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So, how many of you (adults) actually remember the moment you went from "not knowing" to "knowing"? I personally cannot ever recall "not knowing", yet I never got a "talk" from my parents either. I am 46 and my time for the sorts of talks we're discussing here was the early-mid 1970s. Neighborhood kids, both boys and girls, did play "doctor" and it was just like "hmm, interesting", nothing "sexy" or "thrilling". I suspect my friends (male) had at least given me the general idea of "what goes on", and I specifically remember hearing/telling jokes in 3rd grade about sex (basically the punchline included "Tab A and Slot B" and that's about it), and I was in a very "sheltered", suburban, "Brady Bunch" kind of neighborhood/upbringing. Any parent who thinks their 8-YO in this day and age--with the Internet and R-rated sitcoms--has NEVER heard about the differences between men and women and some vague idea of what that means, is sticking their head in the sand. They may not understand all the details (probably don't) nor the, um, "motivations" for doing it (how many of you thought Mom and Dad only did it with the express purpose of making a baby, like a "chore" to be checked off? I certainly did, until an embarrassingly late age) but trust me, they know more than you think they do.
I remember my mother taking me to watch some kind of filmstrip at church about "such matters" when I was about 7, and just watching it and thinking "eh". I had an extremely forward-thinking 4th grade teacher (in the early '70s) who invited her gynecologist to come in and give us "the talk" and show filmstrips (obviously, even then, parental consent was required--but all parents consented AFAIK). As I recall, it seemed that there wasn't a lot of info that we didn't already know in at least a vague sense.
Kids mostly just want to know the literal "how", not the much, much more complex "why would you want to do that??" answer, LOL. They will figure that out for themselves soon enough!
I was just thinking about that myself. I don't remember going from not knowing to knowing. I never really talked to my mom or my dad. All I remember is around 12 my mom handing me a book and said read this and let me know if you have any questions. By that point there wasn't anything I didn't know.
My son is 7 and I plan on giving him honest, age appropriate answers when he asks questions. I don't think I will bring it up unless we haven't talked about it at all by the time he is 11ish. I just don't believe in making something an issue if it isn't already.
So, how many of you (adults) actually remember the moment you went from "not knowing" to "knowing"? I personally cannot ever recall "not knowing", yet I never got a "talk" from my parents either. I am 46 and my time for the sorts of talks we're discussing here was the early-mid 1970s. Neighborhood kids, both boys and girls, did play "doctor" and it was just like "hmm, interesting", nothing "sexy" or "thrilling". I suspect my friends (male) had at least given me the general idea of "what goes on", and I specifically remember hearing/telling jokes in 3rd grade about sex (basically the punchline included "Tab A and Slot B" and that's about it), and I was in a very "sheltered", suburban, "Brady Bunch" kind of neighborhood/upbringing. Any parent who thinks their 8-YO in this day and age--with the Internet and R-rated sitcoms--has NEVER heard about the differences between men and women and some vague idea of what that means, is sticking their head in the sand. They may not understand all the details (probably don't) nor the, um, "motivations" for doing it (how many of you thought Mom and Dad only did it with the express purpose of making a baby, like a "chore" to be checked off? I certainly did, until an embarrassingly late age) but trust me, they know more than you think they do.
I remember my mother taking me to watch some kind of filmstrip at church about "such matters" when I was about 7, and just watching it and thinking "eh". I had an extremely forward-thinking 4th grade teacher (in the early '70s) who invited her gynecologist to come in and give us "the talk" and show filmstrips (obviously, even then, parental consent was required--but all parents consented AFAIK). As I recall, it seemed that there wasn't a lot of info that we didn't already know in at least a vague sense.
Kids mostly just want to know the literal "how", not the much, much more complex "why would you want to do that??" answer, LOL. They will figure that out for themselves soon enough!
I learned about sexual intercourse at a Girl Scout camp weekend in sixth grade. One of the girls' mothers had given her "the talk" and she filled us in. Shortly after that my mother announced she was pregnant. I was horrified to think of my parents having "done it" recently right there in our own house! LOL.
Geez, as long as there is open communication (You have always answered questions in a way that the child understands.) from an early age (I mean when the child begins speaking and starts asking any kind of question.), and have accepted your child's opinions and thoughts in an open way, your child will come to you with whatever questions arise from the time they gain curiosity about girls/boys men/women.
In our house, nothing is shocking and no topic is off limits for discussion. We've been talking, in one form or another, about sex since the kids were babies, depending what thinking and understanding level they are on and what kinds of questions they ask.
The days of sitting down to have 'the talk' are over.
Geez, as long as there is open communication (You have always answered questions in a way that the child understands.) from an early age (I mean when the child begins speaking and starts asking any kind of question.), and have accepted your child's opinions and thoughts in an open way, your child will come to you with whatever questions arise from the time they gain curiosity about girls/boys men/women.
In our house, nothing is shocking and no topic is off limits for discussion. We've been talking, in one form or another, about sex since the kids were babies, depending what thinking and understanding level they are on and what kinds of questions they ask.
The days of sitting down to have 'the talk' are over.
I mostly agree with this. We never had "the talk" - it just evolved as discussions over the years. But - each child is different. I have one that would (and did) ask TONS and one who wouldn't ask anything and anytime I tried to bring it up responded "ok. Can we be done now?" You still need to find away to get the information across....
Last edited by maciesmom; 01-24-2010 at 11:07 AM..
I mostly agree with this. We never had "the talk" - it just evolved as discussions over the years. But - each child is different. I have one that would (and did) ask TONS and one who wouldn't ask anything and anytime I tried to bring it up responded "ok. Can we be done now?" You still need to find away to get the information acrossed....
In that case, I would find opportune times to ask casual questions about how things are understood by the child, and as the child grows, ask more detailed questions.
Also, do you think the one who didn't ask question or want discussion overheard what was being said while you discussed things with the other child? Maybe the quiet one already has been informed by just listening and knows enough to satisfy him/her for the time being.
Well...he is just a more private and reticent person. He is 16 and very level headed. He knows perfectly well he can talk to us about anything. He is just the kind of person who is more likely to research on his own than ask us. As he's grown we have made it a point to bring things up with him. Which was my point...we didn't need to make that effort with my DD - she would bring things up herself. Each child is different so with some kids you may actually have to have "the talk" whereas with others it may not be necessary because it's a natural outgrowth of normal conversation....
ETA - however, by "the talk" I mean a number of small talks over the years as opposed to "a" talk at a specified age....it just may be that you need to initiate it...
Last edited by maciesmom; 01-24-2010 at 09:59 AM..
He is 16 and very level headed. He knows perfectly well he can talk to us about anything. He is just the kind of person who is more likely to research on his own than ask us. As he's grown we have made it a point to bring things up with him.
I will never try and tell people how to raise their kids as I've found that being a parent is truly the hardest job in the world. My only suggestion (if I may) to you would be to find out what he "knows" and "thinks" about sex. There ARE children who do research on their own and have a good handle on what's what. But, I think that any parent needs to find out exactly what their kids know and think about sex. Is it "put tab A into slot B", is it "wear a condom whenever you have sex", is it "wait until you are comfortable and secure in a relationship" or is it "wait until you're married"? What's his thoughts on oral sex (I'm shocked at how many boys expect it but have no intention of giving it in return...as if it's their "right" but not the girls "right"). The list goes on.
Sex is becoming a very casual experience for kids and I think we need to step in and get them thinking of it as something more important than so many kids think it is.
As an adult, it took me a long time to understand sexuality. I knew what sex was from a young age, but it takes a while and a lot of maturity to understand that sex isn't just about making babies, and even more importantly, it's about BOTH partners enjoying the experience. I would have been mortified if my mother would have told me about female orgasms and how I have as much of a right to a fulfilling experience as my husband does....but I am so glad I figured that out!
I didn't say we didn't talk, I said sometimes we had to be the initiators. I was responding to the PP who said just talk about it when it came up and that kids would ask things out of normal curiousity. My response was just agreeing that that is preferable but that some kids might need more for the very reason you are stating. Not all kids will ask.....As parents it IS our responsibility to make sure our kids are knowledgeable but sometimes that involves different paths for different kids....
Last edited by maciesmom; 01-24-2010 at 11:04 AM..
Reason: typo.....stupid broken finger...grrrr..
I know this is a serious topic and I ahve seen some great viewpoints. I've always been known to try to inject a little humor from time to time so...
A 6 yr old boy walked up to his dad in the yard and asked "Dad, what is sex?" Well, dad knew this day would be coming sooner or later but wasn't expecting it this soon. He and his son sat in the shade and he started trying to explain how a man and a woman love each other, and so on. Every now and then the boy's eyes would get big and acted like it scared him. When Dad felt he was done, he asked his son why, at 6 years old, he wanted to know what sex was. "'Cause Mom told me to come out and tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."
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