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I am looking for any information on how to deal with my son's situation with his dad's girlfriend. She has a never-fail habit of verbally belittling and attacking him for every little perceived slight. He has been grappling with depression over this situation, and we (my ex, my son, and I) have had months of family counseling (which I paid for) to help my son deal with his unresolved issues with his dad (and the gf).
Long story short - the psychologist advised my ex that he has to be the one to stop her before she starts when she begins ragging on our son. He is supposed to stop her and ask her not to interfere with parenting. He is supposed to be the parent. He nods in agreement, and in more than one session. When my son again complained about the gf constantly critiquing him, I called my ex to ask what is going on. He proceeds to defend the gf and claims that "she really loves our son and means well". Gah!
I have barely been able to communicate with this woman, my ex has made a point of keeping me from ever really chatting with her. I have been looking for some resources online about this situation, and why her interfering with parenting our son is damaging, but I haven't had much success. She's not really a "step-parent" since they are not married, and I have full custody of our son. Since my son is almost an adult, I am trying to just ride this out but he is getting so fed up with her snippy comments that this last weekend he "blew up" verbally all over the two of them. He rarely acts out like that and I am really concerned about where this may lead if it isn't dealt with.
Talking to my ex is like trying to herd cats - you can't rationalize with an irrational person. He seems to be content with just conceding to her about the whole "parenting" stuff so I am wondering if I should have a talk with her? From what I have heard, she's quite the self-righteous know-it-all narcissist, so I'm not sure if that is even worth the effort.
I hope someone has some good advice or can point me to some resources online about this sort of relationship. I can't imagine that we are somehow unique in the type of dysfunction I've outlined.
if you have full custody doesnt that mean he doesnt have to go over there? especially with him being over the age to choose [ at least in my state he would be ] & being almost an adult....i cant tell you what YOU should do or how to make your ex listen but when my friend had a similar problem to this with her step mother belittling her...she quit going over to her fathers house & cut ties until he got the picture. now that shes older & her dad has gotten the picture, she treats her 10000x better.
I feel for you. This is an awful situation and you sound like you've gone above and beyond to try to heal it amicably. I'm so sorry that hasn't worked out.
Unfortunately, your ex is the one who needs to nip this in the bud, and he's not doing so. Unfortunately, you can do nothing to control him. Instead, could you help set up the situation to avoid conflict? If you have full custody, he doesn't spend the night over there, right? Then could your son and his dad spend time together away from their home? He should still see his dad, but maybe they could go to a movie on the weekends, or go shoot hoops at the park, or something else away from the GF.
I'm sorry to hear that your son is going through this. I really don't have any good advice, except that the father either needs to put his foot down or tell his GF to take a hike. However, I can provide some insight so that you realize how serious yet common this situation is.
This story isn't new. In fact, it is standard behavior for GF's and stepmothers, which is why we have the fairy tales. Interestingly, in many of the tales (Snow White, for example), the father is *actually* described as "impotent," which is what enables the abuse from the stepmother towards a child that is not her own. Many women feel threatened by children from previous r-ships--they are a reminder of the former wife. Moreover, they tend to compete with children for the affections/opinion of the father: the man usually has the power and the GF or stepmother degrades the child so that he/she has no power and/or his/her opinions/voice does not matter in the household. In short, it is a way of establishing dominance. And it will continue until your son has no relationship with his father.
I speak from experience. I have a stepmother that constantly belittles and sabotages my brother and I, not only to our father, but also to anyone whose ear she can bend. Her objective is to render our opinions/perspectives meaningless and without merit so that she--and only she--will have the "ear of the king," so to speak, who will do what she wants. And, sadly, she does. In fact, my brother and I don't even have a relationship with our father anymore. He has and will always do the exact same thing: agree with and defend his [second] wife, no matter what. Either that, or he just sticks his head in the sand and expects my brother and I to somehow defend ourselves, yet then reprimands or chides us when we do.
Consequently, as the therapist pointed out, the problem is not with the woman but the [impotent] man who allows her to dominate him, always takes her side, especially over his own children, and to their detriment. In men's twisted minds, it is the way that they "build a new life" with the new woman, and it often involves leaving *everything* from a previous marriage behind.
Believe me, nothing will change until your ex decides to put his children first. If he can't do that, then, unfortunately, the healthiest thing to do is for your son to end his relationship with his father and stay as far away from that woman as he can. Otherwise, not only will she destroy his self-esteem, but her attacks will escalate until she has (eventually) accomplished her goal, which is to alienate your son from his father (so she can have him all to herself).
In fact, just the other day, a neighbor of mine who is a teacher told me that a little boy at her school is actually being physically (as well as emotionally) abused by a father's GF (she belts him). The situation is very common, and I have found that accepting it sooner rather than later--and distancing oneself from the dysfunction--is the best way to lead a normal and happy life.
I am looking for any information on how to deal with my son's situation with his dad's girlfriend. She has a never-fail habit of verbally belittling and attacking him for every little perceived slight. He has been grappling with depression over this situation, and we (my ex, my son, and I) have had months of family counseling (which I paid for) to help my son deal with his unresolved issues with his dad (and the gf).
Long story short - the psychologist advised my ex that he has to be the one to stop her before she starts when she begins ragging on our son. He is supposed to stop her and ask her not to interfere with parenting. He is supposed to be the parent. He nods in agreement, and in more than one session. When my son again complained about the gf constantly critiquing him, I called my ex to ask what is going on. He proceeds to defend the gf and claims that "she really loves our son and means well". Gah!
I have barely been able to communicate with this woman, my ex has made a point of keeping me from ever really chatting with her. I have been looking for some resources online about this situation, and why her interfering with parenting our son is damaging, but I haven't had much success. She's not really a "step-parent" since they are not married, and I have full custody of our son. Since my son is almost an adult, I am trying to just ride this out but he is getting so fed up with her snippy comments that this last weekend he "blew up" verbally all over the two of them. He rarely acts out like that and I am really concerned about where this may lead if it isn't dealt with.
Talking to my ex is like trying to herd cats - you can't rationalize with an irrational person. He seems to be content with just conceding to her about the whole "parenting" stuff so I am wondering if I should have a talk with her? From what I have heard, she's quite the self-righteous know-it-all narcissist, so I'm not sure if that is even worth the effort.
I hope someone has some good advice or can point me to some resources online about this sort of relationship. I can't imagine that we are somehow unique in the type of dysfunction I've outlined.
I don't have any firsthand experience with this situation, but I would think since your son is 17 yrs old, he has some say-so on whether or not he wants to visit his dad or be around the girlfriend. I would say, since this woman does not know how to treat or talk to him, that he could stipulate his dad visiting with him outside their home, alone, or not at all. And I would make sure to tell the dad that since he doesn't have the balls to be a man and demand that this girlfriend respect his child, his son will no longer visit his home.
I wouldn't even bother talking to her. She's not a stepmom. She's not family. She's irrelevant. She shouldn't even be opening her mouth about anything concerning your son, that's his father's job. Your son should not be stressing out and depressed over his dad's girlfriend. And if Dad can't get that through his thick head, I would say forget the "family" counseling, and just concentrate on getting your son counseling to deal with the spineless dad he has.
Best of luck to your son. I know it must be difficult to have a dad who's not doing his part as a father. Lucky for him, he has a mom who's looking out for him.
I am looking for any information on how to deal with my son's situation with his dad's girlfriend. She has a never-fail habit of verbally belittling and attacking him for every little perceived slight. He has been grappling with depression over this situation, and we (my ex, my son, and I) have had months of family counseling (which I paid for) to help my son deal with his unresolved issues with his dad (and the gf).
Long story short - the psychologist advised my ex that he has to be the one to stop her before she starts when she begins ragging on our son. He is supposed to stop her and ask her not to interfere with parenting. He is supposed to be the parent. He nods in agreement, and in more than one session. When my son again complained about the gf constantly critiquing him, I called my ex to ask what is going on. He proceeds to defend the gf and claims that "she really loves our son and means well". Gah!
I have barely been able to communicate with this woman, my ex has made a point of keeping me from ever really chatting with her. I have been looking for some resources online about this situation, and why her interfering with parenting our son is damaging, but I haven't had much success. She's not really a "step-parent" since they are not married, and I have full custody of our son. Since my son is almost an adult, I am trying to just ride this out but he is getting so fed up with her snippy comments that this last weekend he "blew up" verbally all over the two of them. He rarely acts out like that and I am really concerned about where this may lead if it isn't dealt with.
Talking to my ex is like trying to herd cats - you can't rationalize with an irrational person. He seems to be content with just conceding to her about the whole "parenting" stuff so I am wondering if I should have a talk with her? From what I have heard, she's quite the self-righteous know-it-all narcissist, so I'm not sure if that is even worth the effort.
I hope someone has some good advice or can point me to some resources online about this sort of relationship. I can't imagine that we are somehow unique in the type of dysfunction I've outlined.
Assuming that her snippy comments are just that, and NOT constructive criticism... just tell your son to turn around and look at her square in the face, hold up a finger and say.... "Come and see me when you have something important to say". And then leave the room.
Your ex husband needs to man up and stick up for his son. But you can't make a loser into a winner and you can't make a leopard change its spots and most likely the reason you divorced him in the first place was because he was a spineless whimp.
So your son has to take up for himself. Just keep reinforcing that it's NOT HIM. It's HER! And tell him that in life, he is going to meet people who are a-holes, and this is good practice.
Your son has the power to make it stop as well. He can limit his exposure to this woman. He can tell his father he loves him, but he is not going to put himself in the situation to be belittled. You, your son, even the counselor cannot change the father's behavior, but you can change how you react to it.
My oldest (also 17) stopped going to his father's due to some choices his father made. My son told him that he loved him, but he was not going to put himself in the situation his father created. My son has spent one night at his father's since before Christmas.
Now, I feel I need address some of the PPs. I am a stepmother. A custodial stepmother. I want our children (I refer to my steps as my own) to shine, I do not stand in their way nor do I feel the need to insert myself in between them, their father, or their mother. Many children of divorce feel pulled and the need to provide validation to the adults by pledging loyalty for one parent over another. I recognize this and have taught my children how to express themselves appropriately and without fear of their opinions not matching mine. Please do not paint all stepmothers with the Disney brush.... some of us do not fit the Disney mold.
Your son has the power to make it stop as well. He can limit his exposure to this woman. He can tell his father he loves him, but he is not going to put himself in the situation to be belittled. You, your son, even the counselor cannot change the father's behavior, but you can change how you react to it.
My oldest (also 17) stopped going to his father's due to some choices his father made. My son told him that he loved him, but he was not going to put himself in the situation his father created. My son has spent one night at his father's since before Christmas.
Now, I feel I need address some of the PPs. I am a stepmother. A custodial stepmother. I want our children (I refer to my steps as my own) to shine, I do not stand in their way nor do I feel the need to insert myself in between them, their father, or their mother. Many children of divorce feel pulled and the need to provide validation to the adults by pledging loyalty for one parent over another. I recognize this and have taught my children how to express themselves appropriately and without fear of their opinions not matching mine. Please do not paint all stepmothers with the Disney brush.... some of us do not fit the Disney mold.
I never said anything about all stepmothers, just my own as well as many, many others. As I stated, the situation is all too common and I felt that it was important that the OP know that.
And, BTW, the fairy tale that I was talking about has nothing to do with Disney, which never even mentions a father in the Snow White tale; it is the original tale that mentions it and with good reason: the issue is common, has been for a while now, and such stories address that so that those who are suffering know that it is a common and problematic situation. Please do not belittle the pain that the OP's son is going through and that of others of us who have dealt with these situations by referring to them as mere fantasies propagated by the Disney corporation that have no basis in reality.
Just b/c you do not fit the sterotype does not mean that there isn't a very good reason why it exists. Moreover, this thread isn't about YOU, it's about the OP and her son and the wicked stepmother/GF that he is dealing with (in this situation, they are one in the same). I think that it is important that the OP know just how common these situations are, and that what her son is dealing with is quite common (amazing that dysfunction, rather than function, is more common).
It's all well and good to say that the son can just stand up for himself, but it really isn't that easy. Things in our home got so bad that my brother ended up in a physical altercation with our stepmother (who, BTW, wasn't even our mother at the time but "just a GF"). Furthermore, it really doesn't matter what the woman's status is: she shouldn't have any more right to denigrate the OP's son even if she were his stepmother, the same way that it isn't acceptable for a GF or, even, a mother to treat a son in this manner.
My suggestion is to talk to your son head on about this. He may be hurt because he doesn't understand the attacks - but you can point out to him that she is likely very critical because of jealousy over his previous family and the fact that he has a son with another woman - you.
In other words it isn't about your son, it's about her and her own problems and insecurities, even jealousies.
And tell him he should continue seeing his dad at least until he's 18 because his dad is the only dad he has and he can't get another dad -- and he shouldn't let this woman come between he and his father.
When he visits and she's around, he should put her on ignore because that's all she deserves - but just to keep the peace, he should be somewhat polite. He's there to visit with his dad, she's nothing more than an annoyance really.
I wouldn't bother trying to change her, and I wouldn't encourage giving her what she wants which is to damage your son's relationship with his father. And tell your son everything you feel about it because it's better to get these things out in the open, including what you think of his father's weakness. You're on your son's side and honesty doesn't mean he will lose his love of the other parent, you can still love in spite of someone's flaws.
I disagree with the psychologist because your ex would have already done all that if he had any balls. He isn't going to change because he'd rather come up with excuses.
Probably you're trying to be the good ex and not having your son hear exactly what you think about his dad and the gf - but I think out-and-out honesty can be better, it can help him face the facts. The facts are that dear-old-dad is whipped. He's doing the wrong thing putting his gf ahead of his own kid and it's okay to speculate why.
Your son has the power to make it stop as well. He can limit his exposure to this woman. He can tell his father he loves him, but he is not going to put himself in the situation to be belittled. You, your son, even the counselor cannot change the father's behavior, but you can change how you react to it.
.
I did this at 17 or 18.
I had been at effect of my step monster for years and I had just had enough. I wrote my Dad a letter saying that I loved him very much but would no longer spend time around --------. That I hoped it would not effect my relationship with him but that things could not continue the way they were.
I'm now 34 and I've probably seen her a total of 5 times since then. We invited them as a couple to our wedding, once at my step sister's wedding a couple of family gatherings over the years and I went to their house on a visit for exactly half an hour when I was in the UK last time (because I thought it was a shame to have never seen where my Dad lives).
Other than that I just see my Father - he has come to stay with us in the States, we have gone on occasional trips together and he comes to London for day trips whenever I'm over.
This time we're going off to the Lake District to visit family during my visit - and she isn't coming.
My Father was absolutely useless at protecting me, and really the fault does lie with him, but instead of cutting off both of them or continuing to subject myself to her nonsense, I cut myself off from her. It's not ideal but has worked well enough over the years.
As his Mother all you can really do is listen, sympathize and provide support.
I wouldn't encourage the blowing up behavior - but if he feels like he needs to take steps to protect himself then I would support him in that. Don't force him to go over there (I'm sure you don't!) and give him some tips on coping.
If they live close by he could make it a rule to leave as soon as she becomes unpleasant. Role play it with him. She says something mean and he says 'right, time for me to head out. See you next time!' and leaves. That will take the wind right out if her sails. But if he doesn't engage then she'll almost certainly start thinking more about what she says.
Good luck!!!
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