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which doesn't sound like a problem, but I fear that it is getting to be. She's 15 and has no friends who come to our house, though I think she hangs out with some kids at school. She's never really had any friends, and I know it bothers her.
She's in the honor society and the debate team, and when I was at a debate tournament last week I saw her make a good point (she thought it was anyway) and the look of triumph on her face bothered me. I don't mean that I don't want her to be proud of her performance, but it was too gloating, if that makes sense. I talked to her later about using a "poker face," but I'm not sure how else to handle this. She has also been insensitive with me lately--yes I know she's a teenager, but I fear that she thinks that because she's so smart, she doesn't have to consider peoples' feelings. Or maybe she just doesn't anyway. Does anyone have any advice about how to help her with social skills? Or how to rein in her pride? I really don't know how to approach this, b/c I was also gifted and had few friends, though I think my problems were more due to having ADD than to being smart--I don't think she has ADD.
Our DD also is gifted. She is 10, but I already see some attitude problems as well. Those are not manifesting themselves socially as she is a very social child and always has been, but she has very little patience with anyone else who doesn't seem to posess her knowledge or ability (she is also talented in music and athletics) and I am afraid in the next few years she will be at the point where she too, has no or very few friends. We have a gifted program in our school (I teach there and DD is a student, though we had to pull her out of gifted because she was miserable there, too much competition for her) and the teachers in the program tell me that this is very typical of many gifted kids. We try to keep DD involved in our church activities and have her going with us to volunteer serving meals at a local homeless shelter. You might try something like that because I do think it keeps our DD sensitive, at least somewhat, to the needs of others. I am not sure though how to curb the competitiveness and lack of tolerance though for the shortcomings of others. She is the same way with herself too, very intolerant of herself when she makes a mistake. I am wondering also if you could encourage her to have some type of party or get-together in your home with some of her friends? Do you think she might go for that? It might get her socializing a bit, then social things would come easier for her at school and maybe it would have the snowball effect. If she is going to be getting a PT job in the near future that may help too. Our oldest DS was never tested as academically gifted and I know he isn't, but he wasn't very social either until he got his first PT job. Since then he has a wide circle of friends and even a girl friend. He started working when he was 17. Good luck! I wish I had more advice for you.
It doesn't sound like it's her "giftedness" that is the problem honestly. Plenty of gifted kids have friends and plenty of kids who aren't so gifted are socially challenged....Does she seemed troubled by her social status? Are you just now, at age 15 noticing this about her? Some kids are just not suited to the high school social scene....others truly do feel "above" others and it is a lifelong problem for them (and for those who have to deal with them)....I guess you'll have to try to figure out which camp she falls into. If she is feeling and acting superior and unconcerned with the feelings of others whom she deems not worthy of her time or respect then I think I'd consider some counseling. If she is just uninterested in high school drama then I wouldn't worry too much - she'll most likely feel more comfortable in college.
Take her to a homeless shelter, hospital with children, elderly residency or Vets hospital - have her volunteer and develop some compassion and empathy.
which doesn't sound like a problem, but I fear that it is getting to be. She's 15 and has no friends who come to our house, though I think she hangs out with some kids at school. She's never really had any friends, and I know it bothers her.
She's in the honor society and the debate team, and when I was at a debate tournament last week I saw her make a good point (she thought it was anyway) and the look of triumph on her face bothered me. I don't mean that I don't want her to be proud of her performance, but it was too gloating, if that makes sense. I talked to her later about using a "poker face," but I'm not sure how else to handle this. She has also been insensitive with me lately--yes I know she's a teenager, but I fear that she thinks that because she's so smart, she doesn't have to consider peoples' feelings. Or maybe she just doesn't anyway. Does anyone have any advice about how to help her with social skills? Or how to rein in her pride? I really don't know how to approach this, b/c I was also gifted and had few friends, though I think my problems were more due to having ADD than to being smart--I don't think she has ADD.
She may be lording it over the other kids as a way to retaliate for being socially shunned or a reaction toward their treatment of her. You say that it bothers her that she hasn't had any friends, so this may just be her way of "showing them" or sour grapes to a point or over-compensating for social insecurity.
I would only address her behavior towards you or family members, unless she decides to talk about not having friends at school. If you let her know that you don't appreciate her attitude toward you and she may catch on that others could feel the same way.
Because I think she may actually be trying to cover up for how she feels about kids not being her friends, I wouldn't make too much an issue about her relationship with the other kids, it's hard to know for sure what all she's going through, and keep in mind kids can be cruel, even if it's subvert and not outright.
You all made good points, so I'll just answer some of things you all have said:
1. I'm not just noticing that she has no friends--this has been an ongoing problem for her, but I'm beginning to think I know why.
2. It may very well be a sour grapes attitude--that was a big part of my problem, and I'm still working on losing some of the personality characteristics that I developed as a result, and I know just how cruel kids can be. Lord do I know. However, the look I saw on her face at the debate tourn. really bothered me, and I don't think it had much to do with sour grapes. Also, I overheard her one night bragging to my nephew about how many books she's read--he is a nice popular boy about her age--it's like she just can't relate to other kids.
3. We used to do overnights and have kids over, but they rarely reciprocated, and last year the two girls she was friends with dropped her, and I don't know why. I tried to talk to the moms, but they didn't know why either, and I'm actually kind of glad they're not her friends now, b/c I smelled trouble, but I know it really hurt her.
4. We will be volunteering at a homeless shelter over the holidays.
5. No one asked this, but she doesn't show any signs of having Asperger's. Also, we're not wealthy--we live in a very modest house and I will be pursuing a divorce from my husband who moved out last Feb. We have done some interesting things though like travel around the world, which could contribute to her haughtiness.
6. I feel like i should explain this one in greater detail. She had a field hockey banquet at the end of the season which she didn't tell me about until the day of the dinner and called me and begged me to bring a dish for it. I asked her if it was a deal for the parents too. She said no. So I made a dish and took it over in a crockpot and when I went in, the place was full of parents. I mentioned that to her, and she said, "Oh, I'm sure they're all getting ready to leave." Of course I knew better, but I left b/c I knew she didn't want me there. She didn't bring my crockpot home that night, so I told her to go see the teacher about getting it back. She kept "forgetting" and I kept reminding her, and finally, this weekend, 2 months later, she managed to contact the teacher about getting it back. I found this whole incident extremely hurtful--from her not wanting me there (yes I know, deeper problem there) to not even trying to get my crockpot back. I told her that if we were friends and she treated me like that, it would probably end the friendship (trying to make a point), and only at that point did she get upset, but I can tell that she still believes that she did nothing wrong. She did tell me that she was angry with me the night of the banquet, but I told her she'd had plenty of opportunities to fix this later, since it was 2 months ago, but had taken none of them.
Anyway, I dont' want to leave you all with the impression that my DD is a little monster--she's not. She is actually very sweet most of the time, but these latest incidents have really troubled me. I really am beginning to consider counseling and we could all use it I'm afraid. Maybe family counseling? I have another DD-17.
You all made good points, so I'll just answer some of things you all have said:
5. No one asked this, but she doesn't show any signs of having Asperger's.
Actually Asbergers was the first thing that came to mind, but in your post you described specific behavior not associated with Aspergers - the haugtiness; and I would think it would have been diagnosed by her age.
Maybe your daughter is trying too hard to impress people the wrong way, acting snobbish and too smart for them in an attempt to find admiration and is provoking the opposite reaction. To me she sounds very self-conscious and sometimes that becomes an embarassment over parents. Socially awkward kids can try to over-control their image and muck things up more for themselves.
Sometimes socially awkward kids will try to invent a fantasy family to impress others so have to keep the reality hidden. Plus at certain ages, most kids don't think their parents are cool.
Maybe your daughter is trying too hard to impress people the wrong way, acting snobbish and too smart for them in an attempt to find admiration and is provoking the opposite reaction. To me she sounds very self-conscious and sometimes that becomes an embarassment over parents. Socially awkward kids can try to over-control their image and muck things up more for themselves.
Sometimes socially awkward kids will try to invent a fantasy family to impress others so have to keep the reality hidden. Plus at certain ages, most kids don't think their parents are cool.
Yes malamute, I think that is it. The problem is, what to do about it? When I try to talk to her about it, she just clams up and stomps off to her room, so I've not tried to talk to her about it lately. I've gotten books about developing social skills for kids and left them lying around, but I have no idea if she's read them. That sounds like a terribly obvious ploy, but we always have books lying around here and I work with sped high school kids. Also, I've tried speaking with her about eye contact, because I know this is always a problem for shy people, but I can't really tell if that has changed much. However, all the eye contact in the world isn't going to help if you put people off with a superior attitude.
I would definitely try family therapy-even with ex involved. She is dealing with so much now- just being a teen, divorce, no social support and she probably feels very isolated. A good family therapist will be able to help all of you get to the real problem. Good luck
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