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I don't think the fact that this is a permanent job will prevent him from changing jobs and moving around.
Your children will be better off in a place where you can provide a stable environment and develop a permanent support network.
Ok, in light of new info that the OP has provided about moving 7 times in the last 5 years, which would have been important to know IN THE BEGINNING, I totally agree with Hopes statements above, AND I have changed my mind. Also, your (OP) latest posts seems to read as making excuses to NOT move, in order to justify staying near your man of interest. Which is a selfish motive to begin with.
Anyway, if you've had to move that many times in such a short period of time, you should go where your family is just to give these kids a place of stability, roots, and extended family.
If dad is bummed being away from his kids, he can always opt to be on the lookout for a job near where you live when the economy picks up. In the meantime, get a webcam or some kind of device so they can have face-to-face time and they know who their dad is.
PEOPLE! SIGNIFICANT INFORMATION IS VITAL IN ORDER TO OBTAIN OBJECTIVE, SENSIBLE ADVICE. If you don't, then you're only changing your story to justify ulterior motives when you add it in later.
Sorry, I hate when people do that.
Last edited by steelstress; 12-30-2009 at 01:31 PM..
Reason: to add emphasis in red.
I did state that he FINALLY got a PERMANENT job in the original post. The "permanent" part is what is pertinent to my considering the move. However, just as I wrote the other post, he emailed me to say he may be considering a shorter contract in Boston. If he doesn't take a permanent position that is right in front of his face, then that is more telling than anything he's done. The man of interest wouldn't be the reason to move as of yet, he would be a very nice bonus though.
edit: I should add that the man of interest lives over 2 hours from my family, so I wouldn't be moving solely to pursue a relationship.
I did state that he FINALLY got a PERMANENT job in the original post. The "permanent" part is what is pertinent to my considering the move. However, just as I wrote the other post, he emailed me to say he may be considering a shorter contract in Boston. If he doesn't take a permanent position that is right in front of his face, then that is more telling than anything he's done. The man of interest wouldn't be the reason to move as of yet, he would be a very nice bonus though.
edit: I should add that the man of interest lives over 2 hours from my family, so I wouldn't be moving solely to pursue a relationship.
You still don't get it. I didn't comment on him getting a permanent job, the emphasis was meant about the fact that you've had to move 7 times in the past 5 years.
No wonder you can't decide, you really don't know the extent of your problem. Geez. Give these kids a permanent place to grow up in.
You still don't get it. I didn't comment on him getting a permanent job, the emphasis was meant about the fact that you've had to move 7 times in the past 5 years.
No wonder you can't decide, you really don't know the extent of your problem. Geez. Give these kids a permanent place to grow up in.
I agree, which is why this isn't such an easy decision to make. His difficulty in obtaining a permanent job has reasons btw. He can't get a security clearance yet, due to not being a US Citizen. And, once a person has been a short term contractor, it becomes more difficult to get a company to take you on, for fear you'll leave to jump on a high paying contract. And to be honest, if he wasn't satisfied with the job, he might be tempted to do so.
Either way I swing, something doesn't feel right about the decision. If I could take him and put him in Minneapolis or South Dakota, my life would be a whole lot easier right now.
Ok, in light of new info that the OP has provided about moving 7 times in the last 5 years, which would have been important to know IN THE BEGINNING, I totally agree with Hopes statements above, AND I have changed my mind. Also, your (OP) latest posts seems to read as making excuses to NOT move, in order to justify staying near your man of interest. Which is a selfish motive to begin with.......If you don't, then you're only changing your story to justify ulterior motives when you add it in later.
I dont' think she changed the story. I think she merely failed to mention some important things. It's not like someone should write an entire book and history.
My main problem was I sensed that he wasn't as interested in being an active father and that most of this was her wanting to manipulate him into being the father she wanted him to be. That turned out to be the case, and I don't think that's good for children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer
I agree, which is why this isn't such an easy decision to make. His difficulty in obtaining a permanent job has reasons btw. He can't get a security clearance yet, due to not being a US Citizen. And, once a person has been a short term contractor, it becomes more difficult to get a company to take you on, for fear you'll leave to jump on a high paying contract. And to be honest, if he wasn't satisfied with the job, he might be tempted to do so.
If he's not a US citizen, don't you EVER dare let him take those children out of the country.
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer
Either way I swing, something doesn't feel right about the decision. If I could take him and put him in Minneapolis or South Dakota, my life would be a whole lot easier right now.
You are failing to recognize that the best thing for your children is to make a decision that provides the most stabillity and the best support network for you. You NEED to quit wanting to make him do things. You are divorced. You have no more influence over him. You make the decisions that are best for you and the children----let him make his own decisions which might or might not involve moving closer to you in the future. You need to let go of him and start focusing on life without him. That's the only life you're going to have. It's time to face reality for the sake of the kids.
I dont' think she changed the story. I think she merely failed to mention some important things. It's not like someone should write an entire book and history.
The only reason I mentioned the number of times we've moved is because the idea of a support system was brought up.
My main problem was I sensed that he wasn't as interested in being an active father and that most of this was her wanting to manipulate him into being the father she wanted him to be. That turned out to be the case, and I don't think that's good for children.
When I asked him how involved he wanted to be, he said and I quote "I want to be there to be an active part of their lives, to go to ballgames, recitals, etc..To do that though, one doesn't necessarily have to live next door.
If he's not a US citizen, don't you EVER dare let him take those children out of the country. I know what you mean. He's british though and doesn't even seem much interested in visiting the UK, let alone living there. I wouldn't mind going over to visit when the kids are a little older though. His family comes over yearly anyway to see them.
You are failing to recognize that the best thing for your children is to make a decision that provides the most stabillity and the best support network for you. You NEED to quit wanting to make him do things. You are divorced. You have no more influence over him. You make the decisions that are best for you and the children----let him make his own decisions which might or might not involve moving closer to you in the future. You need to let go of him and start focusing on life without him. That's the only life you're going to have. It's time to face reality for the sake of the kids.
I do get that they need stability. If this was as simple as staying in one place, I'd stay in FL where we already are. I just don't feel it's in my best interest or theirs. I can't take the heat anymore which obviously limits outdoor activities to mornings or evenings in the summer. Wherever we go I want to be there for at least two years so I can get some schooling in to be able to bring in a higher salary on my own.
The bolded part in general is what has me thinking. Their dad will be out of work for at least two weeks between the current job and the new one. Rather than make the drive, he's chosen to stay up in Boston, pay rent up there for January, all so he'll have an easier drive to DC. If it were me, I'd want to take advantage of the free time with the kids, buthe doesn't share the same priorities.
That should give you your answer.
In my case, when our kids turned 5 and 6, my ex took a much larger interest in them. So I asked him what changed. He said, nothing changed, except the kids, and that he didn't really know what to do with babies. And I think a lot of men don't really have an interest in babies, I mean really, what are you supposed to do with them? Sit there and watch them play? So just because he doesn't make them his priority now, doesn't mean he won't in the future. You just can't rush him into making them his priority.
I think time also gives both parents the time to move on from their relationship and let it be about the kids. Less friction between the divorced parents makes it easier for the non-custodial parent to be comfortable being more involved.
This is my perspective (how I looked at my own situation) - you need to be able to financially take care of yourself and the kids all by yourself wherever you move. If you move to DC now, can you do that? If not, go where you have family, finish school so that you will be able to support yourself, then you can move closer to him. You can form a support group anywhere, but babysitting is not the same thing as paying your rent if he doesn't help you like you thought he would. What if he does quit and move, would you be stuck there? Would you have to pack up and move right away?
It might be helpful if you list all the pros and cons. Seeing things in black and white can be very helpful.
I really can't see ever asking a boyfriend to watch my kids, unless I was honestly desperate. That isn't their job, and when I've seen that in the past with friends or relatives, it has really bothered me.
When I've tried to "pull" this information out of their dad, what he's told me is exactly what I've said. He said he'd like to see them every weekend if he can, but he also said he wanted to visit more often than he has been. Sometimes life gets in the way. The new job will require him to be on call 24/7 for 1 week a month, he may start dating which will obviously take up some weekend time, and if he gets married and has other children, his priorities will likely change. The main benefit is that finances wouldn't get in his way of visiting, like it has the past few months with the high cost of airline tickets.
I guess I should have worded this "enabling their father to visit more often, or choosing what I feel is in MY best interest"
And with the kids being that young, they're not going to be able to fly on their own for quite some time.
Remarriage and other kids doesn't necessarily mean anything one way or the other. Sometimes it can make the father an even better "babysitter". More likely to stay home, have a pro-child environment for them - as long as there's no jealousy or hostility, that kind of thing can work out.
I think you just have to weigh everything pretty carefully, and talk very openly with all involved, but you cannot assume family members will be there. I know of someone who moved back thinking parents would help only to find they were retiring and planning long cruises and other travel plans, not planning to help raise kids their retirement years.
And of course it does matter how permanent this job will likely be. I've known people who went pretty much for equal and joint custody and they seem to have it the best, each getting time off, kids having two parents both very involved.
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