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Old 12-29-2009, 12:39 PM
 
1 posts, read 24,140 times
Reputation: 13
Default Caught Son Playing Doctor with Cousin

My stepson (11 years old) which I know since he was 5, was caught by my mom with my 9 year old niece playing doctor. We spoke to him and he said it was the first time and nothing happened. Concerned I asked my 6 year old daughter if he had done anything like that with her brother and she said yes. She cried and said that he had exposed himself to her and had asked her to show her self to him. Even though I had explained over and over to her since she was 3 about her body, to say no and tell an adult. She said that she did not know what do do and did not want to tell me because she did not want her brother to get in trouble or for me to be mad at her.
I am very angry, I don't know what to do. I am concerned because I want to protect my baby girl.

What should I do? He is way to old for this behavior to be normal right? was he molested and thats why he is doing this? do I take him to a therapist? will he be arrested or charged with something?

My daughter seems like it does not bother her, but I think it did and it does. I don't know if I should take both to a therapist and see what we can do to help both of them. But I am affraid that this will open up legal problems we cannot handle.

I think I should just move out and take her and my other baby with me.
Please help

Last edited by lukelucy1979; 12-29-2009 at 12:48 PM..
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Old 12-29-2009, 12:48 PM
 
3,614 posts, read 2,693,388 times
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at 11 that is too old--get him into therapy asap--kids with sexual issues do exhibit this type of behavior for many reasons---he NEEDS TO BE SUPERVISED around other children--i am sure this is not his first acting out at this age
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Old 12-29-2009, 12:51 PM
 
42,391 posts, read 47,526,931 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lukelucy1979 View Post
What should I do? He is way to old for this behavior to be normal right?
Yes. He's too old to be doing this. The age spans are too great too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukelucy1979 View Post
was he molested and thats why he is doing this?
It's very possible. You should want to get to the bottom of this. Molesters are usually family members or close friends of the family.

All of your children will be at risk if you don't find out who did it---if something was done to him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukelucy1979 View Post
do I take him to a therapist?
Yes!

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukelucy1979 View Post
will he be arrested or charged with something?
If he's only done what you've shared, I think he'll more likely receive help than get arrested.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukelucy1979 View Post
My daughter seems like it does not bother her, but I think it did and it does.
She needs therapy too.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukelucy1979 View Post
I don't know if I should take both to a therapist and see what we can do to help both of them. But I am affraid that this will open up legal problems we cannot handle.
The main legal problem I've heard of people having in this situation is the other children being put in foster care because the parents refused to protect them.

Since you're willing to move out anyway, I see no reason to worry. They won't take your children away from you if you are willing to move.

IMO there's no reason to move ahead of time because it might not be necessary since they will allow you the opportunity to move.

Unless, of course, you fear your husband is at the root of this. Then, yes, this will create huge legal problems. But those are legal problems you shouldn't avoid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lukelucy1979 View Post
I think I should just move out and take her and my other baby with me.
If you're willing to do this, you can face whatever legal problems that MAY come up by taking them to counseling.

Plus, simply moving your younger children away doesn't help the 11 year old who may be a victim.
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Old 12-30-2009, 03:00 PM
 
47,586 posts, read 34,395,844 times
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Yes, 11 is too old for that and what's going to be different when he's 12, or 13, or 14, or 15?

You didn't say if the child just comes for visits or lives with you, if it's visits, then you can make sure he's closely supervised at all times when your daughter is there. Limit visitation to only those times you can be sure he will never be left unattended with your daughter or the nieces.

If it was just "peeking", it may not have crossed any big line and if she views him as her brother, you have to be careful not to destroy him or the brother-sister relationship. 11 is too old for playing doctor -- but there could be some kids who didn't see the other parts yet and are just being curious. It must stop however.
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Old 12-30-2009, 07:14 PM
 
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You need to have a long talk with the entire family to figure out the next steps to take, but definitely put him in therapy ASAP and do not leave any children alone with him! The best of luck to you, it is a hard situation.
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Old 12-31-2009, 09:46 AM
 
541 posts, read 714,019 times
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SORRY FOR MY ENGLISH,I AM EUROPEAN... this should be cleared from teh beginning so you people do not complain again..

you can not generalize and say 11 is too old!!!!some kids with 11 are more developed (i mean brain,intelligence and so on)other less...

i consider it curiosity,some boys did not see female parts and are just curious...some kids start to walk earlier,some later..the same with sexual curiosity..some are curious between age 4 and 8 for example..but some can be later curious...NO BIG DEAL,just supervise it right...

why you americans have to exagerate this way???bring him and her to therapy!!hier in usa,equal,what happens fisrt thing to do:run to pshyhologue,counseling and so on...
we european do not run at the first problem to a pshyhologue because we are not capable to deal with it ourselves..i do not believe in pshyhologues,pshyhotherapie and so on..i believe in the capability to solve your own problems...i believe in the capability in getting good informed,before taking any devastating actions!!

in this country you put 11 years children in handcuffs..this is just ill!!equal,what the child made!!i saw a boy stealing from a store and put in handcuffs!!handle children like children,not like grown ups!!

do not exagerate like this!!give your familly up,for some children games!i would sit,talk with the boy,ask him,why did he do that,i woudl take care ,that in the future,they are better supervised...and i am sure,when he matures,he will understand,this is wron..


if you react this way,you can destroy the sexuality of your daughter..children blame themselve very fast..she will feel guilty for having done this and you moving out,causing such a disater in the familly,that fall apart..

please be a mature,grown up woman,borrow books from the library,search the internet,read everything (like the text down)get informed,do not exagerate and disturbe your daughter's sexuality!and believe me,you do not need any pshyhologue or therapy for the kids!!!!!NONE!!!


Psychosexual development begins in infancy and progresses with age, along with the other realms of development. At birth, boys are capable of having erections, and girls' vaginas are capable of lubrication (Johnson, 1999). Children's sexual development is marked by curiosity about, first, their own bodies and, then, those of others (Schuhrke, 2000). Children's attempts at sexual exploration and the repercussions of these attempts help to shape the child's sexual development (Mrazek & Mrazek, 1987). Children learn when they are allowed to satisfy their sexual curiosities as well as when they are not allowed to. Some parents are able to respond to children's emerging sexuality in a caring, healthy manner; yet others feel threatened and react harshly. Adults' and other children's shame and embarrassment often play a role in a child's developing modesty and inhibition (Schuhrke).
Many sexual behaviors in children are common, and the variability of those normative behaviors is extensive (Friedrich, Grambsch, Broughton, Kuiper, & Beilke, 1991; Hibbard, Roughmann, & Hoekelman, 1987). Friedrich et al., using the sexual behavior items from the Child Behavior Checklist (CBL) and the Child Sexual Behavior Inventory (CSBI), performed a comprehensive benchmark study to determine what sexual behaviors were normal in the preadolescent population. This study is unique because it is one of very few known to examine nonclinical samples of children. The researchers relied on parental report for their data on 2-through 12-year-old children without a history of suspected or confirmed sexual abuse. In identifying sexual behaviors of boys and girls 2-6 and 7-12 years of age, the researchers found that the frequency of some observed sexual behaviors commonly decreased (i.e., undresses other people, wants to be the opposite sex, rubs body against people, shows sex parts to children, touches sex parts in public) or increased (i.e., looks at nude pictures, uses sexual words, asks to watch explicit television) with age in either or both genders. Some behaviors, such as imitates sexual behavior with dolls, inserts objects into vagina/anus, talks flirtatiously, and pretends to be the opposite sex, were noticeably more common in girls than in boys. Conversely, behaviors observed more frequently in boys than in girls included making sexual sounds, looking at nude pictures, touching sex parts in public, and trying to look at people undressing. Friedrich et al. found that all sexual behaviors assessed occurred in at least one of the groups. Although some behaviors were much less common (i.e., puts mouth on sex parts, asks to engage in sex acts, inserts objects in vagina/anus, masturbates with objects, initiates intercourse), they still occurred to some extent, thus making it inappropriate to determine any of these behaviors to be indisputably abnormal. Similarly, Hibbard et al. reported that few 3-to 7-year-old children draw genitalia on drawings of the human figure; however, some do.
Children's exhibiting interest in their own genitals and those of their parents is a normal phase of childhood sexual development. Genital play has been found to be a common sexual behavior in children from infancy to at least 6 years old (Johnson, 1999; Koocher et al., 1995; Larsson & Svedin, 2002; Mrazek & Mrazek, 1987; Schuhrke, 2000). Children will often masturbate and show an interest in the genitals of others. Interest progresses from their own genitals, to their parents' genitals, and then to those of their siblings and peers. Schuhrke found that children commonly touch others' genitals in the 2nd and 6th years of life. Possibly due to naivete, younger children, playing sexual games such as "doctor" and examining one another's bodies, are caught more often than older children. Mrazek and Mrazek discuss another aspect of normal sexual development in which preschool children exhibit "a fascination with sexuality which can become associated with an intense attachment to a parent" (p. 21). Freud referred to this occurrence as the Oedipal complex. Mrazek and Mrazek claim that a healthy resolution of this phase is at least partially dependent upon the parents' reactions and their understanding of the differences between adult and normal childhood sexuality
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Old 12-31-2009, 10:10 AM
 
541 posts, read 714,019 times
Reputation: 315
Default just calme down

Dear lucy..

it is me again..my husband is american,worked around the world,very smart and capable person.i have just showed him your post.He said also,nothing wrong with this 3 kids.Do not react this way,do not exagerate this way,his advice is:borrow books from the library,search the internet,get informed..it is very important to open your horizont regarding childpshyhologie,childrengames and so on

read,read a lot,education in all the topics is so importante

Childhood sexuality: discerning healthy from abnormal sexual behaviors - page 2 | Journal of Mental Health Counseling


celebrate a nice new year with your familly and calme down,baby and the boy and your girl deserve to have a happy familly and not be destroyed for something like this...stop being angry (you can not be angry for something like that!!!children discovere ther sexuality),make a nice athmospehere for your familly in your house and celebrate nice,let kids be kids,do not treat them like grown ups..they know now,it is not ok,just watch them and everything will be fine!!

we wish you all a happy new year

Last edited by Buburuza13; 12-31-2009 at 10:23 AM..
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Old 12-31-2009, 10:18 AM
 
3,614 posts, read 2,693,388 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buburuza13 View Post
Dear lucy..

it is me again..my husband is american,worked around the world,very smart and capable person.i have just showed him your post.He said also,nothing wrong with this 3 kids.Do not react this way,do not exagerate this way,his advice is:borrow books from the library,search the internet,get informed..it is very important to open your horizont regarding childpshyhologie,childrengames and so on

read,read a lot,education in all the topics is so importante

Childhood sexuality: discerning healthy from abnormal sexual behaviors - page 2 | Journal of Mental Health Counseling


celebrate a nice new year with your familly and calme down,baby and the boy and your girl deserve to have a happy familly and not be destroyed for something like this...

we wish you all a happy new year
you are very off base--i worked with kids many years--11 is preadolescent--it would only be normal if he was sexually interacting with someone his age-----he is on his way to becoming a predator----READING BOOKS AND KEEPING IT TO YOURSELF WILL NOT HELP THIS CHILD---if you minimize out of age behaviors in your kids you are doing them a dis favor----
KIDS ARE LESS LIKELY TO DISCUSS SEXUAL ISSUES IN FULL WITH THEIR PARENTS FOR FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT/PUNISHMENT--NO MATTER WHAT COUNTRY THEY R IN!
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Old 12-31-2009, 11:01 AM
 
Location: The #1 sunshine state, Arizona.
11,056 posts, read 9,343,117 times
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Does anyone else think this is a copy cat post from a first time poster? Seems very simular to a topic we were dealing with the other day.
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Old 12-31-2009, 11:23 AM
 
42,391 posts, read 47,526,931 times
Reputation: 27995
All I know is Buburuza13's position in this thread is completely different from her position in the other thread.

In the other thread, the 11 year old was with a child the same age and it seemed possible they were both willing participants, and Buburuza strongly disapproved.

In this thread, the 11 year old is involving much younger children who couldn't possibly be willing participants, yet Burburuza thinks it's okay.

Weird.
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