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My niece is 7. My dd is is almost 4. They play really well together and seem to have a good time when they see each other. The problem is that my niece makes very negative comments about my dd to me. She says things like: _____ always gets everything she wants. _______ always has to bring a toy when we go to grandma's house. She says these things with a very negative tone. When dd was born she called her baby poo-poo and seemed to be very jealous of her almost like a sibling would be jealous of a new baby in the family.
Normally I just brush these comments off but on Christmas she told her Mom that dd took a toy from their house. I was 100% positive that dd did not since I was the one who gathered our things before we left. After her Mom told me that dd had taken a toy, I went home and doubled checked and sure enough, we don't have anything that does not belong to us. I didn't want them thinking that we had taken it when we did not so I called the Mom and left a message saying that I had doubled checked and I'm sure that dd did not take the toy.
It has occurred to me that my niece might be repeating things about dd that her Mom has said to her. It hurts me to see my dd unfairly painted in such a negative light and I'm curious how other people would respond if they were in this position.
Kids speak freely at that age, what they think and what they hear. Have you discussed this with her mom at all?
The only time I brought it up with Mom was to dispute the accusation that dd had stolen a toy from their home. I don't have a very good relationship with the Mom. We get along but don't see eye to eye on most things. I think that I will just address the comments with my niece as they come up.
I have had instances where children have said things like you've mentioned and I've always asked them why they think that or what did they mean by it. By engaging them in a discussion you can find out the intention behind their comments and then help them understand the situation.
I provide child care and for example - my son plays baseball and a couple of times a season his games are at 6:00, so we make sure to feed him a light dinner before the game. One day this one boy was really mad when he asked for a snack right before time for him to leave and I told him no as he'd be going home and eating dinner soon. He started saying that it wasn't fair that my son got to eat whenever he wanted to, which of course is not true. After talking to him I discovered it was because of one day where there was an early game and my son ate earlier than normal (meaning the other boy was still here) and he ate something I didn't normally serve during child care hours. After I explained to him that my son needed to eat before his game, and that I only fed him something that was quick and less nutritional as usual because he'd get dinner after the game, then he understood that it was indeed fair and not something to be jealous of.
For example, if your niece says that your daughter always gets what she wants and you ask her what she means, she may tell you that your daughter asked for a snack and got it but that she didn't get one. Most likely she actually ask for one herself and just assumed she'd get one too but didn't.
Or in regards to bringing a toy to g'mas, maybe she asked her mom about bringing one and was told no, yet your daughter was allowed to bring one and she's talking about the discrepancy. Maybe g'ma even mentioned something like 'next time you bring a toy like your cousin so that you have your own to play with' when the niece had nothing of her own there yet your daughter did.
As far as her telling her mom that your daughte took a toy, I would have asked things like what toy was it specifically, where had it been, was my daughter playing with it before and why did they think my daughter took it? I would have suggested they also fully check their house as I am checking mine, especially the trash to make sure it didn't get tossed out accidentally. (or on purpose by a child trying to hide a toy they've already broken-not necessarily any one child in particular either)
No matter what, the niece has these feelings that are hers and they are real to her whether or not they are based on real or perceived situations. So, talk to her and find out what makes her think that way. It would be more helpful if you understood where she was coming from and for her to understand as well instead of her feeling resentful and you feeling offended.
I think it means they're almost close enough to be siblings and just ignore it or point out to the 7 year old "yeah life isn't always fair is it" and don't dwell on her complaints any more than that.
She's probably a little spoiled herself and comparing a lot. I remember growing up thinking one cousin was a spoiled brat - true but a fun cousin to be around all the same but I thought my siblings were too spoiled too. Only I wasn't spoiled. We all turned out okay.
How about "that is not very nice" I never hear " ___ " say bad things about you.
Please do not say mean things about your cousin.
I am not very happy with you saying mean things about your cousin.
And say it everytime she says something mean. Do not use a mean voice, just get down on her level and tell her what she is saying is mean.
And do it over and over and over and let it be.
That way everyone will see what you are doing.
On her level = eye to eye - soft tone.
Last edited by LovingSAT; 01-03-2010 at 01:04 PM..
Reason: clarification
It has occurred to me that my niece might be repeating things about dd that her Mom has said to her.
Where would you get such an idea? Your neice sounds like a normal 7 year old. When your daughter is 7 you'll see just how negative they can be to other kids.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yodi
It hurts me to see my dd unfairly painted in such a negative light and I'm curious how other people would respond if they were in this position.
I wouldn't talk to her mother about it.
Her daughter is normal. Your daughter is normal.
As soon as you start complaining, you're asking for mommy war.
And this isn't the first phone call you're going recieve thoughout the years from a mother looking for a toy.
It has occurred to me that my niece might be repeating things about dd that her Mom has said to her. It hurts me to see my dd unfairly painted in such a negative light and I'm curious how other people would respond if they were in this position.
I think that you've made a pretty huge leap here, I think your niece sounds alot like a regular 7 year old. They are at that age where they are trying to figure out the "rules" and how to hold everyone else (especially the younger ones) accountable for those rules....makes them feel more adult like and not so 'babyish"...
My 7 year old does this to his younger sister all the time...it's totally annoying but pretty normal I'm afraid.
I think it means they're almost close enough to be siblings and just ignore it or point out to the 7 year old "yeah life isn't always fair is it" and don't dwell on her complaints any more than that.
She's probably a little spoiled herself and comparing a lot. I remember growing up thinking one cousin was a spoiled brat - true but a fun cousin to be around all the same but I thought my siblings were too spoiled too. Only I wasn't spoiled. We all turned out okay.
Of course you weren't spoiled...none of us were, only the other kids!
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