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Old 01-25-2010, 07:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhaven View Post
You have gotten a lot of fantastic advice here. I can not add any more but I will relate that this is a fairly common thing for older siblings to go through. Another poster mentioned being the "test" child and really, that's what it tends to boil down to. I'm the oldest child, and like you was always bringing home fantastic grades, never drank, did drugs, or was a wild child. In high school until my senior year I had to be home by dark: no if's ands or buts. That included winter when dark happened at 4:30pm. I could barely go out with friends, I was put through the Nth degree anytime I wished to step out of the house and my mom would call me every hour to ensure I was where I was supposed to be. The only thing I was allowed to do was theater and a job after work (which my mom decided to join, whether to keep an eye on me or what I have no idea. However she did "follow" me to 2 different high school after school jobs.)
I know how you feel. I had to be home before dark at 4 30 pm too. But I seriously wonder why they go all extreme. I mean for real? I am like....I kinda expected the same with my sister!?
Nth degree?
Quote:
It was not until my Sr year in high school that the curfew was lifted and I was given more freedom. And then my younger brother in freshman year (same year that I was a Senior) was allowed to stay out until midnight on school nights and until 3am on weekends. He drank, smoked pot, had awful grades.
My sister does not do that but yeah...I hear you. How freakin unfair.
Quote:
I moved out at 18, 3 weeks after I graduated high school. And it took me years to ask my mom what the hell was up with the unfairness of it all. her answer was that she had no idea what she was doing. Parents dont have a handbook. She went too far one way with me, and too far the other way with my brother, trying to compensate in some way. She apologized, and admitted fault. But this was years later after I had been away from home and on my own.
You moved out at 18? Did you have a stable job? How did you manage? I have a job now but I only get like 7-12 hours a week cuz business is slow.

My dad would never admit it is his fault or anything. He would just push it on to me. I am the one who just cant let it go and I should be happy for my sister.
Quote:
Dont let it eat you up. There's nothing you can do about the past but you can do a lot about your future. You hit your majority age now. Make plans to get out and on your own, and in time when things settle, ask them again, why. In the meantime I understand your resentment towards your sister (I had a lot of it to my brother as well) but as a parent now and as we are both adults, I realize that the only person who holds the responsibility for the differences in how we were treated was my mom. Not me, not him.
GL
I know. My friends tell me I need to focus on my dad. My mom just follows whatever he says or does. She hardly thinks for her own so she is not worth getting mad at.

I do not resent her because she has more freedom but rather the WAY she treats me. LIke I said. Her friend calls me all these names and she does not even tell her to stop. She acts like I owe her the world. I was like "All I asked was for a thank you".

And finally after her friend called me whatever, I asked her "who took you to all those school dances? Who dropped you off that Jessicas house when you could not drive? Or Laurens? WHO HELPED YOU to pass the road test? Who ARGUED to get you THAT CELL phone (which I regret)? Who argued to let you go to dances? Who argued for all the freedom you HAVE TODAY? Who spends so much money on gifts for you? Did I NOT buy you **** when I had money? Did I not do **** for you? Had it not been me (the cold hearted mentally abusing "back stabbing" *****-according to Jessica) do not think FOR ONE MOMENT that you would be doing to Chicago or Washington.And Jessica has the nerve to call me a ***** and cold hearted after all that?

Funny how they both shut up after I said that too them. Especially my sister.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
that's even more odd. If they just changed their minds about how strict they need to be, they should have eased up on you too. I really don't understand.
I KNOW! That is why I am all ****hd;hef;jhsdjk;**** YOUheur8239p5y r894****2yr89p!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:15 PM
 
Location: North Carolina
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Quote:
You moved out at 18? Did you have a stable job? How did you manage? I have a job now but I only get like 7-12 hours a week cuz business is slow.
Yes, 18. I moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband.
Yes, I had a stable job that paid very well. I went to a vocational high school with college prep courses in order to have a career I could use anywhere instead of waiting tables through college or whatever else I wanted to do. I went into cosmetology, had my license a week after I graduated and landed a job the following day. I worked hard, long hours, and long weeks in order to establish myself and within a year I had a big enough clientelle of my own that if I had wished to I could easily support myself on my own. My money went to half of all household bills and necessities, the other half went towards our wedding and then a downpayment on a house. My husband did the same with his money.

The point is, if you want to you can do it. I wont lie and say it's going to be easy. You may have to work 2 jobs, and sacrifice a lot in the beginning to get yourself on your own two feet. But that feeling of empowerment and being your own boss without having to cater to your parents whims? I can say at least for myself that was worth it all and then some.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:17 PM
 
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I absolutely feel for you and it sounds like your parents are being easier on your younger sister. They are probably doing this because they saw what a wonderful young woman you turned out to be, and trust comes easier with the second child.

You said you tried therapy and it isn't working, try a different therapist. You have a lot of anger for your parents, and as you and they age, I can tell you this is a relationship you need to value. For now try to get some distance and perspective. Become your own woman and support yourself.

I wish you luck, and hope that you can in the future repair the damage. I know it is hard, I am the younger sister and my sister thinks she got all the hard knocks (although she didn't, but that is another story). Now years later and a strained relationship, my father is dying, my mother is ailing and my sister has cancer. It took this to get them to try and work things out.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:22 PM
 
8,744 posts, read 6,835,222 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhaven View Post
Yes, 18. I moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband.
Yes, I had a stable job that paid very well. I went to a vocational high school with college prep courses in order to have a career I could use anywhere instead of waiting tables through college or whatever else I wanted to do. I went into cosmetology, had my license a week after I graduated and landed a job the following day. I worked hard, long hours, and long weeks in order to establish myself and within a year I had a big enough clientelle of my own that if I had wished to I could easily support myself on my own. My money went to half of all household bills and necessities, the other half went towards our wedding and then a downpayment on a house. My husband did the same with his money.

The point is, if you want to you can do it. I wont lie and say it's going to be easy. You may have to work 2 jobs, and sacrifice a lot in the beginning to get yourself on your own two feet. But that feeling of empowerment and being your own boss without having to cater to your parents whims? I can say at least for myself that was worth it all and then some.
See my boyfriend has a job that gives him like....literally 15 hours a month. He has tried as well but it ain't happening. We live in Michigan. I was lucky to find the 7 hours per week job. Right now everyone is shutting down business and every place that is open is letting go of seasonal/temp workers so it sucks majorly.

You are right. It will not be easy. I feel so uneasy about not living with them despite all this. I am psychologically afraid in a way if that makes sense.

Sigh. I gotta really plan. I know this wont happen overnight but in the meantime I dont know how to deal with this anger and resentment of my home. I am at college....he expects me home at 8 30 or 9...it takes an hour to get home from here and it is 8 20 already.

I just cannot bring myself to get up and go.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:25 PM
 
8,744 posts, read 6,835,222 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
I absolutely feel for you and it sounds like your parents are being easier on your younger sister. They are probably doing this because they saw what a wonderful young woman you turned out to be, and trust comes easier with the second child.

You said you tried therapy and it isn't working, try a different therapist. You have a lot of anger for your parents, and as you and they age, I can tell you this is a relationship you need to value. For now try to get some distance and perspective. Become your own woman and support yourself.

I wish you luck, and hope that you can in the future repair the damage. I know it is hard, I am the younger sister and my sister thinks she got all the hard knocks (although she didn't, but that is another story). Now years later and a strained relationship, my father is dying, my mother is ailing and my sister has cancer. It took this to get them to try and work things out.
Now that is some real sad stuff.

Yeah, I tried three different therapists and it just did not work. I think it also did not help that whenever I would come home from therapy, my parents would hound me "WHAT DID YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT FOR AN HOUR?! HUH?! WHAT WAS IT THAT YOU CANT TELL US?!"

You ok though? I mean....it seems like most of your family is sick. How is your health?
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Old 01-25-2010, 09:27 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice View Post
Before I even start, please please PLEASE try to understand. This is difficult for me and I would appreciate some good input.

I am the eldest daughter in the family and come from a traditional family. We are Indian and they are strict as all hell.

Growing up they were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNBELIEVABLY STRICT on me. My friends PARENTS would comment on it saying they could not believe that parents that came to the USA should not be that strict.

I am 21. When I was 17, my curfew was 8:30 pm. I lost out on going out to parties (non drinking-more like friend get togethers) because it would upset them so much. When I wanted to go to prom, I lost my voice TWICE fighting with him to go to this STUPID dance. Even then, he wanted me home at 8 30 even though it started at 8. I argued and wanted to go to the after dinner but he said no. I came home at 10 just to avoid a bigger fight.

Today my sister is 17 and guess what? My dad let her go to Chicago with her friends and now in Feb, she is going to Washington DC for a WEEK. How come at 17, my curfew was ****ing 8:30 pm and I was not allowed to go to peoples houses but yet she can walk around DC for a ****ing week?

Even now, she has MORE FREEDOM than me. She stays out past 11:30pm and my dad does not care or even know. If I dare to get out of the house (now) to even water the plants, he gets upset. I went out just for a walk and he calls me SCREAMING. He starts calling me at like 5 pm DEMANDING to know when I will be home.

And no, before you all ask me-I NEVER did drugs, drank or smoked, got pregnant, brought home police, got in trouble. My behaviour on my report card was always O for Outstanding or S for Satisfactory.

I had a boyfriend which made them mad but they NEED TO GET OVER IT! THIS IS THE USA NOW.

When I bring all this crap up, they tell me to "leave it in the past" and to "be happy for my sister". When I tell them I feel they love her and favor her more, they either stay silent or laugh. If my kid EVER said that to me, I certainly would not LAUGH at them. They then go on to tell me "how holding a grudge" is not a good thing. Who can blame ME? I have to live with the constant reminder that I am NOTHING. NOTHING TO THEM.

My sisters friend called me a "cold hearted, backstabbing, mentally abusing *****" because I am "oh so terrible for demanding my parents explain their sudden compassion". Hah. Does her friend know what mental or physical abuse is? How about when my mother told me repeatably that she asks God why I was born to her? How about when she hit me in the mouth when her shoes? How ABOUT WHEN she took that FRYING PAN AND HIT ME with it? What ABOUT THAT? How about when she tells me "DIE *****"? I am not lying. My mother has done ALL of this to me.

I can understand being more liberal with the second child but how is it to THIS degree?

I look back and am filled with so much regret that I could not live out my childhood/teen years/high school years how I wanted too. Seeing my sister live it through me all the while being UNGRATEFUL is enough to make my blood pressure BLOW.

Excuse me but now I think I am going to cry myself to sleep. I feel so worthless. All these people who were my friends lost touch with my because I could never go to their houses or do anything. They don't bother inviting me to go anywhere because they know it will be a 'no'. Some people who do know me from back then also ask how the hell my sister gets away with all of it.

HELP ME PLEASE PARENTS.
Being the firstborn is a tough gig. Babies don't come with instruction manuals so parents have to figure things out as they go along. The good ones ALWAYS hold on too tightly to the reins

But as you grow up and they see you are turning out okay, they get more self-confidence about this parenting thing. They begin to realize they don't always have to be so controlling. Subsequent kids almost always have more liberal rules and more relaxed parents - it happens. No, it's not "fair" to the firstborns, but guess what? The world is not a fair place! The sooner you quit expecting it to be, the happier you'll be

Accept that your parents did the best they knew to do with you and for you. And now that they know better, they do better by your sister. They owe you NO explanations for anything - you are their child, not their peer.

It's time to grow up and quit throwing a temper tantrum. You are too young to understand what a parent feels for a child - you are far from "nothing" to them! In fact, you are EVERYTHING to them, and you are just too blind to see it. Parents never love their kids exactly the same way because no two kids are exactly alike.

Once you get out on your own you'll gain some perspective and hopefully be more forgiving towards them for the mistakes they have made. And since your mother seems to have had a temper and said some outrageous things, maybe moving out now would be best for you so that you can establish a more adult relationship with them. Best of luck, and stop ruminating about it all - you are just wasting valuable energy.
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Old 01-25-2010, 09:56 PM
 
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I had much stricter rules than my younger brother (gender did not have much to do with it). My rules did not change until my senior year, and the only reason they changed is because my younger brother was allowed out late once he got to high school, so then I could stay out later.

As you mentioned though, your rules did not change even when your sister got more freedom. Do you think it could be something related to your culture (with the oldest) or maybe they are trying to keep you from marrying someone you choose and that's why?

Just thoughts, looks like you got a lot of great advice. Good luck.
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:04 PM
 
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One of the first things a young adult must do in order to be able to function effectively is to forgive his/her parents for the mistakes they made. Unfortunately, it can also be one of the more difficult things you have to do. Unless your parents are truly evil, and it doesn't sound as if that is the case, they made their mistakes out of love, trying to do the best they could. They were probably conflicted between their desire to be a traditional Indian family and their decision to live in the American culture.

It sounds as if their restrictions on you come from the tendency to err on the side of their own culture. Perhaps they had family pressures on them for how they were rearing you. Could it be that their expectations for you as the elder sister have always been different from the ones they have for your sister, particularly as they had no son? I think that many families have a mismatch in the perceived roles they have for each child.

You mentioned that you were "to be married off" one day. Do they already have an arrangement in mind? Perhaps they have not been frank with you. There may be a family out there somewhere for whom you have been intended. Even if they don't already have a groom in mind, they may be traditional enough to try to arrange a marriage for you. This would be a very touchy subject.

You also said that you were in college. Could you declare yourself independent and live in the dorm? The problem is the FAFSA, but the financial aid office at your school could help you. I'm sure they have dealt with situations where a student suddenly has to fend for him/herself.

The post about getting caught up in your feelings is very insightful. You need to sort out the difference between how you feel and what you think and believe. Sometimes it is important to make your decisions based on emotions, but you always need to have your rational self firmly in charge of your decision-making, even when you ultimately decide to act on your feelings.

Adulthood can be very long, and I never understood how special the adult relationship can be between parents and children until I became an adult. I do believe that your parents want what is best for you, but they can't yet make the leap to their role as the parents of an adult. Your own adulthood will be richer if you can help them navigate these unfamiliar waters and avoid becoming estranged from them or your sister. She is also having to deal with her own changing roles and relationships. It can't be helpful for either of you to be at odds. And frankly, as far as her friend, the whole situation is none of her (expletive deleted) business.

Good luck.
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:27 PM
 
8,744 posts, read 6,835,222 times
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Originally Posted by Reneeme View Post
I had much stricter rules than my younger brother (gender did not have much to do with it). My rules did not change until my senior year, and the only reason they changed is because my younger brother was allowed out late once he got to high school, so then I could stay out later.
Yeah but my rules have not changed.
Quote:
As you mentioned though, your rules did not change even when your sister got more freedom. Do you think it could be something related to your culture (with the oldest) or maybe they are trying to keep you from marrying someone you choose and that's why?
Sigh....this is just the start of a new thread. I am in love with someone. Who is not Indian...and....
Quote:
Just thoughts, looks like you got a lot of great advice. Good luck.
Thanks!
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lhpartridge View Post
One of the first things a young adult must do in order to be able to function effectively is to forgive his/her parents for the mistakes they made. Unfortunately, it can also be one of the more difficult things you have to do. Unless your parents are truly evil, and it doesn't sound as if that is the case, they made their mistakes out of love, trying to do the best they could. They were probably conflicted between their desire to be a traditional Indian family and their decision to live in the American culture.
Why come to US then? I often ask them that. All my friends and people around me living their lives and there was me. I don't care about some culture from a foreign country. I only love MY COUNTRY and MY CULTURE.

I am ME. An American GIRL. Not some person who hangs onto traditions of a country I could care less about!

My uncle in India has that issue. He is now in his late 60s and cannot forgive his dad (my grandfather). My grandfather is dying ailing old man and my uncle still wont forgive him. Meanwhile I doubt it will get to that point with me I certainly know how he feels now.
Quote:
It sounds as if their restrictions on you come from the tendency to err on the side of their own culture. Perhaps they had family pressures on them for how they were rearing you. Could it be that their expectations for you as the elder sister have always been different from the ones they have for your sister, particularly as they had no son? I think that many families have a mismatch in the perceived roles they have for each child.
Sons have more freedom. Remember marriage (I will be touching on next)? My male cousin was going to marry a non Indian Muslim ( A BIG NO NO) but did anyone say anything to him? NOPE! But if I brought home a Muslim, I would be beheaded. Literally.

Quote:
You mentioned that you were "to be married off" one day. Do they already have an arrangement in mind? Perhaps they have not been frank with you. There may be a family out there somewhere for whom you have been intended. Even if they don't already have a groom in mind, they may be traditional enough to try to arrange a marriage for you. This would be a very touchy subject.
Yes, it is touchy. I am too be married off but they do not have a groom in mind. However, this is another storm waiting to happen. The person I love is Chinese and it will be 4 years in June that we have been dating....

Quote:
You also said that you were in college. Could you declare yourself independent and live in the dorm? The problem is the FAFSA, but the financial aid office at your school could help you. I'm sure they have dealt with situations where a student suddenly has to fend for him/herself.
My college is so ****ty that they don't have dorms. I drive 2 hours everyday.

How do you declare yourself independent?

Quote:
The post about getting caught up in your feelings is very insightful. You need to sort out the difference between how you feel and what you think and believe. Sometimes it is important to make your decisions based on emotions, but you always need to have your rational self firmly in charge of your decision-making, even when you ultimately decide to act on your feelings.
I know. This is why if I could move out, I would. I am only making 9 dollars an hour and working 8 hours a week.

I don't know. They're not bad parents. Things happened in the past but whatever. This is the present. I cannot handle seeing HER live out the life I never could. Washington DC? I am ****ing addicted to politics and there she goes! I wanted to see Obama!

When **** like this does not happen, we can be ok. I just get so enraged. Meow!!!!!!

Quote:

Adulthood can be very long, and I never understood how special the adult relationship can be between parents and children until I became an adult. I do believe that your parents want what is best for you, but they can't yet make the leap to their role as the parents of an adult. Your own adulthood will be richer if you can help them navigate these unfamiliar waters and avoid becoming estranged from them or your sister. She is also having to deal with her own changing roles and relationships. It can't be helpful for either of you to be at odds. And frankly, as far as her friend, the whole situation is none of her (expletive deleted) business.

Good luck.
I guess I cannot say anything since I am 21.

Why do you think they cannot adapt to the role of parents of an adult? Yet they let her go to Washington DC? We live in MI btw.
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