Parents, please help me! What the HELL are my parents thinking? (ideas, divorce)

[lhpartridge]

Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice

Why come to US then? I often ask them that. All my friends and people around me living their lives and there was me. I don't care about some culture from a foreign country. I only love MY COUNTRY and MY CULTURE.

I am ME. An American GIRL. Not some person who hangs onto traditions of a country I could care less about!

My uncle in India has that issue. He is now in his late 60s and cannot forgive his dad (my grandfather). My grandfather is dying ailing old man and my uncle still wont forgive him. Meanwhile I doubt it will get to that point with me I certainly know how he feels now.
Sons have more freedom. Remember marriage (I will be touching on next)? My male cousin was going to marry a non Indian Muslim ( A BIG NO NO) but did anyone say anything to him? NOPE! But if I brought home a Muslim, I would be beheaded. Literally.

Yes, it is touchy. I am too be married off but they do not have a groom in mind. However, this is another storm waiting to happen. The person I love is Chinese and it will be 4 years in June that we have been dating....

My college is so ****ty that they don't have dorms. I drive 2 hours everyday.

How do you declare yourself independent?

I know. This is why if I could move out, I would. I am only making 9 dollars an hour and working 8 hours a week.

I don't know. They're not bad parents. Things happened in the past but whatever. This is the present. I cannot handle seeing HER live out the life I never could. Washington DC? I am ****ing addicted to politics and there she goes! I wanted to see Obama!

When **** like this does not happen, we can be ok. I just get so enraged. Meow!!!!!!


I guess I cannot say anything since I am 21.

Why do you think they cannot adapt to the role of parents of an adult? Yet they let her go to Washington DC? We live in MI btw.

I only have time now for your last question. I am dealing with this now. I have two children on the cusp of adulthood. We are all having trouble dealing with the changes. Your parents have had full responsibility for you for the last 21 years. Whenever they look at you, they see the entirety of your life. They have been adults YOUR WHOLE LIFE. You have been growing and evolving and are continuing to do so. You are just now becoming aware of things that you had no knowledge of until recently. I suspect that there is more that they are not telling you--something that is creating a difference between their expectations for you and your sister.

It will take them a couple of years to make the transition. You too, will change a lot as you move into your middle twenties. Try to compartmentalize your anger toward them and your sister so that you can think clearly. Then, when you have the time to indulge your feelings, let it all out in a safe way, preferably privately, so that there are few, if any, repercussions.

If possible, talk to your mother, or if she has a sister, to your aunt, to find out if there is some prior arrangement that they haven't shared with you. I would have to do this just to ease my own mind. You are an American girl. They sealed that fate when they decided to bring you up here. They may need help understanding what they have really done by having a couple of American kids.

[Ceece]

I was 21 when I moved out of my parents house. The years leading up to that were sometimes hard because I was also the oldest and the only girl and my parents were strict about things, especially where I was, who I was with, and when I should be home. To be honest, at about age 19 I just stopped listening to them and did what I wanted, while letting them know what I was doing. I particularly remember a phone call I made to them when I was going to catch a late movie with some friends of mine. My mom cried, yelled, ordered me to come home, etc. She gave the phone to my dad to get him to get me home and I just told him that I was over 18 and didn't need permission to be out with friends and I just wanted to let them know where I was so they wouldn't worry. Mom didn't speak to me for weeks, and pulled my clothes out of the laundry and left them in a pile in the garage without washing them (it was her "revenge" so I started doing my own laundry) but I didn't get much grief from them after that.

[chicagomichauds]

I can completely understand having a rage against your parents for things in the past. I think all of us do to some extent. I don't have a clue what they are thinking except that often the oldest gets all the restrictions/rules and by the time there are younger kids, the parents have "learned" that the oldest is fine and they are more lenient with the younger ones.

I'm not excusing anything that happened to you, just looking at it from a parent's view.

Pls take the advice given here and GET OUT and on with your life. 21 is extremely young and you have your entire life ahead of you. There are a lot of people who have had worse abusive situations that have gone on to have wonderful lives. YOU can do this too. Good luck.

[veuvegirl]

Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice

Now that is some real sad stuff.

Yeah, I tried three different therapists and it just did not work. I think it also did not help that whenever I would come home from therapy, my parents would hound me "WHAT DID YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT FOR AN HOUR?! HUH?! WHAT WAS IT THAT YOU CANT TELL US?!"

You ok though? I mean....it seems like most of your family is sick. How is your health?

I am fine, but it sounds like you have so many anger issues. I know it is easier said than done, but let it go. You are so hung up on everything wrong your parents did, everything your sister got and you didn't, let it go. You cannot change your past, you can only change your future, it is time to start now.

[Hopes]

I haven't read more than the first page, but I wanted to respond.

While what your parents did to you is inexcusable, I do think that you need to find happiness for your sister. It's not uncommon for the oldest to be treated more strictly. Even families that spank their children do so more to the oldest child. Granted, your parents took that to an unacceptable level.

But you were more than physically disciplined. You were mentally and physically abused. I think you need to get into therapy now that you are an adult. You have a lot to overcome. Focusing on how your sister is treated better isn't going to help you heal.

I know many in this thread say that you should move out. However, I think you should stay and finish your education if you can stand it. Letting them get away with not paying for your education is like letting them win. Furthermore, you are covered under your father's health insurance---that's how you can afford therapy which you desperately need.

For the future, do NOT allow your parents to arrange your marriage. They do not have your best interest at heart. They will not chose you a proper mate. I think you should chose to marry an American man who comes from a family with a western heritage. Preferrably a man from a family that has been in the United States for many generations. Even then you need to be careful in your mate selection. Victims of abuse run the risk of chosing abusive spouses or becoming abusive parents themselves. You need therapy---and probably a lot of therapy---to heal and break the cycle.

You should study abuse in eastern and middle eastern cultures. From what I understand, it's very common. The husband abuses the wife, the wife abuses the servant, and everyone abuses the kids. Mental illness is very prevalent in these cultures too.

Even though the abuse you suffered is terrible and unexcusable, I'm more disturbed that they continue to abuse you as an adult. I fear you may be an abuse anomaly that sometimes occurs where a family picks on member to abuse. Either that or your parents are simply stuck in the abusive mentality and you are stuck in the victim mentality.

Your anger at how your sister is being treated tells me that you most certainly are stuck in the victim mentality. You need to learn that even though you are a victim, embracing the victim mentality keeps you eternally a victim.

Forgive me if my post doesn't sound sympathetic. I am. However, I don't think I'm going to help you by saying "oh, poor you. That's so terrible." I can help by validating----YES, you were and are abused. And I can help you by encouraging you to focus on your future, not the past. You're not going to get anywhere in the past. You need to overcome the past to find happiness in your future.

[MAtheBanker]

Parenting changes drastically from one child to the next, and my situation was exactly opposite of yours.

I was the youngest of 7, and all my older siblings got freedom, cars, boy/girlfriends, late nights, group dates, etc. Once my sister and I (we're 1 1/2 years apart) hit our teenage years, WHAM! No freedom AT ALL. I wasn't allowed to leave the house, have friends over, stay out late, participate in extra-curricular activities, or go on dates. It was HELL, and all my siblings knew it. I think my mom and dad were just sick of raising kids by the time my sister and I reached our teens. I often heard her talk about how horrible we were, and how we were basically bad seeds--we could never do right by her. We never did drugs, drank, messed around with boys, we got good grades, our teachers loved us, but none of it mattered. Now, 8+ years later, my sister and I are the only ones in our family with obesity problems, relationship dysfunctions (neither of us have ever dated anyone), and social problems. I partially blame the way we were raised for it--it's obvious the change in parenting majorly affected us. I am, by far, the most successful person in my family. I owned a home at 23, and have had the same, steady job since I was 19. To this day my mom still thinks I'm immature, unsuccessful and unworthy.

So, as you can see, parents may be lax with one child, but strict with another. I don't know why it's done, but you're not alone. Trust me

[Fighter 1]

Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice

Before I even start, please please PLEASE try to understand. This is difficult for me and I would appreciate some good input.

I am the eldest daughter in the family and come from a traditional family. We are Indian and they are strict as all hell.

Growing up they were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNBELIEVABLY STRICT on me. My friends PARENTS would comment on it saying they could not believe that parents that came to the USA should not be that strict.

I am 21. When I was 17, my curfew was 8:30 pm. I lost out on going out to parties (non drinking-more like friend get togethers) because it would upset them so much. When I wanted to go to prom, I lost my voice TWICE fighting with him to go to this STUPID dance. Even then, he wanted me home at 8 30 even though it started at 8. I argued and wanted to go to the after dinner but he said no. I came home at 10 just to avoid a bigger fight.

Today my sister is 17 and guess what? My dad let her go to Chicago with her friends and now in Feb, she is going to Washington DC for a WEEK. How come at 17, my curfew was ****ing 8:30 pm and I was not allowed to go to peoples houses but yet she can walk around DC for a ****ing week?

Even now, she has MORE FREEDOM than me. She stays out past 11:30pm and my dad does not care or even know. If I dare to get out of the house (now) to even water the plants, he gets upset. I went out just for a walk and he calls me SCREAMING. He starts calling me at like 5 pm DEMANDING to know when I will be home.

And no, before you all ask me-I NEVER did drugs, drank or smoked, got pregnant, brought home police, got in trouble. My behaviour on my report card was always O for Outstanding or S for Satisfactory.

I had a boyfriend which made them mad but they NEED TO GET OVER IT! THIS IS THE USA NOW.

When I bring all this crap up, they tell me to "leave it in the past" and to "be happy for my sister". When I tell them I feel they love her and favor her more, they either stay silent or laugh. If my kid EVER said that to me, I certainly would not LAUGH at them. They then go on to tell me "how holding a grudge" is not a good thing. Who can blame ME? I have to live with the constant reminder that I am NOTHING. NOTHING TO THEM.

My sisters friend called me a "cold hearted, backstabbing, mentally abusing *****" because I am "oh so terrible for demanding my parents explain their sudden compassion". Hah. Does her friend know what mental or physical abuse is? How about when my mother told me repeatably that she asks God why I was born to her? How about when she hit me in the mouth when her shoes? How ABOUT WHEN she took that FRYING PAN AND HIT ME with it? What ABOUT THAT? How about when she tells me "DIE *****"? I am not lying. My mother has done ALL of this to me.

I can understand being more liberal with the second child but how is it to THIS degree?

I look back and am filled with so much regret that I could not live out my childhood/teen years/high school years how I wanted too. Seeing my sister live it through me all the while being UNGRATEFUL is enough to make my blood pressure BLOW.

Excuse me but now I think I am going to cry myself to sleep. I feel so worthless. All these people who were my friends lost touch with my because I could never go to their houses or do anything. They don't bother inviting me to go anywhere because they know it will be a 'no'. Some people who do know me from back then also ask how the hell my sister gets away with all of it.

HELP ME PLEASE PARENTS.

Having read most of the responces here,I would only have one more thing to add and that is that you are an adult , you have gone threw a very bad young life. But you have made it. Now you need to accept what has been done and not spend the rest of your life asking why! You can never change what has been done in the past only what is in the future(I have been in your shoes so i know from experance , 48 yrs ago) At the age of 68 I still look back ( not dwell on ) and ask the question why, knowing I will never get a real answer, It really doesn't matter I have raised two children and am enjoying my elder years as you will too. Live your life now! not in the past.

Hope you can move on with your life,which includes marring the person "you" choose( yes you are in America an can do that with asking for anyones permission)That will be the part of your life you will have total control of and those in your life can either accept it or get on with their own life.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice

I do not resent her because she has more freedom but rather the WAY she treats me.

Every member of your family plays a part. Your part is the victim. Your sister treats you badly because that is how she was raised. It's not right, but that's her part in the abuse. She is just as much of a victim of this family dynamic as you because she was taught how to abuse. It does sound like you're from a family that choses one person to abuse. It's not uncommon for the abusers to move on to someone else when the victim leaves. Your sister or another sibling very well could end up a victim after you move out of the house. If you continue emotional dramatic contact with your family after you move, she probably wont' become a victim because the family will still be able to put all of it's abusive energy into you.

You need therapy. You probably need medication too. Try to find a way to seek therapy without their knowledge. Go to the student services department of your college. Most colleges offer therapy. I'm sure they will be able to find you treatment that doesn't need to be billed through the insurance. There's even medication available through Walmart and Target for a mere $4 per month. The last thing you need is your family knowing that you are in therapy. You need to make that very clear when you seek help.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Hopes

Every member of your family plays a part. Your part is the victim. Your sister treats you badly because that is how she was raised. It's not right, but that's her part in the abuse. She is just as much of a victim of this family dynamic as you because she was taught how to abuse. It does sound like you're from a family that choses one person to abuse. It's not uncommon for the abusers to move on to someone else when the victim leaves. Your sister or another sibling very well could end up a victim after you move out of the house. If you continue emotional dramatic contact with your family after you move, she probably wont' become a victim because the family will still be able to put all of it's abusive energy into you.

You need therapy. You probably need medication too. Try to find a way to seek therapy without their knowledge. Go to the student services department of your college. Most colleges offer therapy. I'm sure they will be able to find you treatment that doesn't need to be billed through the insurance. There's even medication available through Walmart and Target for a mere $4 per month. The last thing you need is your family knowing that you are in therapy. You need to make that very clear when you seek help.

Medication and therapy??? Trust me, I am a big proponent of both, WHEN THEY ARE NECESSARY. But this situation hardly qualifies if you ask me.

What this kid needs is to GROW UP.

She is 21 and talks like a 15 year old.

She whines and is caught up in the "unfairness" of life.

Maybe it's a cultural thing, but she claims to be an "American girl", so she needs to start acting like one. That means she needs to look for a way to be self-supporting and move out of her parents extremely comfortable home, where I am sure they have spoiled her with every major convenience by the way.

What she needs is to find a mentor, an older friend or relative to help her in this process, to give her some direction.

What she needs is to quit complaining and get about the business of living her own life. She's 21 for pete's sake - I was a married and had a mortgage by then

[Laura707]

Without reading all the other responses my thought is this..

You are 21 years old.. Why are you still living at home with your parents? They sound toxic to me and you should get as far away from them as you can.