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Old 01-25-2010, 11:05 AM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,002,940 times
Reputation: 3384

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Before I even start, please please PLEASE try to understand. This is difficult for me and I would appreciate some good input.

I am the eldest daughter in the family and come from a traditional family. We are Indian and they are strict as all hell.

Growing up they were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UNBELIEVABLY STRICT on me. My friends PARENTS would comment on it saying they could not believe that parents that came to the USA should not be that strict.

I am 21. When I was 17, my curfew was 8:30 pm. I lost out on going out to parties (non drinking-more like friend get togethers) because it would upset them so much. When I wanted to go to prom, I lost my voice TWICE fighting with him to go to this STUPID dance. Even then, he wanted me home at 8 30 even though it started at 8. I argued and wanted to go to the after dinner but he said no. I came home at 10 just to avoid a bigger fight.

Today my sister is 17 and guess what? My dad let her go to Chicago with her friends and now in Feb, she is going to Washington DC for a WEEK. How come at 17, my curfew was ****ing 8:30 pm and I was not allowed to go to peoples houses but yet she can walk around DC for a ****ing week?

Even now, she has MORE FREEDOM than me. She stays out past 11:30pm and my dad does not care or even know. If I dare to get out of the house (now) to even water the plants, he gets upset. I went out just for a walk and he calls me SCREAMING. He starts calling me at like 5 pm DEMANDING to know when I will be home.

And no, before you all ask me-I NEVER did drugs, drank or smoked, got pregnant, brought home police, got in trouble. My behaviour on my report card was always O for Outstanding or S for Satisfactory.

I had a boyfriend which made them mad but they NEED TO GET OVER IT! THIS IS THE USA NOW.

When I bring all this crap up, they tell me to "leave it in the past" and to "be happy for my sister". When I tell them I feel they love her and favor her more, they either stay silent or laugh. If my kid EVER said that to me, I certainly would not LAUGH at them. They then go on to tell me "how holding a grudge" is not a good thing. Who can blame ME? I have to live with the constant reminder that I am NOTHING. NOTHING TO THEM.

My sisters friend called me a "cold hearted, backstabbing, mentally abusing *****" because I am "oh so terrible for demanding my parents explain their sudden compassion". Hah. Does her friend know what mental or physical abuse is? How about when my mother told me repeatably that she asks God why I was born to her? How about when she hit me in the mouth when her shoes? How ABOUT WHEN she took that FRYING PAN AND HIT ME with it? What ABOUT THAT? How about when she tells me "DIE *****"? I am not lying. My mother has done ALL of this to me.

I can understand being more liberal with the second child but how is it to THIS degree?

I look back and am filled with so much regret that I could not live out my childhood/teen years/high school years how I wanted too. Seeing my sister live it through me all the while being UNGRATEFUL is enough to make my blood pressure BLOW.

Excuse me but now I think I am going to cry myself to sleep. I feel so worthless. All these people who were my friends lost touch with my because I could never go to their houses or do anything. They don't bother inviting me to go anywhere because they know it will be a 'no'. Some people who do know me from back then also ask how the hell my sister gets away with all of it.

HELP ME PLEASE PARENTS.
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Denver area
21,141 posts, read 22,118,386 times
Reputation: 35536
It does seem quite unfair but understand we're obviously hearing one side of the story....
That said, the best way to get away from the situation is to move out and support yourself. Regardless of how unfair the situation may be...it is what it is and if they are supporting you, you don't have too much of a leg to stand on if you all can't even have a rational conversation. You have a lot of anger and while I can't say as I blame you necessarily, it would be more productive use of your time and energy to start making whatever necessary plans to move out and self support (student loans if necessary).....Best of luck.
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:18 AM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,002,940 times
Reputation: 3384
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
It does seem quite unfair but understand we're obviously hearing one side of the story....
That said, the best way to get away from the situation is to move out and support yourself. Regardless of how unfair the situation may be...it is what it is and if they are supporting you, you don't have too much of a leg to stand on if you all can't even have a rational conversation. You have a lot of anger and while I can't say as I blame you necessarily, it would be more productive use of your time and energy to start making whatever necessary plans to move out and self support (student loans if necessary).....Best of luck.
Thanks for your advice.

I know it is one side. That is why I want parents to help me out here. What is going on through their head?!
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:18 AM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,744,558 times
Reputation: 31041
I understand your frustration. I'm sorry you missed out on so much when you were a teen. I think your parents, to a degree, owe you some kind of explanation for changing their minds. It would be good for the whole family if it were out in the open. then at least you would know. It wouldn't help anything for your parents to be as strict on your sister as they were on you, just in the interest of keeping it fair. I agree with them lightening up, and they can't go back and change how they treated you. all I can say is don't dwell on what you missed and what your sister gets to do. You are still young. There is plenty of time left for fun. You are in the best years of your life right now, so enjoy it! (But don't be stupid!). I think you have a right to be upset, but it won't help anyone for you to dwell on the past. I'd probably put some distance between myself and my parents, if that is possible for you.

ETA I don't know what is going through their minds. All I can guess is that they saw that they were wrong, and have a hard time admitting that out loud.
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:22 AM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,002,940 times
Reputation: 3384
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
I understand your frustration. I'm sorry you missed out on so much when you were a teen. I think your parents, to a degree, owe you some kind of explanation for changing their minds. It would be good for the whole family if it were out in the open. then at least you would know. It wouldn't help anything for your parents to be as strict on your sister as they were on you, just in the interest of keeping it fair. I agree with them lightening up, and they can't go back and change how they treated you. all I can say is don't dwell on what you missed and what your sister gets to do. You are still young. There is plenty of time left for fun. You are in the best years of your life right now, so enjoy it! (But don't be stupid!). I think you have a right to be upset, but it won't help anyone for you to dwell on the past. I'd probably put some distance between myself and my parents, if that is possible for you.

ETA I don't know what is going through their minds. All I can guess is that they saw that they were wrong, and have a hard time admitting that out loud.
Thanks hun.

I feel they owe me too but they either
a) tell me to get over the past
b) be happy for my sister
c) ignore me

Hah. I just feel like MY WHOLE LIFE was ALL WASTED sitting in my god damned room trying to cover the bruises from my mom hitting me with shoes.
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:23 AM
 
Location: Denver area
21,141 posts, read 22,118,386 times
Reputation: 35536
Quote:
Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice View Post
Thanks for your advice.

I know it is one side. That is why I want parents to help me out here. What is going on through their head?!
I have no idea. From my perspective it all sounds totally ridiculous but I'm sure they have some justification in their minds. I agree with rkb that it would be best to work something out with them. Hopefully not in a yelling manner. It sounds as if you have tried in the past. Try again but in a calm and mature fashion, explaining how it is hurtful to you. It may work, it may not but like I said, if you are living under their roof, being financially supported by them there really isn't much to do unless they agree. You are 21 not 17 so legally, you can move out. I guess you may have to decide which is more important to you the financial support or the freedom....only you can answer that one.....
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:29 AM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,002,940 times
Reputation: 3384
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
I have no idea. From my perspective it all sounds totally ridiculous but I'm sure they have some justification in their minds. I agree with rkb that it would be best to work something out with them. Hopefully not in a yelling manner. It sounds as if you have tried in the past. Try again but in a calm and mature fashion, explaining how it is hurtful to you. It may work, it may not but like I said, if you are living under their roof, being financially supported by them there really isn't much to do unless they agree. You are 21 not 17 so legally, you can move out. I guess you may have to decide which is more important to you the financial support or the freedom....only you can answer that one.....
I have tried in the past. In fact, I wanted just a day to calm down before I blew up but my dad took so much offense to that. He was like "What the HELL is wrong with you?"

I just said I needed time to myself and he did not like that or want to accept that either. How can I talk to him peacefully when he just won't even give me a DAY to myself.

It won't work. He gets way too defensive.

This is not the thing though. I just want to know where they got so compassionate to my sister when they had nothing but CRAP for me. Where was their compassion when the school therapist and my best friends mom told them I needed therapy? You want to know what they did?

My mom PLEADED with me to not tell the therapist what she did to me or else "mommy will go to jail and you don't want THAT do you?"

WHERE was their love then?
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:36 AM
 
Location: here
24,469 posts, read 28,744,558 times
Reputation: 31041
Quote:
Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice View Post
Thanks hun.

I feel they owe me too but they either
a) tell me to get over the past
b) be happy for my sister
c) ignore me

Hah. I just feel like MY WHOLE LIFE was ALL WASTED sitting in my god damned room trying to cover the bruises from my mom hitting me with shoes.
You may feel like your whole so far has been wasted, but you are young and have a lot more life ahead of you. Work toward moving out so you can live life like YOU want to. If you can't get them to give you an answer when you try to have a calm, rational discussion, then there probably isn't much you can do.
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:37 AM
 
Location: Denver area
21,141 posts, read 22,118,386 times
Reputation: 35536
It sounds like an unfortunate situation all the way around. But as I've said, no one here can answer questions about what your parents were or are thinking. All you can do is own who you are now and how to move forward. You may never get the answers you want. You can dwell on that or you can move on with your life. Get counseling now if you can, to help you deal with all of it. It's never too late.
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:47 AM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,002,940 times
Reputation: 3384
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
It sounds like an unfortunate situation all the way around. But as I've said, no one here can answer questions about what your parents were or are thinking. All you can do is own who you are now and how to move forward. You may never get the answers you want. You can dwell on that or you can move on with your life. Get counseling now if you can, to help you deal with all of it. It's never too late.
Wow you have a lot of rep points.

I tried therapy but you know what? I dont know why. It does not help. It is just a rage so deep down inside of me. I don't know.
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