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All that is working for him and he is getting what he wants. As long as it works and he gets what he wants it will continue to go on and have no reason to clean up his act.
My 19 year old son has been slowly spiraling out of control for approximately 2 years now. I had major problems with him and drugs in high school ( especially the last 2 years) although we managed to get him graduated. He then went on to basic training but quit after 1 week because he didn't like it and used his stay in a mental hospital as an excuse to get out. ( it worked). Just to let you know, he was put in the hospital because of 2 suicide attempts. He could have gotten a waiver to go into the military but chose not to do so. He has basically admitted to using his stay as a way to get out.
then 6 months later after looking for work ( half assed I might add) his dad got him a job at his facility. He got fired yesterday for failing a drug test. I had warned him more than once ( because I knew he smoked marijuana) that the company tests for drugs all the time because of major problems they have had there concerning them. Now, I don't know what to do. He is supposed to start school in 2 weeks ( tech school) but has no money to pay for gas, food etc. How do I handle this? I absolutely hate to kick the kid when he is down, but if something isn't done and done soon, I'm afraid he is never going to grow up into the responsible kid that I know he can be.
I know in a lot of ways I am enabling him to never grow up. Would giving him a timeline to get a job be reasonable? The jobs around here are scarce and he will have major difficulty finding one.
I need some help from those who have been there. Also just wanted to add that he doesn't see anything wrong with smoking marijuana because after all, "everyone does it" That's the biggest problem with him. Its always everyone else's fault but his. Please advise......
As someone who had a husband who was a major addict to both alcohol & drugs, this is my advice... And I promise you, you WILL NOT LIKE IT. Kick him out. Let him fail. Explain to him that it's not that you don't love him. On the contrary. You love him with all of your heart, but you and your husband are not going to enable him any longer. You have talked to him till you are blue in the face. You pushed him to graduate so he could suceed. You supported him when he went into the military, but he refused to see it through. And you got him a job. And inspite of you reminding him that the company drug tested randomly, he CHOOSE to continue to use. Tell him that when he's ready to take his life seriously and respect you and your husband, you will be there for him. But he has to make the choice. He's a full grown man now. He's responcible for his own life. So what happens from here on out is on him. And tell him your future help is contigent on him willing to not only go into rehab but he needs to work and live the program.
Once you've done that hold firm. Change your locks. Get a home security system and use it. And PRAY! For God is the ONLY one who can reach where your son is at. I'm sorry I have to tell you this. I know how hard it is to kick someone you love so very much out on thier ear, but you have to pull the rug out. Check out Allinon (and free). It's an organization to the families of AA & Drug faction (forgot the name). They can help you so much. I hope this helps. Feel free to email me.
He is 19. You have poured all you could into him and this is the thanks you get. There is really nothing you can do now but give him tough love and let him learn the hard way. My guess is you should have done this years ago, but did not.
You must not give him any money. If you let him sleep under your roof, he must abide by your rules
(meaning he cannot worry or inconvenience you in any way) or out he goes. My guess is that your rules will not be agreeable to him so he will leave. So be it.
After that, I would let him know there's a meal waiting for him if he's hungry, but that's it, and he should not bother calling you if he winds up in jail, either.
Oh boy Okay, I get that you are "disappointed" and "hurt", but unless you want to continue to feel that way when he's 40 years old GET HIM INTO A THERAPUTIC RESIDENTAL PROGRAM ASAP.
I don't disagree, but I know people who don't have insurance, insurance doesn't cover or they earn $10 a year too much to qualify for a state program. If you do qualify, you are placed on a waiting list. A lot of people fall through the cracks.
If you're going to let him stay for a while - strip his room, because there will be inspections. If he's not working for a paycheck, he's working for you; give him a list. Regular, monitored drug tests will be performed by parents. That means Dad or other male sees what hits the test strip; there's way too much information on the internet about cheating.
Try to get him into some kind of program, do your best to keep him clean and productive at home. If that doesn't work, as others have pointed out, there's always the door.
He doesn't need drug rehab for marijuana. The OP didn't indicate there is an addition. She simply said that he doesn't see anything wrong with smoking marijuana.
I can understand how he feels that way. Afterall, our last three presidents smoked marijuana. Many states decriminalized it long ago. Now there is a movement towards medical legalization. While still a federal law, the federal government will no longer impose in states where it's legal.
He learned his lesson---have a job that drug tests, don't smoke marijuana. If he wants to continue smoking marijuana, he needs to pursue a higher education where he can attain a position that doesn't test for drugs, gain a skill where he can be self employed, or move to a state where medical marijuana is legal. For the last option, he could make a fortune growing it for dispensaries.
Plenty? Seriously. Marijuana stays in the system from 3 to 90 days. Just because he tested positive doesn't mean that he's smoking marijuana every day.
I've never heard of anyone going to rehab just for pot. But weed does kill your motivation and this guy sounds as if he needs to be motivated.
Wilderness camps are like $5k/week. Minimum of 6wks. Who has that $$? And then how do you even know it'd work? If the kid even went?
OP needs to read my thread...."17yo....", as her son may end up like my teens father....not good. He is 41 and has nothing, no job, no motivation and acts like a 20yo. His mother, my son's paternal grandmother, is STILL rescuing the dad!
I just hope and pray my 17yo shapes up, time will tell. Tough love is hard.
I am up to my neck from the boy, he knows it. I just hope I can stay strong.
OP it's very hard. Good luck to you.
If you'd like, here's a novena to St. Monica-saint for wayward husbands and sons:
Do you know if there is anything like that available at a college level that focuses mostly on phycological therapy, not drug rehab?
I'd love for my son who has social anxiety to go away to live at college, but I know that's asking for a disaster.
Right now, he's living at home and attending his first year of college. I'm glad he has finally agreed to therapy.
He's doing good, but it's going to be a long road. My biggest fear is that he'll never leave home.
Don't get me wrong----I say that with all of the love in my heart. I am just being realistic in knowing that a child living at home for eternity isn't healthy.
But what's a parent to do with an adult child with debilitating anxiety problems? We're not wealthy.
And I'm not going to put him on SS disability. He has so much potential. He's such an amazing person in so many ways.
That's an unfair assumption. Plenty of people smoke marijuana without getting into other things.
Do you know if there is anything like that available at a college level that focuses mostly on phycological therapy, not drug rehab?
I'd love for my son who has social anxiety to go away to live at college, but I know that's asking for a disaster.
Right now, he's living at home and attending his first year of college. I'm glad he has finally agreed to therapy.
He's doing good, but it's going to be a long road. My biggest fear is that he'll never leave home.
Don't get me wrong----I say that with all of the love in my heart. I am just being realistic in knowing that a child living at home for eternity isn't healthy.
But what's a parent to do with an adult child with debilitating anxiety problems? We're not wealthy.
And I'm not going to put him on SS disability. He has so much potential. He's such an amazing person in so many ways.
Has he tried Zoloft yet? It can REALLY help with social anxiety and could get him on the road to being able to live away from home
Maybe if you contact the folks on the link I provided above they could steer you toward the right kind of program for your son.
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Okay, I get that you are "disappointed" and "hurt", but unless you want to continue to feel that way when he's 40 years old GET HIM INTO A THERAPUTIC RESIDENTAL PROGRAM ASAP.
