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My experience is that I usually get most RSVP's by the date that I specify(or the day after). I think a week out is too far out to plan for many parents. I know that sounds silly, but many people don't plan that far ahead, with the exception of relative and really close friend's birthdays.
I usually set an RSVP date about 5 days before the party, so Monday before a Saturday party because people get busy and forget to call on the weekends. Then I allow a day or so for the people that call in when they realize they just missed the RSVP date. Most my RSVPs come in right around the "deadline," not much earlier no matter how much notice I give parents.
I also provide a number AND email address to RSVP. Many parents are uncomfortable calling other parents, especially if they do not really know them. It's especially true if they don't want to go, but feel like they have to come up with an excuse. With an email, it's easier to just decline.
I've found that most that do not bother to RSVP won't show up. But it's very hard to plan if you can't get a good head count early on. You don't want to wait until the last minute to get your supplies, but sometimes you need to and you end up wasting a ton of money buying too much.
I agree that parents should just step up and give an answer, but many just don't. Yes, it's rude. It's just part of party planning. I've been frustrated many times before. Now, my kids are starting to get a little older and I can lean away from the big/class size parties and just ask a couple of friends to celebrate.
I think expecially in this economy, many parents are not inclined to have their children attend too many birthday parties because it's hard "affording" all those presents. So many parents just toss the invitation aside, so they don't have to think about it. Another thing is that if it's a "drop off" party at your home, many parents including myself would probably not have their child attend because I have to know the parents pretty well before dropping off my child. Many parents dread calling because they feel like they have to make some other excuse.
If you only have a few kids, you can still have one really great playdate party. You can really do it up for your son. A small party is nice because he gets a chance to get to know these kids better. I find it a good way to get an idea of what kind of parents are out there and which ones you might want your child to hang around.
Definitely explain this to the Teacher. She will want to help make your son comfortable in his new class. She can give you a class list or the class mother can. Don't be shy- call the parents or e mail if that is more comfortable. I understand how sad your son would be if this has been presented as "the" opportunity to make new friends and no one shows up.
Also I have to agree about the economy being so bad that parents are limiting party attendance. I have 2 7 year old girls and I know by this age they do not want to go to a boy birthday party and if the whole class has been invited they don't consider that a very special invitation. Sad but true.
Just contact the parents and have a great party.
I wouldn't recommend talking to the parent who did the RSVP. She/he may not appreciate being put on the spot to remind other parents to call about the party. And she/he could even give the impression to the other parents (intentionally or not) that the OP is ticked off at them for not responding....
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc
Agreed. You do not want to give the other parents the impression that you were expecting them to have better manners.
I don't think it would hurt to talk to the other parent--if she is comfortable with it, she may be able to provide some phone numbers, or mention that her child is going to so-and-so's party and see if anyone else is. The OP I think would be smart enough to not say she's annoyed at the lack of RSVP's, only concerned about her son's party. I think any parent could understand that. If the other parent isn't receptive, then she can drop it. Not a big deal.
I think it's rude not to RSVP, too, but I am also finding that it's sadly becoming more the norm. Parents are allowing themselves to be stretched too thin time and energy-wise. I suggest calling the parents of the kids you invited who did not RSVP. Most likely they forgot, or it's on their "to-do" list and they just haven't gotten around to it yet... how did you pass out invites? If it was done at school - the invites might still be in the kids backpacks or desks at school!
Also - if you invited the whole class, you might talk to the teacher and see if you could come do a friendly reminder during class one day. Some teachers are OK with this, some not... it couldn't hurt to ask.
In recent years we've changed how we celebrate birthdays. Instead of big parties, we keep things small. The money saved by shrinking the guest list is spent on more fun and better food for the celebration. The past few years we've taken small groups of kids out to do some really fun things that, had we had a larger group, we would not have been able to afford. (We budget $200 for birthdays. Spreading that amongst 20 kids can be done, but spreading it amongst 5 - 8 kids can be done in a much more fun way!) It's been a really nice change. It feels like more quality time is spent, as well, rather than a huge mass of crazed kids that leaves you with a big bill, huge mess, and headache afterwards.
This happened, believe it or not, with my wedding! I had a huge formal wedding at a swanky hotel and even some of the guests who are professionals and should have known better did not rsvp. One person who knew she was invited by our conversation had not gotten her invite and called me to inform me of that. I called the 25 or so "no responders" and told them that it appeared some invites had gotten lost in the mail and I was following up. Of that group, about 4 truly did not receive invites due to the postal service and they wanted to come, were hurt wondering why everyone else got an invite but them, but everyone else had no excuse whatsoever. Some where excited "of course we're comning! We just forgot to call . . . " while others were rather rude, "no, we can't make it after all" meaning, they probably found something better to do on that day. No apologies, no nothing. They were permanently written off our social list, as they should be. It was an eye opener to me and now I don't give rip whether people think I'm criticizing their manners, I make it VERY CLEAR what my expectations are and I state it as politely as possible on any invites. "We look forward to your presence, but failure to RSVP by ___ will result in no place at the table." It seems to get the message across. People are sadly very rude, crass, and ill mannered, lacking social graces that used to be commonplace. I can get away with reprimanding because I'm well established in my community and people want to attend my events, but in your situation, where you are trying to make friends and no one knows you, of course you cannot take the heavy handed approach of scolding people.
In the situation of a child's birthday party, I think you may have made a couple of mistakes. While there is NO excuse for not responding to the RSVP, I believe many parents these days are leery of strangers and I personally would not allow my child to step foot into a strange home unless I had met the parents and been in their home to check things out. Again, no excuses for not calling and saying "no thank you." But it may be a rationalization on the part of the rude parents "we don't even know these people -- why should we have to respond?" The other thing is a fear of having to bring a present in these hard economic times. And, the other thing is that you might get 12 kids all showing up, none of whom RSVP'd.
If it were me, I would do one of two things:
1) Somehow try to reach the parents. The teacher may not want to be put in the middle and have to call everyone, and sending a note home runs the same risk of getting lost at the bottom of the backpack, not to mention, it starts to sound desperate. The teacher may not be allowed to release a phone list to you. You might have your son ask his playmates to give him their phone numbers, and bring it home, then call and keep it very brief and matter of fact like someone else suggested.
2) Cancel an in-home party and ask the teacher if it would be permissable to pick a day and time when you can send over ice cream to be distributed in class in honor of your son's birthday. My mother did this for me when I was young and it was a big hit. It made me feel special, included the whole class, but there were no hassles and headaches on her end having to prepare a party or clean up after it. Now there are so many rules in school these days, I don't know whether something like that is a violation of some darned civil right or what not. Just a thought.
As to NoExcuses' suggestion to just tell your kid not to worry -- WHAT? I guess he/she doesn't have children and has never even known one. If you did it NoExcuses' way, denying, denying, denying up to the day of the party and then no one showed up except the one child, your kid would never trust you again when you said "don't worry." If there is reason to worry, then, let's worry together and find a solution! I agree with you fully that you should keep your son apprised of the situation and let him help in the decision making process. This is a big learning opportunity for him as well as for you. You can convey that "no matter what happens, it will all work out in the end" while at the same time expressing disappointment that things didn't go the way you hoped they would, but, hey, that's life, and we will survive it. Now let's go to Dairy Queen! I don't think it is right to encourage children to deny their fears and emotions like disappointment. Better to let them in on things to an age appropriate level and help them work through solutions that are satisfactory.
Another thing to consider - the rule of thumb for private parties is that you should invite no more guests than the age of your child. In other words, if your child is going to be seven, then you invite seven guests, period. I know you didn't want to leave anyone out but having 19 kids in your house (assuming they all came) would be a nightmare and that is too many kids for your son to be able to develop any kind of meaningful interaction. Would you have enough help to manage 19 children whom you do not know at all?? In the future, consider inviting a small group and inviting a parent helper or two. In general, children learn early that not everyone gets invited to every party.
Good luck and let us know what happens!
Last edited by chattypatty; 02-01-2010 at 10:53 AM..
My son's birthday is next saturday and he is turning 7. We just moved to this city and so we thought it would be nice to invite his whole class of new friends as to not leave anyone out.
Well thus far I have 1 rsvp for a YES and nothing more out of 19 kids. My son is worried and freaking out and I am too. We still have 6 days before the party but I just don't know what is going to happen. He is absolutely devastated right now and its making this move even harder on him. He already has been missing his old friends and life back in our old town so if no one shows up to his new party I fear this is just going to solidify his hatred of this new place.
Since I am new, I really don't know anyone or have met any new parents to be able to contact them. I was hoping this party could open up oourselves to the community and say hello to everyone so they can get to know us but so far with one only confirmed child coming I am wondering if this was such a good idea. My sons anxiety is playing on my mind too right now. I feel just as stressed and nervous as he does.
I know it's not your "new city" because we are a military family and have moved 4 times in the last 8 years and all the places were the same, like your situation no RSVPS, or hardly any... I don't know why, I always call even if my we can not make it. Let us know how many ended up going!
As to NoExcuses' suggestion to just tell your kid not to worry -- WHAT? I guess he/she doesn't have children and has never even known one. If you did it NoExcuses' way, denying, denying, denying up to the day of the party and then no one showed up except the one child, your kid would never trust you again when you said "don't worry." If there is reason to worry, then, let's worry together and find a solution! I agree with you fully that you should keep your son apprised of the situation and let him help in the decision making process. This is a big learning opportunity for him as well as for you. You can convey that "no matter what happens, it will all work out in the end" while at the same time expressing disappointment that things didn't go the way you hoped they would, but, hey, that's life, and we will survive it. Now let's go to Dairy Queen! I don't think it is right to encourage children to deny their fears and emotions like disappointment. Better to let them in on things to an age appropriate level and help them work through solutions that are satisfactory.
Wow, it's a good think we have an authority here. FYI, I DO have kids and you are WAY off base.
RSVPs are up to the adults, not the kids. If the mother is worried about an ADULT issue, it isn't necessary to involve a child in that worrying. In my house it isn't up to the child to monitor the phone calls. I don't care how old they are.
I'm assuming the 7 year old goes to school every day. Since he wants to be involved, why not have him ask the kids at school who is coming? Why involve him in the adult part of it? There's no denying about it.
I can see it from your view:
Junior comes home from school and mom says, "Oh dear, I haven't received any more RSVPs for your party. I just don't understand why no one is replying."
The phone rings, a conversation ensues between the mother and caller. Junior says, "Was that someone about my party?"
Mom says, "No."
Junior says, "Man, the phone has rung 6 times today and 8 times yesterday and NONE of the calls were RSVPs for my party."
Really now, is that better than just telling Junior that mom will handle the adult part and he can decide what kind of games or favors he wants at the party no matter how many show up?
Definitely explain this to the Teacher. She will want to help make your son comfortable in his new class. She can give you a class list or the class mother can. Don't be shy- call the parents or e mail if that is more comfortable. I understand how sad your son would be if this has been presented as "the" opportunity to make new friends and no one shows up.
Also I have to agree about the economy being so bad that parents are limiting party attendance. I have 2 7 year old girls and I know by this age they do not want to go to a boy birthday party and if the whole class has been invited they don't consider that a very special invitation. Sad but true.
Just contact the parents and have a great party.
I don't think that the OP should explain this to the teacher. What is there to explain? She should simply mention that she needs a class list/contact info for party planning purposes. Hopefully the teacher can provide one. End of story.
I doubt that the OP has built her son up to expect every kid in the class to attend but I'm sure he's excited about his party. What child wouldn't be? And, yes, kids do want to know who can attend (they are well aware that parents decide that, not kids).
If you can't afford a present/don't consider the invitation special/don't want to go to a boy's party/don't want to drop your child off at a strange person's house/don't approve of group parties/are going out of town/ have a better offer, etc., etc. - No need to keep it a mystery, simply RSVP: "Thank you for the invitation but my child won't be able to make it". No further explanation is needed.
Very few kids can attend every party they are invited to.
To Noexcuses- He is 7 yrs old. He knows the function of a phone and he knew the drill from previous parties that you give the invites out, the parents call and say Yes they can come or no they can't . Its nothing I am doing to be causing him stress.
I sent the invites out by card through the school so the children were to take them home in their bags ( fingers crossed)
I do not have any contact information for anyone yet. I simply do not know them to have at that stage so I thought this birthday would be a chance to open the door and say hello and let people get to know us. Perhaps I was wrong, perhaps I should have waited but after speaking with his teacher and her telling me how he has adapted socially ( she says he is doing well) I thought it would be a good idea.
I think I will have to speak to her though, get some help on this matter.
We had the same scenario happen to us...we just moved here four months ago and now a birthday party right after thanksgiving. I did not get but two responses so I asked the teacher if she could give me emails; luckily the school had put out a directory at the same time so I had phone numbers. I called each person invited and we got ten out of fourteen girls come to the party. For the sake of your son, ask the teacher if she can help with emails or phone numbers.
The other thing I wanted to mention is that we do check backpacks every day. Well, the one day I did not turn over the backpack, an invitation was way at the bottom. We were unknowingly invited to a party and I found out about it the sunday following the party. Sometimes one invitation slips by and it wasn't intentional just an accident.
I hope he gets a good turn out.
I agree....sending in invites in the backpacks is a recipe for disaster, half of them won't even find their way to the parents. One thing your son can do is talk it up in class. I find that my kids are telling me about the parties before we even get the invite. Helps to get the word of mouth going. Also, if he's an outgoing sort and comfortable doing so, he can call some of his closer friends and ask them if they're coming. My daughter did that for her 7 yr birthday last fall. She'd call and ask for the child, then ask if they were coming and the child would ask the parent...there you go instant RSVP.
i would absolutely beg your teacher for the emails or phone list...explain the situation and I would think they'd find a way to help out.
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