am I being a bad aunt? or is my sister a bad parent? (day care, baby) - Children, problems, school, daycare, behavior, age, teenagers, infants - City-Data Forum

core2vpro · 02-01-2010, 05:17 PM

i am in my mid-40s, recently laid off, and now going to grad school part-time; most of my days are free and i make my own schedule, although i do have meetings, homework, household duties, etc.

my sister has a 2 year old. she recently decided to go back to work and put my niece in daycare. this was a very hard decision for her and she stresses about it (being away from her child) every day, and i do feel bad for her. this is her only child and her husband also works. both her and her husband have very demanding medical careers.

recently my niece has been getting sick almost every other week (flu, pink eye, stomach virus, strep throat, you name it) and my sister has been asking me to babysit my niece every day that she is sick and take her to the doctor. this was more okay when i was off from school but now that i am back at school i am wondering whether i should be dropping everything every time my niece is sick. which is almost every other week, as i said.

look, i love my niece, but is it really my responsibility to look after her when she is ill? AND take her to the doctor? i have been getting every illness she comes down with because of my contact with her when she is sick, and my husband is getting tired of this. he also does not want me spreading my niece's germs to him, as he has his own demanding job to attend to.

i don't know whether i am being a jerk, or whether my sister is neglecting her parental duties and giving them to me.

flguy1192 · 02-01-2010, 06:21 PM

It is your sister's responsibility to take care of your niece when she is sick and it is your sister's responsibility to take her to the doctor when she needs to go. Not yours. Your sister is the mother of your niece, not you. I understand that you love and care about your niece and it's okay to take her to the doctor every now and then if your sister is unable to take your niece, but as often as you're having to? No, that isn't okay.

veuvegirl · 02-01-2010, 06:27 PM

I think your sister is asking a lot of you! It is nice of you to help out every once in awhile, but you need to let her know that you can't drop everything all the time.

core2vpro · 02-01-2010, 06:42 PM

okay so how do you all define "every now and then" and "once in a while"???

gosh i just feel so guilty about the whole thing. i am the only family that my sister has in the city and i do want her to count on me for emergencies, but not every other week. i guess she thinks that my niece getting sick and not being able to go to day care is an emergency? i have gotten sick like 6 times in the last 3 months because of my niece. and my husband is getting sick too and he has had it.

what do parents normally do when their child gets sick and the daycare won't take them? i guess my sister is relying on me to bail her out every time.

Kibbiekat · 02-01-2010, 06:49 PM

neither. If your sister is ASKING you to take your niece, your answer needs to be "no" more often. I understand your sister's predicament, as I was in the same position when my kids were younger. I remember crying on the phone to my mom asking her to watch the baby - crying because I felt so guilty for even asking. If you are able sometimes to help out, then do it. that's what family does. But you shouldn't feel obligated to do it every single time. Maybe a different type of child care is in order. If your sister could afford a nanny, your niece probably wouldn't get sick so often and the nanny could still care for her when she did.

Kibbiekat · 02-01-2010, 06:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by core2vpro

okay so how do you all define "every now and then" and "once in a while"???

gosh i just feel so guilty about the whole thing. i am the only family that my sister has in the city and i do want her to count on me for emergencies, but not every other week. i guess she thinks that my niece getting sick and not being able to go to day care is an emergency? i have gotten sick like 6 times in the last 3 months because of my niece. and my husband is getting sick too and he has had it.

what do parents normally do when their child gets sick and the daycare won't take them? i guess my sister is relying on me to bail her out every time.

I either relied on my mom or I stayed home from work. If your sister and BIL have the type of jobs where they can't drop everything to stay home, they either need to reevaluate having 2 working parents or reevaluate the type of child care (maybe get a nanny like I suggested above).

Eresh · 02-01-2010, 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by core2vpro

what do parents normally do when their child gets sick and the daycare won't take them? i guess my sister is relying on me to bail her out every time.

I think your sister is asking a lot of you. If her daughter is sick that often, then she might want to consider looking into getting a nanny.
I take off work to be with my daughter when she is sick. On a very, very rare occasion I have something that's difficult to reschedule, in which case her father takes off work (though I absolutely would if he wasn't able). Luckily my daughter doesn't get sick very often. Maybe I would feel differently if she was sick all.the.time.

LouiseY · 02-01-2010, 06:57 PM

No. Not your responsibility. You are a great aunt for even asking the question. Your neice will be happy to have you as she grows up, my prediction.

Kibbiekat · 02-01-2010, 07:02 PM

I do have to say I feel for your sister. My oldest was sick ALL the time when he first went to day care. He ended up having an immune deficiency. In hind sight, I probably would have either quit work or taken a leave of absence, but at the time, I kept thinking, maybe this is the last of it, maybe he'd be better soon. After about 9 months of it I cut my hours at work, got help from a friend (who I paid) and from my mom (didn't pay her), and was able to keep working. Maybe you could suggest the nanny idea, and if your schedule allows it, offer to keep her one or 2 set days/week.

Hopes · 02-01-2010, 07:10 PM

I think it's great that you can help out, but it should only be on occassion. Although your sister does risk losing her job if she misses too much work, there are options. Between you, your sister and her husband, there are three of you. She should rotate who calls off.

That's what my husband and I did. We took turns calling off work. When we both ended up missing too much work even splitting the responsibility, we decided that I needed to quit working to stay home. Afterall, we couldn't risk both of us losing our jobs over a child that was constantly getting sick. Since there are three of you, your sister might be able to hold onto her job with her and her husband rotating times with you.

That means that if your neice is sick every two weeks, you'll only be helping out once every 6 weeks. Chances are she won't get sick that often as the weather gets nicer. Then you'll be helping out once every few months.

You need to have a talk with your sister. Don't wait until the next time her daughter is sick and just say no---like people have suggested. That's not fair to her. She deserves some warning so she can come up with an alternative plan. If she earns enough money to justify a nanny, that's probably her best solution. Another idea is to trade taking care of children of other parents who are stay at home parents----she watches their children for date nights with their husbands and they watch her daughter when she's sick during the day.

Whatever you decide, give her fair warning.