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Old 02-02-2010, 12:52 PM
 
946 posts, read 2,413,679 times
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Hi. I wasn't sure where to post this question. Do you believe the children always owe respect to their parents, no matter what? And I really do mean REGARDLESS of anything. And I'm not talking about young children, but someone in their 20s maybe.

I'm not a bad person, but I really can't find myself admiring or respecting my mom. She's let herself go in so many ways over the years and the older I get, the more sorry I feel for her. I wish I could respect her, but she doesn't deserve it. Sometimes I see her as a child. I know I should feel grateful for what she's done for me over the years and for raising me and giving me everything, and I am very grateful, but to me she's no longer useful. I love her, don't get me wrong. But I can't treat as a superior anymore, especially when she's so childish sometimes.

Am I wrong to feel this way? How could we get along if we're both so different? Should I just swallow my pride and my feelings whenever she makes me angry?
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Old 02-02-2010, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,925,871 times
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Short answer~ I think we do owe honor and respect for the position that person holds, not necessarily that we agree or admire their lifestyle or opinions etc. Does that make sense? We can treat someone with respect even when we are in disagreement with them.

For example, I think we honor the position of the president of the United States regardless of whether we are of like mind politically with him. Very few people if invited to the White House would show disrespect to the president and his wife no matter how much they disagreed with his policies. I think the same applies in the relationship with our parents. We respect the position they hold.

As to your last question about whether you should just hold your feelings in if she makes you angry. I am of the opinion that you can disagree with someone in a respectful way and I think this applies here. However, I will say this, I know from personal experience, I choose to pick my battles. Some things just aren't worth getting into.
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Old 02-02-2010, 01:01 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,622 posts, read 42,779,610 times
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She raised you when you weren't "useful", at great inconvenience to herself. You may not respect her behavior, and it may be rightfully so, but you still must treat her with respect, because to NOT do so would reflect badly on you.
There is nothing wrong with refusing to buy in to her stuff, though. You don't give an example, but it is not uncommon for children to become the grown up, and parents become the children. I fact, if parents live long enough this almost always happens.
My parents died young, and my husband's did too, and even though I know this must be annoying sometimes, we both wish we still had them around to annoy us.
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Old 02-02-2010, 01:11 PM
 
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You know, whenever we do get into an argument over anything, I'll always talk in a calm voice, voice my opinion and let her know why I disagree. Now, she's a different story. Not only will she ignore what I have said, she yells, interrupts me, and will laugh and insult me. I'm a person with a very strong character, I will not stay quiet when someone insults me, so this will always make us escalade into larger arguments where we both end up yelling at each other. It angers me to no end when she doesn't listen to what I'm saying, and how she says things that make absolutely no sense yet she still manages to win because she'll yell even louder and turn the whole argument around to make me feel like I'm the bad person. I agree that by talking back I'm being disrespectful, but I can't stand when someone insults me or when someone's not listening to what I have to say. I'm not going to stay quiet when I'm insulted. And she'll never listen. I will argue one thing and it's as if it came in one ear and out the other.

I don't know how I can make this work. I try to have more patience with her, but I've about lost it.
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Old 02-02-2010, 01:17 PM
 
Location: Texas
8,668 posts, read 19,925,871 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilamx View Post
You know, whenever we do get into an argument over anything, I'll always talk in a calm voice, voice my opinion and let her know why I disagree. Now, she's a different story. Not only will she ignore what I have said, she yells, interrupts me, and will laugh and insult me. I'm a person with a very strong character, I will not stay quiet when someone insults me, so this will always make us escalade into larger arguments where we both end up yelling at each other. It angers me to no end when she doesn't listen to what I'm saying, and how she says things that make absolutely no sense yet she still manages to win because she'll yell even louder and turn the whole argument around to make me feel like I'm the bad person. I agree that by talking back I'm being disrespectful, but I can't stand when someone insults me or when someone's not listening to what I have to say. I'm not going to stay quiet when I'm insulted. And she'll never listen. I will argue one thing and it's as if it came in one ear and out the other.

I don't know how I can make this work. I try to have more patience with her, but I've about lost it.
Well, again I say to pick your battles. I know it's difficult but sounds like to me that there are times when you are going to have to just walk away from the fray, so to speak, because you know where it ends. If she wants to be insulting or belittling, I would just suggest exiting the situation as quickly as possible. ( I KNOW this isn't easy. I have some of the same issues with my own very elderly mother, and I know I don't always handle my feelings as well as I should.)
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Old 02-02-2010, 01:29 PM
 
1,963 posts, read 4,253,496 times
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You may have to distance yourself. People who are like this get worse as they get older. I doubt if your relationship will ever be different. I`m sorry.
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Old 02-02-2010, 05:15 PM
 
3,269 posts, read 8,727,680 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilamx View Post
Hi. I wasn't sure where to post this question. Do you believe the children always owe respect to their parents, no matter what? And I really do mean REGARDLESS of anything. And I'm not talking about young children, but someone in their 20s maybe.

I'm not a bad person, but I really can't find myself admiring or respecting my mom. She's let herself go in so many ways over the years and the older I get, the more sorry I feel for her. I wish I could respect her, but she doesn't deserve it. Sometimes I see her as a child. I know I should feel grateful for what she's done for me over the years and for raising me and giving me everything, and I am very grateful, but to me she's no longer useful. I love her, don't get me wrong. But I can't treat as a superior anymore, especially when she's so childish sometimes.

Am I wrong to feel this way? How could we get along if we're both so different? Should I just swallow my pride and my feelings whenever she makes me angry?
I never really had much respect for my Mom either...until I had kids of my own. Now I have more respect for her than almost anyone else.
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Old 02-02-2010, 05:44 PM
 
1,425 posts, read 3,525,284 times
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well, respect is something that, as an adult, you have to exude if you want to be taken seriously in the real world. Respect yourself by not stooping to her level of screaming. I have a phrase that works wonders for me when dealing with people I do not respect. It is " I'm sorry you feel that way", then I turn and walk away. People have a right to their own opinions. I have been insulted by the best, but I know who I am, I do not need confirmation from the outside. Plus, the people I have little/no respect for... their opinions mean very little. I have no respect for the choices my father has made, but he is and always will be my father, I respect him for that. I do not argue, fuss or fight with him. I accept him for who he is.
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Old 02-02-2010, 09:29 PM
 
Location: Australia
1,492 posts, read 2,656,886 times
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I think that you should treat your parents respectfully even if you don't actually respect them. Respect has to be earned. By treating your parents respectfully, I mean be polite and nice toward them. You cant control their actions but you can control what you do and say.
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Old 02-03-2010, 03:51 AM
 
550 posts, read 1,071,653 times
Reputation: 336
Respect is not owed, it is earned!
My mother have not earned any so she will have none whatsoever from me.

My father earned it, he got it.
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