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Thread summary:

Parents seeking advice on raising 16 year old son, good kid, unmotivated to do chores, how to raise a teenager, parenting strategies

 
 
Old 07-28-2006, 05:20 AM
 
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
1,950 posts, read 4,661,205 times
Reputation: 2247

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Quote:
Originally Posted by enviroman
Being in my early 20s, I can relate to what your son is thinking/feeling. You have to realize that he is actually becoming an adult. It's when children begin to treat their parents as equals (and not superiors) that you see this sort of behavior. You can try all you want to fight against this "phase" but you'll probably be worse for wear in the end. Trying to retard a kid from growing up by reasserting your own superiority during their own time of transition from teenager to adult (read: ages 13-20 or so) will only result in rebellion and resentment. At least that's what the psychologists say.
I do realize that he is becoming an adult. As I explained to him, I would not allow a stranger on the street to treat me the way he has been behaving, if it was his father treating me this way, I would throw him out. I am just asking for a little respect. Iam trying to help him grow up, and let him know that his behavior isn't acceptable. I would not want him treating his potential wife or any woman that way. We are very liberal with him and expose him to alot of different things. He is a fortunate child compared to the friends he has.Not so much in a financial way, but for what we are willing to accept and do for him and his friends. Maybe we allow and do a bit too much for him and his friends. That could also retard him from growing up, couldn't it????
All I hear from everybody else is how respectful he his to parents and other adults. Which I am extremely thankful for, all I am asking for is a little thrown my way. As I told him last night, I am the one that has been and always will be behind him in whatever he does, I am the one who takes care of everything he needs . I will always be there for him.
I never treated my parents as equals, nor have I ever seen my husband treat his parents as equals. I can understand what you are saying. But no matter what age, parents and children are not equals. He is 16 , but far from an adult. I can totally understand the sleeping till 3 p.m. during the summer, but shouldn't he still be a functioning part of the family ? Or should we just sit back and let him run ? Very interested in your response.
Isn't it funny, that the ones we hurt the most are the ones we love.

Last edited by theqbaby; 07-28-2006 at 05:30 AM..
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Old 07-28-2006, 11:51 AM
 
158 posts, read 742,441 times
Reputation: 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by theqbaby
I do realize that he is becoming an adult. As I explained to him, I would not allow a stranger on the street to treat me the way he has been behaving, if it was his father treating me this way, I would throw him out. I am just asking for a little respect. Iam trying to help him grow up, and let him know that his behavior isn't acceptable. I would not want him treating his potential wife or any woman that way. We are very liberal with him and expose him to alot of different things. He is a fortunate child compared to the friends he has.Not so much in a financial way, but for what we are willing to accept and do for him and his friends. Maybe we allow and do a bit too much for him and his friends. That could also retard him from growing up, couldn't it????
All I hear from everybody else is how respectful he his to parents and other adults. Which I am extremely thankful for, all I am asking for is a little thrown my way. As I told him last night, I am the one that has been and always will be behind him in whatever he does, I am the one who takes care of everything he needs . I will always be there for him.
I never treated my parents as equals, nor have I ever seen my husband treat his parents as equals. I can understand what you are saying. But no matter what age, parents and children are not equals. He is 16 , but far from an adult. I can totally understand the sleeping till 3 p.m. during the summer, but shouldn't he still be a functioning part of the family ? Or should we just sit back and let him run ? Very interested in your response.
Isn't it funny, that the ones we hurt the most are the ones we love.
I disagree with that statement 100%. The moment a child begins to take life into their own hands and not be reliant on their parents is when the child/parent relationship evolves beyond the authoritarian/subordinate relationship.

Do you still allow your parents to dictate your life? Do you go to them when you need financial help? Do you request counsel from them on decisions about your own children? Respecting your parents is one thing, but considering them to be some sort of "superior" adult is somethign else. I consider myself to be every bit of an equal to my parents...
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Old 07-28-2006, 12:13 PM
 
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
1,950 posts, read 4,661,205 times
Reputation: 2247
Quote:
Originally Posted by enviroman
I disagree with that statement 100%. The moment a child begins to take life into their own hands and not be reliant on their parents is when the child/parent relationship evolves beyond the authoritarian/subordinate relationship.

Do you still allow your parents to dictate your life? Do you go to them when you need financial help? Do you request counsel from them on decisions about your own children? Respecting your parents is one thing, but considering them to be some sort of "superior" adult is somethign else. I consider myself to be every bit of an equal to my parents...

Do you disrepect your parents even if you don't like what they have to say?
I wouldn't disrespect my husband parents either. Actully I don't disrespect anyone unless I'm disrespected first.
Age brings wisdom. Experiences bring wisdom.
They don't dictate my life, but I do listen to thier opinion. And many times I have found thier advice to be extremely helpful. Every one looks at things differently, and sometime you need that different view, whether you go with it or not.

Key words :not be reliant on thier parents.
I am not dictating his life in any manner. But when I see him making wrong decisions, I feel its my place to let him know that. It's called parenting. Would you let a child put a fork in the electrical outlet ????? Once your a parent, you are a parent forever. I bet there are other parents out there, that thier kids are grown, but they still worry about them.
And absolutely, I go to my parents for advice with situations.With my child and other things.They have "been there, done that". Always nice to have a different perspective to think about.They have been around longer and most of the times a bit wiser. I'm not saying "superior" just a respect issue. No, I don't ask for finacial help, but I have helped them when they needed it.
I'm sorry you disagree with my post, maybe i wrote something the wrong way...or maybe you have a different perspective.
And you are allowed to have your own opinions.
Thank You
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Old 07-28-2006, 12:21 PM
 
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
1,950 posts, read 4,661,205 times
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mrshvo, evey, ready2move,
Any opinions on the last coouple of posts ?
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Old 07-28-2006, 12:48 PM
 
158 posts, read 742,441 times
Reputation: 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by theqbaby
Do you disrepect your parents even if you don't like what they have to say?
I wouldn't disrespect my husband parents either. Actully I don't disrespect anyone unless I'm disrespected first.
Age brings wisdom. Experiences bring wisdom.
They don't dictate my life, but I do listen to thier opinion. And many times I have found thier advice to be extremely helpful. Every one looks at things differently, and sometime you need that different view, whether you go with it or not.

Key words :not be reliant on thier parents.
I am not dictating his life in any manner. But when I see him making wrong decisions, I feel its my place to let him know that. It's called parenting. Would you let a child put a fork in the electrical outlet ????? Once your a parent, you are a parent forever. I bet there are other parents out there, that thier kids are grown, but they still worry about them.
And absolutely, I go to my parents for advice with situations.With my child and other things.They have "been there, done that". Always nice to have a different perspective to think about.They have been around longer and most of the times a bit wiser. I'm not saying "superior" just a respect issue. No, I don't ask for finacial help, but I have helped them when they needed it.
I'm sorry you disagree with my post, maybe i wrote something the wrong way...or maybe you have a different perspective.
And you are allowed to have your own opinions.
Thank You
Well, yeah, my last post didn't have anything to do with your son really. I mean, clearly he's not an adult yet. He still needs parenting.

I was just disagreeing with the statement that parents and children can never be equals. I didn't mean to imply that you and your son are equals...not at all. But I think you can still take advice from your parents bu tconsider them your equals, no? I take advice from my friends all of the time...I don't consider myself lesser than they are.
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Old 07-28-2006, 01:06 PM
 
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
1,950 posts, read 4,661,205 times
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I guess it all goes back to upbringing. Not saying your was wrong, just different.
I was always taught to respect elders. Reguardless of relation or not. Respect is a 2 way street.
I wouldn't say that I'm lesser than my parents, just that they have experienced more than I, and have learned lessons from thier experiences. But I will always look up to them.
1 exception, my mother-in-law, in my eyes, she saintly. Always there for all here children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. She has been thru more s*** raising here children. Now she is raising her great grandchild. NEVER once had I heard her complain. Yes, she voices her opinion, but I know she will always be there for us as long as we are blessed to have her here on earth.
Some of the VALUABLE information I have gotten were from much older FRIENDS.
I don't claim to know everything, and I am very eager to learn. I love to hear of others experiences. Their successes, failure,and how they have pulled out of situations. I am drawn to people, just for simple conversation and I always walk away learning something... positive or not.
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Old 07-28-2006, 01:52 PM
 
Location: FL to GA back to FL
894 posts, read 3,892,898 times
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I agree with theqbaby. I never feared my father I respected him. He was the parent, I was the child. I looked up to him. Many people that are in their 20's now come from an instant gratification era....Ipods, computers, cell phone, always having to have it now...... Parents's that maybe gave in to things because they were a little bit busier trying to make a better life for their children, giving them too many choices. Sorry, "because I said so", worked for me, whether I agreed or not. There are rules whether you are 5, 10, 20, or 50. My child is 18 and I say child, because he will always be that. I do not dictate his life, but I will always try to guide him in the correct way. We are equal as in we are human beings, trying to make the most of our lives, but in terms of parent/child, he will never be my equal, nor will my boss be my equal.
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Old 07-28-2006, 02:00 PM
 
158 posts, read 742,441 times
Reputation: 60
Quote:
Originally Posted by ready2move
I agree with theqbaby. I never feared my father I respected him. He was the parent, I was the child. I looked up to him. Many people that are in their 20's now come from an instant gratification era....Ipods, computers, cell phone, always having to have it now...... Parents's that maybe gave in to things because they were a little bit busier trying to make a better life for their children, giving them too many choices. Sorry, "because I said so", worked for me, whether I agreed or not. There are rules whether you are 5, 10, 20, or 50. My child is 18 and I say child, because he will always be that. I do not dictate his life, but I will always try to guide him in the correct way. We are equal as in we are human beings, trying to make the most of our lives, but in terms of parent/child, he will never be my equal, nor will my boss be my equal.
I guess that's what I would consider to be an archaic sense of thinking. To me, and to many progressive people, "because I said so" isn't sufficient. If it was, I would never question my boss, soemthing I do on a regular basis. If it was, things like the IPod or the computer wouldn't exist. I'm not trying to demean you or anything, I'm just trying to express my opinion.

You never question your boss' motives? You never say "hey, I'm not sure that's right?" or "boss, I think there's a better way to do this."
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Old 07-28-2006, 02:00 PM
 
Location: FL
1,943 posts, read 7,630,312 times
Reputation: 2236
I disagree, and not disagree.
Right now, at the age I am now (33), I consider myself to be an equal to my parents. I have grown up, put MYSELF through college, acquired my careers, am raising 2 honor roll children, and have made all the right decisions. I am a grown up, and a responsible one at that. I have gained insight and knowledge and have a good head on my shoulders, so yes, I consider myself to be an equal to my parents, and would hope they consider me an equal.

With that being said. I do not consider my children my equals. They are children. Anything they do I am responsible for until they are adults, and most children remain children until they're in their 30's!! (just because a person is of an adult age doesn't make them behave like an adult). Children need the time to learn how to make the right decisions, and it is the parent's job to help guide them. How can they be an equal when they are not knowledgeable? When they are still dependent? When I still need to raise them, school them, help them to see that even though I am being a b*tch right now in their eyes when they become my equal they will understand why I was so and thank me and then be that way to their children, when I clothe them, feed them, love them enough to punish them for the mistakes they are making because they don't understand that they can't do what they want to do because they are too young to understand the consequences...they are not my equal. Hopefully I will raise them well enough to be my equal. They will be my equal, and maybe I will sometimes need to go to them for advice and I will look up to them. But as of right now, they are my children, I do control them to a certain extent, and I look forward to the day when they will be my equal. But not until they grow up. AS they are growing up is not that stage yet.
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Old 07-28-2006, 02:12 PM
 
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
1,950 posts, read 4,661,205 times
Reputation: 2247
Thank You !
And no offence intended(enviroman), but I agree about the differences in generations. I'm holding on tight to the old southern values ! All you have to do is read the newspaper and you can see the results of the different generations ways.
Well I am off for a roadtrip. Yes, all 3 of us headed for Georgia for the weekend. We all promised that if we had to, we would at least act like the perfect family for the weekend. LOL. It will be very interesting to say the least.
Thank you all, and hope to chat when I return on Monday !
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