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Thread summary:

Parenting questions, hysterical phone calls from ex wife, cause of divorce, how to rebuild relationships with grown children, emotional time bombs, pre-marital counseling, marriage counseling

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Old 05-30-2007, 11:47 AM
 
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 7,833,178 times
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Babyluv- I think the counseling is a great idea- and if your husband wont' go, at least you're working to make things right in your home. I'll bet he ends up going with you eventually.

She does sound like a brat who needs a reality check- and your husband needs to draw the line at what he will tolerate. If she can't be civil to you- and is posting on the internet like that, he needs to put his foot down. They can have a relationship exclusive of you- but he needs to make you the priority in his life- including holidays. Since you aren't forcing the issue, she needs to take the back seat.

You haven't mentioned how her mother is now- since she has moved on, would it be worth your or your husband's effort to talk to her to see if she can diffuse the situation? And how about the older sibling- is there any hope for him/her to talk to their sister?
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Old 05-30-2007, 11:57 AM
 
2,775 posts, read 2,577,430 times
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I'm totally confused - you've been with him for 6 years and engaged for 2... but your step-daughter is just now freaking out now that you just got married? Is she slow or something?

Immature doesn't describe it... if she's not slow then there is something you're not sharing with all of us. For all intents and purposes you and your boyfriend have been together for most of your step-daughter's adolescence.

By now she should be used to you being around and her mother living her own life without dad. This is why I am suspicious. Is there money involved in this ordeal (does your new husband have a lot of wealth - aka potential inheritance - that he brought to the table which now needs to be shared with another 2 people - you and your son?). Have you each really had a good relationship for the past 6 years?

I'm all for counciling, but if you're the only one receiving it then it might be ineffective. You all need to talk about the underlying issues that are really at hand. Your daughter "has something on her mind" - you need to know barring actual behavior change post-marriage, what "changes" enacted by marriage causes her so much stress/fear to think about. If it's fear of losing inheritance, then that needs to be addressed by you and your husband... if it's fear of losing attention, then that needs to be addressed, whatever it is, you both need to work to make her feel better.

19 years old is not terribly young, so the whole "immature mind" label shouldn't even be brought up by you again (it'll just incite anger which in her shoes I'm certain you could understand)... she indeed has lived less life than you and might not understand your point of view or motivations for things, but really that has got to be more of a situational misunderstanding than an age issue. Work towards understanding through communication.
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Old 05-30-2007, 12:08 PM
 
Location: Between Here and There
3,684 posts, read 10,839,295 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skoe View Post
Your welcome! This forum is wonderful. I came on here looking for advice on a town in California and have been hooked ever since!

Good for you making the appointment. If your husband still says no to going try shedding a few tears, that usually melts them!
That is exactly how I came to find it as well, I was researching Maine for a possible move, then saw the Pets forum, moved over to parenting and now am spending way too much time in religion...LOL

But I couldn't agree more, making the appointment is the first step and I think asking your husband to just go to one is a great idea. He may not go the first time but if you start to come home with some clear thoughts and good advice he may see how it could be helpful and go eventually. Men really do seem to have something against therapy. Maybe it's their inner need to be the fixers, asking for help would be deemed a weakness? This is the only explanation I can come up with for this and the way they won't stop for directions when they are lost...LOL

I hope it all works out for you and your whole family.
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Old 05-30-2007, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Vermont
22 posts, read 76,337 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mbuszu View Post
I'm totally confused - you've been with him for 6 years and engaged for 2... but your step-daughter is just now freaking out now that you just got married? Is she slow or something?

Immature doesn't describe it... if she's not slow then there is something you're not sharing with all of us. For all intents and purposes you and your boyfriend have been together for most of your step-daughter's adolescence.

By now she should be used to you being around and her mother living her own life without dad. This is why I am suspicious. Is there money involved in this ordeal (does your new husband have a lot of wealth - aka potential inheritance - that he brought to the table which now needs to be shared with another 2 people - you and your son?). Have you each really had a good relationship for the past 6 years?

I'm all for counciling, but if you're the only one receiving it then it might be ineffective. You all need to talk about the underlying issues that are really at hand. Your daughter "has something on her mind" - you need to know barring actual behavior change post-marriage, what "changes" enacted by marriage causes her so much stress/fear to think about. If it's fear of losing inheritance, then that needs to be addressed by you and your husband... if it's fear of losing attention, then that needs to be addressed, whatever it is, you both need to work to make her feel better.

19 years old is not terribly young, so the whole "immature mind" label shouldn't even be brought up by you again (it'll just incite anger which in her shoes I'm certain you could understand)... she indeed has lived less life than you and might not understand your point of view or motivations for things, but really that has got to be more of a situational misunderstanding than an age issue. Work towards understanding through communication.
I can completely understand your suspicion, it really has in most respects come out of left field and I say most respects because maybe I haven't emphasized enough the jeaolousy she feels towards my son, (by the way, we are both broke, no money to fight over), let me share an email that I sent her yesterday in which I tried to address some of her excuses that she has been using for her behavior and her response...((note when I refer to my son losing his family, his father, grandmother & grandfather have died in the last eight months & I have changed the names from the name to my son, your brother, just because)

I wrote...

Since you are unable to speak to me for whatever reason, I wanted to say my peace to you. This situation has gotten completely out of hand & ridiculous beyond all belief.

I am sorry that you are unable to be happy for your dad and I. I honestly wish you could be.

But the date of when we got married had absolutely nothing to do with you or your birthday, the fact that you keep bringing that up is silly and selfish and a poor excuse for your behavior.

Your father and I did get married, but all that changed was the legal aspect and nothing else and I donít see why you need to throw a temper tantrum anytime some one mentions the wedding or wants to see pictures or wants include it into a barbeque.

You being jealous over my son is probably the lowest excuse I have heard out of the myriad of excuses you have used and I am absolutely disgusted. my son has lost almost his entire family in the last year and instead of being there for him (I am so grateful that your brother was so nice to be there for him), which by the way Matt absolutely adores you, you have pulled into this selfish mode and can only think about how this is going to effect you and your standing with your father. Well let me put your mind to rest, your dad shows Matt no more affection then he shows to you and your brother. If you want more attention from your dad, start making time with him and spending time with him, start being part of his family again. Your father loves and adores you. This is certainly the most selfish and shameful excuse you could have thrown out there.

Your father & I love you, but you need to understand and get this clear that your fits need to stop, no one agrees with your behavior and whatever it is that you are trying to accomplish is not working for you, but against you. It is making you look like a spoiled brat and that is not coming from my mouth but the mouths of your own family. You are beautiful and smart girl, this behavior is beneath you. I am not asking for you to like me again or be my friend, I am asking you to start acting like the adult that you keep telling people you are.


Her response....

You have no right to speak for my family. At all. Please do not write to me
anymore. I love my father very much and this is all painful for me as well
as him. If he can't except my feelings or except me for who i am than why
does he want me in his life at all. When I do spend time with my father he
insist that I should apologize to you. I have no reason to apologize about
my feelings. I feel that your putting pressure on my father to tell me I
should. Im sorry for what has happened to your son. As far as that goes my dad
did walk out on me and did move in with you and your son. You guys forget
that part alot. True my father didn't die. But he choose to live with you
and your son and that hurt me alot. After the fact he told me he was going to
have his own apartment. Not even a week later he moved in with
you. I have been trying for all these years to keep my feelings under
control but you guys getting married the same month as are birthdays made
the hurt come back again. It seems like if thereís anything special between
me and my dad and my brother you try to erase it.

(((Now the times that she is talking about when it comes to moving into and out of apartments is off, and she is forgetting that during this time of seperation that her dad was fired from his job and lost the apartment and would have been homeless if I had not let him move in. Since that time I have encouraged my husband to spend more "quality time" with his children, because I thought it would encourage time that "all" of us could spend together if they felt that they were getting their share of him.)) You tell me, because I am pretty lost on this.
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Old 05-30-2007, 01:44 PM
 
Location: Vermont
22 posts, read 76,337 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by pirate girl View Post
Babyluv- I think the counseling is a great idea- and if your husband wont' go, at least you're working to make things right in your home. I'll bet he ends up going with you eventually.

She does sound like a brat who needs a reality check- and your husband needs to draw the line at what he will tolerate. If she can't be civil to you- and is posting on the internet like that, he needs to put his foot down. They can have a relationship exclusive of you- but he needs to make you the priority in his life- including holidays. Since you aren't forcing the issue, she needs to take the back seat.

You haven't mentioned how her mother is now- since she has moved on, would it be worth your or your husband's effort to talk to her to see if she can diffuse the situation? And how about the older sibling- is there any hope for him/her to talk to their sister?

Her brother has spoken with her about this and has just thrown up his hands. Her mother, used to call us in the very begining of our relationship and leave nasty voice mail right along side of her daughter, it was like a tag-team. Not too much has changed though we have spoken with her and she has said that she has spoken to her daughter and nothing will get through to her.
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Old 05-30-2007, 02:17 PM
 
7,788 posts, read 10,443,690 times
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Babyluv:

Not only would I keep that appointment with the therapist, but I would ask him/her whether or not they specialize in family therapy. If so, they should have experience working with blended family issues.

As a therapist, in reading your post, the following really jumped out at me: "The problem with that is that everytime she gets angry and makes her phone calls to him (your husband) he turns it around and starts to argue with me." -- My immediate thought was that she had accomplished her mission on some level, albiet, unconsciously. Without knowing too much about your step-daughter, it makes me wonder whether or not her anger/rage plays a "purpose" in setting a more divisive stage between you and your husband...? I think it is essential that you and your husband be on the same page in handling her anger/outrage. It may not be as simple as her being a "spoiled brat" -- something is going on with her...As well, when you wrote: "Her mother used to call us...and leave nasty voice mail...it was like a tag-team." She is (on some level, I suspect) modelling her mother's behavior. She may even feel that she is entitled to do so, as that is the role model that she has had thus far. Nineteen is not REAL YOUNG, but she is still "young." Sounds like she is doing her best to project her anger onto the relationship between you and your husband, and you need to not give into her projection.

Not sure I've really added anything or helped here, but just my thoughts...Keep the appointment with the counsellor, and definately urge your husband to go with you!!! --And hang in there; I do believe that with time and help that there are resolutions that are possible, and that it won't be this difficult forever...

Take gentle care!
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Old 05-30-2007, 02:46 PM
 
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 7,833,178 times
Reputation: 2214
I find it rather interesting that this young lady thinks that her birthday comprises an entire month---- how ridiculous is that?

Seems to me she is grasping for reasons to be angry and like june said, she's projecting. I truly hope your husband is willing to attend counseling sessions with you.

Your e mail was perfect- you expressed your dismay at her current attitude and actions- but you reinforced that you love her and would welcome her back into your life. There's not much else you can do. Your husband now needs to understand that he has to take a stand of unity with you.
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Old 05-30-2007, 08:41 PM
 
Location: Anywhere but here!
2,800 posts, read 9,099,117 times
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I really cannot give you a lot of advice here, but I would however like to say that I admire YOU for TRYING to make things right. I think it says a lot about YOU and the type fo person you are. If you didn't care for her (or your husband) I don't think you would be willing to go through so much agony over the situation, much less come on here looking for advice! Kudos to you for trying to mend things between your step daughter and you as well as trying to keep things going between you and your husband. I think a lot of women would have already thrown in the white flag Good for you...Keep on keepin on!

As for the girl...first off let me tell you I have 4 kids, the oldest being my only girl and she is 17. She and her dad have really never had the typical "daddy's little girl" relationship. They are both power hungry and control freaks So yeah, our life hasn't always been peaches and cream.
But just a little advice, just from what I see with my own daughter...I think you really need to just ignore her for a while. I think your husband needs to tell her straight up how much he really loves her, let her know he'll always be there for her and that she will always be daddy's little girl. I think YOU need to ignore her and let HER make the first move. The more you press, the further aways you will push her. You need to give her space and just don't even give her the time of day. She WILL come around eventually. However, although I understand where everyone is coming from as far as your husband laying down the rules, I think you need to give your husband the opportunities to take her out to dinner occasionally or whatever it is they like to do together. I think HE needs to quit trying to make her appologize to you (although she does need to SOMEDAY). This is just pushing her further and further away. What he really needs to do is just take her out for dad and daughter time and not even so much as bring up your name. I know this probably sounds hard for you, and I easily agree...it WILL be hard for you. But I honestly think that if you can just keep your cool and let them rekindle their own father/daughter relationship without you being their obstacle, she will come around very soon. The biggest thing for both of you to remember is...
Put the ball in HER COURT! DON'T BE HELPFUL...BE BLAMELESS! This lesson has been hard for me to learn, but it does work! If you just ignore her and quit giving her the attention...she will come around. But you do have to understand that this whole transition has been hard on her...
Good luck! Your family will be in my prayers
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Old 05-31-2007, 06:17 AM
 
Location: Vermont
22 posts, read 76,337 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kawgpz550 View Post
I think you need to give your husband the opportunities to take her out to dinner occasionally or whatever it is they like to do together.

I started encouraging my husband to take her out and he has been, every other weekend or so, just the 2 of them for lunch. I do agree though, he should drop the pressure for apology.
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Old 05-31-2007, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Vermont
22 posts, read 76,337 times
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So yesterday I got in touch with a local councelor and made an appt, he does infact have experience with blended families, etc and seemed very nice. I am looking forward to our meeting. I went home last night and told my husband that I made this appt and asked him to give it a chance, to attend one appt with me and if he didn't like it or didn't feel that he was getting anything out of it that I would not pressure him to continue. He absolutely refused and told me that the problem was all mine. I was so hurt by this! I took a deep breath and calmly tried to tell him how I was feeling and that this was to help all of us cope and communicate better and ultimately help his daughter transition. In the midst of my talking he rolled his eyes and walked away from me. I am so devestated by this, I feel like he is shutting me down and out.

This morning, I tried again, without mention or pressure of the upcoming appt. I put my hand on his shoulder and gently told him, "I love you so very much, we have been together for over 6 years through good times and bad and during that time I have been there for you, supported, loved and respected you and all I ask is the same in return. I am hurt that last night when I was trying to express my feelings to you, you rolled your eyes at me and walked away. There was no respect in that and it was incrediably hurtful."
He didn't say a word and he wouldn't look at me. I gave him a kiss, told him I loved him again and left for work.

I feel like things are crumbling and I don't know what to do. I am grateful for the upcoming appt which I will attend with or with out him and I am grateful I have had this forum to turn to as well. I am struggling right now to keep myself pulled together for myself and for my son.
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