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Old 02-16-2010, 07:10 PM
 
25,080 posts, read 16,301,412 times
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I am so upset. I have a teenager who is simply doing the wrong things. I was talking to him about the direction of his life. We had a huge argument. He was very disrespectful. And I ended up telling this kid to get the hell out of my house, leave my cell phone and my vehicle. And he did. The funny thing is I am not sure if I am more upset because he left in anger or because I know he will need to come back. He has no where to go. U would think as a mother I would be afraid or burst out in tears or go to pieces or something. But, I feel nothing... except sadness. I love this kid, but I am not going to let him ruin my life not even for a minute. I guess after he calms down we will work it out. However, I don't think I will ever get over how he talked to me with such disdain. Was I wrong? Am I pushing him away? What should I do now?
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:08 PM
 
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NO YOU'RE NOT WRONG! YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?????

Now, when the little wuss comes home crying to his mommy (you), you continue to flash those balls of steel (yours) in his face. He has to shape up or ship out. AFTER he apologizes and kisses your azz. First time he gets out of line, out his azz goes again. For the last time.
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Old 02-16-2010, 08:59 PM
 
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How old is he?

Sometimes, MOST times a good hard slap of reality doesn't hurt as much as allowing that kind of disrespect and ill behavior until a teen is grown. Unless of course, you want a 30 year old son living in your basement dictating to you when he needs clean underwear and more beer in the fridge.

You're doing a good thing by giving him a chance to mature and gain some independence. He also will gain respect for you after he cools down.
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Old 02-16-2010, 09:37 PM
 
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I think the teen years prepares parents for letting go. I know I wouldn't mind mine living with me forever if they were constantly delightful. These nasty phases help me hope for the day they leave the nest. It's a bitter sweet thing for parents.

Right now, you mostly filled with anger so you're just going through the bitter part. You're allowed to be angry. That doesn't make you a terrible person. And I know you're not a terrible person is because you have admitted that you will let him come back. You're worried if you did the right or wrong thing. Just stand your ground when he returns and make it very clear that he only stays if he treats you with respect.

Respect. I'm struggling with that myself right now. Mine broke my heart last night. It wasn't aweful---in that we're not dealing with any huge rebellious periods or anything. It's just that I put my heart and soul into this kid and his moodiness catches me off guard. My husband and I were watching TV and he came down to get a drink. I said something pleasant to him as he was passing by and he responded with two sentences that were so cutting.

This came out of nowhere. I just sat there. Shocked. My husband, who is not a person who is in touch with emotions or feelings, reached over and patted me on the arm. Now that's an indication that it wasn't just me being sensitive. My child was selfishly taking whatever mood he was in out on me for no damn good reason whatsoever.

I didn't say a word. I swore to myself that I would never speak to him again.

My husband and I talked. I shared that these moments make me wish for the day he could be independent. That I wouldn't mind him needing to be here forever if he could simply be happy. My husband says that he will continue treating me like that as long as I allow him to do so. That I need to cut him off (not literally but him off, but stop being a doormat).

Our situation is different because he will be dependent on us longer than most children due to his illness. He's making amazing progress. I can't do anything that might intefere with that progress. It's such a fine line. If I let my emotions get the better of me and kick him out of the house, it could be utterly disasterous.

Regardless, I have a right to expect respect even from someone who is struggling. He appologized. Hubby had a talk with him. I had a talk with him. But deep down inside, I imagine my life with this being over---a life where my husband and I can enjoy our marriage as empty-nesters.

I'm a city-data member who often champions for the underdog teenager on here. I'm sharing how I feel so you know that we ALL feel that way sometimes with teens.

What should you do? Don't chase him. When he comes back, treat him with the same respect you would like by talking to him calmly. Make your expecations known and clearly define the consequences. That's what you should use your time doing right now----planning exactly what rules and consequences you will outline for him when he returns. But address it matter of factly. He'll be listening. Most importantly, follow through whenever he lapses with the consquences you pre-defined.

Last edited by Hopes; 02-16-2010 at 09:46 PM..
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:22 PM
 
25,080 posts, read 16,301,412 times
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I want to thank u all for taking the time to encourage me. I wish I could say I am hopeful everything will be alright. I think we crossed a line... Something happened and we don't get a do over. The fight could have escalated into a physical altercation. How can I live with that. He is 18 and back, but not repentant. And I have to stand my ground. But it's hard. Now I see why people run off and leave their children. Don't get me wrong I don't think that is okay, but....
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Old 02-16-2010, 10:33 PM
 
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We all have those feelings sometimes.

Sleep on it. Address this in a calm manner after you have had careful thought as to how you want to approach the situation. There is usually regret in decisions made in anger.
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Old 02-17-2010, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
1,481 posts, read 3,938,506 times
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Hopes.. tried to rep you for the awesome post you put up (#4) but gotta spread the love a bit more .. just wanted to let you know I was impressed ..
===========
Sun Queen, I feel for ya .. but he is 18, I think its time to ask him to move out .. he needs to find his own way w/o you ..
I think we fight with our young adult teens as away of breaking the cord.. for some its not so hard the kid just does what he needs to and for others we have to fight/ drive them off when its time .. 18 is a hard place .. they aint a little kid anymore but we arent always ready to let them go compleatly ..
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Old 02-17-2010, 09:24 AM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,941 posts, read 8,313,470 times
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SunQueen,

As the parent of a 16 year old son, I can feel your pain. Out of all the stages of life we have been through from infancy, toddler, adolescent, etc. the teen years have been the most stressfull and challenging. You are stuck in a time when they want to be grown but yet are not quite there and still need you (but will kill over before they admit it ).

Please know that you did nothing wrong. Your children must respect you...there is no compromising that. Once they lose respect, all bets are out the window and you really have a problem on your hands. I imagine your son knows he is not doing the right things and doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. It's a scary time for him because he knows he will have to leave home soon...where will he go?,,,how will he survive on his own?...why can't it be easier?...while I'm not saying this is what your son is thinking, it can be similar and he is stressed about it. Therefore, any conversation you try to have with him about his goals for life will not be seen as encouragement but as pressure to get it together when he doesn't know how.

I would suggest you give it some time. Find a time to talk when he is in a upbeat mood and let it be a light conversation. I tend to get the best results from my son when he starts talking to me, then I kind of hint here and there. Do you remember when you had to "trick" them into taking medicine or eat a certain food? It's kind of the same concept. Small doses of encouragement, asking questions, reaffirming good behavior, goals, etc.

I wish you the best during this time but know you are not alone in the fight to get these teens into adulthood. When you're raising children right, it's never easy but it will pay off in the long run.
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Old 02-17-2010, 12:13 PM
 
25,080 posts, read 16,301,412 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Faworki1947 View Post
Hopes.. tried to rep you for the awesome post you put up (#4) but gotta spread the love a bit more .. just wanted to let you know I was impressed ..
===========
Sun Queen, I feel for ya .. but he is 18, I think its time to ask him to move out .. he needs to find his own way w/o you ..
I think we fight with our young adult teens as away of breaking the cord.. for some its not so hard the kid just does what he needs to and for others we have to fight/ drive them off when its time .. 18 is a hard place .. they aint a little kid anymore but we arent always ready to let them go compleatly ..
I think u r absolutely right. I have not been the best parent in the world. I wish I had been better, but I can't go back and I am not willing to give up on finding my own life. I sacrificed my youth and prime dating years to be a "good single mom," but what youth I have left I plan to enjoy every day. I may cry a little... But I am going to joy too. I think I am ready to let go. Thank u for your wise words
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Old 02-17-2010, 12:23 PM
 
25,080 posts, read 16,301,412 times
Reputation: 41803
Quote:
Originally Posted by seeniorita View Post
SunQueen,

As the parent of a 16 year old son, I can feel your pain. Out of all the stages of life we have been through from infancy, toddler, adolescent, etc. the teen years have been the most stressfull and challenging. You are stuck in a time when they want to be grown but yet are not quite there and still need you (but will kill over before they admit it ).

Please know that you did nothing wrong. Your children must respect you...there is no compromising that. Once they lose respect, all bets are out the window and you really have a problem on your hands. I imagine your son knows he is not doing the right things and doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. It's a scary time for him because he knows he will have to leave home soon...where will he go?,,,how will he survive on his own?...why can't it be easier?...while I'm not saying this is what your son is thinking, it can be similar and he is stressed about it. Therefore, any conversation you try to have with him about his goals for life will not be seen as encouragement but as pressure to get it together when he doesn't know how.

I would suggest you give it some time. Find a time to talk when he is in a upbeat mood and let it be a light conversation. I tend to get the best results from my son when he starts talking to me, then I kind of hint here and there. Do you remember when you had to "trick" them into taking medicine or eat a certain food? It's kind of the same concept. Small doses of encouragement, asking questions, reaffirming good behavior, goals, etc.

I wish you the best during this time but know you are not alone in the fight to get these teens into adulthood. When you're raising children right, it's never easy but it will pay off in the long run.
Wow u sound like a parent who has it together! U r all in my son's head. This morning he approached me with a conversation that included just about everything u said. He apologized and promised to do better. He said he loves me... And he doesn't want to leave on bad terms. I was such a girl I cried. What mom's knees wouldn't buckle? He said all the right things. Do u think he is so smart to come up with some bull to get me off his back or really sincere? Either way I am going to follow ur advise and map out a plan for his independence in the real world. I think I am going to give him a dose and a push of tuff love
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