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Old 02-20-2010, 08:07 AM
Status: "Desperately searching for the grading fairy...." (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,913 posts, read 16,215,477 times
Reputation: 11479
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momma_bear View Post
How is having a boyfriend not respecting oneself?
Man, if having a boyfriend is not respecting yourself, what is being married? Desperation?????

It's human nature to want to be accepted and to feel loved. There comes a point that kids start seeking those things outside of their home. Unfortunately, we do not control when kids go through puberty and much of wanting boyfriends/girlfriends is timed off of when puberty starts. My daugther is fully grown at 14. She hasn't looked like a kid since she was 10. I kind of figured we'd be dealing with boyfriends in her first year of high school but it started even before that.

It's hard. Our kids are going through puberty younger and younger (I'm starting to think there's something in the water) so they are dealing with relationship issues younger and younger. 100 years ago, puberty happened closer to age 17 than 10. Now, 11 year olds who are through puberty and menstruating are common. The daughter in question started puberty at age 7!!!! So her body is way ahead of her life experience. She looks more like a senior than a freshman.

I also developed early but as the oldest girl of six kids I had too much on my plate to worry about relationships. Though it wasn't for lack of my mom trying. She used to make me go out and talk to boys who came over whether I liked them or not. Always supervised of course. Never out of her sight. I really need to get her involved in something that will keep her too busy to worry about whether or not she has a boyfriend but that's tough to do when she doesn't qualify for what she's interested in and doesn't want to be involved in things she doesn't like.
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Old 02-20-2010, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Southern NC
1,915 posts, read 2,767,851 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Man, if having a boyfriend is not respecting yourself, what is being married? Desperation?????
I bolded my answer to that statement....common sense tells people that is not what was meant....it's the STALKING that you and your husband are allowing that is the demeaning part. I was warned of your sensitivity.
Good luck...you have many more years to go with the teen...hope it all turns out in the end.
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:00 AM
 
2,605 posts, read 2,563,227 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
..It's human nature to want to be accepted and to feel loved. There comes a point that kids start seeking those things outside of their home. Unfortunately, we do not control when kids go through puberty and much of wanting boyfriends/girlfriends is timed off of when puberty starts. ..
Kids as young as 8 think they have boyfriends and girlfriends. It's the way it is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
It's hard. Our kids are going through puberty younger and younger (I'm starting to think there's something in the water)..
Actually, I have heard from many sources that the growth hormones they give to milking cows to produce a greater volume of milk, and the hormones in beef cattle to raise them larger to produce more beef per cow have a lot to do with early onset of puberty in kids.
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:25 AM
 
42,498 posts, read 47,596,826 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NC~Mom View Post
I wouldn't allow my 14 year old to "hang out" at the mall without some supervision...I've been to the mall when crowds of teens are "hanging" out...and it's not pretty....our malls now have a curfew for teens...they are not allowed to be in the mall after a certain time unless they are with an adult...as it should be.
I'd just like to point out that different areas of the country have different problems. Malls in my area do not have a problem with crowds of misbehaving teenagers, and there are no mall curfews here. I never had a problem with allowing my children to spend a couple of unsupervised hours at the mall. The OP probably comes from a similar area to mine.

It's clear that you live in an area that is not as safe as where we live. Afterall, your malls wouldn't have curfews if the area was safe and problem free. In my entire greater metropolitian area, ONLY a few select neighobrhoods have curfews. (These are the less desirable neighborhoods in my region.) That's a few select neighborhoods out of a greater metro region of 2.5 million people.
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:27 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,801,996 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
What do you do when your 14 year old won't let a relationship go? She and her boyfriend broke up, FINALLY (we figured they'd never last three months). Now she's chasing after him. He, apparently, has a new girlfriend but she keeps going over to see him (Dad lets her go, if it were up to me, I'd have a no contact rule).

Ok, I need to sit down with her and explain in terms a 14 year old will understand that you cannot make someone love you and all the theatrics in the world won't change that he has moved on. Any advice from parents who have, recently, had to do this? She's my drama queen. The world is coming to an end for sure. I'm not really sure how to help her through this but I do need to get her to stop chasing him. It's not helping.

Thanks in advance for your advice.
My first heartbreak also happened at the age of 14. Although I wasn't doing any type of stalking, I was heartbroken and was trying to get his attention. I still remember sitting in my room for months, listening to sappy music, writing in my diary and crying. The funny thing is, it looks like many moms here are forgetting what it's like to be teenage girls.

The best thing you can do now is be there for her. Spend as much time with her as you can without being too pushy. Talk to her about boys and heartbreak without any judgement. It is very common for a 14 year old to try to get her first crush back, even if she embarrasses herself. It's a phase that many go through. I agree that she needs to find new friends, new people, new interests. I guarantee you, as soon as the next crush comes along, she will forget all about the "ex-boyfriend". This is the type of situation that only the time will heal. Let her go through this process, most of people go through it eventually.

By the way, having a boyfriend at 14 doesn't necessarily mean that she is having some kind of sexual relations with him. It was just kissing and spending time together, I assume.
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:28 AM
Status: "Desperately searching for the grading fairy...." (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,913 posts, read 16,215,477 times
Reputation: 11479
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
Kids as young as 8 think they have boyfriends and girlfriends. It's the way it is.

Actually, I have heard from many sources that the growth hormones they give to milking cows to produce a greater volume of milk, and the hormones in beef cattle to raise them larger to produce more beef per cow have a lot to do with early onset of puberty in kids.
That would explain it. My kids drink a lot of milk. I always thought it was good for them. While we do eat red meat, neither of my kids eat large amounts.

I was shocked when my dd started puberty at 7. I still remember that day. She came to me and asked "What are these bones" pointing to breast buds. Her doctor was alarmed. His fear was she'd stop growing as soon as she finished puberty. She had to have her upper thigh bone measured every three months for three years so they could see if she was going into that final growth spurt at the end of puberty. Fortunately, it took her 4 years to start her periods and she still grew a couple of inches after that so she's not short.

I thank television for young kids thinking they have boyfriends and girlfriends. It's very hard to prevent them from being exposed to things too young. Even commercials can be PG-13.
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:38 AM
Status: "Desperately searching for the grading fairy...." (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: Whoville....
21,913 posts, read 16,215,477 times
Reputation: 11479
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
My first heartbreak also happened at the age of 14. Although I wasn't doing any type of stalking, I was heartbroken and was trying to get his attention. I still remember sitting in my room for months, listening to sappy music, writing in my diary and crying. The funny thing is, it looks like many moms here are forgetting what it's like to be teenage girls.

The best thing you can do now is be there for her. Spend as much time with her as you can without being too pushy. Talk to her about boys and heartbreak without any judgement. It is very common for a 14 year old to try to get her first crush back, even if she embarrasses herself. It's a phase that many go through. I agree that she needs to find new friends, new people, new interests. I guarantee you, as soon as the next crush comes along, she will forget all about the "ex-boyfriend". This is the type of situation that only the time will heal. Let her go through this process, most of people go through it eventually.

By the way, having a boyfriend at 14 doesn't necessarily mean that she is having some kind of sexual relations with him. It was just kissing and spending time together, I assume.
I'm pretty sure the intensity is just because this was her first real crush/puppy love, whatever you want to call it. I remember everything having more intensity when I was young. I didn't have my first real heart break until I was 18. I just never clicked with a particular boy. I had some, serious, crushes but they were not reciprocated so they never amounted to much other than me crying when one of them asked another girl to a dance.

I did have one boyfriend at 16 but I really wasn't upset when he found another girl. I was more irritated that he dumped me for someone else than I was that he dumped me IYKWIM. I think I was just in love with the idea of having a boyfriend then and not in love with the boy. 18 was different. I thought it was the end of the world and I had four more years life experience than my daughter.

From what we could see they were just spending time together and stealing a kiss now and again. They were either out with a group or supervised here or at his house....I HOPE. I'm always leary about how well other parents supervise. I've lived around some real whack jobs who didn't watch their own kids.

I used to have a neighbor (ironically, the one who would not let my daughter play with her daughter becuase I'm...gasp...a working mom ), who used to send her toddlers out to play in the front yard in their kiddie pool while she stayed in and watched soap operas . I guess she figured a neighbor would fish them out if they drowned. She, literally, had a 4 year old watching a 2 year old in the front yard while she was glued to the TV. You could see her sitting there on the couch with her back to the front window. I'm amazed one of those kids didn't get hurt. We all breathed a sigh of relief when she moved. I think we cared more about her children's safety than she did.
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:55 AM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,801,996 times
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Quote:
I'm pretty sure the intensity is just because this was her first real crush/puppy love, whatever you want to call it. I remember everything having more intensity when I was young. I didn't have my first real heart break until I was 18. I just never clicked with a particular boy. I had some, serious, crushes but they were not reciprocated so they never amounted to much other than me crying when one of them asked another girl to a dance.
Yes, I agree. At such young age, she simply doesn't have past experiences to rely on. She still doesn't know that eventually the crushes go away, she hasn't experienced "getting over" someone and starting new relationships. After my first heartbreak, I learned that eventually pain goes away, that eventually if it's not this boy, it will be another boy...that life is full of great experiences and I don't need to rely on someone to enjoy it. But I had to go through this first, otherwise, I wouldn't have learned. Some people learn it later in life, your daughter just happened to be learning it right now. My mother was a great support for me during this time. We would talk for hours about her teenage years, that experience brought us closer together.
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Old 02-20-2010, 12:46 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 2,563,227 times
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My daughter just recently went through her first broken heart at 16. We parents tread a fine line between not minimizing the intensity of their feelings and understanding that there will be so much more as they continue to grow.
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Old 02-20-2010, 01:45 PM
 
Location: Orlando, Florida
43,862 posts, read 26,720,094 times
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The worst part is.....none of this really changes until they get into their early twenties and have had a few heartbreaks or disappointments. You can't grow up for them....you can only be there with the ice cream and a mall shopping trip when they fall on their face.
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