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The whole family is enabling them to continue to do what they are doing. By the time people are old enough to give birth to three children, it's time for them to learn to make sacrifices for those children. I worked with kids and with parent education for 20 years. I saw many parents like these. One was even a friend of mine. I watched her son during the week and then she hired 3 babysitters so she and her husband could play and party on the weekends. Her son became confused and clingy and didn't know who to trust.
If you don't want the responsibility of being a parent, then don't have children. They take time and commitment and a certain level of sacrifice. If you want to have the party lifestyle, then stay single and childless. Party, travel and do the things you want to do before you have children. I have seen way to many children become emotionally damaged by part time parents.
These children do not belong to the in-laws, they have their own life and problems to deal with. It's not fair to anyone, including the parents who are missing out on the best time with their kids. Children don't stay children very long and the time goes by in a blink of an eye. One minute you are expecting your first and the next, the last one has just left for college, and you wonder how you missed it all.
It's time for an extended family meeting, like an intervention. Have everyone (adults and the older children) write down what they want from life and from their family members. Then have each member read what they wrote and then discuss it.
It's possible that these parents are not aware of just often they are imposing on you. They need to be reminded that the grandparents have already raised their children and shouldn't have to raise their grandchildren too. They need to be reminded that their children need THEM to be there, and not grandparents and aunts and uncles. If something is not done soon, their own children will find others to confide in and rely on, and the ones they find may not be the best choice.
Well here's an update. They got back from Vegas, and said they won $1,600. Doubtful they'll use any of that to pay for babysitters though.
I approached my parent-in-laws (again) and said I feel like they are taking advantage of. They responded that they probably were, but the Christian thing to do (they are very religious), is not to judge and to be of service. Ugh ... I don't think they understand the concept of enabling, and I don't think I can convince them.
Anyway, I'm going to suggest to my wife that we keep watching the two older kids occasionally, maybe once a month overnight, and another time just for the afternoon or evening. I'm going to do that, because my kids like to play with them and have slumber parties. I don't want to deny them that, or penalize the kids. But I am not going to take the 8-month old until he is older and out of diapers.
what is wrong with some of you people?...are you not grown up???are you not capable of set boundaries??i tell you 2 european sayings: one:i give you my finger and you take my whole hand!! ( ia m nice i help you,and you take advantage of me,become gready and wnats more and more)
second saying: brother,brother,but cheese is for money,not for free..not so good translation,but i am hier to learn english..what i want to tell you is,i do not like people (even if familly)who take advantage of me!!!! they behave like this,because YOU ALLOW THIS,do you get it????if you were capable of just saying:::hey,this does not work with me!!you are grown up people,you have the responsability of raise your kids,nobody forced you to put them in the world,take this responsability more serious and less party..i am not hier to support parents having party and not taken care of their kids...and even if they are relatives..family is for me the most important thing in life,but if i am not stupid,to alow you ,to take advantage of me,because i am your relative..you play babysitter,only ,if you feel like,if not,not,you have your own family and your own kids,periode and they come ALWAYS first!!!
it is time to grew up,time to step up..we european are capable of telling people the truth straight to their face,WE TALK OUR MIND,i wish,more americans ere the same..just be honest,tell them,how do you feel (like it or not)..that is life,they must live with this...and what the parents do,is their decision...everybody has to decide for themselve!!
So if they are using government assistance (food stamps) but taking trips and going out that much, the tax payers are helping them enjoy this "life style".
I find that appalling. If they can afford to do all that, they don't need to be on food stamps. Has that issue not been discussed with your in-laws? The Christian thing to do would be to not take advantage of the system. And enabling by watching the kids all the time is doing just that.
My wife's sister and husband live about 5 miles from us. They have a seven-year-old, a 4-year-old, and an 8-month-old. They are constantly asking either us, or my wife's parents to watch the kids.
Well you can't make your inlaws comply but the first step is to SAY NO. Don't give a reason, just say you won't do it and do not engage in a dialogue about it.
This weekend, they asked my wife's parents to take their three kids, so they could go to Las Vegas. They also asked my in-laws to drive to their house to walk their dog this morning. My in-laws by the way, are the caretakers of their 30-year-old son with severe Cerebral Palsey, so it's not exactly like they don't have anything to do all day.
Well it turns out my in-laws were up until 3 a.m. with the 8-month-old, so it fell on us to go walk the dog this morning. I'm really starting to resent how the party lifestyle of these parents affects us, because this weekend is pretty typical.
Last Friday, they asked us to watch their kids while they went out, and my wife said yes. So we end up staying in all night watching the kids.
Two weeks ago, we went out to eat for my son's birthday. But these parents, instead of going to the restaurant with us, left their kids with us, and went out to eat by themselves at another restaurant. So not only did we have to take care of our two kids, we had to take care of three other kids, including an 8-month old. And guess who got to drive ten miles out of our way with the extra kids, to drop them off at my in-laws house after we were done.
You can't control what your ILs do but you can say no and so can your wife.
This pattern happens over and over again. It's not like they are out totally boozing it up, but I am getting really tired of their whole "parent-when-convenient" lifestyle.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm really feeling resentful toward this family, because they are kids always being at our house. When my wife says no, they just ask her parents, who almost always say yes. And then it still flows down to us -- see the ride sharing and dog walking examples above.
But I don't want to deny my kids the opportunity to play with their cousins, because the like playing with them.
P.S.: What further gnaws at me, is they live this lifestyle while on food stamps. That may or may not be a separate issue, but that bugs me also.
Well-say no. People can only take advantage of you if you allow it. You need to grow a backbone.
So if they are using government assistance (food stamps) but taking trips and going out that much, the tax payers are helping them enjoy this "life style".
I find that appalling. If they can afford to do all that, they don't need to be on food stamps. Has that issue not been discussed with your in-laws? The Christian thing to do would be to not take advantage of the system. And enabling by watching the kids all the time is doing just that.
Yes, I have talked to them about that. They are very permissive people, which does bother me a lot
Well-say no. People can only take advantage of you if you allow it. You need to grow a backbone.
I have to balance the fact that my kids really like to play with their cousins, and the fact that my wife doesn't feel as strongly. Not sure unilaterally forbidding something is really something I should do. But sure if I wore the same black and white glasses you do ...
I have to balance the fact that my kids really like to play with their cousins, and the fact that my wife doesn't feel as strongly. Not sure unilaterally forbidding something is really something I should do. But sure if I wore the same black and white glasses you do ...
the cousins can play at family gatherings where all parents are present. It's not like you babysitting is the only option for that.
I think he's got a good plan. Cutting way back on the sitting to once/twice a month for the older 2 is good, and not taking the baby is fine. Not that the parents will learn anything, but as long as the OP calls the shots in his household it's fine.
Living a life style of a single person with no family responsibilities when u have young children especially is not going to work out that well...
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