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Oh boy, OP, this sounds way too familiar to me you see because my DH and I were you and your spouse! Finally a misunderstanding turned into a rant and cussing out of me by my brother b/c we "forgot" to bring his three kids home with us after my DS birthday party (btw, these plans were never made, he just assumed we'd do it). After dropping off his kids at the playzone as they usually did, (he drove his dear wife across town to buy a $500 purse and out to eat but that's another story). Well, anyway, we got into a big argument b/c I am and "idiot for forgetting his kids and for choosing others that are not "blood" to give a ride to, (his kids were left at the playzone with my sister not alone)
Surmise it to say that it's been 3 years now that we've spoken and I don't miss them one.bit.
My sister also started pulling this nonsense on me week after week, not only on weekends but on weeknights
I had to practically lie to get out of watching her kids. Thank the LORD my BIL joined the army and they moved on base!! YAY So no more of this nonsense except when they come and visit and stay with us
You need to pray that they move away or YOU move away from them. hee hee
What's hard for you is that your wife seems okay with it. I married into my husband's family and discovered very quickly that they were complete jerks. My husband and I fought about things dealing with his family for years until I finally told him that he had to decide...either them or me. Before someone freaks out, I didn't say "you can't have any contact with your family", but I did put my foot down and tell him that I was officially DONE with inviting his family members on our vacations, DONE with driving across the city of Phoenix to go to his sister's house but no one ever came to our house, DONE with rearranging our schedules to attend a recital or sporting event for a niece/nephew but no one would bother to come to our children's events. The list went on. My husband genuinely would look at me like I had grown 2 heads and often said, "I don't see why you are getting so worked up about this." Even typing that now makes me so angry!
So, we finally moved across the country and in that space of time, my husband came to realize that he was born into a family of "takers" and only because we lived 3 time zones away, were we officially off the "can you do me a favor?" telephone tree. When we moved closer, he was finally able to be objective and say "no." We now have a normal relationship with his family, but it took a cross-country move to get there.
Bottom line is that this isn't going to stop until your wife understands that not all families act this way. It's hard if you grow up with a family of "takers" because it seems totally normal to be inconvenienced just because someone is family. You are going to have to decide how much of an issue you want this to be and either stand up for what you want and likely anger your wife and your in-laws or just take a deep breath and recognize that very few people will change something that is inherant to their personality. If you are married to a family where people spend their welfare checks on Vegas trips, they aren't going to wake up one day and be responsible.
If I were you, I'd sit down with your wife and have a true heart-to-heart talk with her. Explain that you understand that your kids have fun with their cousins but that you don't feel comfortable letting your kids stay over at their house (and you shouldn't with a sex offender) so you would like to hear what her solution to this is. Tell her that if the solution is "just let them continue to act the way they want to act" isn't acceptable, but you're willing to work with her on this. You may not get everything you want and/or need, but even if it's just a few weekends without your in-laws children in your house, that may have to be good enough.
what is wrong with some of you people?...are you not grown up???are you not capable of set boundaries??i tell you 2 european sayings: one:i give you my finger and you take my whole hand!! ( ia m nice i help you,and you take advantage of me,become gready and wnats more and more)
second saying: brother,brother,but cheese is for money,not for free..not so good translation,but i am hier to learn english..what i want to tell you is,i do not like people (even if familly)who take advantage of me!!!! they behave like this,because YOU ALLOW THIS,do you get it????if you were capable of just saying:::hey,this does not work with me!!you are grown up people,you have the responsability of raise your kids,nobody forced you to put them in the world,take this responsability more serious and less party..i am not hier to support parents having party and not taken care of their kids...and even if they are relatives..family is for me the most important thing in life,but if i am not stupid,to alow you ,to take advantage of me,because i am your relative..you play babysitter,only ,if you feel like,if not,not,you have your own family and your own kids,periode and they come ALWAYS first!!!
it is time to grew up,time to step up..we european are capable of telling people the truth straight to their face,WE TALK OUR MIND,i wish,more americans ere the same..just be honest,tell them,how do you feel (like it or not)..that is life,they must live with this...and what the parents do,is their decision...everybody has to decide for themselve!!
Seriously? Are you still holding on to the argument that it's only American families where people are taken advantage of? It would be funny if you weren't so delusional.
Let me guess, you are now considered the "jerk" of the family since you set your foot down and now you don't want to have your kids associate with their cousins, etc, etc.
Yes, this will happen to you if it hasn't already. Your inlaws will say how you are alienating the family unit, blah blah blah.
They are users. I am all too familiar with this scenario. Don't back down. Set your rules, don't put your plans on hold because of them
I have been called selfish by my siblings b/c I refused to watch their kids every weekend while they went out clubbing and showed up the NEXT DAY to pick up their kids without so much as a phone call
I am the bad guy in my family. A jerk. A..hole, etc, etc.
Let me guess, you are now considered the "jerk" of the family since you set your foot down and now you don't want to have your kids associate with their cousins, etc, etc. Yes, this will happen to you if it hasn't already. Your inlaws will say how you are alienating the family unit, blah blah blah.
We should form our own club as this is EXACTLY what I am called by my in-laws. The woman who "broke up the family" and alienates her children from their cousins.
Poor them...it's so much easier to deflect blame on other people while not taking a good hard look at yourself.
It took me nearly 5 years to genuinely not give a crap about being labeled as "the bad guy." If being the bad guy means not having to babysit every weekend, not letting my kids play with their cousins who are turning into little judgemental jerks like their parents, if being the bad guy means not having to listen as my sisters-in-law go on and on about their new BMW SUVs, their new pools, their fabulous vacations, etc, then I am 100% okay with that. It's better than biting my tongue and trying not to ask my sister-in-law who just got a new car about her husband's latest affair with his secretary. Or to explain to my 7-year-old daughter (who was happy with her shoes 4 hours before) why she doesn't need Uggs just because her cousins tell her that her boots are "fake."
The bottom line for me is that I won't put up with behavior from a relative that I wouldn't tolerate if they were my friends. Everyone has a crazy uncle but too much latitude is given with the excuse of "they're family". Families are supposed to be supportive of each other. Families are supposed to want the best for you. Families are supposed to ADD to your life not constantly take away from it. When you go to a family gathering, you shouldn't have an aching jaw from clenching your teeth so hard and you shouldn't be in a bad mood when you get home. My family isn't perfect but even my husband has finally learned that it's night and day compared to his.
Being labeled as "the Villain" is okay with me and now even more so that my husband has finally seen the light.
I have to balance the fact that my kids really like to play with their cousins, and the fact that my wife doesn't feel as strongly. Not sure unilaterally forbidding something is really something I should do. But sure if I wore the same black and white glasses you do ...
I think the first thing you have to do is get on the same page with your wife. Talk to her, set up some boundaries with these in-laws. She may think it's fine for these people to drop their kids off with you every day, at their convenience. You may think that a planned visit, once a month is plenty.
Neither one of you is right or wrong. What you need to do is find some sort of compromise on these visits. If you don't, they could wind up causing problems in your relationship with your wife - something you, your wife and your kids do not need. Once you reach a compromise, your wife should be the one to calmy, but firmly, communicate and enforce the rules with her family. You should not be put in the position of being "the bad guy."
I think it's great that you encourage a relationship between the cousins. And I give you high marks for not losing your cool during all of this "boundary pushing".
Last edited by springfieldva; 02-26-2010 at 02:43 PM..
We should form our own club as this is EXACTLY what I am called by my in-laws. The woman who "broke up the family" and alienates her children from their cousins.
Poor them...it's so much easier to deflect blame on other people while not taking a good hard look at yourself.
It took me nearly 5 years to genuinely not give a crap about being labeled as "the bad guy." If being the bad guy means not having to babysit every weekend, not letting my kids play with their cousins who are turning into little judgemental jerks like their parents, if being the bad guy means not having to listen as my sisters-in-law go on and on about their new BMW SUVs, their new pools, their fabulous vacations, etc, then I am 100% okay with that. It's better than biting my tongue and trying not to ask my sister-in-law who just got a new car about her husband's latest affair with his secretary. Or to explain to my 7-year-old daughter (who was happy with her shoes 4 hours before) why she doesn't need Uggs just because her cousins tell her that her boots are "fake."
The bottom line for me is that I won't put up with behavior from a relative that I wouldn't tolerate if they were my friends. Everyone has a crazy uncle but too much latitude is given with the excuse of "they're family". Families are supposed to be supportive of each other. Families are supposed to want the best for you. Families are supposed to ADD to your life not constantly take away from it. When you go to a family gathering, you shouldn't have an aching jaw from clenching your teeth so hard and you shouldn't be in a bad mood when you get home. My family isn't perfect but even my husband has finally learned that it's night and day compared to his.
Being labeled as "the Villain" is okay with me and now even more so that my husband has finally seen the light.
We are blessed to have good people on both sides of our family. But I've known plenty of people who haven't been so lucky.
In some situations, distance (emotional/mental/physical) is really the only solution. The important thing is that you and your dh are on the same page.
In some situations, distance (emotional/mental/physical) is really the only solution. The important thing is that you and your dh are on the same page.
Yep, it took us moving from Arizona to Florida for that to happen. I honestly don't think we'd be in the same situation had we not been totally removed from his family. Frankly, things were not going well for us (marriage-wise) until we moved. His family is very domineering and judgemental and I just couldn't understand why my husband didn't think there was anything wrong with that. We had to move to realize that we were a team and that no one had control of our family life and how we raised our children but us. It's so easy to get caught up in the competition when you've got a judgemental family and now that we've been away for a while, I can look at them with pity rather than hostility.
Still stuck on the sex offender thing -- I wouldn't put my kids in contact with anyone like that....
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and I don't miss them one.bit.
