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Old 02-20-2010, 03:07 PM
 
1,646 posts, read 4,684,993 times
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My wife's sister and husband live about 5 miles from us. They have a seven-year-old, a 4-year-old, and an 8-month-old. They are constantly asking either us, or my wife's parents to watch the kids.

This weekend, they asked my wife's parents to take their three kids, so they could go to Las Vegas. They also asked my in-laws to drive to their house to walk their dog this morning. My in-laws by the way, are the caretakers of their 30-year-old son with severe Cerebral Palsey, so it's not exactly like they don't have anything to do all day.

Well it turns out my in-laws were up until 3 a.m. with the 8-month-old, so it fell on us to go walk the dog this morning. I'm really starting to resent how the party lifestyle of these parents affects us, because this weekend is pretty typical

Last Friday, they asked us to watch their kids while they went out, and my wife said yes. So we end up staying in all night watching the kids.

Two weeks ago, we went out to eat for my son's birthday. But these parents, instead of going to the restaurant with us, left their kids with us, and went out to eat by themselves at another restaurant. So not only did we have to take care of our two kids, we had to take care of three other kids, including an 8-month old. And guess who got to drive ten miles out of our way with the extra kids, to drop them off at my in-laws house after we were done.

This pattern happens over and over again. It's not like they are out totally boozing it up, but I am getting really tired of their whole "parent-when-convenient" lifestyle.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm really feeling resentful toward this family, because they are kids always being at our house. When my wife says no, they just ask her parents, who almost always say yes. And then it still flows down to us -- see the ride sharing and dog walking examples above.
But I don't want to deny my kids the opportunity to play with their cousins, because the like playing with them.

P.S.: What further gnaws at me, is they live this lifestyle while on food stamps. That may or may not be a separate issue, but that bugs me also.
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Old 02-20-2010, 03:17 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
14,851 posts, read 17,798,638 times
Reputation: 18977
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
My wife's sister and husband live about 5 miles from us. They have a seven-year-old, a 4-year-old, and an 8-month-old. They are constantly asking either us, or my wife's parents to watch the kids.

This weekend, they asked my wife's parents to take their three kids, so they could go to Las Vegas. They also asked my in-laws to drive to their house to walk their dog this morning. My in-laws by the way, are the caretakers of their 30-year-old son with severe Cerebral Palsey, so it's not exactly like they don't have anything to do all day.

Well it turns out my in-laws were up until 3 a.m. with the 8-month-old, so it fell on us to go walk the dog this morning. I'm really starting to resent how the party lifestyle of these parents affects us, because this weekend is pretty typical

Last Friday, they asked us to watch their kids while they went out, and my wife said yes. So we end up staying in all night watching the kids.

Two weeks ago, we went out to eat for my son's birthday. But these parents, instead of going to the restaurant with us, left their kids with us, and went out to eat by themselves at another restaurant. So not only did we have to take care of our two kids, we had to take care of three other kids, including an 8-month old. And guess who got to drive ten miles out of our way with the extra kids, to drop them off at my in-laws house after we were done.

This pattern happens over and over again. It's not like they are out totally boozing it up, but I am getting really tired of their whole "parent-when-convenient" lifestyle.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm really feeling resentful toward this family, because they are kids always being at our house. When my wife says no, they just ask her parents, who almost always say yes. And then it still flows down to us -- see the ride sharing and dog walking examples above.
But I don't want to deny my kids the opportunity to play with their cousins, because the like playing with them.

P.S.: What further gnaws at me, is they live this lifestyle while on food stamps. That may or may not be a separate issue, but that bugs me also.
Your relatives need to pay for a babysitter to take care of their progeny while they are off having fun. Not dumping the kids on you. That is just plain wrong.

I do applaud them for not letting their children get in the way of them having a good time when they want to. Not many parents have the nerve to pursue their own lives and interests these days.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 02-20-2010, 03:20 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 16,911,267 times
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Sorry to hear about this Cool and you probably know what I am going to say but it sounds like you need to put up some firm boundaries with these folks and learn to tell them 'no'. If they ask you to babysit and you have the time to do it be sure to give them a time when their children need to leave...if they ask you to take their children out and the parents do not join you simply tell them, in a kind way, your hands are as full as can be with 2 children of your own to care for...

This is a sticky situation but I hope you can figure out a way to make good choices without feeling bad or ostracizing anyone...good luck!
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Old 02-20-2010, 03:26 PM
 
749 posts, read 1,084,559 times
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I've always said "people can't take advantage of you unless you let them". If you don't want this to continue then stop it. As for the trickle down effect from the in-laws, have a talk with them also and tell them if they choose to help them out then they need to be responsible for the whole deal and not expect you to come and "help".

There is nothing wrong with helping family members out but when you don't want to do it, just say no. I'm sure I know the answer to this but I'll ask anyway...Do they help you out by babysitting for you? I'm guessing no, so I'm not sure why you would be afraid of hurting their feelings when they have no problem ignoring yours.
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Old 02-20-2010, 03:31 PM
 
43,017 posts, read 49,727,727 times
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If they were hiring a babysitter, there is actually nothing wrong with their lifestyle based on what you shared.

What's wrong is your allowing them to impose upon you.
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Old 02-20-2010, 03:43 PM
 
1,646 posts, read 4,684,993 times
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Yeah ... like I said, it's not like they are doing hard-core partying, more of the imposing. My in-laws get frustrated by it, but they usually say yes.

As for the boundaries in our family -- it doesn't bother my wife nearly as much, so I have to balance not only my opinion but hers as well (maybe that's why I turned to the CD community . Plus my kids really like having their cousins over. I just wish it wasn't almost every weekend.

They occasionally watch our kids, maybe every couple months. But I don't really like having my kids over there too much. They often have people we don't know staying with them. And my brother-in-law's father sometimes comes over -- he's a convicted sex offender.
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Old 02-20-2010, 03:55 PM
 
Location: Rockwall
675 posts, read 735,498 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
Yeah ... like I said, it's not like they are doing hard-core partying, more of the imposing. My in-laws get frustrated by it, but they usually say yes.

As for the boundaries in our family -- it doesn't bother my wife nearly as much, so I have to balance not only my opinion but hers as well (maybe that's why I turned to the CD community . Plus my kids really like having their cousins over. I just wish it wasn't almost every weekend.

They occasionally watch our kids, maybe every couple months. But I don't really like having my kids over there too much. They often have people we don't know staying with them. And my brother-in-law's father sometimes comes over -- he's a convicted sex offender.
YIKES!!!!!!!!!! I would NOT allow my children to be near a convicted SO. And other unknown guests. Even if they are family by marriage.

It sounds your in-laws really have it going on. Free baby-sitters. Free dog walkers. Food stamps AND trips to Vegas.

I really feel for your parents. What a burden.

Shame on your in-laws.
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Old 02-20-2010, 04:46 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 2,622,654 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
P.S.: What further gnaws at me, is they live this lifestyle while on food stamps. That may or may not be a separate issue, but that bugs me also.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolcats View Post
They often have people we don't know staying with them. And my brother-in-law's father sometimes comes over -- he's a convicted sex offender.
So they are on food stamps, go to Vegas, go out every weekend, and have people staying at their house a lot? And grandpa is a sex offender???

My advice is to put your foot down and take skahar's advice:
Quote:
Originally Posted by skahar View Post
I've always said "people can't take advantage of you unless you let them". If you don't want this to continue then stop it. As for the trickle down effect from the in-laws, have a talk with them also and tell them if they choose to help them out then they need to be responsible for the whole deal and not expect you to come and "help".
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Old 02-20-2010, 04:56 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
16,989 posts, read 19,930,307 times
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You cannot be taken advantage of without your consent. What the other relatives do is their business. You won't be the most popular relative, but at least you won't be used by these people.

Have you talked to the other relatives to see if they feel like you do? If they do you could all get together and have a talk with your sister and brother in law and explain that no one is going to be raising their kids for them anymore.
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Old 02-20-2010, 05:00 PM
 
1,646 posts, read 4,684,993 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
So they are on food stamps, go to Vegas, go out every weekend, and have people staying at their house a lot? And grandpa is a sex offender???

My advice is to put your foot down and take skahar's advice:
To be fair, some of their financial troubles were caused when they were hit by a drunk driver last summer. So they missed work and have medical bills. But that does not excuse spending or wasting money that should go toward necessities before parties.

My wife watches their kids twice a week while her sister goes to physical therapy. I have no problem with that. That's doing someone a favor and helping out. I do have a problem with dumping their kids and going out every weekend.

I do make sure know one else is there, or going to be there if I do have our kids go over there. L.ike I said - it's not very often. And I do see a lot of irresponsibility.
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