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Your complete surprise is downright cruel. Your son deserves to be informed of your intention to change the locks.
By law, everyone is entitled to notice of eviction, even family members from private residents.
Regardless, giving him notice is the moral thing to do.
If he spent his life with parents who didn't follow through, he deserves some indication that you are serious this time.
He deserves time to find housing, gather his belongings, etc.
I have no problem with your tossing him from the house if he doesn't find a job.
I do have a problem with your not giving him warning that you will change the locks on a specific date.
The date due is all the warning he needs (legally as well). He needs a real shock to understand how the "real world" works. Fail to pay your rent by a certain date and you will get evicted. As far as I'm concerned after NUMEROUS chances taking the "warm and fuzzy" approach its time for the tough approach. All he has to do to avoid this is find steady employment, and he gets to live @ home. Not too much to ask.
Have you considered his laziness might be a manifestation of depression?
I just know that, for me...as someone with depression, on my worst days I don't even wish to get out of bed. Some may call that "lazy," but in reality I'd give anything to feel alive enough to NOT be that way. If you son is showing general signs of apathy about life, please consider he may be suffering--and kicking him out would just further the darkness.
Have you considered his laziness might be a manifestation of depression?
I just know that, for me...as someone with depression, on my worst days I don't even wish to get out of bed. Some may call that "lazy," but in reality I'd give anything to feel alive enough to NOT be that way. If you son is showing general signs of apathy about life, please consider he may be suffering--and kicking him out would just further the darkness.
I suffer from depression as well, so I know what to look for. I can tell you its laziness on his part.
He's living in LA with my sister now. He is going to high school and has to take two night school classes to make up for classes that he has failed. Because of the night school, she is not asking him to work. Instead, she is paying him $25/hr to do housework (in a house he lives in rent-free?)
Whatever. That's her decision.
I really, really hope the change of scenery will do him good. If it is depression, shouldn't a new and different environment, surrounded by sympathetic people, be a good thing?
He's living in LA with my sister now. He is going to high school and has to take two night school classes to make up for classes that he has failed. Because of the night school, she is not asking him to work. Instead, she is paying him $25/hr to do housework (in a house he lives in rent-free?)
Whatever. That's her decision.
I really, really hope the change of scenery will do him good. If it is depression, shouldn't a new and different environment, surrounded by sympathetic people, be a good thing?
it'll be a change...thats about it.
let me get right into it...
its not a choice he's making to be lazy, he is just not focused on what you think is important. he's focusing on what he thinks is important.
you have at least 16 years on him of desicion making and life, what you need to do is make whats important to you, important to him. this is a whole hell of a lot easier said than done. but don't give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm lazy, and apathy is a stationary boulder.
that boulder needs to be put on the path labeled success. once its rolling on that path that's not the end of your work.
it takes constant pushing and more than one element to get it moving (because that boulder is a lot bigger than you) if you succeed at getting it rolling and then just relax, it will stop and become apathy again.
in your childs mind you are setting up a course for him to take over this boulder and keep it moving (being successful) to the end goal which is a sustainable life and family.
he still doesn't know how to push that boulder out of apathy yet but his hints at wanting to move out is a good sign that hes ready to start.
by letting him go to your sisters, his boulder is going with him, so that boulder is no longer your problem. your sister will be padding the area around the boulder with $25 an hour. but the only thing moving that boulder centimeters right now are those night classes.
while he is there, don't ignore the apathy boulder. you are his one and only factor encouraging him to move forward. he is used to you nagging him, if he loses that nagging (which you hate doing, and he hates hearing), the boulder will stop moving. it doesn't matter if he's taking classes or not, if he's not emotionally maturing that boulder has stopped moving, whether hes taking classes or not.
i'm 24 and i'm still dealing with this problem.
even though i have this insight into my apathy, its still damn hard to keep going towards success.
its not gonna be easy, but it'll be worth it.
Edit: i realized i brought this back from the dead, i appolgize but i felt it was important to respond, i hope the OP finds this info useful if they're still around
One of the reasons I thought it would be good for him to move to my sister's is that she has more time and energy for boulder moving than I do. Also, she isn't worn down by doing it for years and years. Also, my two other sisters are in the same area to help.
He just graduated from HS last week (HOORAY!) I flew down for the ceremony, party, etc and took him to Disneyland and the beach to celebrate. He is going to do some part time work for my brother in law and starts junior college in the fall.
I'm soooo happy for him and maybe this is just what he needed (Southern California's low academic standards to graduate didn't hurt either!)
Okay, I really need some good advise. All perspectives would be appreciated.
Some background:
My son is 18 yrs old. He is very respectful, very intelligent, but EXTREMELY lazy. Since 3rd grade, he is always had very high test scores, but awful grades because he does very little homework. We have tried every kind of incentive and punishment. Nothing has worked.
In early January, we talked to him about his grades and how he has to get them up in order to graduate. Then we got a progress report, 2 Ds and 1 F. I had it up to HERE (picture me holding my hand at my eyebrows...)
I gave him an ultimatum. He had 6 weeks to make one of the following choices:
- get his grades up to a 3.0 GPA
- get a part time job
- enlist in military service
- move out
My husband agreed at the time, but now he is backing away from this decision. The deadline is next week and he has made NO effort toward any of the choices. His grades are the same and he has applied for exactly two jobs. He said he has no interest in the military at all. So, he is basically forcing us to kick him out.
My husband's problem is that this is in the middle of his senior year. He thinks we should wait until he is out of school (I would say "until he graduates" but I don't think that is going to happen).
Is my husband right? Should we wait? But then, I think we would lose all credibility. We made an ultimatum and if we back away from it, he will not believe us the next time.
Okay, I really need some good advise. All perspectives would be appreciated.
Some background:
My son is 18 yrs old. He is very respectful, very intelligent, but EXTREMELY lazy. Since 3rd grade, he is always had very high test scores, but awful grades because he does very little homework. We have tried every kind of incentive and punishment. Nothing has worked.
In early January, we talked to him about his grades and how he has to get them up in order to graduate. Then we got a progress report, 2 Ds and 1 F. I had it up to HERE (picture me holding my hand at my eyebrows...)
I gave him an ultimatum. He had 6 weeks to make one of the following choices:
- get his grades up to a 3.0 GPA
- get a part time job
- enlist in military service
- move out
My husband agreed at the time, but now he is backing away from this decision. The deadline is next week and he has made NO effort toward any of the choices. His grades are the same and he has applied for exactly two jobs. He said he has no interest in the military at all. So, he is basically forcing us to kick him out.
My husband's problem is that this is in the middle of his senior year. He thinks we should wait until he is out of school (I would say "until he graduates" but I don't think that is going to happen).
Is my husband right? Should we wait? But then, I think we would lose all credibility. We made an ultimatum and if we back away from it, he will not believe us the next time.
Help!
I don't have teenage kids, but I was an 18 year old not that long ago; and I think if he doesn't choose from any of the options within the week, you kick his little butt out! A few days (b/c that's all it will most likely last) on his own without money, food, car (if he has one and you pay for it), etc. he will come back willing to negotiate.
I suffer from depression as well, so I know what to look for. I can tell you its laziness on his part.
But depression has many manifestations. He may even want to hide the way he feels from you, knowing you suffer from it.
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Sounds like Inattentive Type ADHD
