Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Okay, I really need some good advise. All perspectives would be appreciated.
Some background:
My son is 18 yrs old. He is very respectful, very intelligent, but EXTREMELY lazy. Since 3rd grade, he is always had very high test scores, but awful grades because he does very little homework. We have tried every kind of incentive and punishment. Nothing has worked.
In early January, we talked to him about his grades and how he has to get them up in order to graduate. Then we got a progress report, 2 Ds and 1 F. I had it up to HERE (picture me holding my hand at my eyebrows...)
I gave him an ultimatum. He had 6 weeks to make one of the following choices:
- get his grades up to a 3.0 GPA
- get a part time job
- enlist in military service
- move out
My husband agreed at the time, but now he is backing away from this decision. The deadline is next week and he has made NO effort toward any of the choices. His grades are the same and he has applied for exactly two jobs. He said he has no interest in the military at all. So, he is basically forcing us to kick him out.
My husband's problem is that this is in the middle of his senior year. He thinks we should wait until he is out of school (I would say "until he graduates" but I don't think that is going to happen).
Is my husband right? Should we wait? But then, I think we would lose all credibility. We made an ultimatum and if we back away from it, he will not believe us the next time.
Mom, I was just taking a little break here and saw your post.
Raised three boys
Each was different
For me the number one thing was to graduate out of HS, without this no military. They have some standards for enlistment.
Do you have a school counselor that would be willing to sit down with you, husband and kido?
In that environment you might feel like you do not have to lead the discussion.
I would not go against your husband, he needs to be part of the team. And you three are a team. I would drop the term "kick out" of your vocabulary. Instead turn it to let's get you prepared for adult life. Keep smiling, stay positive. It will throw him a little off since the current way has not motivated him for all these years, some kids just have to find their path. Hang in there!
Last edited by Mt-7; 02-24-2010 at 11:15 AM..
Reason: a little spelling work
Kicking him out would be counter-productive and possibly the worst thing you could do. He'll resent you for it, but more importantly, it will backfire on you in the long term when he has to suffer the consequences and you are obliged to pick up the pieces due to maternal instincts. Trust me, they'll rear up and you'll have no defense against them.
Toughen up and wear down his apathy. No privileges unless A, B, C, D...Z are accomplished and of course the always reliable old stand by... " I brought you in, and by golly, I can take you out" threat...
Okay, I really need some good advise. All perspectives would be appreciated.
Some background:
My son is 18 yrs old. He is very respectful, very intelligent, but EXTREMELY lazy. Since 3rd grade, he is always had very high test scores, but awful grades because he does very little homework. We have tried every kind of incentive and punishment. Nothing has worked.
In early January, we talked to him about his grades and how he has to get them up in order to graduate. Then we got a progress report, 2 Ds and 1 F. I had it up to HERE (picture me holding my hand at my eyebrows...)
I gave him an ultimatum. He had 6 weeks to make one of the following choices:
- get his grades up to a 3.0 GPA
- get a part time job
- enlist in military service
- move out
My husband agreed at the time, but now he is backing away from this decision. The deadline is next week and he has made NO effort toward any of the choices. His grades are the same and he has applied for exactly two jobs. He said he has no interest in the military at all. So, he is basically forcing us to kick him out.
My husband's problem is that this is in the middle of his senior year. He thinks we should wait until he is out of school (I would say "until he graduates" but I don't think that is going to happen).
Is my husband right? Should we wait? But then, I think we would lose all credibility. We made an ultimatum and if we back away from it, he will not believe us the next time.
Help!
hmmmm....you expected your ultimatums to actually motivate this kid to do what YOU want him to do? Big mistake in judgement. You worry about "losing" credibility, but you already have by doing this in the first place .
A much better plan would have been to find out what he is motivated by and work from THAT angle.
I agree with your husband - he is still in high school for pete's sake, you should NOT throw him out or throw in the towel! What this kid needs is some mentoring, not mothering and being treated like he's a little boy.
So, as his parents it is time (actually past time) for you to mentor him so that HE is the one making decisions about his future. Involve him in coming up with a game plan for the next phase of his life.
Explain to him that after graduation/or when school ends (in case he doesn't graduate) he must have some goals.
Give him a deadline - say August 1- for which he must either be working full time or enrolled in school to stay in your home. Don't say this like you are punishing him. This is not a punishment and should not be said in anger or when upset.
Explain to him that there are simply no "free rides" in life, and that because you love him so much you want to help him become a man. And a man doesn't free load off his parents indefinitely. Stress to him that you love him and you know he's a great person and you want to help him get where he wants to be.
Then give him a chance to explain to you where that is. Does he want to go to college (doesn't sound like it), does he want to race bikes, does he want to be a fireman - WHAT ARE HIS INTERESTS?
When you really spend time discussing with him what his passions might be than you can help him figure out what his next steps should be.
You say he's being lazy, and it does sound like he is. BUT, he could also be very scared and the fear is actually paralysing him right now. Help him to face his fears about growing up and be sure to let him know you are his safety net, that you are always there no matter what.
Simply kicking him out in anger and disgust will not get him anywhere - get involved with him in figuring out what he wants out of life.
Kicking him out would be counter-productive and possibly the worst thing you could do. He'll resent you for it, but more importantly, it will backfire on you in the long term when he has to suffer the consequences and you are obliged to pick up the pieces due to maternal instincts. Trust me, they'll rear up and you'll have no defense against them.
So he resents mom because she's making him be a man. So what? She is supposed to be a parent, not friend.
Since he is 18, mom and dad are NOT obligated to pick up ANY pieces. The young man needs to learn that he is of age and things are expected of him. When he does not honor those expectations, he won't like the results. He will learn.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carrie2979
I'm just curious that eventhought he is 18, is it legal to "kick" them out of the house when they are still in High School?
My husband's problem is that this is in the middle of his senior year. He thinks we should wait until he is out of school (I would say "until he graduates" but I don't think that is going to happen).
Is my husband right? Should we wait? But then, I think we would lose all credibility. We made an ultimatum and if we back away from it, he will not believe us the next time.
If you were worried about credibility, you should have thought about this before giving him that ultimatum.
Your husband is absolutely right. Depending on where you live, it might be state law too! I'm serious.
18 isn't the legal age for adulthood in all states. Some states don't consider children to be adults until they graduate high school.
Those laws were obviously created to protect children from people like you who will kick children out at 18 without regard for their finishing school.
You said he was always like this, BUT you only NOW you decide that you should give an ultimatum. Your son is a product of your parenting throughout his life.
So Dad's turning to mush. He needs to stay the course with Mom so Junior understands he has to grow up, and now is the time.
The WORST thing you can do is to give in and not hold to the original plan. He will never take anything seriously again if you buckle.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. 
