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I'm after genuine self worth. The kind that comes from knowing that what you have to offer matters. Not the false kind we hand our kids today by telling them they are important just for existing. There is a difference between flattery and knowing, deep inside that you really matter. That your contributions matter. That the family is better off because you made your contribution. That was something that kids had, automatically, back on the farm. From very young ages they could take on necessary tasks that helped make their family's lives better. They knew, deep inside, what they contributed mattered. I wish I knew how to capture that for our kids today.
But I don't think that's true. The knowing that they mattered. They were still kids back then. And what about those who grew up in the cities? In the sweat factories and on the streets. All the other kids were just kids, running around and having fun.
I think, really believe that the importance you are talking about was a heavy burden for kids back then. And I don't think they felt all that important and that they mattered that much. I think they carried their load because they had to. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but maybe that was the difference. Kids today don't carry those burdens from childhood.
So many kids who grew up on 'the farm' grew up with no hope for anything except carrying on with the farm the remainder of their lives. Few escaped that life. The girls grew up and married neighboring farmers and the boys grew up marrying the daughters of the neighboring farmers.
But I don't think that's true. The knowing that they mattered. They were still kids back then. And what about those who grew up in the cities? In the sweat factories and on the streets. All the other kids were just kids, running around and having fun.
I think, really believe that the importance you are talking about was a heavy burden for kids back then. And I don't think they felt all that important and that they mattered that much. I think they carried their load because they had to. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but maybe that was the difference. Kids today don't carry those burdens from childhood.
So many kids who grew up on 'the farm' grew up with no hope for anything except carrying on with the farm the remainder of their lives. Few escaped that life. The girls grew up and married neighboring farmers and the boys grew up marrying the daughters of the neighboring farmers.
While I don't condone putting kids in sweat factories, they were helping support their families and themselves.
And no, I don't think it was a heavy burden. I think it was a source of pride. Modern childhood is all about play time when it never was in past generations. It was about becomming a contibuting member as soon as you could. Very young children did vital chores which freed the parents up to do other things that made life better for the family. It was a team effort.
Carrying on the farm wasn't a bad life. It was hard work but you could take care of you and yours. My husband's family survivied the depression by moving back to grandpa's farm and living off of the land.
Kids today seem to lack purpose and a tie to family. Bonding with peers as a teen is a, relatively, new phenomena. Started maybe in the 50's or 60's. Before that, it was the family unit. You even asked your parents permission before you got married. Now kids want to break from family as soon as they can. Many run away in their teens. They're looking for something they are not getting at home. I think it's a sense of purpose.
Kids today seem to lack purpose and a tie to family. Bonding with peers as a teen is a, relatively, new phenomena. Started maybe in the 50's or 60's. Before that, it was the family unit. You even asked your parents permission before you got married. Now kids want to break from family as soon as they can. Many run away in their teens. They're looking for something they are not getting at home. I think it's a sense of purpose.
I think that a major contributing factor is the fact that our culture is one that values independence and autonomy over interdependence. We expect our children to learn to be independent from very young ages, starting as tiny babies. Parents are encouraged to teach their babies how to self soothe and sleep through the night very early on. Large groups of kids (and babies) spend long periods of time away from home and their families in daycare or school. We push our children away far before they start pushing back.
I think that a major contributing factor is the fact that our culture is one that values independence and autonomy over interdependence. We expect our children to learn to be independent from very young ages, starting as tiny babies. Parents are encouraged to teach their babies how to self soothe and sleep through the night very early on. Large groups of kids (and babies) spend long periods of time away from home and their families in daycare or school. We push our children away far before they start pushing back.
I'll agree that our culture values independence. I just believe this stems from children not having a vital role in the family anymore. I think they go looking for that as soon as they can. I'm not sure they find it but they find other kids who feel like they do and misery loves company.
I don't think this is a day care issue. If you look through history, children spent long hours away from parents while parents worked the field and farm. In tribal communities, it is not uncommon for older tribe members to watch the kids while the younger ones hunt and gather. The structure of life, WRT, how time is spent isn't what has changed. What has changed is the opportunity for our children to be contributing members of the team from an early age. If you're benched long enough, you start to feel like you don't belong even if you do wear the jersey.
Another issue that worsens this, IMO, is that our families have become child centered and this sends the message they are more important than anyone else. Children used to be born into a family and expected to adapt to the family and they did. Now the family transforms around the baby. From a very young age, they learn that they come first. That's just another reason to break away from family as that tends to lessen over time and they don't like it.
I highly doubt teaching babies to self soothe is a bad thing. If anything, too much doing it for them would be (guilty).
We've changed the role of children greatly in the last 100 years. We've taken away the things they could do and find pride in when young and replaced them with crowning achievements like the ACT score in 11th grade or graduating at the top of their class in college which can be YEARS AWAY. Everything is a long term goal for them but they are short term thinkers. Children and teens live in NOW yet we push them to do things to help this future life they'll have. THAT unfortunately, also sets them up for disappoinment when the dream doesn't work out the way they planned (IMO a contributing factor in divorce rates and mid life crisis (did that even exist 100 years ago?)).
It's, probably, too late to recapture what kids have lost but there have to be ways to help them get parts of it back. Women will never be as important at home as they once were. The work we do at home is no longer vital to the survival of the family. It's been reduced to a handful of chores that need to get done from time to time but there's no real loss if they're not done in any given day. We, however, can replace our contribution to the survivial and betterment of the family with a paycheck. Kids can't.
Last edited by Ivorytickler; 03-11-2010 at 04:20 AM..
Then I suggest you find a way to make your daughter feel important and contributing and leave it at that.
Uh, that's what I asked for suggestions on. I see the problem but don't know what to do about it. How do you recapture something as special as this in this day and age when so much of family dynamics have changed?
It's like trying to make being a stay at home mom important again. It used to be because there was so much mom needed to do that her family depended on. Now it's not. Kids (the current justifcation) even have the audacity of turning out the same whether mom works or not. Pretending doesn't work here and it doesn't work for our kids. As an adult, if I want it, it's an easy fix. I can get a job where I contribute and bring home a paycheck that benefits my family and I've replaced my sense of purpose. What can my kids do? Where can they find this?
Uh, that's what I asked for suggestions on. I see the problem but don't know what to do about it. How do you recapture something as special as this in this day and age when so much of family dynamics have changed?
It's like trying to make being a stay at home mom important again. It used to be because there was so much mom needed to do that her family depended on. Now it's not. Kids (the current justifcation) even have the audacity of turning out the same whether mom works or not. Pretending doesn't work here and it doesn't work for our kids. As an adult, if I want it, it's an easy fix. I can get a job where I contribute and bring home a paycheck that benefits my family and I've replaced my sense of purpose. What can my kids do? Where can they find this?
Maybe YOU don't think being a stay at home mom is important. Maybe YOUR kids have issues about sense of purpose or whatever. I am challenging your blanket statements because they are not universally true I'm just not going to let this stuff go unchallenged and pass as truthful.
As a way to improve your individual situation, I suggest you and your family read 'The Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren.
It's like trying to make being a stay at home mom important again. It used to be because there was so much mom needed to do that her family depended on. Now it's not. Kids (the current justifcation) even have the audacity of turning out the same whether mom works or not. Pretending doesn't work here and it doesn't work for our kids.
I have to respectfully disagree with this. As already noted by a previous poster, that's a very broad blanket statement.
Frankly, I think you are over-analyzing your entire situation. Or maybe your children lack a sense of purpose, but I can't say the same for mine.
Uh, that's what I asked for suggestions on. I see the problem but don't know what to do about it. How do you recapture something as special as this in this day and age when so much of family dynamics have changed?
IMO, there is no answer that will satisfy you. You have an argument for every opinion that is put out by everyone. I truely do not understand what you are looking for.
We've all tried to help to no avail. All I can say is, good luck in finding what you are looking for.
We've changed the role of children greatly in the last 100 years. We've taken away the things they could do and find pride in when young and replaced them with crowning achievements like the ACT score in 11th grade or graduating at the top of their class in college which can be YEARS AWAY. Everything is a long term goal for them but they are short term thinkers. Children and teens live in NOW yet we push them to do things to help this future life they'll have. THAT unfortunately, also sets them up for disappoinment when the dream doesn't work out the way they planned (IMO a contributing factor in divorce rates and mid life crisis (did that even exist 100 years ago?))
I think you've hit on something important in this statement.
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I see the problem but don't know what to do about it. How do you recapture something as special as this in this day and age when so much of family dynamics have changed? 
I'm just not going to let this stuff go unchallenged and pass as truthful.
