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This past Sat my husbands parents offered to watch my daughter while we went to a dinner and a movie. On the way to dinner we got a hysterical call from his mother screaming on the phone that my husbands brother had died. At the time we had all thought he was at work, when they arrived home with my daughter they got a message asking why he hadn't shown up for work. When my MIL entered the room she witnessed my brother in law half slumped on his bed dead (drug overdose). In the shuffle of chaos and panic my daughter was left for a moment to call 911 and for my FIL to administer CPR. Unknown to them he had been passed already for at least 12 hours. My daughter witnessed him be pulled from the bed to the floor where my FIL was pumping his chest and hitting his face (in a trying to wake him slapping his cheeks manner). When it was realized that my daughter was in the door way it was too late, she was brought into a room and that's when we were called. I don't blame my in laws at all, no one knows how to act correctly in that situation.
My husband and I have tried the best we could to explain her uncle was sick and that he "doesn't live there anymore". We've used the word death and dead (we lost my husbands grandfather less than 3 months ago and understands he hasn't been around). We've gotten some books also. Her teacher has told us she has been extremely sensitive all week at school. She said my daughter sobs over little things (she can't find the red crayon or she couldn't get her water bottle lid open) Her teacher said they have been hugging her a lot and giving a lot of comfort and letting her sit on their lap for circle time etc.. We've tried to keep her schedule as close to normal as possible but we have also been closely involved with the funeral and all arraignments so some nights we are out past bedtime.
I have started, in the past two days, to noticed my daughter has begun this whining. When you ask her a question she will run away and whine in a corner, or tell you don't talk to her. This is new behavior, it seems almost like a regression behavior. She is also recounting events to us, but in a more violent manner than what happened (I can only come to the conclusion its how she perceived the events). She says " Grandad pulled "BIL" face to the ground and kept punching "BIL" in the face but he wouldn't wake up cause he's dead forever" I think at her angle the punching of the face comment was actually the CPR, the way the door way is she would have been looking from slightly behind and to the side of the event.
Needless to say I'm at a loss, especially with the school behavior. We've not had any problems with her at school this year and her teacher comments how completely out of character this is for her. She is a social butterfly (per her teacher) but this week is more whiny and emotional with the children instead of her normal fun self. I don't want to jump to extreme measures and put her in some kind of therapy if I can help it (although I would never hesitate) I think perhaps she doesn't understand the situation of what she saw. She told me she was scared, so I acknowledge how she felt, tell her it is okay that everyone was scare and that's okay. I tell her its okay to be sad , that we all are and its okay to cry and want hugs etc etc. I don't want her to keep reliving it by asking her to show me on a doll or something but I had thought maybe if she did I could talk her through what happened, on her level by showing her on the doll.. I dunno maybe I'm overthinking... please give me suggestions, advise, experiences anything please. I have people also telling me don't say anything she will forget. I feel like perhaps this as affected her deeply and ignoring the situation may bring up feelings of being scared later, like if my husband and I get a cold we are suddenly "sick" and going to die too.
If the school has a counselor, you might start there. Otherwise, in addition to that, she should probably see a child psychologist. Maybe family counseling will be recommended.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for what your child is going through.
I witnessed a violent accident and death 3 1/2 years ago. I and my co-workers tried everything to keep her alive. That face haunts me to this day, I think about her all the time, and it bothers me, very much, still.
I'm a grown adult. I never sought any therapy although everyone told me to do that.
I would try harder to keep her schedule the same. Let other people handle the funeral arrangements. It's important to be home with your daughter when you normally would be under these circumstances. Even though your husband's brother died, it's important for your husband and you to keep yourselves emotionally together when you're around your daughter. As hard as it is, grieve privately when she's not around. Make sure extended family members have their emotions in check if she visits them. I've seen way too many children forgotten during family grieving, and they weren't even children who witnessed the deaths.
I'd get her professional age appropriate therapy. Traumatic events shouldn't be left for small children to handle without professional help.
If the school has a counselor, you might start there. Otherwise, in addition to that, she should probably see a child psychologist. Maybe family counseling will be recommended.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for what your child is going through.
I agree with CHAINS, please notify the counselor, who can assist with problems at school.
IMHO, please take her to a child psychologist ASAP. In a situation like this, handling it correctly from the beginning will be a lot more successful than waiting to see if this will pass.
I am a retired elementary teacher with a Masters Degree in early childhood development. IMHO, it is likely that your daughter will be able to get over this fairly quickly with expert help. Now, "fairly quickly" may be a few weeks or a few months. But, without skilled, knowledgeable assistance it could become a serious, long term issue.
Good luck to you and your family. I am sorry for your loss.
I would try harder to keep her schedule the same. Let other people handle the funeral arrangements. It's important to be home with your daughter when you normally would be under these circumstances. Even though your husband's brother died, it's important for your husband and you to keep yourselves emotionally together when you're around your daughter. As hard as it is, grieve privately when she's not around. Make sure extended family members have their emotions in check if she visits them. I've seen way too many children forgotten during family grieving, and they weren't even children who witnessed the deaths.
I'd get her professional therapy. Traumatic events shouldn't be left for small children to handle without professional help.
I would try harder to keep her schedule the same. Let other people handle the funeral arrangements. It's important to be home with your daughter when you normally would be under these circumstances. Even though your husband's brother died, it's important for your husband and you to keep yourselves emotionally together when you're around your daughter. As hard as it is, grieve privately when she's not around. Make sure extended family members have their emotions in check if she visits them. I've seen way too many children forgotten during family grieving, and they weren't even children who witnessed the deaths.
I'd get her professional age appropriate therapy. Traumatic events shouldn't be left for small children to handle without professional help.
First of all truly sorry about your family went through. But your daughter has witnessed something terrible for that age. So asap arrange a child psychologist don't let this shock to stay inside her and ruin her future. I can imagine how shocked little child as well your in laws. I witnessed a bank robbery when I was 21 I saw a man killed bank manager. even now I am freaking out when I am going to a bank and many years I have seen the incident even I was under therapy. So don't take this as not serious. I was already a grown up but still I was shocked to death.So nothing to say about a little child.
Thankfully she was 4. I hardly remembered anything much at that age, and I'm sure this would apply for most people.
It would've been tremendously devastating if she were older than 7 though.
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