If you were a better mother....... (bi-polar, spanking, chores, clothes)
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A little busy right now so I only read the first two pages, but I have to say this before I take this home and read the responsed tonight from the rest of the forum members.
I don't care who you are and what you have done. You are the mother and the authoritative figure here, no matter how old or crippled. If my dd said things or did things like that to my wife (her mother) and continued to do so after the primary consequences, my ass would be in jail. There is no way I am going let any child of mine disrespect their mother like that. They can think I am hateful or whatever but they are only here for the ride 18 years. My wife is forever.
Thanks for all the support---having a broken spine and being told to "suck it up" is not my idea of being a martyr! How did I teach my dd to treat me like this---to the point of not picking something of the floor when I can't bend?
BTW, I guess I taught her all that when I nursed her through many illnesses, including multiple ear surgeries, and a car accident, I didn't stand there and mock her and say "suck it up>
Being a martyr is all about telling total strangers how bad you are treated by your own daughter. Many posts later I still believe you are acting like a martyr. When you stop seeking sympathy from everyone and decide to do something maybe we can help you by giving you ideas.
A little busy right now so I only read the first two pages, but I have to say this before I take this home and read the responsed tonight from the rest of the forum members.
I don't care who you are and what you have done. You are the mother and the authoritative figure here, no matter how old or crippled. If my dd said things or did things like that to my wife (her mother) and continued to do so after the primary consequences, my ass would be in jail. There is no way I am going let any child of mine disrespect their mother like that. They can think I am hateful or whatever but they are only here for the ride 18 years. My wife is forever.
Yep, your ass would be in jail, that's for sure.
I don't know how many of my posts you have read, but CPS has been along for about the entire ride. They encourage kids to complain about any little thing, they tell them "anytime anyone is making you uncomfortable, you tell somebody". That's a pretty braod definition---uncomfortable. then my kids are 'uncomfortable because I ask them tp pick up their clothes, etc, and, hey, I even YELL at them, after the 7-8th time I ask. My dd said last night I "asked her 5 times to pick up a cup" well, I shouldn't have to ask at all, after all, she lives here, this isn't the Hilton with 3x day maid service. But she's made several complaints to school about us, then school files a report to CPS, then we have to deal with that.
All that simply empowers the kid, they think their every whine is validated. If we were just allowed to raise our kids as we see fit, instead of having a state agency in our face every time we so much as sneeze the wrong way. For those of you who say they'd do this and that, well, go ahead, and have CPS all over you.
But what makes me wonder, what makes those of you offering all this "perfect parent" advice think we haven't tried your "tried and true" techniques? We've done all that and continue to do so, punishments, taking away priveleges, spankings, and yes, I YELL at them, and we've gone to counseling, 3 actually (oh, now someone will say we didn't give them a chance, but we spent a considerable amount of time and money with each) all to no avail. Counseling actually encourages disrespect, they egg them on. Last counselor I took my kids to filed yet another CPS report, what can you do if the kid sits there and lies and they choose to believe them?
I'm completely demoralized as a parent, and guess what? I'm more than that, I'm a human being, too, and right now I'm hurting like //ell and really don't have the inclination to be mommy perfect. Why can't dd simply pick up stuff she knocked over, or help me get a microwave meal from the counter to the table, without all the attitude? And then tell me I'm a lousey parent because I fell and hurt myself, therefore inconveniencing her. Hey, that's pretty self-centered, isn't it? Right now I don't give two cents about her "convenience" both kids have inconvenienced me a lot, and I postponed this surgery from last week to accomodate some of her activities, but I have to do it sometime. to tell me just "suck it up" is plain rotten, guess I should just never treat my back so she won't be "inconvenienced". Life doesn't always go in your direction, sweetie, she can SUCK IT UP~
Being a martyr is all about telling total strangers how bad you are treated by your own daughter. Many post later I still believe you are acting like a martyr. When you stop seeking sympathy from everyone and decide to do something maybe we can help you by giving you ideas.
Oh, but I'm not "being a martyr." If I was, I would, as my dd suggests, simply SUCK IT UP and suffer whatever to keep from inconveniencing her. But I'm choosing to seek treatment and the relief it brings. That's not a martyr. martyrs don't seek relief like I am.....so, guess you need some othe label for me.
Guess my whole purpose in this thread is how do you get and keep your kids respect? I've been told I don't deserve it, because w'eve both suffered a bout of unemployment. Hmmm...........during that time we kept ourselves financially afloat and maintained our standard of living, but that doesn't deserve respect? Guess I perhaps have hit the wrong target audience, perhaps none of you really have the respect of your children, either, maybe you just have the bragging rights!
I don't care who you are and what you have done. You are the mother and the authoritative figure here, no matter how old or crippled. If my dd said things or did things like that to my wife (her mother) and continued to do so after the primary consequences, my ass would be in jail. There is no way I am going let any child of mine disrespect their mother like that. They can think I am hateful or whatever but they are only here for the ride 18 years. My wife is forever.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII
Yep, your ass would be in jail, that's for sure.
I believe Mike means that he would put a fast stop to the daughter's behavior and what happens as a result, happens. No child has the right to talk to their parent like that and it is insane for a parent to allow it.
At first I was reading this thinking you were a single mom but then I saw somewhere back there that you mentioned "dh". What is he doing about this and where is he at while this is going on?
Mary, I teach 11-13 year olds all day so I know how they can be. They haven't a care in the world (majority of them that is).
Oh, but I'm not "being a martyr." If I was, I would, as my dd suggests, simply SUCK IT UP and suffer whatever to keep from inconveniencing her. But I'm choosing to seek treatment and the relief it brings. That's not a martyr. martyrs don't seek relief like I am.....so, guess you need some othe label for me.
Guess my whole purpose in this thread is how do you get and keep your kids respect? I've been told I don't deserve it, because w'eve both suffered a bout of unemployment. Hmmm...........during that time we kept ourselves financially afloat and maintained our standard of living, but that doesn't deserve respect? Guess I perhaps have hit the wrong target audience, perhaps none of you really have the respect of your children, either, maybe you just have the bragging rights!
Nowhere in my explanation did I mentioned that martyrs don't seek relief. A martyr will always find something to seek other people's sympathy.
First of all, this should NOT be about you. This is about your daughter...she's freaking 12, which means she's a child, and guess what she's acting like one. You want her to have sympathy and feel sorry for you, but somewhere down the line that ship sailed. We obviously do not know the whole story. I do know that if I would've acted like that at 12, my ***** would've been knocked out!
Someone said earlier that we teach people how to treat us. I agree completely..
Martyrs don't see themselves as martyrs either. I've known a few in my lifetime. And if you try to call them on it, they buck and get defensive, so there's no use there.
A change in approach could help, but from what I hear/read, this girl has some serious resentment against her mother, and it has nothing to do with a hurt back. It's deep, apparently and we're not getting the whole story. So I'll go all Dr. Phil on ya...you cannot change what you can't acknowledge...if she were a perfect child, man, you'd be glowing with credit on that one, but if she's being resentful and hateful, it's "what's HER problem." It's a thankless job, like NoExcuses said..and guess what? Her illnesses that you "nursed" her through...that's your friggin' job!!!! It's what you signed up for, baby, when you decided to have her. Like it or not, it comes with the territory. She's a child...don't make her have a job...meaning, don't make her "love" you and "help" you...obviously she's pretty darned hurt and resentful towards you. I dunno...maybe she's seen this before...and this is old hat.
Yeah, my mom was just like the OP. Everything was about her and she was always the victim. I was an honor student and didn't have an attitude until I was 12-13. My mom had a real martyr complex.
Every time we got in an argument, she had to get on the phone to her friends to complain about me. I would listen outside the door and listen to her dramatize and lie. When I hit her once, she didn't tell anyone this was in response to her beating me with a broom handle.
Of course, at that age, you are pretty powerless (this is what I think the root of the issue is, btw). You strike out with whatever weapons you have when you feel cornered. She called me a *itch (just like the OP) and accused me of being a prostitute (keep in mind this is when I was 12 and had yet to experience my first kiss).
I really didn't intend to just dump on everyone. I just wanted to make the point that there are two sides to every story.
Why are you fighting CPS? If despite your perfect mothering, your children are just pure evil (the kids you described ARE evil, hateful creatures), stop fighting the state. Admit to psychological abuse, or anything they claim, just to get them out. Stop buying them food and clothing. Let the state take them.
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