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Old 03-08-2010, 05:47 PM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,508 posts, read 5,493,132 times
Reputation: 3254

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Quote:
Originally Posted by SactoBankerGirl View Post
This is SO deja vu! I have BEEN the 12 year old girl before! I can tell you everything you want to know about her. My mom was a dead ringer for the OP.
Unfortunately I see a strong resemblance to my mom as well. She was/is a people user. When my mom would ask for something, if she saw the slightest hesitation, she would throw in...."But don't you love me?" Talk about a guilt trip!! My mom used up her friends too...much like OP is trying to do here on the message board. She didn't have friends very long....they soon figured out that there was not enough friendship to feed her need. But I do remember the endless phone calls, complaining about my dad, complaining about us kids.....not that she didn't have anything to complain about but it was never her....always us. She even would complain about bad sex to her friends!!
Poor me, poor me, poor me.....sums up my moms life to this day. Two of her kids won't speak to her at all, one of them and another is seriously dysfunctional as well. She and dad have been separated for more than 15 years and she's been alone for most of those years. I'm the only one who saw the bigger picture early on and made it out. The only way I manage now is with some serious walls and boundaries in place....I won't be used as I once was. It's a very toxic environment.

I only hope OP's kids find the strength to endure the next few years and then build healthy and stable lives for themselves.

OP, why don't you see if you can get your daughter a Big Sister....it did wonders for me. I got a chance to see the real world outside of our dysfunctional home, I found hope and that changed my entire outlook. I learned respect for others and myself. It may be a positive influence for your daughter as well.

Youth organization - Mentoring Programs from Big Brothers Big Sisters
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Old 03-08-2010, 05:51 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,410 posts, read 17,192,350 times
Reputation: 11790
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Yep, your ass would be in jail, that's for sure.

I don't know how many of my posts you have read, but CPS has been along for about the entire ride. They encourage kids to complain about any little thing, they tell them "anytime anyone is making you uncomfortable, you tell somebody". That's a pretty braod definition---uncomfortable. then my kids are 'uncomfortable because I ask them tp pick up their clothes, etc, and, hey, I even YELL at them, after the 7-8th time I ask. My dd said last night I "asked her 5 times to pick up a cup" well, I shouldn't have to ask at all, after all, she lives here, this isn't the Hilton with 3x day maid service. But she's made several complaints to school about us, then school files a report to CPS, then we have to deal with that.

All that simply empowers the kid, they think their every whine is validated. If we were just allowed to raise our kids as we see fit, instead of having a state agency in our face every time we so much as sneeze the wrong way. For those of you who say they'd do this and that, well, go ahead, and have CPS all over you.

But what makes me wonder, what makes those of you offering all this "perfect parent" advice think we haven't tried your "tried and true" techniques? We've done all that and continue to do so, punishments, taking away priveleges, spankings, and yes, I YELL at them, and we've gone to counseling, 3 actually (oh, now someone will say we didn't give them a chance, but we spent a considerable amount of time and money with each) all to no avail. Counseling actually encourages disrespect, they egg them on. Last counselor I took my kids to filed yet another CPS report, what can you do if the kid sits there and lies and they choose to believe them?

I'm completely demoralized as a parent, and guess what? I'm more than that, I'm a human being, too, and right now I'm hurting like //ell and really don't have the inclination to be mommy perfect. Why can't dd simply pick up stuff she knocked over, or help me get a microwave meal from the counter to the table, without all the attitude? And then tell me I'm a lousey parent because I fell and hurt myself, therefore inconveniencing her. Hey, that's pretty self-centered, isn't it? Right now I don't give two cents about her "convenience" both kids have inconvenienced me a lot, and I postponed this surgery from last week to accomodate some of her activities, but I have to do it sometime. to tell me just "suck it up" is plain rotten, guess I should just never treat my back so she won't be "inconvenienced". Life doesn't always go in your direction, sweetie, she can SUCK IT UP~
BUT there is a lot you can do without crossing the line to what CPS will object to. You don't have to give your kids a cell phone, cable TV or internet access. You have to give them a roof over their heads and a bed to sleep in but a mattress on a floor will suffice. You don't have to give them a car to drive or rides to the mall. You have to give them clothes but they can come from the Salvation army store. You have to feed them dinner but liver and onions counts.

STOP giving them anything extra. Cancel the cell phone. Cancel cable. Cancel their allowances. Make them pack their lunches for school or go hungry. Cook what you like for dinner and if they don't like it, tough. Don't buy mac and cheese, chips, pop or any other treats. Buy healthy vegetables and fruits. STOP catering to them.

If my daughter treated me like this, she'd find her bedroom reduced to a mattress on the floor and her wardrobe donated to the salvation army except for two outfits for school. Her cell phone would be turned off, the internet would be turned off and cable would be cancelled. She'd have the bare minimum. No PS2, no IPOD (can't charge the thing wihtout a computer), no allowance, no rides to the mall, she'd eat whatever I wanted for dinner or go hungry.

I have to find the parents bill of rights email I got a while back. It was pretty good.
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Old 03-08-2010, 05:53 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
22,410 posts, read 17,192,350 times
Reputation: 11790
DON'T MESS WITH MOM

My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.

"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toes.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D."

Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."

I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."

He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D.?
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Old 03-08-2010, 06:27 PM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,508 posts, read 5,493,132 times
Reputation: 3254
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
You have to give them a roof over their heads and a bed to sleep in but a mattress on a floor will suffice.
The sherriff's office here will tell you that all you need to provide is a roof of some sort...the porch roof, the shed roof are just as good as the house roof (I'm sure that's weather dependent). The kids have to be allowed access to facilities and fed....but if you want to banish your kid to the front porch with a sleeping bag our sheriff will back you up!!

We've never had to go that far but our kids have slept on the hallway floor with a sleeping bag....a bedroom and bed are a privilege in this house. It was a long time ago but a night on a hardwood floor makes them appreciate what they've got come morning, LOL!!!
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Old 03-08-2010, 07:09 PM
 
749 posts, read 1,098,868 times
Reputation: 916
Quote:
Originally Posted by sskkc View Post
Why are you fighting CPS? If despite your perfect mothering, your children are just pure evil (the kids you described ARE evil, hateful creatures), stop fighting the state. Admit to psychological abuse, or anything they claim, just to get them out. Stop buying them food and clothing. Let the state take them.

But then what would there be to complain about?

Oh boy have I known 1 or 2 people like this. Nothing is ever their fault and "I am so pitiful please feel sorry for me", and if you don't then you are the lowest life-form on the planet. My father is one of these people. They are no fun to be around and you will never convince them that they are a big part of the problem.

I was sent to counseling beginning at age 5, because I needed to be "fixed". There was something wrong with me because I did not suffer in silence and fear like my sisters. When it was suggested, that my parents take part in the counseling and that their parenting could use some help, well then that counselor was crap and didn't know what they were talking about. Then we moved on to the next one.

I do pity the girl because I have lived that life also. I'm sure these kinds of remarks just enrage the OP something fierce but maybe she will find that she is at least part of the problem someday and try to change before she becomes a lonely old woman with no one on earth that cares.
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Old 03-08-2010, 09:47 PM
 
7,826 posts, read 9,437,915 times
Reputation: 13995
I do think this family needs much more help than CD can provide, but I have to wonder if the OP ever sat down and tried to talk to her daughter about why she is acting the way she is.

Peer pressure is tough in middle school, and not having the things her friends have can be hard to deal with. Instead of paying a cleaning service, why don't you offer your daughter $50.00 a week to do the job? It probably won't be as perfect, but would provide the daughter with not only spending money, but a chance to grow up a little.
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Old 03-08-2010, 10:03 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 2,656,783 times
Reputation: 2107
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I do think this family needs much more help than CD can provide, but I have to wonder if the OP ever sat down and tried to talk to her daughter about why she is acting the way she is.

Peer pressure is tough in middle school, and not having the things her friends have can be hard to deal with. Instead of paying a cleaning service, why don't you offer your daughter $50.00 a week to do the job? It probably won't be as perfect, but would provide the daughter with not only spending money, but a chance to grow up a little.
Whoa!!!! No child who lives in a house with family needs to be paid for doing chores. Her payment is living in the house with family. It's being fed, clothed, and a place to sleep. Nobody pays mom for keeping the house clean or being a taxi service for the kids or anything else.

People don't get paid for being in a family.
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Old 03-08-2010, 10:20 PM
 
Location: NJ
2,203 posts, read 4,346,236 times
Reputation: 2070
This whole thread is useless, one persons rant. We have no objective insight into the family dynamic and no window onto the childs perspective.
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Old 03-08-2010, 10:25 PM
 
Location: Right where I want to be.
4,508 posts, read 5,493,132 times
Reputation: 3254
Mattie, you have some genuine thoughts and ideas but if you read OP's many 'family' threads you'll see the same things....she doesn't like or love her children. She describes her son the same way...she calls him names, says he is an abusive, mean, hateful kid and she can't figure out how he got that way. A 12 year old may not even be able to sort out all of the feelings and thoughts living in such an environment causes so she simply reacts instead. I have no doubt that she could get to a point of being able to express herself but mom has to do a lot of fence mending before daughter would feel safe having that conversation.
The situations are not identical but I didn't talked to my mom about what I was feeling....it always turned into a conversation about her anyway. In the end she would blame me for feeling the way I did or offer a lame apology like "I'm sorry I'm such a bad mother." or "I'm sorry I can't give you everything you need." I think that's the only way she can relate to people.
I believe it is a form of mental illness of some sort...she's been to enough docs over the years it's hard to tell just which diagnosis might be right. She only started that after the kids were all grown and gone and there was no one to give her constant attention....all of a sudden she had bi-polar and PTSD and multiple personalities..... When she wore off one diagnosis she just went to another doctor.

As for cleaning the house, normally I'd agree with NoExcuses but that's a compromise I'd be willing to make to mend the relationship. These aren't normal circumstances. However, like having the heart to heart conversation, it won't work unless mom mends her fences first.

Last edited by NCyank; 03-08-2010 at 10:33 PM..
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Old 03-08-2010, 10:26 PM
 
7,826 posts, read 9,437,915 times
Reputation: 13995
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
Whoa!!!! No child who lives in a house with family needs to be paid for doing chores. Her payment is living in the house with family. It's being fed, clothed, and a place to sleep. Nobody pays mom for keeping the house clean or being a taxi service for the kids or anything else.

People don't get paid for being in a family.
Well, that isn't working out is it? I see nothing wrong with paying a kid to do extra work. Whenever my car needs washing, I always offer one of mine the chance to make $20.00 rather than taking it to the car wash.

This girl wants what her friends have, her parents want the house clean, why not? It might make her appreciate the effort that goes into keeping a house clean, and the OP is already paying to have somebody else do it.
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