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Old 03-07-2010, 10:36 PM
 
5,511 posts, read 6,684,904 times
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I've had a rocky relationship with both my children for about the last 2 years. Its a long story, we've been to counseling, I think the counseling just makes matters worse, it just encourages both kids to be negative towards me.

Well, anyways, about 5 weeks ago I fell and injured my back. I was looking for my cat, tripped and fell and fractured my lower spine, about 4 sacral fractures. They said to wait and see if it heals, but its getting worse. The pain is excuriating, and the effectiveness of pain pills is wearing off. In short, I'm in agony.

neither kid shows any compassion, and won't do the simplest of things to help. I asked my dd to pick up something from the floor, she said "doctor says you can, you just don't want to" then flounced off. Since then I got a grab it stick comes in handy, but still difficult to cope with that remark.


I asked (literally begged) dd to get me something to eat, just microwave something, she said "get it yourself". I managed to get something in the microwave, then asked her to carry it to the table, she said "if you can get it in the microwave, you can get it to the table" although the table is across the room, the fridge and microwave are right next to each other. And I was using a walker at the time.

And so on, basically, she won't do a thing to help, unless it somehow helps her, ie, she will go shopping for me, I give her a list and the debit card. But otherwise, she won't do squat.

I'm having surgery on my back on Tuesday, a sacroplasty, in another city. We leave Monday night for the surgery Tuesday, I stay overnight Tues, then come back Wed, so she's out of school Tues & Wed, that's all.

Tonight she said "if you were a better mother you wouldn't have hurt your back". Whaaa.................just what did I do to deserve such a crack? she said if I didn't go looking for the cat, I wouldn't have fallen and hurt myself, thus inconveniencing everyone. Sweetie, accidents happen, it doesn't mean the victim somehow deserves it. And she's not being inconvenienced, not that much, anyways. She won't do squat around the house, could care less if I drop dead, and *itches she's being "inconvenienced".

BTW, she's 12, but please don't tell me she's going through a "phase" What phase, being hateful and rotten and self-centered? she actually said I didn't need the surgery, I'd live without it, its just pain, so what? I'd like to see her live with this pain, and the condition is progressing, the fractures have actually spread, like a hairline crack on a windshield. If not taken care of soon, it will progress.

Then she said "nobody likes that dumb old cat but you". We have 5 cats, this one, the one I went to get and fell in the process, happens to be my favorite, but where does she get that "nobody likes him?" Seems like she just wanted to throw any hurtful remark she could.

I'm still having my surgery, simply because I need it, case closed. Waiting will only make things worse. But how could she have said something like that---if you were a better mother you wouldn't have hurt yourself?

The surgery is enough of a stress, along with having to travel out of town, along with the financial stress--our OOP is about $5000. Then to have her get downright hateful is just too much. My dh said to just ignore her (if you can ignore such remarks) and get myback taken care of, regardless of any relatively minor "inconveniences" I might cause her, after all, look at all the "inconveniences" she causes me, that's just life. Its just so hard to take such remarks, I feel we will never have a mother-daughter relationship again, she's just been plain too hurtful and mean to ever feel right about her again. Nothing like kicking a person when they're down, especially your mother!
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Old 03-07-2010, 11:49 PM
 
Location: In the Axis of Time
164 posts, read 193,464 times
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How did it get to this point?
Must be horrible.
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Old 03-08-2010, 12:09 AM
 
5,511 posts, read 6,684,904 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tnt-User View Post
How did it get to this point?

Must be horrible.

How did it get to this point? I don't have a pat answer, except it just happened all at once, one day my dd just despised me, it started the day she started middle school, then she decided she was "too cool" for her mother, but her hatefulness has just grown.

Just now she knocked down some laundry I'd hung to dry, I asked her to pick it up, she said no, that's not her problem, why don't I? Because I have a broken spine, she said so what, its not impossible for you to pick it up, just painful, that's your problem, not mine, I don't care if you suffer pain, so what, even though she had knocked it down to begin with.

Even for someone without a back problem, common courtesty would deem you'd pick up something of their's you;d knocked down. She complains about me constantly, has made complaints to CPS, we've have so many social workers out it I've lost track. She makes up stuff, she has a decent home, for example, she will just be sitting there doing nothing, I ask her to help with some laundry, then she says she'd doing her homework, which she hasn't begun, then tells them at school she can't finish her homework becauseI "make her do housework" What a load of horse crap---we hire a cleaning service, all I ask of her is to pick up after herself, that's abuse? hey, why not send her to foster care, I'll bet they won't ask her to pick up after herself there!

Part of this is the system encourages children to make complaints about their parents, CPS is constantly coming to schools, saying things like "if anybody makes you uncomfortable, you tell somebody" with only a vague definition of what "uncomfortable" is, guess that means picking up your clothes off the floor? Then the kids are encouraged to make complaints. Schools want the parents to support them and often lament lack of support from the home, but they fail to support the parents and are oftentimes instrumental in encouraging the kids to actually vilify their own parents, just so counselors and CPS can have something to do!
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Old 03-08-2010, 01:14 AM
 
5,511 posts, read 6,684,904 times
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I'm not "deluding" myself when I say it seemed to have happened overnight. Of course, it must have been brewing for quite sometime, but just seemed to explode all at once.

counseling seems to fuel it. After a counseling session, my dd called their crisis line and told them I'd tried to drown her in the bathtub, police came out, first I knew when I found the tub full. There was just something on Tv about Andrea Yates, the woman who drown her children, the kids commented on it, that must have put the idea in her head.

The whole thing was so ridiculous, she's 5'6", with a very athletic, muscular build, star in volleyball and soccer, while I'm about 5'3" with severe rheumatoid arthritis and can barely hobble around, let alone drown anyone. Obviously they didn't believe it for an instant, especially when they fund her bone dry sitting in the LR.

She knows all CPS cases must be investigated, so she makes up incredible crap just to keep it going. If this continues I'm looking at bringing charges against her for making false reports.

Tonight she said so what if she knocked my laundry over, I could pick it up, its not physicaly impossible, just painful, my pain isn't her problem, just suck it up.

When did she become so analytical? From this day forth she can "suck it up" I told her never to go to the nurses office with a headache or stomache ache, just suck it up. If its life threatening they will call 911, otherwise, suck it up!!!

Whe I think of all I've done for her, including nursing her through 4 ear surgeries, that were very expensive and "inconvenient' so she could have perfect hearing, well, I didn't have to, she could have just "sucked it up" with hearing aids, etc.

Honestly, she's turned plain mean on me. So I'm going to Houston to have a procedure done on my spine, so some people will miss their daily routine for 2-3 days, so what? I have a spine borken in 6 places, excruiating pain, that's not something I choose to live with, they can "suck it up" while I have my back repaired. She said I did not have a spinal fracture, well, then what do I have?

I've decided to just take the path of least resistance with her, do what I legally have to and nothing more. She can "suck it up". What a rotten thing to say to someone suffering extreme pain, seeking relief, being told to suck it up, your pain is not my problem, I won't help you so much as pick up an item off the floor,..................life isn't through with her yet. She might just suffer pain and know what its all about, then I can tell her to "suck it up".
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Old 03-08-2010, 01:27 AM
 
5,511 posts, read 6,684,904 times
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As I'm up late tonight getting ready for my surgery and trip to Houston, its hard to do with all the overwhelming emotions one usually has before surgery, fear of the unknown, anxiety over they proveduce, fear it won't be successful, then to have a 12-year old girl tell you to "suck it up" and not "inconvenience people" and just live my life with pain because its my problem, not everyone elses, why make it everyone elses?

Geez, that's nice. Thanks for the support during a difficult time. Why did she get this way She's plain hateful!
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Old 03-08-2010, 01:36 AM
 
Location: Sacramento
2,395 posts, read 4,093,679 times
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I gave up reading your posts. I sounds to me like you like being a martyr. You teach people how to treat you.
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Old 03-08-2010, 05:17 AM
 
Location: Texas
14,023 posts, read 9,952,917 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by suzie02 View Post
I gave up reading your posts. I sounds to me like you like being a martyr. You teach people how to treat you.

I was thinking the same thing. While I'm sorry the OP has that physical problem, this comment struck me as significant, especially when taken with the rest of them:

"being hateful and rotten and self-centered?"

They learned that from someone.
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Old 03-08-2010, 06:36 AM
 
4,784 posts, read 8,033,028 times
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I find it interesting that you say your dh just advises you to ignore her. I suspect she's been ignored in general for a long time, and she's acting out as a way of getting attention. Since there are no consequences to her behavior, I don't think your relationship will be improving any time soon.
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Old 03-08-2010, 10:15 AM
 
5,511 posts, read 6,684,904 times
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Thanks for all the support---having a broken spine and being told to "suck it up" is not my idea of being a martyr! How did I teach my dd to treat me like this---to the point of not picking something of the floor when I can't bend?

BTW, I guess I taught her all that when I nursed her through many illnesses, including multiple ear surgeries, and a car accident, I didn't stand there and mock her and say "suck it up>
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Old 03-08-2010, 10:19 AM
 
5,511 posts, read 6,684,904 times
Reputation: 6648
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillkit View Post
I was thinking the same thing. While I'm sorry the OP has that physical problem, this comment struck me as significant, especially when taken with the rest of them:

"being hateful and rotten and self-centered?"

They learned that from someone.
You're assuming that's from me---you don't know all the times I've nursed her through surgeries, a car accident, and numerous other illnesses, major and minor. I'm certainly not the one who taught her to view a sick or injured person with disdain and contempt.

I have no intention of "sucking it up" when I can barely walk and in unbearable pain, not when there's a procedure that can help, no more than I expected my dd to go through life with < 50% hearing when there was a procedure that could bring her hearing back to normal, along with relieve the terrible headaches she suffered. Guess I did the wrong thing, should have told her to "suck it up", after all, she migh have inconvenienced me for a few days, heaven forbid!
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