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My 19 yr old has just moved back home after being gone for the past 10 months. Before moving back, we had a long discussion about how things were going to be and my expectations of her. She's been home aweek now and already driving me crazy. She needs a job, claims to be looking for one, yet, I have no idea if she is or not. Seems like all we discussed was fine until she got here. Anyone else deal with this before? If so, help please!!!!!!!
Well I don't have my own teens but I did take in a troubled teen just before she turned 18 so what I did may apply here. I asked her what kind of work she wanted to do and then I looked at the employment ads and set up interviews which I drove her to. Then she took a job...but I doubt she would have taken one as soon as she did if I hadn't taken control of the situation in that way. Now she also had many other problems that we worked on while she was here, and I mostly pushed her into doing all the things she needed to do. She did however turn out to do fine, we both learned a lot and she has been independently supporting herself for two years now. Sometimes the push they need is you doing the legwork for them. Good luck to you both.
Or give her a deadline to find that job- sounds like she might not be able to afford being picky- fast food restaurants are always hiring.
I think you need to set very clear boundaries and demand that she stick with them. Irishmom's advice is good- but it might be somewhat enabling. I don't know your daughter's background- is it necessary to hold her hand like this or is she just being lazy?
I have 19 year old son, who I would probably kill before letting him back into live with me. When he comes to visit from College, I am ready for him to leave after 2 days so I feel your pain....
I agree with the above posters. You must set your quidelines and boundaries very quickly and follow through. I know I am quilty of sometimes enabling him and so he knows that mommy will pull through. It's rough, but tough love will work.
Did you just "talk" about her getting a job - or did you sit down with her and make her sign a family agreement (like a contract) - it's an adult thing to do and she should be responsible enough to handle it.
YOu might need to have a sit down with her and go over a contract and see how she will "negoitate" - this is a good way to know what she's doing - what's in her head, and what SHE thinks her timeline is. Come to a mutual agreement!
Did you just "talk" about her getting a job - or did you sit down with her and make her sign a family agreement (like a contract) - it's an adult thing to do and she should be responsible enough to handle it.
YOu might need to have a sit down with her and go over a contract and see how she will "negoitate" - this is a good way to know what she's doing - what's in her head, and what SHE thinks her timeline is. Come to a mutual agreement!
I just created a family contract with my 14 year old. His summer vacation was coming and he was being lazy and very argumentative and this was suggested to me.
I created a list of expectations with privileges he earns for following rules and specific punishments he suffers for not following them. And the punishment escalates each time he breaks a rule.
Two weeks later and it works like a charm- he does his chores, and has been more respectful and less combative with me.
I don't know how well this specific contract would work with a 19 year old but I would be glad to e mail it to you if you'd like to see it. I used an example provided to me by someone else as a guideline. PM if you'd like to see it.
I had a somewhat similiar situation with my son a few years back. He had just completed him first year of college, being on his own, being his own "boss" while away at school. Prior to his arriving back home for the summer, I too, briefly mentioned to him that he was moving back HOME for the summer; underscoring the fact that "home" was not the same as living in a dorm! The first two weeks were rather interesting. While he has always been an exceptionally reasonable and mature kid, that initial transition period when he first came back home was interesting...He wasn't happy about the fact that he felt that his "independence" and "autonomy" were suddenly being underminded by his mother...I reiterated to him what the ground rules were, reminded him that he was NOT living in a dorm while home, and stuck to the boundaries that I had set.
Personally, I think they initiallly find it difficult to return home after having experienced that sense of "I-am-on-my-own-with-no-one-to-set-limits-for-me" except themselves! My son initially pushed the boundaries, (or at least attempted to) up to the point that I said "Enough!" --At which point, I told him that while I understood how difficult it was for him to make the transition back home for the summer, that he either had to comply with the "rules" or he would not be returning to school in the fall. That did the trick! It was really a readjustment/maturity issue, which in his case, (mercifully!) was short lived. I was very clear in conveying to him that if he could not live at home for three months acting in a reasonable, mature manner, that he obviously wasn't mature enough to return to school in the fall...He certainly did not like hearing that, but after two weeks, all was well.
They test the boundaries after returning home, following their initial "taste" of psuedo-indepenence. In your case, with the employment issue with your daughter, I would approach her and say: "You have now been home for X number of weeks, you say that you have been looking for a job, but this still remains an issue. I have been patient with you about this, but am telling you that you now have ten days to find employment." You need to inform her what the consequence will be if she doesn't find a job after the set time period, and stick to that. There ARE jobs out there for kids; ;they may not like working at Burger King, but it does provide them with a pay check! Good luck. Temporary ups and downs are part of the game, and hopefully, only temporary!
Ive always had a job since i was 13 or so so ive not experienced this with my parents. But my friend did When his dad got ticked off when he didnt get a job he put him through hard labour at home to earn his rent. 8 hours a day he was doing laundry, cleaning, re cleaning, building a fence, building a shed. Needless to say after a month he had a job.
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When his dad got ticked off when he didnt get a job he put him through hard labour at home to earn his rent. 8 hours a day he was doing laundry, cleaning, re cleaning, building a fence, building a shed. Needless to say after a month he had a job.
