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Old 03-13-2010, 06:05 AM
Location: Jonquil City (aka Smyrna) Georgia- by Atlanta
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You may have heard about the 40 year old teacher who married a 16 year old student. I often wonder what 2 people this far apart in age have in common that would make them be able to get along in the world of love.
My own daughter started seeing an 18 year old when she was 15 and I was not real happy with that and, while not banning it (which would have done no good anyway), I simply told her that even though it was "only" 3 years, my feeling was that she had little in common with him because she was in high school and he was an adult in the Army.
Well it is now over 3 years later and she is still "seeing" him although she is in college now and he is in Iraq. The relationship seems less alarming now than it did 3 1/2 years ago and, to be honest, he seems to be a pretty nice and decent kid. I had to tell him to quit calling me "sir" because he made me feel like an old man.
So the question is, how do you handle it when your teen daughter brings home somebody of adult age? What if he were 19? Or 40?
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Old 03-13-2010, 07:42 AM
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Be happy he's respectful and she brings him home.

My daughter has a friend who is 17. The the girl is seeing two men who are both 21. She sneaks out in the night to see them and meets them both secretly.

She has another friend who is 16 who is seeing a very nice 19 year old. She sneaks around to see him as well, although he is (according to my daughter) nicest guy she has ever been out with. The others were her age but not nice boys at all (sex, drugs, etc.).
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Old 03-13-2010, 08:44 AM
Location: USA
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There's a huge chasm between 19 and 40.......
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Old 03-13-2010, 10:42 AM
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My cousin's daughters married older men. They were just out of high school and married older men. Both men are police officers. One husband was 29 and the other was 32. My cousin said the age difference bothered her at first, but the silver lining was that her daughters never struggled financially raising their families like most do early in marriage. And these marriages endured to the test of time---they both have been happily married for over 10 years. My cousin also attributes that to their marrying emotionally mature men who were financially established. Of course, she came to that conclusion after-the-fact.

But 40? That's just incomprehensible.
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Old 03-13-2010, 11:29 AM
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I don't allow my kids to date at all until age 16 but encourage them to wait until even older. If they date at 16, they have to bring along a friend or go on group dates and that should keep the old ones away.
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Old 03-13-2010, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
But 40? That's just incomprehensible.
The OP said his daughter was 15 and the boy was 18 when they started going together, now they are 19 and 22 and still together.

I have two nieces who are 24 and 26. They are BOTH going with men who are 42. One is a ski bum and the other is a business and homeowner.

Both girls have college degrees. The younger of the two is with the ski bum.
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Old 03-13-2010, 11:39 AM
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When one is talking about a 20 yr. differences between ages of the girl and the man there are problems:

The girl involved likely is looking for self-affirmation and the benefits that a mature man can bring to a relationship, like $$, status, being able to take her out for a nicer time/fancy dinners, etc... that she cannot find with boys her own age. There may be self-esteem issues. The girl does not see that this man has already lived a life, likely had kids, and is now looking for a relationship with little responsibility. SHe does not see that very likely, the man is looking to take advantage of her is one way or the other, be it his ability to "control" her, sex, or simply by manipulating her possible low self-esteem. The girl also cannot see that the older man, liekely already having been through a divorce, is wasting the valueable window, for her to have a marriage and children, if she wants them. If the girl has a "helper" personality she is probably convinced that she alone can "fix" the older guy with her love and that they will live "happily ever after". She does not have the age or experience to recognize patterns of irresponsible/bad behavior in an older man's life. Instead, she accepts his previous life experience at face value, as he chooses to relay it, which may be far from reality. Young girls are easy targets, easy for an older man to impress.

In high school it is definitely a status and populatity thing when a freshman or younger dates an older "high school" boy or senior with some social/sports popularity of his own.

just this gal's opinion.....been there, done that, am sorry I did.
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Old 03-13-2010, 12:31 PM
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You can't simply look at age alone, however the issue with a teenager being involved with someone much older is more of a concern than someone in their 20's with someone much older.

There are plenty of relationships with very large age gaps that are wonderful and long lasting, so the age difference is of no concern.

I have a friend who at 16 married a man that was 15 years older and had children almost as old as she. They've been married now for 34 years. I thought she was nuts at the time, however it's been a perfect match for them. Not that it matters, but as a side note she never had any children of her own with him, just helped raise his as hers too.

I have another friend whose son is soon to be 24 but there is no way he'd match up well with anyone his own age. He needs someone several years younger. He's always been behind his age emotionally, academically and socially. Perhaps one day that will change, but so far he's meshed well only with those quite a bit younger.

So, I'd have to see two people together before saying that's too much of an age difference.
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Old 03-13-2010, 02:46 PM
Location: Michigan
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Originally Posted by KevK View Post
So the question is, how do you handle it when your teen daughter brings home somebody of adult age? What if he were 19? Or 40?
40-year-old former teacher marries 16-year-old student | WWAY NewsChannel 3 | Wilmington NC News
Age is just a number. If they like each other enough to date, it doesn't matter if YOU don't understand what they have enough in common; it isn't about YOU.

Now, I would hit the roof over the fact that she was dating someone in the Army (vomit), not over any age difference.
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Old 03-13-2010, 06:46 PM
Location: Land of debt and Corruption
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A 40 and 16 year old is far different from 15 and 18. I was 15 when I started dating the person I would later marry at the age of 23. He was 18 when we first began dating, so the exact same age range as your daughter and her boyfriend. I'm happy to report that we are still together and happily married 23 years later at 38 and 41. We are soulmates.
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