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Old 06-04-2007, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Vermont
22 posts, read 75,784 times
Reputation: 16

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So my husband an I have been together for over 6 years but only got married a few months ago. From the time I sent out the wedding announcements, my stepdaughter (19) has been throwing a complete hissy fit. Calling the house telling us that she didn't want us to get married, telling her father that if we got married she wouldn't love him any more and on and on. Up until a few weeks ago, I have stepped aside and tried to let my husband deal with her. After her latest bouts of hissy fits and phone calls I finally emailed her (she won't accept my phone calls) and asked her to stop all of this, I told her to spend more time with her dad and stop throwing these constant fits. Needless to say that went over very poorly. My husband then started to turn her tantrum calls around on me and starting arguements. At first I sat there with my jaw on the floor and then I started to get angry and scared that she was having this kind of effect on our relationship.
After our last big blow out I told him I had enough! And that this problem was obviously bigger then the both of us, I contacted a marriage counselor who specializes in blended families and made an appt. At first my husband was fine with that, now he says that I need to be the adult, I need to find a way to be friends with his daughter, I am completely in the wrong and finally he is not going to a counselor when he knows that he is not wrong, it is me!
Now I plan on going to the counselor for myself, I think I could use some guidence in all of this, but I am so angry! So frustrated with him that he has stopped communicating with me about anything of importance, that he would truly rather avoid all of this until it is too late. I am so desperate to find solutions or at least be able to talk about this and not have an arguement. I even told him that I am so wrong then he NEEDS to go to the counselor with me to explain this to him to better help me...NOPE! I also told him that obviously his daughter was have some issues and that he ought to spend more quality time with her, maybe once a week just the two of them...Guess what! NOPE! He really doesn't want to spend that kind of time her. That makes me feel like I am going to be the scape goat in all of this, with a failed marriage to boot!!

Help me!
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Old 06-04-2007, 03:03 PM
 
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 7,768,904 times
Reputation: 2214
I guess things aren't getting any better on this yet? Have you been to the counselor?
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Old 06-04-2007, 03:34 PM
 
Location: Sandpoint, ID
3,110 posts, read 9,047,768 times
Reputation: 2496
Wow. He needs to grow a pair and deal with his daughter. ANY time a spouse won't go with you to counseling because "there's nothing wrong with ME!" is a huge red flag. I wouldn't marry that type of person until you get this issue resolved since it's indicative (from my perspective) of how things will go any time things may get tough in the future. "Sure honey, you feel free to go to counseling....I won't be going since I'm feeling fine"....
__________________
Regards,

Sage
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Old 06-04-2007, 04:12 PM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 2,310,643 times
Reputation: 685
Thank you for your post...one more story that makes me glad I live with my cats...

I have to say that I would have had ZERO tolerance if a man were to talk that kind of smack to me...
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Old 06-04-2007, 04:17 PM
 
Location: Weston, FL and Vero Beach, Fl
2,942 posts, read 11,845,578 times
Reputation: 2051
Go through your counsling sessions alone so that you can regain your coping skills and perspective. I know this has come like a bolt of lightening and just the sheer shock of it all is daunting. These sessions will allow you to step back and reassess the situation and from there you can make sound decisions.

From where I am sitting, it sounds like your husband has gone into ostriche mode. He doesn't want to engage which leaves you feeling like he isn't there for you and he isn't. The daughter is jealous and yet it sounds like he doesn't see her all that often? Not sure.

Let things cool off - more for you than anyone else. When the daughter calls, who does she talk to? Does she have these tantrums with her father? Please explain a bit more on this. More than anything, the more emotional you get and the more you respond to her tantrums the worse it will be. This is a difficult situtation for sure - go to your counseling sessions and don't concern yourself whether your husband wants to go or not.
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Old 06-04-2007, 09:49 PM
 
3,020 posts, read 22,876,690 times
Reputation: 2683
Default I would just dial the daughter out......

If that is the way, she wants to be, nothing you can do about it.

Just put her on ignore. Have zero communications with her, try to patch things up with the DH and agree the two of you will not discuss her. Allow him to do with her whatever he sees fit.

I would tend to guess he is also wearing a bit thin with her. If you continue to be in the crosshairs, then you will be be focus of whatever she wants to fuss about.

Simply dial her out, I guess she does not live with you folks. So what is the worse she can do??? Hey, lots of peeps have folks they do not deal with it. I even got a couple of relatives like that, we just agree to disagree, we all ignore each other.

Once the daughters fits do not get the expected results, she might even have to be sane or be gone. Even daddies only have so much patience.
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Old 06-04-2007, 10:57 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles
644 posts, read 3,047,617 times
Reputation: 332
Cosmic,

Good for you. See a counselor and get some support. You need to take care of yourself. Why is your husband allowing his daughter to treat you like this? Why is he not setting boundaries? This girl is 19 years old. She is an adult. She should be out living her own life and not interfering with that of her father. You are his partner, his wife. This girl is acting like a spoiled brat and it's his fault for not being the man of the house and putting his foot down.

In the meantime, ignore her completely. Tell your husband you do not want her in the house unless she can learn to be respectful. Hang up on her when she calls and rants or tell her to reach her father on his private cell phone number. If your husband can not understand this, then you need to rethink this marriage.

And yes, go to counseling on your own. I think you want your husband to go so he'll wake up and smell the coffee and change his behavior. We can't change other people. You need to work on yourself right now.

Artie
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Old 06-04-2007, 11:04 PM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,190 posts, read 14,860,700 times
Reputation: 7932
Babyluv, I'm not a marriage counselor by any means, but one thing struck me over the head - you two have been together for six years, and only recently got married?! Why was that? In general, if people don't get married after two or three years (without extenuating circumstances), there must be something holding one or both of them back.

I'm not sure why your husband is pressing you to be friends with his daughter when it seems that he isn't even that close to her. I vote for ignoring her as well (nothing else seems to have worked!). Amazing that a teenager has taken so much power here.
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Old 06-05-2007, 12:49 AM
 
Location: Arizona
67 posts, read 222,100 times
Reputation: 46
Babyluv, RUN & don't look back. I have been married for 16 years and we have her 2 girls and my 1 girl and our son together. The first 5 years were pure hell with the kids ruling the nest and controlling us to the max. It wasn't untill we ( note, I said we) put our foot down and said no more. That things begain to change. It takes two ( always ) and if he's not willing to help in this matter, you can't do it alone. You need to tell him, Hey look, If you feel this way about your little girl, maybe you neeed to be living with her. I think she would be diffrent if she had a husband and didn't want her father living with them. Besides, she is going to get married someday and who is he going to have them. NOBODY !!!!!!!!! Woodzman
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Old 06-05-2007, 06:06 AM
 
Location: Vermont
22 posts, read 75,784 times
Reputation: 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by pirate girl View Post
I guess things aren't getting any better on this yet? Have you been to the counselor?
I go tomorrow afternoon, I am honestly looking forward to it, even though my husband is refusing to go, I am hoping the counselor will help me cope better with this.
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