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Old 06-05-2007, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Penobscot Bay, the best place in Maine!
1,891 posts, read 5,148,590 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pirate girl View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by noplacelikeWA
Its actually really a question of how long do you plan on "dating" before you commit to making a life together? Kids don't date, they need stable permanent parents and you're not doing yourself or this kid any favors by "dating" his mom indefinately.
I think this statement might be out of line. There could be any number of reasons for the relationship to be on a slow path- and quite honestly, they haven't even been dating a year yet- hardly a reason to assume either of them are dragging their feet. It takes time to get to know one another and although this child needs stable and permanent, he does not need to see mom in a lifestyle of revolving marriages or relationships.

As someone with a failed marriage behind me, I plan to take my time before diving in again. I've had a five year relationship and am still not inclined to get married. Nothing do do with the guy or the relationship- I'm just gunshy and won't be pushed into doing something that I'm not ready to do.
I agree. I don't think the issue here is whether or not they should get married, I didn't even see that mentioned by the OP. The issue is HER parenting style (or lack thereof) and HIS ability to live (or not) with it. To suggest that marriage would somehow fix this is, to me, quite a leap in theory. I would see more harm done to all three people if the couple were to marry, spend a year (or years) fighting, only to end up divorcing bitterly.
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Old 06-05-2007, 06:15 PM
 
Location: Twin Cities, CA
199 posts, read 1,010,233 times
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In general, you get to make, and enforce, the rules in your house and car. That means that if everyone has to get buckled before you drive, you can speak directly to the boy and explain that. If he doesn't, you don't drive. If he does and later unbuckles, you pull over until he buckles again.

At your house, if you have clearly explained any rules you have, like no running, or ask before getting food, or no jumping on furniture, you can address him directly if he violates a rule. Punishments or consequences to violations, if reminders don't curb the behavior, should be given out by the mom, unless you and she have discussed and agreed on an action you can take directly.

8 year old boys are a challenge and ones with an attitude are quite common. Your girlfriend might really feel a bit burnt out and appreciate the break with him playing the PSP. Or, the boy misbehaves because he needs more attention from mom and if he can't get it positively, he's going to get it negatively.
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Old 06-05-2007, 09:54 PM
 
Location: among the chaos
2,136 posts, read 4,304,250 times
Reputation: 980
Quote:
Originally Posted by THASPECIAL View Post

i might just have to break it off with her but its kinda tough.....i am not pushing my ways onto her but if i have to accept the package deal of them both then i deserve to have some say in how this kid behaves in public .......sorry this was so long but thanks for listening.
Personally, I think that you need to have a very serious discussion with your girlfriend. Yes, this is a package deal!!! There are so many details that we do not know that to me are important to the situation. But, as I say that, I don't know that is true. Your situation is simple. If you think that you have a future with this young lady, then one day this 8 year old boy might be you step-son. If you think that there is any remote chance of that, you need to nip this situation in the bud right now. I agree with everyone else on the fact that it was YOUR car. You should have never left the driveway without him being buckled. If you are willing to tolerate the disrespect that he is showing his mother, then you can simply go the route of mom's rules/your rules. Children understand that there are different rules for different situations. When I was a single mother, I would get so frustrated because my son would come home from his father's house and have had "his" way all weekend. He learned very quickly that just because something in one way at dad's, it was not that way at mom's. Children need disipline and structure. I don't know if there is an ex-husband involved in this child's life, but that can make the situation even more complicated. (I could give you a world of advice on this situation.) I was glad to hear that you were not living together. That makes things easier for you. To me, if you are truly a part of her life, then you are a part of his life. You and your girlfriend need to come to terms with a disipline stategy and impliment it. The child needs to understand that you are a part of his mother's life and he needs to show you respect. I am sure that the mother is also struggleing with her own problems. It is not easy being a single parent. When I was a single mother, my son was not even aware that I was dating until I knew that the relationship was going to be stable. (which it sounds like yours is) I feel like I am just rambling, if you have any more specific questions, I would be happy to help with each individually. I think the basic question you asked is simply answered. You either need to agree on a disipline strategy (you might someday be his SD) or you need to move on. Her problems are much bigger that yours if she does not get him under control now. IMHO
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Old 06-06-2007, 12:46 AM
 
Location: Orlando Florida
1,352 posts, read 5,681,929 times
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I appreciate the advice and offers to help answer future questions from everyone. I have learned in the past that a "feeling" of being in love doesn't guarentee the other person will stay and my girlfriend has that "feeling" but i havent opened in that way from being hurt before. I have left that all behind but not going to open my heart all the way.


It has come to a point where i dont even want to see her son or do anything with both of them, so i avoid it because i have done what some people said on here and told her we needed to make some changes and not let her son get away with stuff in public anymore.


I remember going to Mcdonalds one day since the movie was sold out that we were going to see and we got some ice cream and the boy went over to throw something in the garbage and he came back to sit down but his mother noticed that he threw the item down on the middle of the floor and the people who work there had just made thier rounds cleaning stuff. She asked him, "Why did you just do that?" He said, "So they would have something else to clean...that's what they get paid for" and i was holding that in until later since the only punishment she gave was for him to pick the stuff up and nothing else happened to him. I confronted her on why he did that and why she didnt do anything else to him. Shew said, "oh well he doesnt know...he thinks those people are payed to do that stuff" so i explained what i would have told him and done with him to help him understand that it is VERY rude to do things like this but no changes come from her even when she says she will talk to him and the next time we go out something else usually happens and thats how i know nothing was explained or he wasnt made to really listen.

I really dont think its all his fault because i see some of her behavoirs that i noticed that he has like talking back to people and not having patience in some situations.


She doesnt see things that will affect her son in the future by letting him bump up against people in lines and keep doing it or messing with the ropes in the line at the movies. Its not just playing around but he will pull that sucker until the poles almost fall and she says stop or else...but i never see action......i tryed to care and open my door to them both for a while and superess our differences and still hang out with them but it has only added more memories and emotions in ending this.

I do think i shouldnt continue to stick it out because i dont want to be the only one that sees that some behavoirs are wrong and i dont want to be the only one pushing for change because i know after so many years of him growing up and the habits they have that she really thinks her ways are the right ones ultimatly because he is getting good grades but i am just worried that when this kid becomes 13, 14, 15 that he will not respect when adults tell him to stop or tell him something he is doing is wrong because he never listens when his mother tells him now.


He does kinda use "acting like he is sorry" as a way to be free from punishment because his mom just doesnt want him to be hurt since this kid has never had a father that he has attatchment to......so i think he knows how to wotrk his mom....she also doesnt make him eat what we want to go eat if we are out....she says stuff like im not going to go there because he wont eat that or this....and i was raised that if you don't eat what your parent has to offer then you dont eat at all and then the next day my parent would make something else they knew i might eat, but many times i went without dinner just so i didnt have to eat liver or pot roast.....



well i try to explain things like this to my girlfriend but she thinks im being too hard and tells me to stop trying to look in the past and bring up things you didnt get to do all the time......i tell her that the only way i know how i would raise my child is by looking in my past because i know and am mature enough to understand the difference between being cruel and discipline.......well thanx to everyone for reading my story
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Old 06-06-2007, 01:53 AM
 
Location: Jackson Heights, NY
71 posts, read 372,032 times
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Ok, I am not a parent and neither are you; at least, to this child. But, my opinion. In your car, your rules for all! Child or adult. If there was a car crash and that child is killed because he didn't have on a seat belt. You, my friend, are going to jail (if you survive) you broke the law by not having all passengers securely seat-belted before moving.

Thus, if it was me, the minute I noticed the child was without his seatbelt; I would've pulled the car safely over and just waited, patiently, without yelling, for "all passengers" to have their seatbelts on. It's your car and your responsibility to not drive a car that doesn't meet all the laws of your state. You are a licensed driver, I assume; you have insurance and inspection. Thus, all passengers, particularly children, must be in seat belt. It's the law.

I am sure your girlfriend would rather have her child alive. If she gets upset at you for insisting; then, do you really want to date someone with a blatant disregard for her child's life or your safety and freedom, as well. I am sure she cares and would understand a "car rule" stated in that way.
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Old 06-06-2007, 05:47 AM
 
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 7,836,441 times
Reputation: 2214
From what you've said in your most recent post, I agree that you might be better off cutting your losses and leaving this relationship. And don't hesitate to let her know why you are ending it so that she rethinks the way she is raising her son.

It does sound like he has a sense of entitlement and very little respect for anything that isn't about him.

Good luck.
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Old 06-06-2007, 06:09 AM
 
504 posts, read 1,619,457 times
Reputation: 324
The seat belt is easy, its your car and your rule is the seat belt is on and stays on until its time to take it off. You do not leave with the brat until his seat belt is on and if he takes it off back home he goes.
Disciplining a child that is not yours is very hard and unless he/she is in danger it is up to the parent to discipline, you are nothing to the child and have to earn that right. Being a boyfriend or a step-parent is hard.
I have told my daughters never get involved with someone that has children from a previous relationship, too much trouble having to deal with the child and often an ex. They have listened.
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Old 06-06-2007, 07:25 AM
 
Location: Orlando Florida
1,352 posts, read 5,681,929 times
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I Do understand that the seatbelt was my fault and i am wrong. I was just scared and didnt expect that they werent used wearing the belts...she never wore hers either because she was in an accident and she said it broke her ribs and i think that its from her beliefs that she doesnt inforce it on her kid to wear it like she should inforce it. I understand i was wrong but i did tell her he didnt have it on when i saw it not on and i should have pulled over . you guys are right.

I think the advice about cutting my losses was right but i just talked with her and she wasn't willing to change things in the way she teaches her son so i ended it, but i dont think it will make her change even now that i did end it from the way she was talking.


my belief is that a child has to learn that they dont always get thier way and that you have to give punishments that will make them remember what they did wrong not just tell them it was wrong and let them play so they are happy.....

thanx again and i guess i will look for someone else now that has my beliefs on discipline......


i made sure that i told her that the reason to end it wasnt because of how we were getting along but it was because that kid would be in a situation later in life that would be worse if things dont change now...and i told her she didnt have to give in to my beliefs but i needed her to expect certain rules when living together and she seemed not to budge at following those rules which really will teach the kid some lessons, so i told her that we should be single for the good of everybody in the situation......
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