Just need some good advice (weigh, spanking, single mom, parents)

[THASPECIAL]

I have been with my girlfriend since August of 2006. We have many differences as far as disciplining a child and she has an 8 year old son. I was with another girl before that and that girl had a daughter of the same age but it wasnt as hard as with this new kid.

I am just fed up and stressed out now honestly because of the way my current girlfriend lets her son get away with some things and i feel stuck in the middle because i want to tell the kid he needs to stop doing some things when he acts bad but i really am stuck in the middle because he's not my son and i cant tell him something is wrong unless his mother also agrees, but we have very different ways of dealing with a kid.

I'll give one example and then you can feel free to tell me your opinions on whether i am being too hard because i want to maybe end things if she doesnt change or if i should stay and tolerate things a little more since i do care about her.


Example: Me and my girlfriend and her son were in the car driving to the movies and i noticed he didnt have his seatbelt on and it is in my car. (I always have the seat belt issue with them) Well anyways i told her to tell him to put his seat belt on and she said to him, "You need to get your seatbelt on now". He must not have been listening because he didnt even try to do it he continued playing his PSP.




Well i kept driving knowing this and scared to tell her what to do about it but after a mile or 2 i told her again that the seat belt still wasn't on, so she turns around and says .."did you hear me , i told you to get that seatbelt on now.....im counting to 5.." but as soon as she started to count the 8 year old boy started sarcastically counting down from 5 to 1 slowly and seemed to think it was a joke to him cuz he kept playing his game.



Well he got down to one and his mom was mad with him but when he got to one he said see i still didnt do it and then took a second and finally clicked in his seatbelt, and the difference between me and my girlfriend is that she said we werent going to the movies but she didnt follow through on that but when i was growing up i remember my father stopping that car and going back there and giving us a spanking if we ever talked back like that and then we really didnt go to the movies. Well just hope for some help in what you might do in this situation.....this isnt the only incedent.

Thank You

[deerislesmile]

Does she know you have a hard time with this? If you tell her what you've written here, likely she will either agree or blow a gasket. If she agrees, then there is likely some good things that can happen if you work together. If she blows a gasket at the suggestion, you've got bigger problems.

In some situations, even if you are not the parent, you still have a right to expect some things from the kid. In my car, we wear seatbelts. If I find out that we are underway and someone doesn't have a seatbelt on, I pull over to the side of the road and wait until they DO have a seatbelt on. No spanking, no yelling- just a statement that you don't allow kids to ride in your car unbelted. If he chooses to play this game, he just won't be allowed to ride in the car with you. That's not discipline, that's reality.

Smart kid, actually- he's figured out that his mother isn't going to discipline, and that he can wait for her to count him out anyway.

[Pikantari]

I dont know about everything else that he does, but always with my kids, and husband, of course myself......the car does not leave the driveway unless the seatbelt is fastened. If you cant fasten it you must not need to go. Let them know, it is a rule in your car that all seat belts are fastened. I am in Virginia and it is the law that you wear the seatbelt anyways.... but my kids already know that we wear the seatbelt. If he takes it off, pull over. Dont continue on until its on. Gonna miss the movie? Oh well.. you didn't have your seat belt on.


This sounds harsh, well not to me, but since he is not your child. But this is a perfect example. If you were in an accident he would become what is the word... I know you guys know it... a missile? no.. At any rate, not belted, he could go through any window and be thrown down the road.

[deerislesmile]

Possible resources for you and your girlfriend:

Winning Ways to Talk with Young Children

Discipline that Works: The Ages and Stages Approach

Children and Respect, Family Issues Facts, #8050

[laughalot]

"Parenting with Love & Logic" by Foster Cline & Jim Fay was recommended to me when my boys ratcheted up their drive toward increased independence. I actually started with their tape "Helicoptors, Drill Sergeants & Consultants" which I absolutely loved and found very simple to implement. You can check out their website for more information... loveandlogic.com Good luck!

[THASPECIAL]

I appreciate the help from everybody. It is a tough situation since he is not my kid and we don't live together either so i really have no leverage in disciplining, and don't expect them to change thier ways but they need to if i am going to continue this relationship.

Someone asked have i told her about how i feel and my answer is yes. She seems to not want to try anything i told her that a child is not supposed to be able to talk back to an adult in a challenging or sarcastic way and i told her that he needs to respect when she says no or when she tells him to stop pulling on the ropes at the movie theatre because behavior like this that goes unchecked will only hurt him in the long run but she always gets emotional and says well he isnt a bad kid at all.


No he isnt bad as far as gettin good grades and stealing but he does open his mouth and say some terrible things and doesnt listen but his mom ends up having to pull him away from the ropes in the movie line instead of just telling him and him listening.....he never does....i guess its her fault....because i asked her "why do you always let him play his PSP when in the car"....then i said wouldnt you like to have time to bond and listen to songs or look at things when we drive by and talk about them?" but she thinks its best because she can relax i guess....


i might just have to break it off with her but its kinda tough.....i am not pushing my ways onto her but if i have to accept the package deal of them both then i deserve to have some say in how this kid behaves in public .......sorry this was so long but thanks for listening.

[pirate girl]

As the single mom of a boy I can weigh in on the difficulties of introducing a new man into the mix. From the time my son was around 8, he began to think of himself as the man of the house. The one man that I have dated since that time was at first his buddy and best friend. But when my son realized that this man might take his place as "the man" in his mother's life he began to resist- and be quite difficult.

I felt caught in the middle- I didnt' want to alienate my son but I wanted this man to remain in my life. My son would act out and show disrespect in front of him in ways that he would never do when it was just the two of us. I gave my boyfriend permission to correct him- but when my son took offense, I would backpedal and try to defend my son to keep peace.

It's a tough place to be- I love my son more than anything but I also knew I needed to make my own life.

I had to learn how to balance that- and maybe your girlfriend does too. Do you know how he behaves when you're not around? Do you know if the boy likes you? Do you know if there are any historical events that might make him want to drive a new man out of his mother's life?

There were times that I was honestly afraid that my son was taking a turn for the worse but when my boyfriend wasn't around he was his normal- generally cooperative self. But boy would he turn on the mouth when the guy was around!

In the future, I would recommend that you refuse to start the car until the seatbelt is on. That might create more cooperation- and in my opinion, his mother should have taken that PSP from the little stinker.....

I wish you - and your girlfriend luck. It's not easy.

[noplacelikeWA]

It seems to me you have invested quite a lot of time to this relationship, nearly a year now. If she is as serious as you seem to be then you should be honest with her about "accepting the package" and contributing to the disciplining of the child when in public. If she is not a serious as you are then you probably should move on, its really not healthy for any of you most of the all the kid. Its actually really a question of how long do you plan on "dating" before you commit to making a life together? Kids don't date, they need stable permanent parents and you're not doing yourself or this kid any favors by "dating" his mom indefinately.

[pirate girl]

Originally Posted by noplacelikeWA

Its actually really a question of how long do you plan on "dating" before you commit to making a life together? Kids don't date, they need stable permanent parents and you're not doing yourself or this kid any favors by "dating" his mom indefinately.

I think this statement might be out of line. There could be any number of reasons for the relationship to be on a slow path- and quite honestly, they haven't even been dating a year yet- hardly a reason to assume either of them are dragging their feet. It takes time to get to know one another and although this child needs stable and permanent, he does not need to see mom in a lifestyle of revolving marriages or relationships.

As someone with a failed marriage behind me, I plan to take my time before diving in again. I've had a five year relationship and am still not inclined to get married. Nothing do do with the guy or the relationship- I'm just gunshy and won't be pushed into doing something that I'm not ready to do.

[noplacelikeWA]

I am the product of a single mother who frequently "dated" for long periods of time and then moved on. While I do believe in a reasonable amount of courtship before you commit to a life long committment as marrriage should be, the kids in these situations do not get to choose their future parent and they tend to get attached to people much more easily then a parent whom is taking it slow to protect themselves from past hurts. Its an unfortunate consequence of failed relationships that the chidren tend to suffer the most.