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Old 06-15-2007, 04:59 AM
4,963 posts, read 3,928,956 times
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gosh I felt like I was writing your post. My mum lives 3000 miles away and also my mil lives there. Both of them never call, never ask what the boys are into mil freuqently forgets their birthdays. But she has loads of photos of them to show the neighbours.
Funny story ; last year we were home and the boys were 6 & 7. My mil had the dining room table set with bone china, loads of desserts for them to eat. Then she wondered why they didnt eat her dinner ; of course not, they had dessert before dinner.
My mum keeps the heat off so our boys dont like to stay there either.
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Old 06-15-2007, 07:43 AM
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,203 posts, read 15,018,489 times
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I lost my mother when I was only 24, but she was never really a big part of my life. She was alcoholic, and schizophrenic, so her ability to be a true mom was very impaired. I had to wing it with my own kids, and because my father was very critical and unsupportive in many ways, I had to censor myself when I found myself talking like him. It's never easy being a parent, but it's especially difficult when you don't have good role models to pattern yourself after.

I used to think I was a bad mother because there were never enough hours in the day to get everything done, and I was always stressed out. If I was playing with them, I felt like I should be doing laundry. If I was doing laundry, then I felt like I should be vacuuming... The list is endless! However, there is no perfect parent. Most of us do the best we can, and our kids turn out all right, even if it might be in spite of us, not because of us!
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Old 06-15-2007, 08:31 AM
Location: California, again...
232 posts, read 745,767 times
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I have spent the last couple weeks skimming through the various threads on this site. I have to say I have never before realized how much people from every walk of life and every part of the world can have in common...

My mother left when I was a toddler. I had a pretty good childhood, I was lucky. I met my mom when I was 12, she had just won a court order for custody in a different state and dropped in to pick up me and my sister. (Turned out all she really wanted was the $1000.00 a month child support from my well to do father, this was the 70s)

I am actually very sorry I met her, at the same time I learned a great deal about how strong I really am as a person. The other thing is that my sister and I now have an almost indestructable bond from what we have been through.

"Mom" left again when I was almost 15 and while dad was happy to take my younger sister back into his home, he didn't want me "contaminating" my new little sisters with the ideas and attitudes towards life I had learned while living with my mother.

I explain this not for sympathy but to say that I truely do understand how the yearning for a certain type of figure in your life can make you feel. I am 40 with one grown child and one young child. To this day I long for some type of "parent figure" in my life. I want someone I can hug or just talk to who understands and just wants to be there for me.

All I can say Mom2Kids, is take your pleasures where you find them. Relax and enjoy the moment as much as possible and by ALL means, take a break when you need one! I have found a gym that babysits your kids in a huge playroom while you work out. It gives me a small chance to refresh myself. The very best thing you can do is not neglect yourself, trust me on this one.

Go outside and watch the ants, find the tiniest flower you can find, lay down and watch the clouds go by......and really understand that it will all be okay in the end
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Old 06-15-2007, 12:07 PM
Location: Between Here and There
3,684 posts, read 10,842,736 times
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Originally Posted by Vesper View Post
I explain this not for sympathy but to say that I truely do understand how the yearning for a certain type of figure in your life can make you feel. I am 40 with one grown child and one young child. To this day I long for some type of "parent figure" in my life. I want someone I can hug or just talk to who understands and just wants to be there for me.
Oh Vesper I feel for you. I'm sure you get lots of support and hugs from you sister, but if there's ever a day when you can't reach her let me know, I'll give you as many hugs as you and I have always wanted. {{HUGS}}
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Old 06-18-2007, 01:58 AM
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I bet if your mom is alive, 2kidsforme, she must have been VERY proud of you for raising 2 kids. I know that we live by example, which means that most likely our behavior now can either be because of nature or nurture, eventhough, you were not able to have the ample time to be nurtured by your mom to be a good mother, everything from inside of you will just flow. That's why we as mother's whenever we have given birth and look at the beautiful shining faces of our kids will wonder somehow that we can't imagine that we are capable to love that much..whenever our kids get hurt, we are the first ones to ache for them, whenever they have questions, we tried so hard to explain it to them for their little curious minds to comprehend and whenever you see them beaming with smile you heart always leap for joy. There maybe many books to read, advices to seek and opinions to ponder on but everything is just inside of you....that's why you said being a mother is an instinct. And I commend you for that. I am in awe of those motherless mothers like you. Way to go...you are doing a good job.
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Old 01-08-2008, 01:51 PM
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I am new to this site but happened upon it when I was looking for an answer to this quesiton; Do Motherless Daughters have a harder time developing friendships with adult women? My mom passed away when I was 10 years old and my dad when I was 24. I am now 34, married with a young son. We just moved closer to my husbands family and I was reading an article about mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships in which a psychologist said that motherless daughters have a harder time developing relationships with other adult females (ie: mother-in-laws, friends, neighbors). Do others out there find this to be true? Thanks!
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Old 01-08-2008, 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted by june 7th View Post
Immediately upon reading your post, I went into my study and found a book that I thought I would pass along to you: "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. copyright 1994, Addison-Wesley Publishing Company. For what it's worth, (and if it helps reading this, terrific!) the author addresses a number of issues pertaining to women who have lost their mothers at an early age, stemming from the years growing up w/o a mother, to becoming mothers themselves. Just thought I'd pass this along, in the event that it helps...

Take gentle care.
For 2kids and every other "motherless mother". This is an awesome book. This is a phenomenom not very well understood, even in psychiatric/psychologic circles. There's something very isolating, depressing and despairing about becoming a mother when you no longer have yours.

I have 3 kids. I lost my mother when I was 10. Besides missing out on having my mother (having both my parents--they both died when I was a child) around for the other important milestones like getting engaged, married, college graduation, etc., I most profoundly missed her when I had my first child. My MIL is also not the nuturing type.

A silver lining in all of this for me was that my sister and I became very close once I became a mother (her daughter was 6 years old at that point) and we had motherhood in common. We never had much else in common. And now that her daughter is 23 and my oldest is 17, we still have that bond.

Take care.

ps. I just read your later post, 2kids, about how you lost your entire family. My heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to all of you.

I do pride myself on being independent, resourceful and strong. I put myself through college and graduate school, was very successful in business, made a great salary, bought my first house--all before I got married. But I miss my mother.

Strangely, even though I was only 10 when she died, I feel her presence almost every day. Often it comes out as something I say to my kids without even thinking about it, then I realize it's something exactly like my mother would have said. My kids are so used to me saying "did my mother just walk through this room?"

Last edited by findingmesomeday; 01-08-2008 at 02:55 PM.. Reason: might be successful in business, but I still can't type. correcting typos!
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Old 01-08-2008, 02:38 PM
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Wow, I can't believe I'm on CityData so much, yet missed this thread.

My mom died soon after I got married. I remember asking my best friend, "How in the world can I have a baby without her?" I did, though, then another, and I know her mothering was woven into me. I hear her laugh in mine, see her spunk in my daughter, (who is named for her), and know she would just love these 2 children of mine. I talk to them about her often, and they love to hear "grandma stories".

My dad also died a few years ago. He was a wonderful, wonderful man. He was at the hospital for both births and we loved each other very much.

Both my parents died without warning in their sleep. After the shock of losing my mom with out any goodbye, it happened again with my dad.

Here's the thing- as for it being harder to have lost a good parent or a bad one, to be able to say goodbye as they die slowly or just pass, I just don't think it makes all that much difference. They're all different shades of pain, you know? We have to make some sort of peace with the injustice of it and get on with it. Some days are easier than others.

I wish I could meet all of you for coffee tomorrow and give you all a hug. It's not easy being a member of this awful club, is it? We are, though, and our kids give us hope and the will to be the best moms we can.

I'll share one last thing. My husband and I feel our kids are missing a lot too, not having that large grandparent presence in their lives, so we have big plans. We're going to be the best grandparents any kid ever had.
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Old 01-08-2008, 02:45 PM
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I hear you about the grandparent thing. My husband lost his dad in 1986 and I lost both my parents in 1968. So our kids have one grandparent. Sadly, I think that she will not be around much longer. She and my husband do not have the world's best relationship but this is going to be very hard on him. Since I lost my parents when I was still a child, I don't know what to say to an adult who loses a parent. It must be harder because you've had them in your life that much longer.
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Old 01-08-2008, 03:08 PM
Location: Red Sox Nation
660 posts, read 2,418,481 times
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Hello everyone. What a tough subject. My heart goes out to each and every one of you. Morrida- I don't really know if motherless mothers have a harder time developing relationships with other women. All I can speak of is my own experience. I think having my parents pass away at such an early age kind of forced me to grow up sooner than I would have liked, and as a result I became somewhat independent and self sufficient. I also had fear based issues, as well as abandonment issues, which made it harder to get close to people. I think on some unconcious level I was terrified of those I got close to leaving me somehow, or dying. Because of that, it took me a very long time to get to a place where I could have children. Getting married was no problem, and I did that while I was still in college, but it took nearly 11 years of marriage before I felt the courage to become a mom. akm4, I totally understand how you could feel that you could not have a baby without your mom in your life. Don't you all feel angry sometimes? Like we were cheated somehow? Then of course I feel guilty, because I have beautifull children, a nice life, and I am pretty darn happy. But sometimes, I can just feel hollow, like something is missing. I think it is that vertical connection thing. In my life, my vertical connection goes down, to my babies, but going up, it ends with me. The most natural thing would to be in the middle, so to speak. I hope that makes sense.
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