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Old 01-09-2008, 04:20 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,164 posts, read 20,195,772 times
Reputation: 6210

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2KidsforMe View Post
june-I am spending a rainy morning in New England as well. Wow, I have never been able to put into words they way I have felt, almost my entire life. The "absent presence" is it, exactly. Sometimes I just yearn for a mother's love, and a grandmother's love for my children. Sadly, I lost my entire family of that horrible day, Dec. 21st. My mom, and both my little sisters were killed in an accident. My father never recovered and drank himself to death a few years later. I love my life, my kids, and my husband. But I always feel that search for the "missing" is always with me. I am so glad to have found this forum and am gratefull that you have shared your stories with me. Hopefully we can help each other by sharing. I don't want this thread to be just about me.
I didn't see this yesterday when I was reading... After I read part way, I noticed it was an old post, then started reading from the bottom up, but see I never finished.

I'm so sorry. That has to be hard on you. Have you ever gotten counseling? If so, did it help?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ready2move View Post
drives me crazy when I hear of women complaining about their mom's. Makes me want to smack em'
Being called a mom or dad is something you earn. How does someone that never sees their kids, doesn't call / send a card on birthdays deserve to be called that? Every situation is different. There are people out there that never should have had kids to begin with.

I don't know what would be the less of two evils.. losing a good mom / parent & being left with memories or growing up with someone that shouldn't have had kids to begin with and being left with not so great memories and knowing they are still alive and could care less?

Quote:
Originally Posted by beth ann View Post
I don't know what brought me to this thread, but I have been brought to tears listening to all of your posts.

My mother is alive. But, I can relate to all of you.

I'm 41 and she's 69. Even though I was raised in an upper middle family and my mom was home w/ us and we had all the piano and ballet and swimming and private schools....my mom and I never really "clicked"....we are very, very different in our personalities and have never had much of a relationship.

Even though my mom is alive, we're so distant........so, be thankful for what you've had...even if it only lasted a short while.
I don't doubt that you make it a point to not do the things she did. You will also be the grandmother your kids never had when it comes time.

I can relate though. I'm in the same boat, you're almost the same age as me.
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Old 01-10-2008, 09:43 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,531 posts, read 42,694,765 times
Reputation: 57179
I understand how you feel, since my mother died when I was 12. I was OK until my daughter reached about that that age and I feel as if I was not the best mother I could have been to her, since I had lost my frame of reference after that point.
I think you can be reassured that you're doing fine now since you have, even if you don't realize it, been ingrained with your mother's wisdom since you were born.
Just be aware that when your children reach the age you were when you lost her, you might want to be extra vigilant.
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Old 01-10-2008, 02:17 PM
 
Location: Dallas, NC
1,703 posts, read 3,451,665 times
Reputation: 807
This thread has given me chills! My mother died when I was 2...she was 39. I can relate to so much of what has been said.

I feel totally alone in parenting some days. I just don't like to talk to anyone about issues in my immediate family for some reason. I love my sister dearly but don't want to give her any ammunition!

I can relate to the post about not forming close relationships as an adult. I've never had super close relationships with women at all. I get along with my MIL just fine, but I can't let the barrier down to get close. Same goes for his aunt and grandmother. Just can't do it. I have some good friends but not anyone who knows a lot about me.

I have been petrified my whole life that I will die young! I couldn't believe it when I read that! If I live to see 40, I told my husband I better have a HUGE party! I want everyone to know I've made it longer than my mom did! My sister turned 40 this year and I am 36. I take tons of pictures and scrapbook (although I am behind...LOL) so my son will have reminders and memories of me that I don't have of my mother. I don't miss any of his events/games if I can possibly help it.

I never thought anyone else would understand all these thoughts and emotions I have. While I hate that any of us have to live without our mothers, it's nice to know I'm not alone.
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Old 01-10-2008, 02:38 PM
 
Location: Da Parish
1,127 posts, read 4,445,392 times
Reputation: 985
Wow! This thread certainly clears a few things up. My Grandmother died when my Mom was 12. It was very traumatic because she had a stroke while they were all sitting on a bed laughing and talking about my Mom's grammer school graduation that evening. There was no phone (1942) and it was my Mom who ran from the house into town to use a phone to get help.

Mom has had few female friends, and always talked about how she just wanted to live long enough to see her daughters into their teens. She was always afaid of dying young (Mom's 78 now) as well. In addition she HATED Mother's Day. She was always depressed and didn't really want us to do anything for her on the holiday.

Holy cowbells, there are so many similar stories here! At least my Mom isn't the only one with these issues; I'm going to let her know about what I've learned here today.
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Old 01-10-2008, 02:47 PM
 
Location: Dallas, NC
1,703 posts, read 3,451,665 times
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In addition she HATED Mother's Day. She was always depressed and didn't really want us to do anything for her on the holiday.


You know I'm the exact opposite SINCE I had my son. I love Mother's Day and my husband knows he better do something good for me since I hated it for so long. I used to cry every year on Mother's Day especially at church when they would do all those special things. But now that I am a mom, I let myself enjoy it. I still miss my mom, but I love being a mom!
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Old 01-12-2008, 01:25 PM
 
395 posts, read 1,792,115 times
Reputation: 248
I can't even begin to read all these posts, it was too sad.

My mother left my father and I when I was two years old. I only saw her a few times growing up, and she never seemed happy to see me. It was always difficult to track her down, she moved a lot and never wrote to me. As an adult I flew across the country to visit her, bringing my children with me at the time. (I only had two children then, ages 3 1/2 and 2) She knew I was coming to visit, I was also visiting some other family in that state. Well, she barely managed to stay friendly for the evening. She left the house at 5:00 a.m., got drunk, and returned several hours later still drinking. Eventually she just lost it, and told me she had never loved me, to stop contacting her, and that she never hoped to see me again. I started to cry of course, and she actually laughed at me and told me how stupid I was. I am actually thankful for that, it helped harden my feelings towards her. So yes, I am motherless. It has been very hard for me all these years. I did have a mostly good relationship with my MIL of 20 years, but she recently died. There is just an emptiness within me that nothing seems to be able to fill.

Whew, how depressing. Thankfully these are thoughts I manage to ignore for the most part. But I sympathize with all of you who have lost your mothers, or who never had one.
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Old 01-12-2008, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Red Sox Nation
660 posts, read 2,417,522 times
Reputation: 428
notjustamom, I am so sorry. To lose a mother by death is terrible, but to lose a mother by abandonment is devastating. You sound like a very strong, level headed person. Her loss.
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Old 03-25-2008, 01:41 PM
 
Location: Old Bridge, NJ
171 posts, read 731,379 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morrida View Post
Hello,
I am new to this site but happened upon it when I was looking for an answer to this quesiton; Do Motherless Daughters have a harder time developing friendships with adult women? My mom passed away when I was 10 years old and my dad when I was 24. I am now 34, married with a young son. We just moved closer to my husbands family and I was reading an article about mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships in which a psychologist said that motherless daughters have a harder time developing relationships with other adult females (ie: mother-in-laws, friends, neighbors). Do others out there find this to be true? Thanks!
I think it's very true. My mother was actually a motherless mother herself. Her mother died when my mother was 13. And even though my mother and I had an ok. relationship, we were never very close. When I had my first son she was very excited, but kept her work as her first priority. Same thing happened when I had my second son. She died two years ago; my kids were 7 and 2. There is no way they'll remember her, and I can't talk about her too much because I just choke up. Even though we were not that close, I feel abandoned and alone.
I have zero female friends (or male friends; only my husband). I don't have any idea how to approach people or learn to be close.
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Old 03-25-2008, 04:17 PM
 
5,244 posts, read 4,208,403 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jenn76 View Post
I think it's very true. My mother was actually a motherless mother herself. Her mother died when my mother was 13. And even though my mother and I had an ok. relationship, we were never very close. When I had my first son she was very excited, but kept her work as her first priority. Same thing happened when I had my second son. She died two years ago; my kids were 7 and 2. There is no way they'll remember her, and I can't talk about her too much because I just choke up. Even though we were not that close, I feel abandoned and alone.
I have zero female friends (or male friends; only my husband). I don't have any idea how to approach people or learn to be close.
wow, my mother was also motherless, and now I am motherless w/children. I also feel abandoned but more than that would love to have her guidance, although we were not that close. Yet, I feel w/my having kids that it would have brought us closer. I also get choked up talking about her, also there are certain smells that remind me of her. My father also passed away after she did so I feel very alone sometimes when it comes to my kids not having them around to enjoy like others may have. This is a very therapeutic thread.
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Old 03-25-2008, 06:49 PM
 
151 posts, read 637,347 times
Reputation: 94
I would love to hook you up w/n=my daughter, she had mother, grandmother, aunts, she is spoiled. Once life comes here, it is Precious, and we can't forget it. You are doing the right thing thing, seek advice, keep doing that until you feel your intuition kick in, and some. I will you give advice, and so will my daughter. Mothers are in your corner, we have been there at one point or another. Please hang in there, I promise it will get better. Keep your head up!
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