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Old 03-27-2010, 03:48 PM
 
Location: Eastern time zone
4,459 posts, read 3,878,760 times
Reputation: 3383
Quote:
Originally Posted by the3Ds View Post
No, I wasn't going to get elaborate...I'm not a good liar so the simpler the better. I was just wondering if I should be honest and say something like, "Petunia tells me that she and the birthday girl really haven't been playing together lately" or say "we already made plans." "We already made plans" leaves the door open for future calls for playdates so I'm not sure I should set out on a path that means I have to write down a list of good excuses.
They might well invite her again. But after you refuse politely a couple of times most people get a clue. You don't need a list of good excuses-- just "oh, I'm sorry, Petunia's not available that day. Thank you for thinking of her." Saying "Petunia and Calliope aren't really playing together anymore" doesn't leave much room for Calliope's mom-- either she looks unobservant, or her kid looks hard up for party guests.
Sometimes not being direct, and letting the other party save face, is a good thing. Particularly since (as MB and several others have mentioned) these are little girls, and little girl friendships are notoriously hot and cold and hot again.
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Old 03-27-2010, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Oxford, Connecticut
504 posts, read 521,151 times
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I don't think you should purposely burn any bridges. My daughter is 7 and some of her playdates are with her closer "friends" and others are with girls she is associated with through her class, brownies on the bus etc. If you stop asking and inviting people to meet then they'll stop asking you and you will just drift apart but a playdate is just a playdate. It's like meeting someone for coffee - it doesn't make you a lifelong BFF. I wouldn't alienate someone who down the road could be on a soccer team or in dance class or actually be back in your daughter's chosen group.
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Old 03-28-2010, 01:29 PM
 
Location: Aurora, Colorado
2,212 posts, read 3,032,761 times
Reputation: 2317
Thanks everyone! I think I will go with my first instinct (that everyone seems to agree on for the most part) and just make up an excuse.

Again, I know they're 7 and understand that their BFF that day could be the person who shared her red marker. My daughter has a group of about 9 kids that she used to play with regularly and as the school year progresses, the number of kids in her "group" is now about 5...the 2 kids I was asking about specifically are kids who my daughter has just "outgrown." And I am grateful for that because her group of friends right now is great...fun playdates, sleepovers, etc, and they just enjoy playing together...it's not a constant "who will I decide to let hang out with me today" that I am seeing from some of the other girls in her grade. I wish that 1st grade wasn't this way, but girl drama starts younger and younger and I can already see some of the kids emerging as "Mean Girls." Thankfully none of those girls are in my daughter's group but since they're 7...we've got a long way to teenagehood.

No, my daughter isn't being bullied...that would be a whole other post...but she has just grown away from some girls because, as my daughter says, "she's too drama".

Finally...I do disagree about getting my daughter to understand from an early age about what makes a true friend. I have never encouraged her to "sever ties" with kids, but when she comes home to report that one of the girls started playing a game and said "only 4 kids can play this game, so you can't" (which isn't true since it's not a board game, it's tag or (god help me) vampires). The little girl just wanted to flex her muscle and declare herself the "queen bee" that day. My daughter told me she cried and the other girl said she was a baby for crying. Yes...I know...welcome to elementary school, but when she got home I simply asked why she didn't just go and do something on her own and play with her other friends instead. I am trying to work hard on not allowing her to think that SHE is at the whim of kids...I'd like her to decide who she wants to play with that day instead of hoping that the kid who was nice 2 days ago but not nice yesterday will want to play with her today.

I do agree that I am probably overthinking things, but I see raising kids as constantly laying foundations and for the last few months, have been trying to get her to understand who is a good friend for 1st grade and who isn't.

So thanks everyone! I will just say that we already made plans for that day.
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Old 03-28-2010, 04:28 PM
 
108 posts, read 233,694 times
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I agree with the posters who say that at this age friendships are on again/off again. Why not just take it one invitation at a time and ask your daughter with each invitation whether or not she wishes to attend? If not, just excuse your daughter with the aforementioned "We're sorry, but she has other plans." Leaves the door open for if they are "on again." If they never become "on again" then eventually the parents are going to stop offering invitations.
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Old 04-01-2010, 01:17 PM
 
458 posts, read 403,257 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by the3Ds View Post
HELP!!

I went through similar issues with my daughter. IMO, she ultimately needs to be responsible for her decisions and now is the time to learn this. If I were you I wouldn't make excuses for her, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to associate with someone else. You can make her go but you can't make her happy (that's not our job). Her happiness is her responsibility.
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Old 04-09-2010, 03:55 AM
 
Location: Placentia
20 posts, read 23,140 times
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I wouldn’t take the issue too seriously…all a part of growing up and building social skills. I’d first encourage my daughter to go and see how she feels about the party. For all you know she just might enjoy it and be friends with the other girls again. If she’s adamant on not going, a simple excuse stating another should suffice.
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Old 04-09-2010, 10:17 AM
 
4,806 posts, read 11,410,662 times
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I think all these excuses are fine for the birthday invite, but what about when the mother calls and asks to set up a playdate 'sometime' and asks OP to pick a date she's available? At some point, I think, you are just going to have to stop avoiding the issue and tell the other parent that your kid doesn't want to go. Don't blame, just say she doesn't want to go. The parents aren't going to buy the excuse that she's got other plans every day of her life.

Do you know why there's all this on again-off again business going on? You don't say here but maybe you just didn't include that info in the post. Because even first-graders usually have a reason. Especially the on-again-off-again thing suggests that one side is doing something to make the other mad. Smashing the marker tips or not putting the lids back on or something. They get over it quicker than adults do but there is still a reason there. Maybe if you get to the bottom of it you can either stop the hot-and-cold business, or at least have a better idea of how to respond to the parents that are calling.

Last edited by kodaka; 04-09-2010 at 10:33 AM..
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Old 04-09-2010, 10:24 AM
 
Location: Rural Central Texas
3,062 posts, read 5,529,377 times
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I would suggest being honest with the other parents. I would tell them that the girls are not getting along as friends right now and you appreciate the invitation. If things change between now and then she will be glad to attend, but right now it just doesn't seem like a good idea until they make up. You know how little girls are sometimes.

I know I would not take this badly as a parent.
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Old 04-09-2010, 01:44 PM
 
Location: Aurora, Colorado
2,212 posts, read 3,032,761 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kodaka View Post
I think all these excuses are fine for the birthday invite, but what about when the mother calls and asks to set up a playdate 'sometime' and asks OP to pick a date she's available? At some point, I think, you are just going to have to stop avoiding the issue and tell the other parent that your kid doesn't want to go. Don't blame, just say she doesn't want to go. The parents aren't going to buy the excuse that she's got other plans every day of her life.

Do you know why there's all this on again-off again business going on? You don't say here but maybe you just didn't include that info in the post. Because even first-graders usually have a reason. Especially the on-again-off-again thing suggests that one side is doing something to make the other mad. Smashing the marker tips or not putting the lids back on or something. They get over it quicker than adults do but there is still a reason there. Maybe if you get to the bottom of it you can either stop the hot-and-cold business, or at least have a better idea of how to respond to the parents that are calling.
I know they're 7 so sometimes they declare their friendship "over" because someone gave them a weird look. God help me...kids are never boring, are they? My daughter has declared someone not her friend because they accidentally got juice on her at lunch when they tried to open their Capri Sun. Everytime she gets in the car to report the latest news from the day, there is always something "dramatic" that happened. Sometimes it doesn't even happen to her...just another classmate but she reports on it as if the world is ending. I know...she's 7. It's huge news if someone accidentally bumps into you on the playground.

About the 2 girls in particular: The first one is the girl who has decided that SHE is the princess/vampire/whatever the "leader" of the day is. Everyone else must just follow her around (and they do). My daughter became friends with a boy that sat next to her in class and this little boy is the girl's next door neighbor (and also stands in as the handsome prince/boy vampire, etc). My daughter was told by this little girl that she wasn't allowed to be friends with this boy because they were "married". When my daughter had the audacity to sit next to this little boy at lunch, the girl declared that my daughter wasn't allowed to play with the group at recess. The little boy has moved on to playing with a different group now and since my daughter no longer plays with him, she has been allowed back in the group and invited to the birthday party. The good news is that I just talked to the girl's mom and they are moving at the end of the school year. So, at least that's taken care of!

The second girl is just very hot and cold. One day, they're best friends and having a great time together, and the next day, she tells my daughter that she can't play. It goes on and on like this every week and it's the same with the girl's other friends too. My daughter often reports that the girl wanted to play with her today and told her other friend that she couldn't play with the two of them. Who knows why...but again, I just don't want my daughter to have a "friend" who is so hot and cold. She's got friends who play together every day...who sit together at lunch, who find each other to sit with on the reading carpet. These two girls I mentioned are just 2 in a group of about 9 of them who act this way.
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Old 04-09-2010, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
2,062 posts, read 1,478,441 times
Reputation: 2489
There's some great advice in this thread but also remember not to have the "not my child!" attitude. Nothing good comes out of a parent who thinks their kid is an angel, and sometimes, girls are dramatic at school yet portray to their parents that they aren't doing anything wrong.
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