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It depends... for example, I've always been afraid of bugs, but after a lot of exposure to them, learning about them etc., I can tolerate them. Being afraid like the OP said his daughter is experiencing is different. I think forcing her to sleep down in the basement when she is terrified will only make her more terrified. I'm basing this on personal experience. Then it becomes a cycle, and the more you have to do it, the more it freaks you out. Then it becomes this totally irrational thing. I don't think everything is so black and white.
It isn't different. It is an unreasonable, untangible fear. In other words, there is nothing there to be afraid of. It's totally perception and imaginable. It's all in her head, as most fears are. It's something she can overcome by spending time in her room during the day and being told to sleep in her own bed at night. If she doesn't, she never will because the fear becomes habit, sometimes lifelong.
When my daughter was a little baby, she would start crying out of the blue. If she was wet, I'd change her. If she was tired, I'd rock her. If she was hungry, I'd attempt to feed her. I cuddled her and talked to her, but she would continue to cry.
After her needs were met, she continued to cry. After a while of crying, she would stop as fast as she started. She cried because, even though she may have started for a reason, she forgot what that reason was and just figured she was supposed to cry. She would look at me as though she was asking me why was she crying. Habit, not necessity.
Pediatricians say that a child only needs a bottle until they can drink from a cup. After they are capable, they only want the bottle because it is a habit, not a necessity.
This girl is going up into her sister's bedroom out of habit, not necessity. The initial fright is long over and there is nothing in her room that will hurt her. Nothing that she should be afraid of.
To break that habit of going upstairs every night, she should be sent, or taken back down each time she goes up to her sister's room.
fears are VERY real for kids. my son had many fears. he walked out on the movie jurassic park twice after begging me to see it both times! he stuffed toilet paper in a small hole in his bedroom door because he was afraid of something coming out of it. he threw his furbie away when he was about 12 after having it for years because it "freaked him out." he refused to go to houses that were scary when i took him trick or treating as a child. he had a fear of zombies (but still watched the movies!!) now he's 21 and he's very well adjusted but as a young person he had many fears. i didn't like sleeping alone in my room when i was little.....i was afraid that if someone broke into the house they would get me! lol! so i would get up and sleep with my brother whenever i could get away with it.....if i got caught by my mom she would tell me to go back to bed!! probably by about age 13 i was ok with sleeping in my room! i outgrew the fear. i too would set up a cot in her sisters room and let her sleep there until she outgrows her fear. you can't rationalize a fear away with a child.
fears are VERY real for kids. my son had many fears. he walked out on the movie jurassic park twice after begging me to see it both times! he stuffed toilet paper in a small hole in his bedroom door because he was afraid of something coming out of it. he threw his furbie away when he was about 12 after having it for years because it "freaked him out." he refused to go to houses that were scary when i took him trick or treating as a child. he had a fear of zombies (but still watched the movies!!) now he's 21 and he's very well adjusted but as a young person he had many fears. i too would set up a cot in her sisters room and let her sleep there until she outgrows her fear. you can't rationalize a fear away with a child.
And a child can't overcome a fear without sooner or later, facing it.
And a child can't overcome a fear without sooner or later, facing it.
lol not necessarily, i disagree.....i think the child's mind just needs to mature and can realize for themselves that there is nothing to be afraid of. why be so tough on them....they are only children for a short time. no matter how many times my mom told me to go back to bed, i continued to leave my room because i was afraid to be alone. and i would have never forced my son to watch jurassic park if he was affraid. i don't think forcing him to watch would have made him not be fearful, it probably would have then given him nightmares!!
lol not necessarily, i disagree.....i think the child's mind just needs to mature and can realize for themselves that there is nothing to be afraid of. why be so tough on them....they are only children for a short time. no matter how many times my mom told me to go back to bed, i continued to leave my room because i was afraid to be alone. and i would have never forced my son to watch jurassic park if he was affraid. i don't think forcing him to watch would have made him not be fearful, it probably would have then given him nightmares!!
I never said forcing. Watching a movie isn't a necessity, but sleeping is. It can be done with sensitivity and understanding, but prolonging it only re-inforces the fear.
leaving her in her sister's room all night is telling her there may be something down in her room that she should fear. The less she is in her room, the more frightful it will become because she isn't seeing that there in nothing to fear. She isn't spending time alone in the room to find out there is nothing in it to harm her.
I just asked my daughter what she thought. She said, "Just tell her there's nothing to be afraid of, now go to sleep.".
Last edited by NoExcuses; 04-03-2010 at 03:00 PM..
from what i've read here noexcuses, the op has tried what you recommend and it hasn't worked. in a perfect world, what you recommend would work but not with every child.
lol not necessarily, i disagree.....i think the child's mind just needs to mature and can realize for themselves that there is nothing to be afraid of. why be so tough on them....they are only children for a short time. no matter how many times my mom told me to go back to bed, i continued to leave my room because i was afraid to be alone. and i would have never forced my son to watch jurassic park if he was affraid. i don't think forcing him to watch would have made him not be fearful, it probably would have then given him nightmares!!
I also don't believe in forcing kids. I would let the 12 year old be. Or accept the fears and discuss them a little - but not obsess on them. Just let her stay in the room with the other kids and soon enough she'll be staying in her room the way teenagers do and one day be tired and just fall asleep, eventually she'll let it go.
I think it's a phase that many pre-teens and early teens have. I remember laying in bed at age 13 terrified that I was getting too old too fast, I dreaded the day I would be 16. I had to sleep with a light on - even with siblings there because old age was setting in so fast and it was unnerving me. At about age 9 I had a similar phase after hearing the nighttime prayer of some friend when I stayed over at their house "if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take" and I tried never to fall alseep after that and certainly not alone.
I never said forcing. Watching a movie isn't a necessity, but sleeping is. It can be done with sensitivity and understanding, but prolonging it only re-inforces the fear.
leaving her in her sister's room all night is telling her there may be something down in her room that she should fear. The less she is in her room, the more frightful it will become because she isn't seeing that there in nothing to fear. She isn't spending time alone in the room to find out there is nothing in it to harm her.
I just asked my daughter what she thought. She said, "Just tell her there's nothing to be afraid of, now go to sleep.".
Or forcing her is making her fears all the more important. When my kids would say they heard a noise, I would discuss the noise, ask them what they thought it was. If they thought it was a monster, I'd ask them to describe what kind of monster it was and what the monster might do.
I wouldn't treat their fears and nightmares as though they are unreasonable, often the fears represent something else, are symbols of fears they can't fathom or recognize.
One time my 3 year old woke up from a nightmare and told me that there were monsters around him who wanted to eat him so he took them to the kitchen and showed them were the food was.
I took another small child - about age 3 to Juarassic Park and later asked him if he wasn't scared by the dinosaurs and he looked at me like it was a strange question and said "don't you know it was just computer graphics?".
Not all kids get scared but if they do, I think it's best to discuss what's scaring them and let time work them out.
just wait, when she's a teenager she will definitely want her own room and a lot of alone time! and she'll want her own space to share with her friends.
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