Dating Age/Courtship (party, teens, baby, parents)

[lifesigns64]

Has anyone read the book by Joshua Harris "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"?

I ask because I really feel that having a steady boyfriend/girlfriend for my kids is something that, well, I just don't want them to get involved with now. I've made them read the book and they understand it, sort of agree with it, but they're friends as young as 13 are allowed to date or have a steady.

That being said, my point is that there is so much to focus on, school, hobbies, family, youth groups . . . sometimes when you get involved with dating, your head/main focus is on that person.

I was allowed to date young, and it did nothing but distract me.

My oldest is almost 15, but we have no intention of allowing him to have a steady in the near future. This is one time when I mean what I say, and say what I mean . . . .

Anyone else feel this way . . . and those that don't, please let me know your point of view as well . . Parenting does not come with a handbook, and these teen years are getting harder for me!

[SmerkyGrl]

While I completely understand your intentions as being good natured and protective, please be aware that the more you "restrict", the more likely your teen will be rebellious toward the restriction. Kids date young nowadays. I'm not sure that I agree with it but it is good to be aware of it and be "with the times". By "with the times" I certainly don't mean let them do whatever they like, but be more willing to negotiate terms with your kid rather than outright forbidding them to date or have a steady. For instance, if you feel he might mentally be mature enough for a steady ( or he claims he is), make him prove it to you in whatever goals you set together or negotiate terms such as "you can have a steady but the door to your bedroom must be open at all times" and whatnot. This way, there will be less resentment, more communication, and more trust all around. Good luck, raising teenagers can be a touchy subject nowadays.

[lifesigns64]

I heart what you are saying . . . and understand where your coming from. Human nature says we want more what we can't have.

It's just that, especially that I am a "new Christian", and so are my older kids, I feel that one on one dating just leads us into temptation.

He can like a girl, do group things, but he asked if she could come over here, or if he could go there 1:1, he's 14 now, just got out of 8th grade, and my first born, my baby . . . so yes, I am overprotective in this respect.

On the other hand, I bend over backwards for him socially in this rural area that we live in. I put up tents in the backyard and he can have his guy friends over and bonfire . . . I drive miles to take him and his friends fishing . . . we had a paintball party for him. He goest to youth group 2 times a week at church, has guitar lessons . . . . why am I saying all this???????

Guess I am just really saying that 1. I remember what I did at is age
2. He's a good boy, but his hormones are raging 3. I honestly feel that if he can't remember to brush his teeth or walk the dog if he's the first one up, he's still somewhat immature . . . 4. and lastly, he's my baby, I waited so long for him, and yes, it's hard to let go.

But with that being said . . . I still feel that 1:1 dating doesn't sit well with me right now, but I do hope that there is no rebellion.

A few days ago he did come to me and say that he really wanted to have this girlfriend because all his friends were doing it . . . and questioned when the time would be right . . . I replied, we'lll both know.

Now . . . he has asked to take driver's ed thsi summer, our state actually gives Driver Ed to 14 year olds and permits the day they turned 15. I said yes to this . . . so I do give him independence in many ways . . . just can't do the girlfriend thing yet.

[june 7th]

Lifesigns:

As I have lived through having a son who traversed those high school years, I'll take a stab at this one....First off, I largely agree with Smerkygrl. I think she brings up some excellent points, and is right on target! I guess my feeling is that you need to find a comfortable "solution" to an age-appropriate situation. In reading that you identified yourself as "a new christian" the first thought that popped into my head was that of "forbidden fruit." He is entering high school, and KIDS DATE in high school!!! It really is a part of what their experience in high school is about, (a PART) and strikes me as being completely age appropriate for them to do so. It doesn't mean that they necessarily will end up side tracked, or derailed....

Two things you wrote strike me in particular: "I remember what I did at his age....He's my baby...it's hard to let go." Could it be that this is more your issue due to the fear of having to eventually let him go, coupled with the fact that you are remembering your own experiences at his age? Because you also wrote, (and I love this line) "He's a good boy." That is wonderful! Yes, his hormones are raging, but they're supposed to....I have the feeling that if you have raised a wonderful son, (and I have every reason to believe you have!) then you have to begin to let him BE that wonderful son...He needs to be able to 1) Not feel ostrasized by his peer group who in all likelihood will be dating; 2) Needs to "traverse" that whole developmental social aspect of teenage years; 3) Needs to learn how to interact with girls in a respectful, meaningful way that entails 4) appropriate boundaries, limits, and guidelines from his parents. I think you have to risk "letting him go" at the same time that he has to risk getting his heart broken by some girl in his math class! You will both survive; it's a mutual journey...But he IS entering high school...

I honor and respect the risk involved, emotionally, for both you and your wonderful son. Be proud, and,

Take gentle care.

[Pimpy]

Originally Posted by lifesigns64

Has anyone read the book by Joshua Harris "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"?

I ask because I really feel that having a steady boyfriend/girlfriend for my kids is something that, well, I just don't want them to get involved with now. I've made them read the book and they understand it, sort of agree with it, but they're friends as young as 13 are allowed to date or have a steady.

That being said, my point is that there is so much to focus on, school, hobbies, family, youth groups . . . sometimes when you get involved with dating, your head/main focus is on that person.

I was allowed to date young, and it did nothing but distract me.

My oldest is almost 15, but we have no intention of allowing him to have a steady in the near future. This is one time when I mean what I say, and say what I mean . . . .

Anyone else feel this way . . . and those that don't, please let me know your point of view as well . . Parenting does not come with a handbook, and these teen years are getting harder for me!

I think I saw that book on the shelf at Borders, right next to his other book, "I'm Still a Virgin at 35".

Seriously, what has this country come to that simple "dating" or "going steady" is wrong for kids to do?

I started having steadies in sixth grade, as did most of my classmates, minus the nerds and losers. It didn't distract me from anything other than excessive viewings of Playboy. In fact, I got an early start on learning what it takes to make a relationship work, as well as identifying what qualities I can't live with and can't live without in the opposite sex.

Both of my parents loved that I had girlfriends in middle school, and from time to time they would even use it as an "in" to initiate conversations about other things, like manners (i.e. "You wouldn't wanna take Ashley out and her hear you cut a big fart at the dinner table, would you?")

Your son is FIFTEEN and you have no plans of letting him date in the forseeable future? Have fun dealing with this kid when he goes off to college. The phrases "alcohol poisoning" and "academic probation" are circling in my head right now. You think I'm joking, but I knew kids in high school who had parents like you, and I heard the stories about them going off the deep end their first week in the college dorm.

Rather than forbidding your son to date, why don't you sit down with him and have the talk about safe sex and setting his own system of moral tenets and sticking with it? That way, you're more like an ally to your kid rather than a tyrant who rules his every move with an iron fist.

[MsB23]

I kind of have to agree with Pimpy...heh...

The more taboo you make something, the more mysterious & appealing it is.

I guess I would've been considered a nerd/loser when I was in school. Altho I have eventually turned out ok, it took a while, & I have been distracted by things that I should've had figured out earlier in life.

I was painfully shy growing up, & while I did have "boyfriends" by 13, I was not allowed to see them outside of school. I was not allowed to date until I was 16...when I promptly picked up a total loser...but I digress.

I can completely understand wanting to protect your son from the temptations of life, but the only way he is going to learn how to deal with them is to be confronted with them. Personally, I would evaluate the dating thing on a case-by-case basis. If he meets a girl he's really into, invite her over & get to know her. Encourage your son to be friends with her & really get to know her. With the computer/text messaging age, that should be easy to accomplish without going out on 1x1 dates.

If, after you've met her & approve, then perhaps consider letting him go out somewhere innocuous with her. Set specific rules about when to be home, where they are allowed to go, or if they are in your home together, that doors remain open at all times, etc.

I would say the biggest things are allowing your son to learn through his experiences, having open & honest communication with him, and showing him that you trust him--assuming that he deserves your trust, i.e. not violating the rules you've set up for him. If the situation permits, give him a little rope & see how he handles it.

Good Luck!

[skoe]

Originally Posted by lifesigns64

Has anyone read the book by Joshua Harris "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"?

I ask because I really feel that having a steady boyfriend/girlfriend for my kids is something that, well, I just don't want them to get involved with now. I've made them read the book and they understand it, sort of agree with it, but they're friends as young as 13 are allowed to date or have a steady.

That being said, my point is that there is so much to focus on, school, hobbies, family, youth groups . . . sometimes when you get involved with dating, your head/main focus is on that person.

I was allowed to date young, and it did nothing but distract me.

My oldest is almost 15, but we have no intention of allowing him to have a steady in the near future. This is one time when I mean what I say, and say what I mean . . . .

Anyone else feel this way . . . and those that don't, please let me know your point of view as well . . Parenting does not come with a handbook, and these teen years are getting harder for me!

I told my son when he was 13 that I didn't really want him having a girlfriend. I was not for him dating at all. Focus on the school and football I told him. Well, then a girl he had been going to school with for 4 years came back from summer vacation with a complete makeover. She literally went from looking like a nerd to a cute, sweet young girl. Even I was amazed. All of a sudden I was hearing her name all the time. My son came to me and asked how he would know if she liked him. I love that he comes to me for advice so I put in my two sense about not wanting him to have a girlfriend yet and then answered all his questions.

Well, they are now both 15 and are still in love. They have the record at their old middle school for staying together the longest. (Its only been a year since valentines day but in a teens life that is a looong time!) They are still "in love" and he goes to their house every Sunday for 6 hours. I have met her mom a number of times and really like the family.

I must say I went against all my beliefs about my young son dating but it just seemed to happen. His girlfriends mom and I talk about the relationship so we both know that we are keeping up with talking to our teens about the important things. (yes, we did the sex talk...sigh). It is scary dealing with such real issues with young kids but I know my son is not having sex yet (I know some people are going to say I have my head in the clouds but they don't know how close and open my son and I are.)

To sum it all up I think you have to take each growing moment as it comes and sometimes have to realize that young love can not be kept apart when the 2 kids are hell bent on being together.

(It is also nice having a girl around on weekends )

[kaykay]

There is not much tougher than being the parent of teen-ager IMHO. I have not read the book you mentioned, but I have seen it in the Christian bookstores. While I think I would like to go along with the premise of it, I think that is really hard when our society's version of courtship includes dating
and has for a long time. Like some of the others have suggested, I think restricting dating may be a good idea in theory but hard to implement. Not that I think we should just bow down to whatever our contemporary society says is the norm. Not by a long shot. I am a Christian and I know I wanted my son to live by Christian values and standards ...not the worlds'.
I just think you are going to do better by trying to walk a balanced, middle ground here. Just my opinion.

[mainebrokerman]

im glad i have a son!!

i believe one of the best gifts we can give/teach/set the example of,,,is to have self-confidence in themselves, and hope they make right , careful decisions, and talk with them,,,open up to them...
however i remember being a teenager,,,,,and yes, you do experiment,,,along with peers,,,even tho you know its "wrong" ,,,sometimes the more auto-cratic you are ,,or hard on the kid,,,the more they will rebel,,because they feel,,they are in "control" ,,,not a healthy thing,,this is why many young girls,,fall for the bad boy losers,,,
now if you encourage your kids to make the better decisions,,,,and not drill them about it,,,,or say you will ground them for a year if they mistep,, then thats giving/entrusting them with some decision-making,,,
for example,,,say a teenager is spending the night over a trusted friends house,,,they leave for a while to "ride thier bikes" and ,,they meet up with some other kids thier age,,,,and ,,say they are 14-15,,well one of the other teens has a pack of cigarrettes,,,,,starts smoking one,,and gives one to your kid,,your kid,,out of curiosity tries one,,,he/she gags like we all did,,,tastes like crap,,,,,,well,,if thier is no mystery to this,,,,,or "control" issues,,more than likely the kid is going to throw it on the ground,,and say yuck,,,,
same as beer,,beer tasted bad to most of us,,(even tho some of us were allowed to have sips at early ages) same thing,,keep the mystery out of it,,,leave some responsibility up to them to make thier own decision,,
may not work all the time,,,,but neither does anything!!
my father told us kids,,,"i cant tell you not to smoke cause i do" but if you try it,,,its YOUR decision,,no one elses,,,,,and yes ,,we all tried (us kids) and we hated it,,,even more,, no mystery to it,,no "grown-up" connotations" no control, as in,,i'll do it for spite,,becasue ill get screamed at anyways..

[little_thirsty]

I actually have read Josh Harris's book. When I was in college he had just written it and he came to our college and spoke. Powerful! I was already way into the dating world, but really loved what he had to say about dating. It is about respecting yourself. FANTASTIC book. Even though it can be over the top for some people, I love what he says about dating. I now have a daughter and will try to pass on some of the wisdom he teaches on, knowing full well that the more forbidden you make something the more interesting it makes it. You know your child better than anyone on this forum possibly could. I would set boundries based on your child. Do what works for you, with your beliefs, and for your family. Good luck and keep us posted!