Angry parent-in-law (chores, playing, son, get married)

[nnyl]

Originally Posted by steelstress

Before they step foot in your house, you sit them down and read them the riot act regarding their rent, house responsibilities (whatever they may be), and the first time son-in-law slacks off in any way, they're out.

And ignore what your husband says. He's wrong. One of you needs to be the man, and he's not it.

LOL. Thanks Steel.

So any pointers on how to set boundaries and rules for "adults" that move back into mom and dad's place?

I already know one that I intend to stand firm on, and that is the hours of 8 to 5 daily will be spent, out of my home, and in persuit of a job, or whatever useless other persuit he might care to delve into, but those hours he will be out of my home and not on my couch soaking up my a/c and eating my groceries and watching my cable tv that I PAY FOR. That's rule #1, that I've already thought of.

Hopefully that in and of itself will be enough to send him in another direction for a roof over his head. Teeheehee

[maciesmom]

Make up a contract, with a plan for them to move out. Everyone signs it. Stick to it.

[steelstress]

Originally Posted by maciesmom

Make up a contract, with a plan for them to move out. Everyone signs it. Stick to it.

Great idea.

nnyl, you need to make it as uncomfortable for him as you can. He eats his own food, not yours. No tv on when you've retired, unless it's in their room (make sure there is no cable feed in there). He should pick up after himself so it looks like he doesn't live there when he's out looking for a job. How many bathrooms are in your house? Restrict him to one. And when he's not out looking for a job/interviewing, he'll be taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, whatever needs to be done.

Make it VERY uncomfortable.

[maciesmom]

Originally Posted by steelstress

Great idea.

nnyl, you need to make it as uncomfortable for him as you can. He eats his own food, not yours. No tv on when you've retired, unless it's in their room (make sure there is no cable feed in there). He should pick up after himself so it looks like he doesn't live there when he's out looking for a job. How many bathrooms are in your house? Restrict him to one. And when he's not out looking for a job/interviewing, he'll be taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, whatever needs to be done.

Make it VERY uncomfortable.

Yep....You are willing to help out to keep them off the streets but ultimately, moving out needs to appear to be a more attractive option to them.

[kodaka]

All these comments about your daughter's grades and what she is worth it sound like you actually have some say in your daughter's adult life. You don't.

And by your own admission, you've got some issues in your own life, so maybe you shouldn't be casting stones.

[nnyl]

Originally Posted by kodaka

All these comments about your daughter's grades and what she is worth it sound like you actually have some say in your daughter's adult life. You don't.

And by your own admission, you've got some issues in your own life, so maybe you shouldn't be casting stones.

I beg to differ. If anyone wants refuge under my roof, I do indeed have the right to "cast stones" as you put it.

My house, my rules. I may not like having to put him up as a package deal with my daughter, but I also don't have to make it cushy-comfy either.

My only comment about my daughter's grades were to represent that she is not the slacker he is. She did go on to secondary education and learn a trade that she can earn a living at. She didn't slack at it, she made good grades, and worked at the same time, at the same job, and earned $$ to help pay for her education. While her bum of a (now) husband jumped from job to job to job, and each and every one ended under questionable (lies) circumstances.

So yea, I think I do have the right to "cast stones" in this equation.

[nnyl]

Originally Posted by steelstress

Great idea.

nnyl, you need to make it as uncomfortable for him as you can. He eats his own food, not yours. No tv on when you've retired, unless it's in their room (make sure there is no cable feed in there). He should pick up after himself so it looks like he doesn't live there when he's out looking for a job. How many bathrooms are in your house? Restrict him to one. And when he's not out looking for a job/interviewing, he'll be taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, whatever needs to be done.

Make it VERY uncomfortable.

Sigh, precisely. Maybe if it's not comfortable, he'll make other arrangements for himself. Daughter may go with him, and that's certainly her choice. But at least I won't have to have him here.

After t'nite's encounter with him, which was not pleasant, I'm sure he's got the message that this is an icy sorta place around here, when it comes to my reception of him. Nothing specific happened, other than he dropped by here, for an issue at hand with my daughter, who is out of town and her car has some issues. The reception he got from me was ice-cold, and I made it plain that he needed to shove on off now.

[nuala]

Wrong idea. You (nnyl) already have damaged your relationship with your daughter, by your own admission, by extolling your opinion of her husband. By making *his* life uncomfortable in your house, you are going to be putting your daughter -- yet again --- in a position of having to choose between her mother and her husband. You are going to dig a canyon much deeper between yourself and your daughter than it is now.

As I think with any married couple, if someone is picking on a spouse, "makes his/her life difficult", the other spoise raises to his/her defense. Yet again, I implore imagine yourself living with relatives who try to make your husband's life miserable. Most likely you will raise like momma bear to defend your husband. I would imagine you would cut off those relatives rather than your husband. And that's where you are heading to with your daughter.

By making "contracts" and "ultimatums" with him, - with the exclusion of your own daughter? - she would not be included in contracts and ultimatums? - the wife? - you are strengthening their union, not weakening it, as you would hope.

[maciesmom]

I am not suggesting she make her SILs life miserable. I am suggesting that in the event the SIL and daughter move into their home, they both should be uncomfortable enough to WANT to move out. I agree that other than that, the OP should treat her SIL with as much respect as she can muster.

[nuala]

I didn't pick up that the OP wants her daughter out of the house from 8 to 5, neither that the OP wants to put in writing that her daughter has to pick up trash, mow the lawn, dust etc. I would imagine she knows where her daughter would send her if she got this in writing. That means she is preparing for different treatment of her daughter and her SIL, - a recipe called "How to lose your daughter".