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Old 07-04-2007, 07:02 AM
 
Location: New York
371 posts, read 1,787,403 times
Reputation: 250

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Thanks to all for your help. He is doing MUCH better. He still crawls into our bed around 4 am or so, but I have no problem with that whatsoever. I think somethings wrong if he's not there when we wake up.

We will be moving from our rental in a few months, but I will be a lot more understanding this time and definitely more patient!

Thanks again!!!!!
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Old 07-05-2007, 06:26 AM
 
Location: In the sunshine on a ship with a plank
3,413 posts, read 7,844,473 times
Reputation: 2214
I think as long as the child gets the desired result they will continue to make a scene about going to bed in their own room.

I've watched friends deal with this- and you can see it coming by how they handle their children. I never had such a problem with my son- when it was bedtime, he went to bed, IN HIS ROOM. He knew better than to pull the "I want water" nonsense as well.

Of course I know autistic children are different- but a child with normal development does not need to be coddled in such a fashion. They may cry themselves to sleep for a few days, but when they learn that tears don't get them anyplace, they'll soon learn that they belong in their own bed.
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Old 08-09-2007, 03:37 AM
 
Location: Orlando Florida
1,352 posts, read 5,688,185 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Homewardbound66 View Post
We have been having a severe problem getting our son to sleep in his own bedroom. We moved 2 weeks ago and made the mistake of letting him sleep with us a few nights and now he doesn't want to go back to his own room. We have taken away his time to play with his new friends and computer games are off to. We are on day 2 with his grounding and it has no effect on his will to go to bed in his own bedroom. Please any advice will be extremely appreciated. He has turned into an extreme handful and his listening skills have also declined dramatically. When we tell him to come inside or not do something he does the extreme opposite. Time outs aren't working well either. We are really in a quandry!

Spank your kid ....there is nothing wrong with spanking....there is a difference between spanking and abuse......look at society ever since spanking has been made to look harsh...is society better for not believing in spanking?
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Old 08-09-2007, 06:43 AM
 
3,641 posts, read 9,256,026 times
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The idea of camping out sounds like a great compromise. How about an inexpensive tent and sleeping bag with some accessories and he can camp out in different places. Your room, his room, even the living room when he feels comfortable. I know as newly weds and adults, we (strangely) thought it was fun to sometimes sleep in the living room on the pull out sofa.

Also having a guiet routine each night is good for both of you.
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Old 08-09-2007, 12:54 PM
 
1,428 posts, read 2,776,436 times
Reputation: 1460
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homewardbound66 View Post
We have been having a severe problem getting our son to sleep in his own bedroom. We moved 2 weeks ago and made the mistake of letting him sleep with us a few nights and now he doesn't want to go back to his own room. We have taken away his time to play with his new friends and computer games are off to. We are on day 2 with his grounding and it has no effect on his will to go to bed in his own bedroom. Please any advice will be extremely appreciated. He has turned into an extreme handful and his listening skills have also declined dramatically. When we tell him to come inside or not do something he does the extreme opposite. Time outs aren't working well either. We are really in a quandry!

I'm going to suggest something really heretical here.

What about letting him fall asleep in your room with you and then move him to his own room when he is asleep?

The reason why he is doing this is clearly because he needs to, and isn't it obvious why? You folks moved two weeks ago! That's a major event in the life of an adult and one of the larger stressors we can experience. Well, that applies times ten to a child who probably has never known any other life, any other home, any other reality other than the house you moved out of. He's scared! And you're going to kick him out because some parenting book said you should? Come on...

He won't need to sleep with you forever. Don't worry about that. Really, do you ever see anyone complaining about their college-aged kid who won't leave their bedroom? Naaah.

Let him know you're there, that you love him, and that he can rely on you to be the stable, coherent center of security in a world that, for him, has turned completely upside-down. Try for one second to see it through his eyes and then treat him as you would want to be treated.

Hope that helps.
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Old 08-09-2007, 12:57 PM
 
1,428 posts, read 2,776,436 times
Reputation: 1460
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaiser View Post
Homewardbound66,

I didn't read the other posts so I hope I am not repeating anyone; but,

The way I would deal with this is I would metaphorically "hit e'm" with a number of different tactics at the same time!

When it is bed time put him in his room and let him scream!

As far as time-out goes, give him one minute for each year of life. Anymore than that, he will forget why he is there to begin with. When he gets out of time-out ask him why does he think he was tere to begin with? Let him answer you, let him think about it on his own.

However, not wanting to sleep in new surrondings is not something to punnish him for, so at teh present I would suggest you force him to stay in his room even when he screams. He will eventually accept it and be comfortable there!

Long after his anxiety has left and all is normal again, only then would I let him sleep with you and your spouse again!

Just my two cents!

Kaiser

This is so unbelievably mean.

Kaiser (interesting name...), I hope that when you are old, if your child decides to put you in a nursing home, I hope that the staff doesn't "force you to stay in your room even when you scream."

I hope the staff doesn't let you cry in a room by yourself until you get used to it.

Do unto others, man. Do unto others.
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Old 08-10-2007, 12:15 AM
 
16,487 posts, read 20,380,902 times
Reputation: 16138
If you think about it, would you want to go back in your room alone if you had the experience of being all cozy with your parents in their bed? Of course not. BUT, it is not emotionally healthy for you as a married couple, or him to stay in your bed night after night. The best thing to do is to sit him down and explain why he can't stay in your bed and that it needs to end that night. Do just what they do on Super Nanny. Everytime he comes into the room you calmy walk him to his room and put him in bed. The first time or two you tell him he needs to stay in his bed, you love him, and you will see him in the morning. After a couple of times of that you just walk him back and tuck him in, no words. You may have a few really frustrating nights of him getting up a lot and you having to walk him back, but if you are consistent and don't give in, it will work. Good luck!
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Old 08-10-2007, 09:21 AM
 
1,428 posts, read 2,776,436 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brokencrayola View Post
If you think about it, would you want to go back in your room alone if you had the experience of being all cozy with your parents in their bed? Of course not. BUT, it is not emotionally healthy for you as a married couple, or him to stay in your bed night after night.
What does this really mean?
Is it not "emotionally healthy" because parents are going to want to have sex from time to time?

Last I looked, you don't just have to have sex at night. You also don't just have to have sex in your bed.

If you're thinking that having a child in your bed will cause a person to feel incestuously toward their child...uh...well, let's just say that if that's the case, that person has issues that go far beyond sleep sharing. For ALMOST ALL of the rest of us, I don't think there's really a problem. Do you?
Quote:

The best thing to do is to sit him down and explain why he can't stay in your bed and that it needs to end that night. Do just what they do on Super Nanny. Everytime he comes into the room you calmy walk him to his room and put him in bed. The first time or two you tell him he needs to stay in his bed, you love him, and you will see him in the morning. After a couple of times of that you just walk him back and tuck him in, no words. You may have a few really frustrating nights of him getting up a lot and you having to walk him back, but if you are consistent and don't give in, it will work. Good luck!
And then you go back in bed to sleep with your husband or wife? If your spouse said to you, "BrokenCrayola, you can't stay in my bed," I'm sure you'd calmly say, "Okay" and walk out of the room. Right?

I'm guessing not. I'm guessing that, like most people, you feel a sense of comfort and security sleeping with your spouse and you might feel unprotected or lonely without her or him.

Why is your child one whit different from you? Why are you entitled to the security and comfort of the people whom you love at night, but your child -- who is far more defenseless than you both emotionally and physically and knows it -- is not entitled to this security and comfort?

Our dubious "custom" of having children "crated" in separate rooms away from us is one that's only maybe about 70 years old at the best. Think about it: in previous eras, families often slept together in the same beds or the same rooms because they didn't have central heating and sharing a bed was a great way to keep from dying of hypothermia.

Somehow, we managed to have sex with our spouses and not with our kids, and our kids grew up to be decent individuals. If the causality weren't so impossible to determine, one might be tempted to argue that we started having far more social problems -- and problems between children and parents specifically -- when we started isolating and distancing children from us "for their own good."

Oh, and when Supernanny actually BECOMES A MOTHER, I might start listening to what she has to say. In the meantime, taking advice from Supernanny about mothering is like taking advice on how to cook steak from a vegetarian.
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Old 08-10-2007, 12:28 PM
 
Location: Clayton, NC
850 posts, read 3,340,331 times
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We coslept with both of our children so my views on this are from that angle.

You've gotten some great advice that seems to be working. Yay for you! There are so many times in our children's lives when they need us emotionally....sometimes more than other times. Moving is such a traumatic shift in our little one's lives.

The poster who recommended rewarding the behavior you want instead of punishing the behavior you don't want was right on the money. Letting him pick a paint color and help paint a new room color. The tent idea was one we used. New bunkbeds, etc, etc. If you are truly ready to push the issue of them sleeping all night in their own room you can hold up a carrot. Casually (be sure you show no preference for the outcome) mention a gift card to a toy store that is theirs if they sleep all night in their room for whatever amount of days you want. Its a start.

I believe that allowing babies/children to cry it out alone is emotionally harmful and can damage the trust bond that is established those first few weeks when you newborn arrives.

Our kids always wanted to go to bed in their own rooms but ended up in our bed at some point during the night. At times, my younger son still wants to be put to bed IN our bed. I do the checking every 10 minutes with him and he is fine. If he was truly upset, I would let him. If he really needs the security of feeling close to us, then he will have it.

Contrary to what some may think about cosleeping and other "attachment parenting" methods, they produce a strongly bonded, very independent child. This is because the trust bond is secure (they always know we will respond to our needs). The child that isn't sure if their needs will be responded to, is the one that is said to lose that independence as they develop.

Lauren
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Old 08-15-2007, 01:06 AM
 
16,487 posts, read 20,380,902 times
Reputation: 16138
Quote:
Originally Posted by Charles Wallace View Post
What does this really mean?
Is it not "emotionally healthy" because parents are going to want to have sex from time to time?

Last I looked, you don't just have to have sex at night. You also don't just have to have sex in your bed.

If you're thinking that having a child in your bed will cause a person to feel incestuously toward their child...uh...well, let's just say that if that's the case, that person has issues that go far beyond sleep sharing. For ALMOST ALL of the rest of us, I don't think there's really a problem. Do you?


And then you go back in bed to sleep with your husband or wife? If your spouse said to you, "BrokenCrayola, you can't stay in my bed," I'm sure you'd calmly say, "Okay" and walk out of the room. Right?

I'm guessing not. I'm guessing that, like most people, you feel a sense of comfort and security sleeping with your spouse and you might feel unprotected or lonely without her or him.

Why is your child one whit different from you? Why are you entitled to the security and comfort of the people whom you love at night, but your child -- who is far more defenseless than you both emotionally and physically and knows it -- is not entitled to this security and comfort?

Our dubious "custom" of having children "crated" in separate rooms away from us is one that's only maybe about 70 years old at the best. Think about it: in previous eras, families often slept together in the same beds or the same rooms because they didn't have central heating and sharing a bed was a great way to keep from dying of hypothermia.

Somehow, we managed to have sex with our spouses and not with our kids, and our kids grew up to be decent individuals. If the causality weren't so impossible to determine, one might be tempted to argue that we started having far more social problems -- and problems between children and parents specifically -- when we started isolating and distancing children from us "for their own good."

Oh, and when Supernanny actually BECOMES A MOTHER, I might start listening to what she has to say. In the meantime, taking advice from Supernanny about mothering is like taking advice on how to cook steak from a vegetarian.
Charles Wallace, what the fu** are you talking about? All I said was it is not emotionally healthy for a child to sleep in their parents bed all the time. I personally think it does not do a child any favors allowing them to sleep in the parents bed. No one sleeps well, the child has a harder and harder time ever going to their own bed. I know of no one personally that has had nothing but trouble when they allowed their kids to sleep in their beds and they all regretted it. Where the he** did sex, incest, my personal sleep patterns enter into this whatsoever??? Get your freakin head out of the gutter. By the way, I sleep just fine alone without my husband and sometimes choose to sleep in my lounge chair alone, not that it is your business anyway.
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