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Old 04-29-2010, 03:52 PM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,330,437 times
Reputation: 7860
Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post
I am opposed to letting my kids cry it out, and I wouldn't do any type of controlled crying. I would lay with her in her own bed until she fell asleep for a while, maybe a week or even two, to get her used to her own bed. Then I would transition to sitting with her until she fell asleep instead of laying down with her. Then I would sit with her and go in and out of the room - "mommy needs to go use the potty, I'll be right back", "mommy needs to go put the laundry in the dryer, I'll be right back". Once she is used to that idea, then make the excursions last a little bit longer. The key here is that you always come back if you say you will. This allows the child to feel comfortable in her bed alone, while feeling confident that you will be back. Once the child feels comfortable, you may find that when you come back the child has fallen asleep without you. Keep doing this routine for another week or two. Once the child falls asleep consistently on her own, you can start leaving and not coming back. You can then decrease the amount of time that you spend sitting with her before you leave if you want to. We did this with my daughter when she was about 2.5 years old. It probably took 2 months or so, but it worked. Gentle, non-crying sleep solutions do work, but they are not quick fixes. Controlled crying solutions work more quickly, but I couldn't do that to my kids.

I like this idea.
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Old 04-30-2010, 07:41 AM
 
13,569 posts, read 14,786,130 times
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OK...night 2.

Last night was unique because my son had a baseball game that ran late and we had to get some groceries after the game. So, we had a little bit of a later start than normal. The kids had all cleaned up the play room and eaten dinner before we left for the game. When we got home we gave them a snack as it had been a couple hours since dinner.

Took my daughter up and gave her a bath and went went into her room where we read a story while she sat on my lap. When the book was done I laid her down and she immediately jumped up and cried for Elmo. I told her that we don't need Elmo to sleep and that she has to sleep in her big girl bed. She didn't really cry, more fuss and then climbed into her bed.

Since she didn't just freak I stayed next to her for a few minutes. I started out with my hand on her back for a couple minutes and then moved to the foot of her bed. She laid in bed and stared at me. When the 5 minutes were up, I stood up told her that I loved her and that mommy and daddy were here and it was time to go to sleep.

I walked out of the room...and...nothing. She went to sleep on her own without even a wimper. I know she was awake when I left her and I was prepared for tears, but none ever came.

She woke up around 3:30a and cried for mommy, so my wife went to see her. My wife also knew I had a meeting first thing and could use some extra sleep. As soon as my wife went in, she cried for daddy. I picked her up and held her for a minute and laid her back down in bed. I sat at the edge of her bed for a minute and then got up and walked out...not a peep and she slept in today and didn't get up until almost 8a when I was leaving for work.

Suffice to say, my wife and I are both thrilled and relieved. The only issue we see now is that she definitely prefers me for bedtime routine. My son was the opposite at this age and now I know how not fun being the "loved one" is when it comes to the middle of the night. We need to work on this part with her as my wife wants to make sure she is comfortable with both of us before my next business trip. We plan to start doing the routine together and then alternating nights until she is comfortable with both of us doing it. Though, hopefully in a couple weeks she will have gotten the message and just go to sleep when it's time.
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Old 04-30-2010, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Mebane
2,404 posts, read 3,694,209 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NCyank View Post
LOL...when you all figure out a no-cry solution to child rearing please let the rest of us know. Kids cry...the sooner you get over it the sooner they get over it.
Yes, kids will cry. But they don't need to cry alone. That's the difference. I don't give my kids everything they want when they want it, and yes, sometimes they cry about it. But I don't leave them alone to cry just to teach them a lesson. I think that sitting with a child while they cry is a totally different thing than leaving a child alone to cry.

In my opinion, leaving a child to cry alone may work to get them to go to sleep without you, and they may stop crying. But I think it's because the child is defeated, not because the child has suddenly learned to meet her own needs. And some people want their child to feel defeated, they think it shows them "who's boss". Other people are just so tired that they want something that works, and works quickly, and so crying works for them. But some of us would rather use a slower solution that doesn't involve crying, both because we want our child to learn to sleep independently while being affirmed, not defeated, and also because we don't want our children to cry more than is necessary because it hurt our hearts to hear them cry. The OP sounded like he was in the third category, like me, but apparently is actually in the second.

Quote:
Originally Posted by crisan
That doesn't sound like CIO a la Weissbluth or Ferber. I visit a forum where CIO is forbidden and any kind of "sleep training" is not recommended before 1 year. After a year they recommend Dr. Jay Gordon's technique which does involve crying. As he puts it, nobody likes a routine changed especially a baby. However, a baby who has had hundreds of nights next to mommy is not scared but angry at the change.
Crisan, the difference between Jay Gordon's method and other crying methods is that in Dr. Gordon's method, you do not leave the child alone to cry. You stay with the child, patting her back, talking, comforting, etc. The child knows that you are there and haven't abandoned her. Besides that, Jay Gordon says that he doesn't advocate sleep training at all, but that his method is an alternative to other crying methods for those who feel so desperate that they must try something. He repeatedly emphasizes: If, at any point this is feeling “wrong” to you, stop, wait some months and start over. Don’t go against your “gut instincts” which tell you that this is the wrong time to get longer sleep intervals from your baby. Your instincts are better than any sleep-modification program ever written. This approach is quite different from baby trainers who warn you to remain steadfast at all costs, hardening your heart to the sound of your baby's cries.

This paragraph from this link about sums up my opinion on controlled crying for sleep training: Baby Training
Keep one thing in mind when you consider letting your child cry it out. If you were upset and could not speak to communicate your needs, and you were crying in the middle of the night, how would you feel if your spouse walked by your room and ignored your cries? You would continue to cry until you came to the realization that the person who means more to you than anyone else in the world was not going to help you. Then you would stop crying. You would stop crying not because your needs have changed or gone away; no, you stop crying because you feel defeated. It is no different for your child. Yes, crying it out will eventually lead to an uninterrupted night of sleep, but why do the babies stop crying? Is it because their needs no longer exist? No, it is because they have learned that the world is a cold-hearted place and that their parents can't be trusted to meet their needs. Your uninterrupted night of sleep has a high cost indeed.
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Old 04-30-2010, 09:39 AM
 
13,569 posts, read 14,786,130 times
Reputation: 11512
ADVentive - I agree with your assessment. Our kids cry, of course, they all do, but we don't ignore them, it also means we don't pander to them.

The "method" we used and I don't even think it was really a method, really didn't leave her crying all alone in her room until defeated, it more or less set the stage for a new standard for her.

We aren't people who can't stand to hear their kids cry, we are just people who don't like to hear their kids cry when it's for a legitimate reason. In this case, I think it was a big dose of seperation anxiety and actually letting her shed some tears and then have us come in to comfort her seemed to get the point accross very quickly that we weren't going to leave her. As you can see through reading the posts we quickly transitioned to more of a "Super Nanny" technique of sitting in the room with her and gradually moving out of the room.

The hurdle for us was that we needed something to make her realize that sleeping in mommy and daddy's room was no longer acceptable and this seemed to do the trick. Now that she seems to "get it" we don't feel the need to make her upset by putting her in bed and walking out of the room right away, we can spend a reasonable amount of time comforting her and then transition out of the room.

I also need to point out that I don't consider my almost 22 month old to be a "baby". Our gut was telling us that it was the right time to sleep train as she is pretty independent and was no longer crying over 'need' but 'want'. Conversely I would never leave my 6 month old laying in her crib screaming in an attempt to train her to sleep through the night.
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