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Disclaimer- I am 57, childfree by choice, tubal ligation at age 30 because no one would do it earlier and I didn't know enough to insist. Likely lost one great guy over the issue.
I cannot stand the presence of babies or small children. I am good with older children and teenagers, but find it boring and draining and can't wait to get away.
When people have kids, their lives change. Their priority is their kids, at least the women change that way. As my friend, I'm interested in their experience of the change in the lives, and their feelings, not "Little Joey's poop is green" or whatever. If all they want to focus on, can focus on, is every little detail of their body and their kid,then our friendships dry up. Interestingly, I've recently heard from a couple of old friends, coincidentally as their younger kid leaves for college.
For the record, all people who are childfree or childless are not necessarily "clubbing, traveling," etc. And it is not a shallow life because of a lack of children. In fact, anecdotally, I've seen unchilded people have more time/energy/money to support and volunteer with causes important to them, while often parents are only interested in that which affects only their kids.
What are unchilded people doing? The same daily things most people do. Go to work. See friends. Support causes. Spend time with spouse, if so fortunate. Take care of business. Fix house, care for pets. Etc. This image of unchilded people out drinking and puking on their shoes or bragging about big-deal vacations and getting nails done at the spa is quite a stereotype. We are adults like anyone else, and live our lives. We just aren't focused on family, that is, kid family and activities.
Some unchilded people like kids. One friend of mine loves teaching middle-school music, never wanted kids (nor did either of her husbands). Many unchilded people I know really enjoy their spouses, because they aren't "stuck" for the needs of kids (I know that's only true for some parents, but it does exist).
Babies repulse me. Co-workers who want to shove pictures of larval newborns should know me by now. I am interested in how that parent or grandparent feels or is experiencing the new life, but that's it. If I see a photo of a family (not necessarily a baby), I cheerfully comment, "What a handsome family you are."
Unchilded friends might not be waiting aroundt to be contacted after the divorce/empty nest time- too many years. I do understand the early parent years as being quite consuming. I'd rather than parents of all ages didn't assume their greater maturity or my lesser-so.
I think your description fits most people who choose not to have children. The OP describes her friends specifically in a whole different light. I dont' think she is stereotyping or discussing people in general but those specific friends who for whatever reason cannot be happy if someone's choice is different from their own. ie - the flip side of those people who's whole life and every conversation revolves around their children and is disdainful of anyone who might choose otherwise. There are extremes on both ends but most people fall somewhere in the middle.
I think it comes down to whether they "hate" kids or have simply "chosen" not to want kids. Either way your relationships will change as will the dynamic between you and your friends. However, you can still be friends if they are simply in the camp that has chosen not to have kids. If they hate kids, then it will be a non-starter as it is inevitable you will want your friends included in some of your kids activities.
I raced cars for a long time and had a large group of friends that revolved around cars. As we got older we all started to get into more serious relationships, but I was one of the first to get married and have kids. We are all still friends, but the dynamic has shifted. Some of my friends are downright uncomfortable around little kids, while others love to see my kids and are like "uncles".
I have definitely gotten closer to the "uncles" and further from the others. However, as a whole they provide a great non-kid outlet for me. I can still go out and talk about cars and racing and be my old self for a little while. I don't mention my kids unless someone asks about them.
Some of my friends have become godfathers and others make it a mission to stop by my sons Little League games regularly (he's the only kid with a cheering section of guys in their 20's who all drive really loud cars) and still others couldn't pick my kids out of a lineup if their lives depended on it. All are acceptable to me.
My best friend (both 37 this year) does not like kids. She does not want kids. She did not marry until she was 35. I married at 25 and had kids around 30. We continue to be friends. She has never poo-pooed my choice, nor I hers. I think you will probably find that your "friends" are not true, life long friends, and will drift away as your priorities change. There is nothing wrong with either choice. They don't have to like kids, and you don't have to want to go clubbing at age 40. Perhaps they are a little jealous and don't want to admit it. Given the choice, perhaps they'd rather be married and have a family, but they aren't so they have to pretend. If they are true friends they'll continue to be after you are a mom. If they aren't then move on and make some mommy friends that you have more in common with.
I wanted to add that this friend of mine w/o kids is Godmother to both of mine. She lives far away, so we don't see her much, but she never forgets a birthday or holiday. In a way, my kids are more special to her because she doesn't have her own.
I think these particular friends sound shallow and quick to lash out at others; one would hope that if you do have kids that they'll not talk like that in front of you. Yes, you'll have the opportunities to find new friends, friends who won't bash you for the decision to have kids. They don't sound "young at heart," but rather immature. (I don't mean that their enjoyment of clubbing or any of that is immature -- nothing wrong with that, if that's what they like -- but rather the making faces, the snide baby comments, that sort of thing.)
I agree with other posters that most people are not on either end of the extreme; I have many friends who don't have children, and it isn't a problem. While you'll appreciate having friends who do have kids so that you can discuss all those things that are new and surprising or interesting (to you) about having a baby around, it's equally nice to have friends who want to talk about other things. Having a baby can be very isolating, and I certainly wanted to discuss things besides just my son. Your true friends will be willing and interested in hearing about your children within reason, just as you'd be willing to listen to them talk about the other important people in their lives. Keep the talk about things like breast pumps or diaper blowouts for your fellow new mom friends, though. It's the way-too-much-information details that give new parents a bad name. (although hopefully a good friend will give you a pass for the first few months while you adjust!)
To un-something seems to say you've reversed it or taken it off. Undress, unzip, undone. In places where I know using the word childfree will rile people, I say nonchilded or nonparent. It adds up to meaning '0' or 'not'.
Btw <waves to Brightdoglover > You disappeared from *cough* a certain newsgroup and I've wondered if you were OK.
When I decide to make changes in myself or changes in my life...I know that I might have to go through a "void" for awhile...I have to "drop out" of my old life in order to be free to create a brand new life for myself...It isn't always easy....Sometimes I have to "go it alone" for awhile until I meet new friends who reflect the "new me."....I never act mean and judgemental with my former friends...But most just stop calling after awhile because we don't have much in common anymore...It's not healthy to be around people who think that our choices in life are "stupid."
I apologize if this topic has already been discussed here. I have done a search but haven't found anything about this in the forum.
I am a 41 year old gal engaged to be married and planning on starting a family. Why it has taken this long for this to happen is a long story for another forum on here perhaps.
But here is my conundrum. I am surrounded by friends who are frankly baby haters. Every chance they get they are bashing a friend who had a baby or making faces about having babies. Yada yada. It's to the point where I feel like something is wrong with me for wanting to have a child. I personally think this is very normal.
The most recent encounter I had with this was my friend doing a group email on facebook talking about how she must be "young at heart" or "refusing to grow up" listening to 2 of us talking about children. How all she wanted to do was go out to the club and dance. I felt like she had just called me an old fuddy duddy. I resent this as I am not a fuddy duddy in the slightest. It's like they are angry that I want to have a kid. I mean hello! I am at the end of the point I can have one. *yes they are the same age as me* I guess I wish they would be respectful and appreciate we all want different things.
So, here is the question. How many of you have encountered this with your friends? And if you did, what was the long term ramifications of this on your friendships?
This is the same pull you down attitude that people do to people who try anything - Dieting is a good example. Tell your frieds that you are on a diet and they will invite you over for dinner. Tell your friends that you are giving up alcohol and they will buy you a drink.
Maybe they are afraid you will succeed.
Maby they can't handle change.
maybe they wished they could do it themselves.
Maybe they arebeing selfish because once you have a kid, you will need to spend time with the kid and therefore not with them.
Your priorities are changing, and you friendships will soon follow.
Exactly. Your true friends will support your decision and in no way make you feel bad about it. They will be happy for you and while they may not volunteer to babysit, they will be happy to be in the company of you and your children.
We just adopted three older children (9, 8, 7). We're in our 40s, so it was quite a shock to our friends.
Most are fine with it, but one pretty good friend is not a 'kid' person. So she and I get together without kids. Works out pretty well for both, and boy, I can use a non-kid break!!!
If you're friends, you'll find ways to make it work. But, you have to remember your first obligation is to the children now. Good luck!
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> You disappeared from *cough* a certain newsgroup and I've wondered if you were OK.
