Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
First, let me preface this by asking that anyone who does not have children refrains from responding. I know I had strong opinions on this topic before I had kids, but once the kids came along a lot has changed.
Our 3 year old daughter is prone to tantrums. She probably averages one every day or every other day. Generally speaking, our response to the tantrum is to either ignore it or to try and "talk her through it", depending on what type of tantrum it is. For the most part, we ignore them.
My wife recently had an experience that made me wonder if we should change our approach. Our daughter had a massive tantrum at our local grocery store that went on for 30 minutes or so. Ultimately my wife picked her up and carried her out to the car, no small feat considering she had a cart full of groceries and our 18 month old to deal with as well. As she was doing this, an older gentleman angrily said to her "you should have done that half an hour ago". Presumably he had witnessed all of the tantrum. While my wife didn't appreciate his commentary (and told him so), it did get me thinking.
What I'm wondering is, was he right and is it time for us to start taking more of a hard line approach to these fits? Specifically, if she has a tantrum at home, pick her up and put her in her room. If she has a tantrum while we are out, pick her up, put her in the car and go home. I should point out that I don't think this will necessarily work. Meaning if we were to put her in her room she wouldn't just stay there, she would come out and be twice as upset as she was previously. And picking her up while she is having a fit is a challenge as she pushes and fights us on it, and again, it makes her more upset. So I don't even know if this is an option.
I guess my main question is, is it too late to change this? Will taking a different approach even be effective at this time?
I will say that our daughter is well behaved and a "good kid", despite the tantrums. When the fits do end, she is fine and even apologetic. And, most importantly from my perspective, she never gets what she wants when she does have a fit. Meaning if she wanted a treat and that is what she is having a fit about, we stand our ground and she doesn't get the treat, despite the fit.
I know this is the age for this and from most everything I read, what we are experiencing is pretty normal. But it really does wear on us after a while and I'm curious to hear what others thoughts are on this.
My daughter pitched some doosies at that age. Usually when I was picking her up from daycare and she was worn out and ready to unload on someone safe--me.
I think you're handling it just right. Kids that age feel angry and frustrated just like the rest of us do, but aren't patient and can't express themselves.
Since she's self-aware and apologetic, you can maybe talk to her when she's calm about the tantrums and say something like "I know it's hard and scary to feel so out of control, so let's think of some ways we can help you calm down when you're upset." That might help her to feel a bit more in control of her situation. Another thing I used to do was help her verbalize what was going on. "I know you're angry because you don't want to leave Grandma's house and it's fun here, but we have to go now." Also, be sure and model good behavior when you're tired and frustrated, even though that's easier said than done.
She'll grow out of it and as long as you're not giving in to what she wants, you're not doing anything wrong.
Well, you may want to evaluate her instead of taking a hard line approach. Because with some kids who may have problems, the hard line approach doesn't work.
When my son didn't leave his "terrible twos" behind at 3 and at 4, was prone to tantrums and getting wild in crowds (stores) and the hard line approach just made him freeze and cry, and blaming us later (ie not "learning the lesson") , ------- finally I asked our Dr to refer us to an autistic team to evaluate.
Well, he's borderline Autistic and the usual disciplinarian measures that I did with his 1.5 year older sister, just don't work. I learned to ignore people staring as if I am the worst mother in the world and haven't taught "the little brat" better. They have no clue. I love a line one mother with an autistic son, suggested telling them, - "This is how Autism looks like. My son has it."
Not to scare you, but if you have felt that her development should have moved onto the next stage, and it hasn't, time to consult people who may know more than you do.
And by the time she has to go to school, at least she will be a bit better behaved, and everyone will be on board to provide needed help there.
I agree with pp, there may be something else going on here. Tantrums usually go away when children can speak. Is she speech delayed? Now there are older children who throw tantrums but that is usually because they work, which based on your description is not your case.
#1 NEVER gave me 30 min tantrums or really any tantrums in general. But there are other things he has made up for in that category
#2 (who is 2 1/2) has a temper. Not every day but he has exploded. I see improvements in certain areas & am really getting good at knowing the triggers. But it takes time.
So, yes, it does get wearing. Watch for triggers and watch for improvements over TIME.
A 5yr old having 30 min tantrums is not "normal" (I use that word very carefully!!!) but a 2-3yr old having a hard time getting back from tantrum stage & it taking time is somewhat normal.
Again, you just monitor it & if something over time doesn't sit right w/ you, you go on to the next step which is probably a talk w/ the ped.
Are there times of day that are particularly good or bad for her? A tired or hungry toddler/child is a recipe for disaster. I would try to do things at the times when things tend to be better. By doing this (and I realized it's not always possible), you give her opportunities for success then make a point of telling her what a pleasure it was to go shopping when she is so well behaved. Occasionally (not always and not predictably) say something like "you were SO good at the store today, we got in and out quickly and now we have time to go to the park!. Notice this is done AFTER a successful trip and not mentioned beforehand. Do NOT say, "if you are good at the store then we can go to the park" That is a bribe and will come back to bite you in the rear.
First, let me preface this by asking that anyone who does not have children refrains from responding. I know I had strong opinions on this topic before I had kids, but once the kids came along a lot has changed.
Our 3 year old daughter is prone to tantrums. She probably averages one every day or every other day. Generally speaking, our response to the tantrum is to either ignore it or to try and "talk her through it", depending on what type of tantrum it is. For the most part, we ignore them.
My wife recently had an experience that made me wonder if we should change our approach. Our daughter had a massive tantrum at our local grocery store that went on for 30 minutes or so. Ultimately my wife picked her up and carried her out to the car, no small feat considering she had a cart full of groceries and our 18 month old to deal with as well. As she was doing this, an older gentleman angrily said to her "you should have done that half an hour ago". Presumably he had witnessed all of the tantrum. While my wife didn't appreciate his commentary (and told him so), it did get me thinking.
What I'm wondering is, was he right and is it time for us to start taking more of a hard line approach to these fits? Specifically, if she has a tantrum at home, pick her up and put her in her room. If she has a tantrum while we are out, pick her up, put her in the car and go home. I should point out that I don't think this will necessarily work. Meaning if we were to put her in her room she wouldn't just stay there, she would come out and be twice as upset as she was previously. And picking her up while she is having a fit is a challenge as she pushes and fights us on it, and again, it makes her more upset. So I don't even know if this is an option.
I guess my main question is, is it too late to change this? Will taking a different approach even be effective at this time?
I will say that our daughter is well behaved and a "good kid", despite the tantrums. When the fits do end, she is fine and even apologetic. And, most importantly from my perspective, she never gets what she wants when she does have a fit. Meaning if she wanted a treat and that is what she is having a fit about, we stand our ground and she doesn't get the treat, despite the fit.
I know this is the age for this and from most everything I read, what we are experiencing is pretty normal. But it really does wear on us after a while and I'm curious to hear what others thoughts are on this.
that happened to me several times and yes, I left the cart full of stuff and left the store. I do not believe in the "ignoring" method as it is uncomfortable for me and I know others are not fond of all the screaming. So, we started doing the grocery shopping when spouse could stay home with the child. While this was a band aid, we needed a solution. So, I started telling my child BEFORE leaving to the store what I expected of her--good behavior, no screaming, we are not buying toys, only food, etc. I kept her busy in the store also by having her "help" me find things. Now, what if she threw a fit in the store? We started the counting...you better stop crying by the time I count to 5 OR we will have a talk in the bathroom. I would do in a stearn voice while continue to shop, 1-you'd better stop, 2-get it together, 3-quiet down, 4-we will talk in the bathroom and it usually didn't get to 5. It got to the point where all I needed to do was hold up 1 finger...Now, "leaving" a fun place was also an instigator for tantrums so I discovered the timer on my cell phone. I would give her the warning that 10 minutes to play when the timer goes off, we leave. I set the timer on my phone, when she'd hear the buzzing, etc, she'd drop everything and come along with no fits. I started using this for everything, naps, baths, etc. worked for her.
I strongly resent having to listen to someone screaming kid at the store. There was a little boy who screamed for a full 30 minutes at the store one day, throwing a hissy fit over something he wanted. His Mom completely ignored him the whole time while everyone within ear shot was terribly annoyed and shot the Mom dagger looks.
When mine started that, I got them out of there as fast as I could and we went right home. Next time, they didn't get to go.
How anyone raises their children is their own business until they expect people in the public to put up with it... then it is everyones business. I DO have to say this, I have seen that kind of behavior less and less in public. I can't remember the last time I had to endure someone else's screaming child in public.
I had one that use to throw temper tantrums. He would do the screaming, throwing himself down and butting his head kind of fit. It was always ignored or laughed at so he didn't do it often. He learned to stop it when he butted his head to hard one time and had to get stitches.. LOL! THAT was the last fit he threw.. He NEVER did that in public though, he was smart enough to know that was a line he did not want to cross!
I have 2 girls, 11 and 2. The 11 yr old was a "perfect child". I can remember being in the store and wondering what was wrong with those other parents who had a screaming 2 yr old when my little girls was so good. I must be a better mom and know how to raise a good kid.
Well, how stupid of my. My now 2 yr old is a handful to put it mildly. Kids are just so differant. If we are home and she is having a fit a sit her in a corner and tell her she can come out when she is done. Most of the time she will cry herself to sleep, wake up and will be just fine. Or she will cry for 15 minutes then all of a sudden stop, come over give me a hug and ask if she can go play now. I try not to go grocery shopping with her unless my husband can go to help with her. If she screams in the store one of us will take her to the car. I do bribe her by telling her if she is good at the store we will have ice cream cones when we get home or something like that. I don't think my daughter has anything wrong with her she is just spunky. I try to think that this could be a good thing and she will be a very strong minded person whe she grows up.
Bottom line, IMHO, I let mine cry for a few minutes in the store. Other people will just have to deal with it. But much more than that we are leaving. Noone wants to hear a child scream for 30 minutes. She's my kid and I love her to death but I don't want to hear her cry in a store for a long time so I know it is driving other shoppers crazy too.
My oldest was MUCH easier than my youngest too....as little ones. It evened out during the teens (so far anyway LOL)....
I would try to change around that bribing now while your youngest is still little though. One of the problems with bribing is that eventually they figure out they have you over a barrel and you end up upping the ante. Nothing wrong with reinforcing postitive behavior, just be sure YOU are the one who controls it. With bribes, the recipient is the one in control.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
