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Old 06-22-2007, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,203 posts, read 15,012,809 times
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In my son's case, it may partly be because his sister has already sewn up the "overachieving child" category in our family. I've tried to tell him that he doesn't have to get perfect grades; he just has to get at least a "C" average. The problem is that he doesn't have anything he's really passionate about. He only cares about things that interest him, and so far he doesn't really have anything - beyond playing poker online, of course!
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Old 06-22-2007, 01:35 PM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,981 posts, read 15,898,310 times
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SandyCo

Cremebrulee posted this in another section - if you haven't seen it and the follow ups, you need to watch what can happen with an unassuming man does what he loves.


YouTube - Paul sings Nessun Dorma high quality video/sound

This is Paul Potts - he took Britain's Got Talent by storm...and if you watch this one, then the semi final, then the finals where he actually won (and subsequently signed a $2,000,000 contract with Simon Cowell), then sang yesterday on the Today show - you can actually see this man change before your very eyes.

Whatever you son's passion, you have to help him find it. You may spend a bucket of money and time doing so - but here's a mobile phone salesman desperately in debt who just opened his mouth and let it fly. He took his shower singing to the next level - and he will be huge.

Your son is probably with his head in the computer because he's very unsure of himself and it's easy (don't we all know) to do well anonymously. My child didn't give up the gambling until he took up golf...whatever....! He will catch his stride, but you may have to be switching his legs to get him to do so. Sometimes we as parents can set the bar and the child still doesn't rise to the occasion; then they have to set their own bar and it may be quite a bit lower than what you had hoped, but at the end of the day - it's his bar and he owns it.

With regard to your daughter, and I truly don't mean to sound ugly - but she didn't take all advanced courses and end up with a 4.0 GPA. That would be a tough act to follow. I think you're basically letting him hide behind "the sister who is the overachiever" and maybe even making some excuses for him. It may be his dreams are very different than yours, but he can't express them for fear of sounding dumb or whatever crazy stuff it is kids think - that you won't approve or whatever. I don't think gambling is a good calling for a 19-year-old, but he may have to take a tumble before he can stand up and brush himself off and start all over again.
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Old 06-22-2007, 02:03 PM
 
1,341 posts, read 4,310,880 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Davart View Post
This my not be the popular thing to say, but parents have to set the bar for their kids when they're young. Then when you set them loose on the world they know how to set the bar themselves. If they don't know how the get motivated about their future, then you need to look to the past.
I agree with you 100%. Just like you teach a child to walk, talk and run..you can influence mannerisms as well. If you ingrain a good value system which includes academics and education..chances are they will be on a good road to success...BUT as the PARENT, we must also take responsibility and accountablity for giving children the tools they need to succeed. We must..no matter how tired we are, not matter how much we like to surf the net, TIVO the ball game (or desperate housewives)..sit down from the get go and be involved with the kids...ask questions early on, sit down with them and do their homework...If a child gets this from kindergarten on..they will learn to expect it when they are older.

As far as the gender thing...I didnt realize that the boys are failing out. I knew that there was a big thing about different genders steer towards different subjects (males gravitate towards the math and sciences...and females toward the more "nurturing" disciplines").

But the way the life is now...there really shouldnt be or need to be anything that holds any gender back from success.

My dh also went to a single sex prep catholic school. And said it kicked his butt..but then went on to a great university.

I would send my girls to a single sex school in a heartbeat..but the closest one is 1.5 hours away.

For the parents who already have teens and such...if you are unhappy with their choices...arent you sort enabling them to hang out, sit on the couch and be non productive? Are they paying rent, do they have a job....how are you giving them to tools to be accountable for their lives? What are there friends doing...

Good topic!
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Old 06-22-2007, 11:30 PM
 
743 posts, read 2,038,280 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buckhead_Broker View Post
I have developed over $345 million in real estate projects since graduating from college.
Yeah.....and you don't even need a degree to be a realtor....go figure.
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Old 06-22-2007, 11:37 PM
 
743 posts, read 2,038,280 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2gurls View Post
If you ingrain a good value system which includes academics and education..chances are they will be on a good road to success...BUT as the PARENT, we must also take responsibility and accountablity for giving children the tools they need to succeed.
From you username, I assume you don't have any boys. Do you know how difficult it can be to motivate some children, esp boys? It's like a completely different world. I have one boy and two girls.

In our house, education and reading and being healthy is valued. No couch potatoes allowed here. Period. All of my kids go to private schools, play sports, music, etc, etc, ....but, my son is the only one who continually complains "how hard" everything is and is completely unmotivated.

He would live his life in front of a computer screen, if I let him. Well, I don't'; I strictly limit it, but he still wants it every second of the day that is not accounted for. He asks for it, wants it, craves it.

Sometimes he says he doesn't care about "stupid school" and doing well. Then I tell him to take a good look at the garbage man the next time he comes, because that's what's he'll be doing the rest of his life if he doesn't have any goals.

It's very difficult, becasue as a parent, you assume your kids will adopt your values and morals. Sometimes, it seems like they're going after the exact opposite.
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Old 10-16-2007, 10:44 PM
 
1 posts, read 7,080 times
Reputation: 10
Default 1st time on here.

ok. My son is 19 - about 3 months ago moved a friend also 19 in our house his "cousin" we had 2 days notice. For a month they staid out until 4 am & slept until late afternoon. I put my foot down (I'm not real good at that) they finally got jobs. They've had about 3 paychecks & I had been asking for them to buy some food. They did not.Last weekend, I asked for $25 And starting Nov 1st $100 each per month. They have been avoiding me until today. But they did bring in some food. They "left for the bank" around 4pm today- I knew they were not coming home until I was in bed. I texted the friend to leave the money on the table in the morning. Next thing I know my son calls me & says I am not ALLOWED to talk to "the friend" anymore. I said, "What? Under MY roof? What are you saying?" He (my son)said he hated me & has NEVER liked me. That hurt so bad. I gave him an hour to get both their things OUT of my house. The friend came & moved everything. I have not seen my son at all tonight. They keep texting awful things to me. I have 2 younger children & they told me that I (bad word) up. And hope I do not make the same mistake with the younger ones. What did I do that was so awful? I asked for money to help pay the bills. I fed this stranger for months - bought him shoes for a job interview. This is my thanks? I do not get it. I'm mad - I'm worried - I'm a mom. Oh yeah, they never did a thing around the house even when asked. This really is not a reply, but I'm new I did not know how to say what is on my mind. upset mom
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam I Am View Post
SandyCo...

There is a part 2 to our story...I waited to see if anyone else would mention it because I hate this part of our lives, but here goes...and please, I truly am only trying to help...

My son did not graduate high school until he was 19 - he started late, he had problems. He had horrible self-esteem. He tried a semester of college, bombed out in a big way, and said we were wasting our money and his time...and proceeded to sit down for the next year. He SAID he was looking for a job, and I will admit he made some half-hearted attempts, but he would inevitably come home saying the company wasn't hiring, it was boring, he couldn't live on that kind of money - and he played video games and slept, and we enabled him. Much like your son, he hung out with his friends. I figured his brother was slipping him money, or he was bumming from his friends, and sometimes that was true....but it seemed he had some pocket change all the time, wanted to stay out until all hours, and then slept a lot of the day away. He worked little odd jobs. Can you see where I'm headed with this? He was as stoned as they come; that's why he wasn't motivated to look for any kind of job in any of the traditional places - they wanted a pee test....and he sold a little weed on the side to his friends for his pocket change and to keep himself high. We never really had a clue - he's got some problems with learning, so we chalked up his inability to have any self-confidence at all to that...he was sleeping all day and stayed pretty secluded and went out at night - we were in bed....open your eyes. The answer may be right there. We didn't know until a couple of years ago and were SHOCKED - but part of it was that we were treating him like an adult when he wasn't - age-wise, yes - maturity-wise, no way. We "allowed" (and enabled) him to get by with so much, thinking if we treated him like an adult he would act like one and rise to the occasion. He didn't. I'm not saying all kids are like that - and maybe your child isn't.

Remember how your mother always said, "if you live under my roof, you'll play by my rules"....and that's the way it has to be. I totally agree with the other poster - your mission in life is not to be his best buddy, and you've mentored him now for 19 years. It's time for him to either be a little boy or be a man....and sometimes you have to push the issue a little bit to get the man to come out. In the meantime, be aware of what is going on in your own home....be very aware, and try to do the math if your son won't apply himself to school or to getting a "regular" part-time job. It's not a pretty picture, but it's all too common.

Last edited by Dee Ann; 10-16-2007 at 10:48 PM.. Reason: left out some info
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Old 10-17-2007, 06:08 AM
 
Location: Boonies of Georgia ~~~~ nuttier than a squirrel turd !
1,950 posts, read 4,659,761 times
Reputation: 2247
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dee Ann View Post
ok. My son is 19 - about 3 months ago moved a friend also 19 in our house his "cousin" we had 2 days notice. For a month they staid out until 4 am & slept until late afternoon. I put my foot down (I'm not real good at that) they finally got jobs. They've had about 3 paychecks & I had been asking for them to buy some food. They did not.Last weekend, I asked for $25 And starting Nov 1st $100 each per month. They have been avoiding me until today. But they did bring in some food. They "left for the bank" around 4pm today- I knew they were not coming home until I was in bed. I texted the friend to leave the money on the table in the morning. Next thing I know my son calls me & says I am not ALLOWED to talk to "the friend" anymore. I said, "What? Under MY roof? What are you saying?" He (my son)said he hated me & has NEVER liked me. That hurt so bad. I gave him an hour to get both their things OUT of my house. The friend came & moved everything. I have not seen my son at all tonight. They keep texting awful things to me. I have 2 younger children & they told me that I (bad word) up. And hope I do not make the same mistake with the younger ones. What did I do that was so awful?I asked for money to help pay the bills. I fed this stranger for months - bought him shoes for a job interview. This is my thanks? I do not get it. I'm mad - I'm worried - I'm a mom. Oh yeah, they never did a thing around the house even when asked. This really is not a reply, but I'm new I did not know how to say what is on my mind. upset mom


First of all..... Welcome to City Data.
A little FYI : To start your own thread (since this one is so old), when you go to the parenting forum, at the very top the is a "New thread" option.
By statring a new thread, the forum members will know that it is a different situation (?) and may respond more frequently. You may want to start fresh.
I have found alot of wonderful people that have been through the "teenage" years, offering alot of amazing advice and support. Sometimes we need a place to get our feeling out.

I wanted to reply to your post.

I also have experienced the "moving friends in". Went thru the same thing, although they never stayed out late (because they were hungry). They ate me out of house and home. I did put an end to it after one summer.
I will tell you this, one day, your sons "cousin" will be just a memory. My son and his "treasured friends" were very close and would do anything for one another. My son recently (just last week) found out exactly where he stood with his "treasured friends". My son and I had a fall out. My son returned to his home state, and his "treasued friends" made absolutely no time for him. Once my son became no longer "useable" , he became "disposable".
Your son will also come to realize this one day.
From what I am reading, you have done nothing aweful. You are expecting them to be responsible adults and contribute to the household.
They are both 19, and in the eyes of the law adults. Let them go.
They will tell you how horrible you are..... be proud of that. When they think you are rotten, in hind sight, you will come to find out that you are doing the best for them both.
Right now, you are rotten because you are not letting them walk all over you.
With other young ones in the house, my opinion would be NOT to let them back into your house. Atleast, without agreeing and following your rules of "your" home. They are setting bad examples for the younger ones.
Show your younger ones NOW that the rules of the must be obeyed and respect is a "must have" in your home.

Again, welcome to the forum.
I hope things get better for you and yours.
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Old 10-17-2007, 06:50 AM
 
Location: Da Parish
1,127 posts, read 4,446,051 times
Reputation: 985
"What did I do that was so awful?"

Dee Ann you ruined what was essentially a children's sleep over by demanding that two young adults actually act like two young adults. Realize that your son's immaturity reveals itself when he resorts to telling you "I hate you and I never liked you." These statements are used by small children when they don't get what they want. Just like dealing with a small child, ignore the comments and carry on with what you are doing, you are being a good parent.

By the way, his using curse words is abusive and unnecessary and as his Mother, he owes you at least the courtesy of not cursing in front of you. I would refuse to answer any further text messages that contain abusive language and would let him know that anytime he curses the conversation is over. Two adults should be able to argue without abusive language imo. Best wishes with your situation, this too shall pass.
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Old 10-17-2007, 11:42 AM
 
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow!
430 posts, read 1,131,235 times
Reputation: 305
Quote:
Originally Posted by SandyCo View Post
In my son's case, it may partly be because his sister has already sewn up the "overachieving child" category in our family. I've tried to tell him that he doesn't have to get perfect grades; he just has to get at least a "C" average. The problem is that he doesn't have anything he's really passionate about. He only cares about things that interest him, and so far he doesn't really have anything - beyond playing poker online, of course!
Show your son the door, quit paying for his college education if you are doing so, don't give him a cent and let him figure out what to do with his life and his future! He doesn't need anything to feel "passionate" about, passion may come when he realizes he has no visiable support coming from you. 19 year olds are adults....they will not act like one unless you empower them to become one. Continuing to allow the behavior is just enabling him to continue his "lifestyle" choices....chin up Mom, they sometimes need to be KICKED out of the nest to learn to fly...

Ozark Nana
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Old 10-18-2007, 05:06 AM
 
203 posts, read 814,173 times
Reputation: 138
My first question would be, does your son have any friends? true friends?..............school and all the hobbies in the world will be no fun if it's done alone........perhaps this is where the "male friend" can step in and do a specific guy thing that they could both enjoy and look forward to on a weekly basis.......

............it sounds very sad that the computer is his entire focus right now, ask yourself if he's using it as a barrier from the world?
............and as far as jobs go..........with his track record, I'd be very surprised if he lasted a week..........try going thru friends/family for job options, they will hopefully be more tolerant of his ways.
At this point if he gets a traditional job and gets "let go"/fired, it'll give him more reason to hide........give him something that's impossible to fail at............he needs a major boost in his self esteem
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