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Old 10-18-2007, 07:06 AM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,203 posts, read 15,012,809 times
Reputation: 7951

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Since this thread was revived, let me give a quick update..

He got a job working at Ralph's (supermarket) as a bagger/cashier. They seem to like him, and he's doing very well there. He's even starting to pay me back some of the money he owes me and he actually got me two birthday presents this year.

On the other side, a few weeks ago we had another discussion about him getting a car, in which I said "no" yet again. He proceeded to call me a b**** and told me he hated me. We were on our way to Staples to get school supplies for him, so I blew a gasket and said that the money train was going to stop dead cold if he talked to me like that! He grudgingly apologized. I was angry about that for at least two days. (And I cried later on when I locked myself in the bathroom; I'm tough in front of him, though!)

He's in school, but he dropped his English class. At this point, I'd rather have him focus on the remaining classes and hopefully do well in all of them, than to have English drag him down into a pit of despair. At the moment, he seems to be doing okay in his classes, so my fingers are crossed that he's finally taking all of this seriously.

More to follow as the semester goes until the end of January. He has talked about everything from moving to Vegas with a friend, to staying in school here and majoring in business. At least he is thinking about his future!
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Old 11-07-2007, 07:36 AM
 
2 posts, read 17,434 times
Reputation: 11
Default How to guide my 19 year old

I have a 19 year old who recently just graduated from high school last year after me pushing him and pushing him. He struggled all through his school years due to learning disabilities, such as reading comprehesion, lack of critical thinking skills, depression and unable to express his feelings or ask for help for fear of embarrassment. We had him evaluated by school psychiratrist and personal doctors in this field to test him and evaluate him. For a while they thought he was bipolar but found that he wasn't. He lives in a fantasy world and thinks that he could still go to college anywhere he wants and play football. When he is unable to pass any test or process things that normal teens his age can. He spends all his time writing rap music and making CD's which some sound pretty good. He taught his self how to do it. But he would not survive at any college by himself or living by him self. We find that he is constantly lying now to make us happy just so he doesn't have to deal with conflict. He stays to him self has never had very many friends because he always thinks people don't like him. Low self esteem and no confidence at times. When I get him to realize he can do things or accomplish little goals I set for him he does good for a while then slips back into a slump. He has lost a couple really good jobs because he is late or feels like he doesn't want to go because he is losing time on making music. He doesn't realize that he needs money to survive. My husband of 15 years has given both my kids any thing and everything but does not tolerate lying. So in this past year he has made our son move out 3 times in this past year for a week or two, then my son say's he has learned his lesson and moves back home and does well for a few months and then lies again. He basically lies because he doesn't want to hear us fuss at him. He is currently working two jobs but calls off or doesn't go and one of his jobs is in jeopardy. He thinks he can get an apartment but he would not make it on his own unless I'm there to make him go to work on time or remind him of what he needs to do constantly. I'm at my witts end, my husband thinks that we should force him in the army, but my son has a fear of dying. I don't think that he could handle the military mentally at all! If anyone has any ideals or program ideals that is not costly please respond.
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Old 11-07-2007, 10:01 AM
 
Location: Monterey Bay, California -- watching the sea lions, whales and otters! :D
1,906 posts, read 6,124,729 times
Reputation: 2601
It sounds like your son needs to enter the "real" world of being independent, earning his own wages, and paying for his own needs. Once he's hit a few bumps (rocks) in the road, he'll get the wake-up call. It sounds like that although you have made him move out, that you have then let him back and he's aware that you will support him in that. Sometimes the School of Hard Knocks is the best education there is. If he were my son, I'd brace myself and make him continue working, help him with a down payment for an apartment, and have him move. Then, I'd let him flounder for a year or two until he realized he'd have to take care of himself.

I have a younger sister (15 years younger) who didn't want to work, didn't want to go to college, was 19 and my dad told her she either had to get a job or go to college -- she wanted neither -- to our surprise, she joined the Army for three years! Once she got out, she had the GI Bill, was able to finance a home, and got married. She is now successfully married to an ambitious man, and is getting her daughter into college. My dad stuck to his guns and it paid off. Otherwise, I'd guess she'd still be there.

As a friend of mine once told me while raising my daughter, "We don't know what we have in our kids until later -- it's like throwing a deck of cards into the air, and you don't know what you have until they fall to the ground." How true.

Good luck to you!
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Old 11-18-2007, 05:14 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,395 posts, read 15,995,267 times
Reputation: 18034
Just wondering to the OP- is your son depressed? It sort of sounds like my family situation- I had well above a 4.0 in high school, am going to one of the best schools in the country, and despite having 3 majors, 2 minors and a chronic illness, I'm still holding down a steady 3.2 GPA and have a part time job.

My brother is 18 and, while a genius, does not perform well in school. He's applying to colleges but will probably not get into any that would suit him (he needs a highly charged intellectual environment to succeed) because his grades are so bad. Recently, he called me and told me I needed to act as an intermediary to my parents to get him to a psychiatrist because, in his words, our parents were missing all the clues. Although I always knew he was depressed, to most people, you'd have absolutely no clue and his behaviors never really radically changed and he had all the right friends and right activities. Now that he's in therapy, my mom had to go to the first session and it turns out a lot of his issues are stemmed from the fact that he has always been compared to me and lived in my "shadow", as it were. He also is bipolar. Between therapy and meds, he's doing a lot better in terms of motivation.

Also, going to college is SCARY. I go to college 1000 miles away from home and I'll admit it- I'm a sophomore and sometimes it's all so overwhelming that I don't leave bed for days (also stemming from my illness.. but the terrifiedness doesn't help). I honestly think kicking out your kid is a horrible idea. If my parents had done that to my brother, he'd be dead in some ally somewhere. People deal, but not everyone handles it the same way.
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Old 03-02-2008, 12:05 PM
 
Location: United States
1 posts, read 8,710 times
Reputation: 11
I am struggling with an 18 year old son, trying to motivate him. I pray everyday for wisdom. He is a good/sweet boy. Got 2 jobs when he was 16 & bought his first car...his father has been a very hard, critical man as a father My son has been quiet up until he was 17 and couldn't take the verbal abuse and returned the words. His father said he had to move out...It has devasted my son, his grades and ambition seem to have dropped. He has become very critical and angry towards his father (which I cannot blame). I haven't given up but find get very discouraged at times, my heart hurts for both of them. I have realized a lot how my hsb was raised & understand why he is the father he is, but it is difficult for a teenager to understand...any suggestions?
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Old 03-02-2008, 12:37 PM
 
48,519 posts, read 81,013,914 times
Reputation: 17978
At that ageit is hard for you to motivate you son or daughter.I certainly woudn't pay for him to fail in college;waste of yoiur money and the tax payers if state supported. Let him get a full time job and pay for his keep awhile. If you can't do this then your probably going to support him for a long time.
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Old 03-02-2008, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Monterey Bay, California -- watching the sea lions, whales and otters! :D
1,906 posts, read 6,124,729 times
Reputation: 2601
Quote:
tmom: I am struggling with an 18 year old son, trying to motivate him. I pray everyday for wisdom. He is a good/sweet boy. Got 2 jobs when he was 16 & bought his first car...his father has been a very hard, critical man as a father My son has been quiet up until he was 17 and couldn't take the verbal abuse and returned the words. His father said he had to move out...It has devasted my son, his grades and ambition seem to have dropped. He has become very critical and angry towards his father (which I cannot blame). I haven't given up but find get very discouraged at times, my heart hurts for both of them. I have realized a lot how my hsb was raised & understand why he is the father he is, but it is difficult for a teenager to understand...any suggestions?
Is your son still in high school or has he graduated from high school?

Wow, this sounds like an intense situation and it is these kinds of situations where sometimes the kids are better off with just one parent -- the better parent. Because you (apparently) take abuse from your husband, and you "understand" why he is abusive, (which doesn't mean you should take it -- abuse is abuse, no matter why the person is abusive), your son should not have to deal with that.

I think it is your husband you should give up on -- your son is trying to find his way, it sounds like he has tried hard to please his father, but my guess is that he will never be able to please him. I'd encourage your son to look toward the future (if he's in high school, then he knows he will be going to college or working as soon as summer comes).

I cringe when I hear things like this. I do not know why you would subject your child to a husband like that -- my guess is money, which is why many women stay in abusive relationships.

I would try to encourage your son, let him know that he is at least loved by you, and that in the future, on his own, he can choose his own friends -- that "friends are family we choose." He couldn't choose his father, but he can choose to have a better future and better friends. I feel for your son. Try to do what you can to give him a better life.

Good luck.
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Old 04-28-2008, 02:25 PM
 
1 posts, read 8,614 times
Reputation: 12
Default Ummotivated kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by mollysmiles View Post
I completely agree with Sam....I have 3 teens, and an 8 year old, with the oldest at 17....the two older have been unmotivated in high school, and it will effect their ability to attend school after high school. It's not horrible, they're passing with Cs and Ds, but their ability is beyond that! It's very frustrating to see what they're capable of, yet not living to that standard. However, you have to be strong and set the guidelines, even if the kid fails. He'll get back up! My almost 16 year old hasn't taken driver's ed yet, because I won't pay for it until the grades come up. My 17 year old flunked a class one quarter this past year, and was off the cheering squad because of it. She hasn't had a problem passing since then! The lessons are hard, but they're best learned young. I will say though, sometimes it's hard to "stick to your guns", but it's the best thing you can do... Good luck!
I have a 17 year old boy and he has no motivation what so ever he has no goals for life and isn't looking for anything out of life. He has taken the test to go into the Army but didn't score so good, due to not wanting to go. We have talked for awhile now to see just what it is he wants to do and he says he doesn't know. So I have stepped into try to help him out and I made the recommendation he tries the Army adn if he doesn't like it I'm looking towards Job Corps where he can learn a trade and get some kind of skills behind him. I feel so bad as a mom I just don't know what else to do I feel I have failed my son, but I have to keep telling myself it's not my fault he has to have some responsibility for himself, so please help what should I do?
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Old 04-28-2008, 02:50 PM
 
2 posts, read 16,818 times
Reputation: 14
I agree with Mbuszu, give the kid a break. It sounds like college isn't working out for him right now. That's okay because you can go to college at any age. Don't kick him out - that's not parenting. He needs your help to move out and start taking care of things himself. After he's in a job for a few years and has to pay his own bills, he may find the career path that will work for him and go back to college. That is the hope. But he will never find himself if you just kick him out and give up on him.
Also, if he's failing, he's probably really disapointed in himself. He may already feel like a failure and you confirming that isn't going to help him become successful.
My suggestion is to sit down with him and have a true heart to heart. Start by telling him that you are concerned that he may not be pursuing what he really wants in life. Ask him to tell you what he wants and then make a plan that works for both of you. Make sure your plan has some accountability worked in, i.e. he decides he wants to get a job and try living on his own so you agree on a time limit to find a job and then an apartment (say 6 months to find a job and 9 months to find an apartment). If he doesn't meet his goals, work with him, examine why he hasn't found a job or apartment and then come up with a new plan. Do this over and over until he's finally on his feet. And be sure to let him know he can come to you when he has questions about finances, leases, etc but don't act like he is too dumb to do it himself. Just leave the door open for him to come to you when he messes up. That puts you in a position to share with him your knowledge without sounding condescending. He is going to mess up a lot but we all did. If you want to be a good parent then make sure you are available to him when he needs you and that you are going to be there for him even if you don't agree with him.
Don't give up on him. He's normal. We all go through this at different times.
Good Luck!
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Old 04-29-2008, 01:55 PM
 
2 posts, read 17,434 times
Reputation: 11
Default 19 year old

oh my goodness. My situation is very simiular. my daughter is graduating in 4 weeks and has always done good, my son is 19yrs old and graduate last year and still is not doing well. he wanted to go to college to study audio production but we couldn't see paying the money for something that he wouldn't complete. We had to push him to graduate, he has had 4 small jobs this past 2 years and he has lost all of them do to him skipping work and hiding it from me and his dad. Dad wants him to go to the military unfortunately he is scared to go so he says because he may be sent to Iraq and I feel that he would not fully understand what he is there for. Plus there is a possibility that he wouldn't pass the asvab test because he doesn't do story problems well at all. He alway's need help in school and has a reading comprehension problem. I know he needs to me somewhere with structure to learn how to do things on his own, but how and where. My husband and I are fighting daily now because of our kids choices....what or where do I go or do for my son?
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