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Old 11-03-2010, 10:35 PM
 
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19 years old , em, it is a trouble. in fact ,he should know how to live by himself...
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Old 11-06-2010, 10:40 AM
 
2,920 posts, read 2,911,732 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
throwing him out and giving him money for rent are not compatible. If you throw him out you are trying to teach him to be on his own and giving him money for rent will just lead to more money for groceries, utilities, etc. What have you gained and what has he leearned?

Get him to a doctor if you think he is depressed and get him on meds.

My experience is you cannot do anything to motivate somebody that age. They have to come to the decision on their own and the more you give them the more they depend on you.
Setting him up in an apartment and paying the rent for him will at least get him out of your house. That means that you won't have to see the sheriff to evict him legally. Once he is out of the house, he may develop a different perspective. Whatever you do, don't let him move back in, because then he will be wise enough to never leave again. You can determine on a weekly or monthly basis whether you want to continue to support him. He will have to provide his own groceries even if you're paying for them. Just never give him enough money to be neither comfortable or destitute.

Last edited by lhpartridge; 11-06-2010 at 10:40 AM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 06-28-2011, 10:13 AM
 
1 posts, read 1,438 times
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Your postings brought tears to my eyes. We have always been supportive of our son and practiced firmness as in making him sign a contract before he went away to college. He flunked the first year and now on probation for second year at a school he transferred to. He came home stating that he needs a gap year to "find himself." We told him that we cannot finance his self-exploration. He needs to find a job, move out and find himself. We also laid out options for him such as vocational school, military but we all concluded that forcing him back to college is a waste of money and time at this point.

He is now taking 2 night courses at the local college and is about to work part time for a few weeks. I do not trust my son. Where I used to be his champion, I have lost all trust in him. I was reading your post (above, the "second part") and it breaks my heart but I think my son has an addiction to marijuana and that is the culprit that brought down this otherwise smart young man. His grades plummetted as he found marijuana to be an enjoyable vocation rather than studying. He comes home "late" after school and tells me he has been reading up. Like I am stupid enough to believe that. We are starting to mete tough love and we are staring to really ride him hard.

My son is 20 and will soon be 21. I feel like he got stuck in his teens and needs to get pulled out of the muck he is in. He asked us for a professional to talk with him so for the past month, he has been talking with a therapist. I feel bad to "confront" him about my suspicion of drug use and yet I feel like maybe he thinks that his Dad and I do not know. There is just so much anxiety and tears to go around and I feel so much sadness about this. He is our only son, raised by highly educated parents, very good schools, he has travelled the world with us, we had high hopes, hired tutors, and he goes from A to a resounding F. Sometimes, I feel like running somewhere and never get out ---this is how very sad I feel...

I write with shame but I want you to know, your posting has hit a very vulnerable spot in me. I pray that my son and our family recover. Thank you and Godspeed.

Last edited by Mocha2008; 06-28-2011 at 10:15 AM.. Reason: To add good wishes..
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Old 05-29-2012, 01:30 PM
 
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I have almost the same exact situation but it's my daughter. Would you all handle it the same for a 19-year-old girl?
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Old 07-13-2012, 11:57 AM
 
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
6,203 posts, read 15,028,440 times
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Another update: He's now 24 years old. The bad news is that he's still living at home. This is due to a mountain of credit card debt that he accrued when he bought an old POS car that he tried to fix and ended up selling (he's now driving my old car). The good news is that he's still working at Ralphs, and has been promoted twice; he's now a seafood manager there and is just waiting to get his own store (he's kind of a floater right now).

He has definite plans to move out within the next year. I talk to him about that every once in a while, to remind him that this situation won't last forever. He's seeing the discrepancy between rents in L.A. vs. what he's making, and he's trying to find other ways to make money and supplement his income from Ralphs.

I know other people will say that I should have kicked him out when he was 19 or 20, but in this economy I don't think that would have been the best solution. Jobs are extremely scarce around here.

My daughter, the one who graduated from U.C. Berkeley, worked with autistic kids for a few months, decided she couldn't stand doing that, and she went back to working at Coldwater Creek as a clerk. Her store closed a year later, and she was unemployed for three months. Then she got a minimum wage holiday job at Macy's. Finally she got out of retail a few months ago, and is making $10 an hour as a receptionist for a manufacturing firm. They're going to promote her into the Engineering Department, and she'll be making a whopping $11 an hour.

My son sees his older sister struggling like that, making less than he is (he's making $15 an hour with far better benefits!), and he can't see the value of obtaining a degree. I've told him he should at least finish his AA, so it'll prove he did that much. He's very close to having that - maybe two or three classes. I don't think he'll ever set the world on fire academically, but he could do this.

He's definitely paying down the credit card debt, though rather slowly. He was making less than $10 an hour for almost five years, and one of his credit cards was charging 23%!!! Due to his debt to income ratio, he wasn't approved for another, lower rate card for a long time. That has since changed, that card has been paid off, and now he's working on the others. If nothing else, this has taught him a valuable lesson about credit, spending more than you make, etc.

I do feel a little better knowing that I'm not alone in this situation. I also worry about the time he has lost; those years are gone, and he can't ever get them back. However, we all take different roads in life, and sometimes it's only later looking back that we realize the long term consequences of our choices.
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Old 07-13-2012, 07:25 PM
 
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Thank you for the update SandyCo... I have a 17 year old (and 12 year old) - both boys. The world seems so much harder to get your start in these days than it did years ago when hubby and I were starting out. I think having your children at home with you beyond age 18 or the college years is probably a lot more common than a lot of people realize.

And as far as the college degree - I'm telling our kids that, too. AT LEAST get the 2-year degree in something that will teach you a skill. Mechanics, welding, construction, culinary, electrician, H/VAC, I don't care what it is... but learn a useful skill. Because then you can choose to either carry on with college and work your "useful skill" job while you pay off school loans and pay tuition, or you can just pursue your "useful skill" path and see where that leads. It really seems like the people we know who are welders, electricians, accountants, etc. with two year degree's are better off these days than the once who have 4 year degrees who are unemployed with school loan debt working as barista's or cashiers. It's really sad.

Also, government agencies, police dept., fire dept., etc require you to have at least two years of college (the areas where we have lived, anyway) and if you decide to enlist in the military (absolute last choice for our boys) I think you enter with a higher rank/higher pay if you have some college.

Anyway - you sound like such a good mom. I'm so glad things are looking better! I hope things start looking up for your daughter soon. Since she has worked with kids in the past - has she thought about working as a substitue teacher in the schools? In oregon, where we live, they always need good subs. I know three ladies right off the bat who are single moms who work in the public school districts here and that's all they do - they just sub full-time. They seem to do pretty well for themselves - always dress nice, nice cars, one has a really nice home. Just a thought.
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Old 07-14-2012, 01:01 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,460 posts, read 16,433,366 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf View Post
And as far as the college degree - I'm telling our kids that, too. AT LEAST get the 2-year degree in something that will teach you a skill. Mechanics, welding, construction, culinary, electrician, H/VAC, I don't care what it is... but learn a useful skill. Because then you can choose to either carry on with college and work your "useful skill" job while you pay off school loans and pay tuition, or you can just pursue your "useful skill" path and see where that leads. It really seems like the people we know who are welders, electricians, accountants, etc. with two year degree's are better off these days than the once who have 4 year degrees who are unemployed with school loan debt working as barista's or cashiers. It's really sad.

Anyway - you sound like such a good mom. I'm so glad things are looking better! I hope things start looking up for your daughter soon. Since she has worked with kids in the past - has she thought about working as a substitue teacher in the schools? In oregon, where we live, they always need good subs. I know three ladies right off the bat who are single moms who work in the public school districts here and that's all they do - they just sub full-time. They seem to do pretty well for themselves - always dress nice, nice cars, one has a really nice home. Just a thought.
I agree with learning a skill--I didn't do that and wish now that I had. There are many medical jobs that you can do with a 2 year degree also and they pay good benefits.

As for subbing--I love to do that and miss it very much but no benefits. It pays about $100/day around here.

When I was 19 I was flunking out of college also and I felt so bad about wasting my parents money that I began to pay for my own when I was ready to go back to college and I finally graduated 12 years later. I'm glad I paid for my own b/c I began to take more responsibility for my grades and never flunked out again. Years later I found out that I have inattentive ADD and that's probably part of the reason I struggled so much in school but it sure didn't hurt me to pay for my own and that's what I'd recommend for any parent struggling with a college kid who won't make his grades--don't waste your money. BTW, I'm female.
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Old 07-14-2012, 01:08 PM
 
Location: In a house
13,258 posts, read 34,677,768 times
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Pro-tip: if he's living at home, he doesn't need a credit card. You could help him learn how to budget, by taking his paychecks and depositing them in a seperate account, and every week, sit down with him and go over his expenses and provide him with an allowance out of his own earnings.

In this way, he can learn -how- to save money, and -how- to figure out his needs, and -how- to seperate his needs from his wants, and -how- to set aside a few bucks for some of those wants without having to use credit at 23% interest.

In addition, he -can- look into an apartment-sharing situation. Clearly he's shown he's not able (at this point in his life) to be independent, but perhaps learning how to share expenses as an adult, away from his parents, will provide him with the opportunity to -be- the adult that he wants to be - and deserves to be.
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Old 07-14-2012, 01:14 PM
 
Location: Mammoth Lakes, CA
3,089 posts, read 6,638,140 times
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I agree... I'[m not understanding why he even has a credit card when he's a grown man being molly-coddled by his parents. As long as you continue to support him (and givng him your car!), he's not learning any lesson except to coninually take hand outs and not move out. I don't care if he's earning only minimum wage, then he needs to get 2 jobs and support himself. And if he refuses to attend college, he'd better get used to getting only minimum wage, because that's all he'll ever get.

Sorry for being blunt, but parents who support their children forever and ever get what they deserve: a child who will leech off them until the parents dies.
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Old 07-14-2012, 01:25 PM
 
Location: In a house
13,258 posts, read 34,677,768 times
Reputation: 20198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulysses61 View Post
I agree... I'[m not understanding why he even has a credit card when he's a grown man being molly-coddled by his parents. As long as you continue to support him (and givng him your car!), he's not learning any lesson except to coninually take hand outs and not move out. I don't care if he's earning only minimum wage, then he needs to get 2 jobs and support himself. And if he refuses to attend college, he'd better get used to getting only minimum wage, because that's all he'll ever get.

Sorry for being blunt, but parents who support their children forever and ever get what they deserve: a child who will leech off them until the parents dies.
I have trouble figuring out how the kid got to be in his 20's without learning any of this in the first place. I mean, okay, he doesn't want to finish his 2-year college Associate's Degree. I can understand that, not everyone's cut out for college. But he must have paid attention in remedial math in 4th grade, to know addition, subtraction, basic multiplication and division? That's all you need, to be able to balance a budget. If he hasn't learned how to do that much, I fear he truly will be dependent on mom and dad until they die - and he'll probably end up in bankruptcy court after they're dead, because no way would he have the foggiest notion on how to deal with an inheritence.

I disagree that he'll only get minimum wage if he doesn't finish; there are many skilled trades that don't involve higher education, that make excellent money. My husband is a skilled tradesman who didn't finish his associate's, and he pays -all- our bills, we own our home, on a half-acre wooded lot (with the mortgage), we're never late on payments, we do home improvements, we live in one of the most expensive states in the country, and we sock away a few bucks for retirement every month. My part-time income covers the grocery bill and gas for our cars. We can even afford to go on vacation out of state once a year and stay in a luxury villa during the week we're away while he plays golf every morning on an Arnold Palmer course. So no, neglecting college doesn't stick you with minimum wage. What sticks you with minimum wage (assuming you don't -want- a minimum wage type of job - some of us enjoy a simple retail gig), is choosing to ignore life while it's occuring, and expecting it to just hand you everything you need.
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