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Really OP it sounds like you are permissive as well. It is not about where you went to school but rather how you were raised. Saying things like, "I let her do this and that" says nothing about how you raised her.
If your daughter's friend "HATES" you, your daughter should have enough respect for you to stop being friends with her. My goodness, I can't imagine telling my mom that one of my friends hates her. In fact, if I ever said that to my mom, my friends probably would not want to hang out with me or at least tell me that it is not cool to talk to my mom like that. Those are the kinds of friends I chose, NOT my mom. However, I learned through my mom how to choose good friends.
The quotes below show how much your daughter is disrespecting you, something you have allowed. Your daughter does not disrespect you because the other parent has been permissive.
[quote=corky101;14199018]
Quote:
The friend INSISTED that her parents had to pick them up (supported by a truck load of reasons). So, I said okay...but they had to leave at 9:30.
I've learned a lot thru my kid about what this girl has done, to the point where I want to discourage the friendship. The question is - do I discourage it?
I'm afraid if I go cold turkey on the girl, my kid will resent me and not confide in me anymore.
Your daughter confides in you because she trusts you and because you trust her, not because you "let" her hang out with whoever she wants. She trusts you because you actually do listen and understand her and she doesn't have to find other people who listen and "get" her. You trust her because of the conversations you had with her led you to believe that she knows right from wrong and listens to her conscience. You trust her because when she did wrong, she was disciplined and became a better person from the experience. Her actions are what lead you to trust her.
Every child from every kind of family wants to be independent at that age. The difference between the families is that some prepared their children better than others. For example, some children have learned through their families how to be better judges of character.
Quote:
Originally Posted by corky101
My dd does have a cell phone (she texts nonstop). She was mortified when she saw me pop up a the carnival and told me to "go away"!
I just don't get it.
My daughter agreed that 9:30 was the right thing to do. Afterall, that's when all her other friends from school went home (so she knows I wasn't being difficult). At least my kids understands that her friend is heading for trouble.
Your daughter should warn her friend about the potential trouble. This is another good thing for children to know, how to recognize trouble and stay away from it. If her friend ignores this advice, then your daughter should know to stay away from this friend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by corky101
Right. I think I have to insist that they do hang out here (which was why I elected to be a stay at home mom in the first place). It may be more fun at the other house, but OH WELL.
It is more complicated b/c the girls are on a team together and I have to see the mom at the competitions, so I don't want to cause a problem. I just never would have guessed that the mom was like this.
You are standing up for your convictions. I don't see why that should be complicated or cause problems. Your friends should respect you either way. Hopefully, you chose your friends well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by corky101
Well, my daughter's friend now officially HATES me... so I doubt she wants to hang at our house (ever).
I'm just going to hope that the friendship wanes as they both start different high schools next year. Ironically, the girl goes to Catholic school and mine to public.
Being a parent is hard
It is sad that you have to rely on distance to end this friendship. Your daughter should have ended this out of respect to you and to herself.
I think that texting cell phones are horrible for the kids right now.....
It is a bunch of bull that parents think their kids NEED them in case of emergency,etc....
When we were younger, we didn't have cell phones, we made it through every single day of school w/out having to text or call anyone.
IF there is an emergency (god forbid), the school can reach a parent/guardian,etc....
There is NO reason why a 13 year old NEEDS a cell phone.
I believe that there is a fine balance as well, but I do think that some of the things that parents feel are fine (such as a cell phone) , are reasons why there are so many issues today. Look at all the horrible things that have happened in the past few months, the one girl getting beat to death because of a text message she sent to someone else about a kid in their town, all of the horrible accidents that have happened now because of teens texting in their cars.
We always had to worry about DUI,DWI, but now we must wonder every time we get in our car if someone driving around us is texting or talking on their cell phone.
Finding that balance is difficult I am sure, my children are younger right now. I know that I will struggle with what we feel is right or wrong or deemed necessary... I think my feelings about a cell phone will still be the same though.
I have to disagree with your stance on cell phones. Society has evolved such that kids are expected to have them. For cheering, the couch texted to the kids when practice was, what to bring, etc. For dancing, the teachers text if classes were changed or canceled. During the competitions, they used to phones to alert when their numbers were going on, or if they were going to practice somewhere.
I have a friend whose daughter texts her while at a friends house to let her know where they're going, so the mom knows where her child is.
Cell phones are a great form of communitcation. Yes, it could be over-used and abused, but if used correctly, it's a convenient time saver.
Texting, and social web sites can certainly get kids in hot water with other kids (like Josie Lou Rately - beaten for a text she made to a boy about his brother who had committed suicide). Parents have to instruct their children that if they don't have something nice to say DON'T SAY IT. If they do, well, it could be to the wrong person... (it's not just a matter of 'being good' anymore). When a kid texts or writes on a myspace, it's easy to be mean...but parents have to be viligent and instructive (and know what's going on).
Life isn't the way it was 30 years ago, that's for sure.
Getting respect from my 13yo is a daily struggle. I'm constantly telling her not to talk to me the way she does (and punishing as well). The eye rolls and remarks are constant and deserve their own thread, lol. I'm trying my best.
Expecting my dd to axe her friend for hating me is a lot to ask for. If she did that, I'd be in heaven, but it ain't gonna happen. I remember being 13 and friends are more important than family (sad to say).
The fact that my dd is very upset that the girl's parents are allowing the (pot smoking, alchohol drinking) boy over (and allowing a dangerous walk to the mall), shows me that she does have a good head on her shoulders. It's just common sense (which is why I never will understand the other parents).
Getting respect from my 13yo is a daily struggle. I'm constantly telling her not to talk to me the way she does (and punishing as well). The eye rolls and remarks are constant and deserve their own thread, lol. I'm trying my best.
Expecting my dd to axe her friend for hating me is a lot to ask for. If she did that, I'd be in heaven, but it ain't gonna happen. I remember being 13 and friends are more important than family (sad to say).
The fact that my dd is very upset that the girl's parents are allowing the (pot smoking, alchohol drinking) boy over (and allowing a dangerous walk to the mall), shows me that she does have a good head on her shoulders. It's just common sense (which is why I never will understand the other parents).
Corky, raising children is not easy like you pointed out earlier. So, yes, for me to say it is as simple as getting her to respect you, that is really tough to swallow. The reason why is because respect starts from when they are really little. They see it modeled in the family even if they don't necessarily show it when toddlers. For example, the father will tell the disrespecting child "Hey, don't roll your eyes at my wife," and will model respect in front of the child, not because it is a great opportunity to teach the child a lesson but because he loves and respect his wife and so it comes naturally.
Respect should come naturally because of how the child was raised, not because I demand it. Respect should come because the child has learned this is what you do when you love and respect a person. No matter how the child feels, it is never okay to yell at a person you love. It is never okay to roll your eyes at a person. This is not how you treat people you care about.
I did not say punishment, I said discipline which are totally different. Punishment is meant to make the child feel worse. However, how do I expect the child to be a better person if first I must make her feel worse. Discipline is about facing natural and logical consequences. It is about learning lessons and being truly sorry. These lessons are best learned when young so that by the time she becomes a teenager, she knows how to choose good friends and doesn't run into this dilemma of having to lie to you in order to keep this friend.
When I say punishment, I mean they have to face some consequence for their action (such as being sent to their room, or having something taken away). This shouldn't make them feel any less as a person (so I think your terminology for discipline is mine for punishment).
The thing about the teen, from where I stand, is you can do everything right, but when they come in contact with the outside world, they can change. When my dd was 2, I was commended by strangers, on how I demanded respect (which many told me they didn't see often). I noticed the eyerolling and such when my dd started hanging around spoiled children (at her dance classes) at the age of 10. She was homeshooled for 2 years at that point, and very sheltered. The purpose of getting her involved in dance was for her to socialize, but I kind of regretted it. Would the attitude have started without the dance? I can't say. But I'm quick to point out to her that I don't talk to her the way she talks to me and it is not okay. This goes on daily. Looking back, I don't know what more I could have done to raise her to be more respectful (short of putting fear in her). Don't get me wrong, she isn't like this 100% (more like 20%). I'm told by others that this is normal and that she'll grow out of it. With that said, I NEVER was like this to my parents... but then again, I was terrified of them.
I think that texting cell phones are horrible for the kids right now.....
It is a bunch of bull that parents think their kids NEED them in case of emergency,etc....
When we were younger, we didn't have cell phones, we made it through every single day of school w/out having to text or call anyone.
IF there is an emergency (god forbid), the school can reach a parent/guardian,etc....
There is NO reason why a 13 year old NEEDS a cell phone.
Even adults don't NEED cell phones but I see plenty talking on them while driving, shopping, etc.. We all got along just fine before cells were on the market. They are merely a convenience, nothing more.
My daughter has a cell, but does not have texting and does not have internet. Because there are no more payphones, teens who go anywhere with their friends would have no access to phones to check in at home or in the event of an emergency without cells. She doesn't NEED it, but I'd rather she had a way to contact me when she's out with her friends.
Her school bus runs very late from time to time as well. She gives me a quick call so I don't worry (Her school is far from our home with a lot of rural roads between here and there.).
IMO, kids younger than 13 or 14 have no reason to have cells.
Last edited by NoExcuses; 05-19-2010 at 08:48 AM..
I can't imagine a 13-year-old needing a cell phone. I am 34 and bought my first one (a prepaid trac-phone) two months ago.
I know - I still use a tracfone! Although that will be changing soon. Because it's so difficult to text, I'm going to switch over to Virgin-Mobile ($25/month for 300 min and unlimited text & data). I found that many times I'm unable to hear over the phone and wished I had the texting features.
As for a kid under 14 with a cell phone - it really depends on the kid and what they do. My son stays close to home, so he doesn't need it (I'll lend him my tracfone when he rides on his bike tho - just incase). My dd really does need it, as I already explained. The coaches & dance teachers communicate to the kids that way. I also think that I'll be able to keep better tabs on what she's up to. Also, she told me that she'd rather text me when with friends b/c she doesn't want them to hear what she's saying (if she's uncomfortable with some situation and wants to come home).
I used to be very against texting, but I see how useful it is. My dd uses Kajeet, so I can set limits (not during school or after bedtime). I can also see every call incoming and outgoing, so I'll know if she's overdoing it.
When I say punishment, I mean they have to face some consequence for their action (such as being sent to their room, or having something taken away). This shouldn't make them feel any less as a person (so I think your terminology for discipline is mine for punishment).
The thing about the teen, from where I stand, is you can do everything right, but when they come in contact with the outside world, they can change. When my dd was 2, I was commended by strangers, on how I demanded respect (which many told me they didn't see often). I noticed the eyerolling and such when my dd started hanging around spoiled children (at her dance classes) at the age of 10. She was homeshooled for 2 years at that point, and very sheltered. The purpose of getting her involved in dance was for her to socialize, but I kind of regretted it. Would the attitude have started without the dance? I can't say. But I'm quick to point out to her that I don't talk to her the way she talks to me and it is not okay. This goes on daily. Looking back, I don't know what more I could have done to raise her to be more respectful (short of putting fear in her). Don't get me wrong, she isn't like this 100% (more like 20%). I'm told by others that this is normal and that she'll grow out of it. With that said, I NEVER was like this to my parents... but then again, I was terrified of them.
I hope you don't mind but I will PM you my response to your post.
My dd really does need it, as I already explained. The coaches & dance teachers communicate to the kids that way.
Er, my point was, you don't have to permit that.
If you have no problem with it then I certainly don't. But don't pretend that teachers can place mandates like that on you that you don't want.
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