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Unread 05-18-2010, 03:44 PM
 
Location: Small town Montana
1,097 posts, read 1,030,092 times
Reputation: 2120
I haven't had to deal with the boyfriend being over constantly yet, as my daughter hasn't met anyone she's that serious about. It also helps that I work at our small school, so any potential boyfriend is afraid of me . However... we do have a "foster" kid (my 14 year old son's bestfriend who practically lives with us due to an unpleasant family situation at his house). I haven't changed what I do as far as wearing my pajamas, house rules, meals, chores, etc. I figure - he's comfortable being in my house and around us, why put on pretenses. Granted, I don't go around naked, but I didn't do that before anyway . If you want to sit around in your jamas - do it. If you did it before... there is no reason you should alter your comfort or activities because a new "member of the family" has come on the scene.

About the girlfriends... my oldest (16 yrs) prefers being friends with boys (less drama, backstabbing, etc...). Is your daughter the same way? As long as he doesn't seem overbearing when it comes to your daughter (ie: not letting her see her girlfriends, even if she wanted to), and your daughter is choosing to spend all her time with him... you may just have to deal with it.

Another idea - "date night" for you and your spouse. Rent a movie, get tv dinners - give your daughter and her boyfriend a few bucks with instructions to take your younger child to the park or McDonalds (or somewhere) for a certain number of hours. Gives you some time alone to enjoy your quiet empty house .
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Unread 05-18-2010, 04:11 PM
 
Location: NYC
834 posts, read 722,676 times
Reputation: 498
This is just preperation when they get married and he moves in permanently.
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Unread 05-18-2010, 06:54 PM
 
5,472 posts, read 4,020,294 times
Reputation: 8192
He's there from 11 am to 11 pm, during the week? Sorry, uh-uh. Wouldn't happen in my house. 9 pm, GO HOME. Anything later than that is an imposition. Explain it to your daughter. Why she doesn't get it already, I'll never understand. They're both being darned inconsiderate of the household.
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Unread 05-18-2010, 07:02 PM
 
Location: California
23,793 posts, read 13,677,542 times
Reputation: 15332
Ugg, I know the feeling. My daughter had a couple bf's like that in high school and one in particular was always injecting himself into everything she/we did. I wish I had been firmer with him about staying away because after a year or so my D dumped him and it came to light how controlling he had been with her. And kind of stalker-ish too. I had no idea because she always seemed happy, and glad to see him when he would "surprise" her with a visit when she wasn't expecting it...but what do most 16 year old girls know? For every couple who meets the love of their life in high school there are 1000s of other who don't. I should have listened to the odds and been more proactive.
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Unread 05-18-2010, 08:19 PM
 
Location: In a little valley under the Rim
2,149 posts, read 3,444,641 times
Reputation: 1728
Embark on a one-night a week family dinner with a free pass once a month. Just the family. No friends, no boyfriends, just your small family.
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Unread 05-18-2010, 08:40 PM
 
2,605 posts, read 2,339,657 times
Reputation: 2086
Quote:
Originally Posted by CTR36 View Post
At my house we have a curfew. He has to leave by 9 p.m. on weeknights so her little brothers can go to bed.

I don't know how we'll handle the summer. I guess the 9 p.m. curfew will stand since her dad and I both have to get up early to go to work.
Curfew works with high school minors, but the lady here is 18 and the young man is 19. They can stay out as late as they want to.

Also, with 'family' outings or vacations; being 18, she really could opt out and stay home.
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Unread 05-18-2010, 09:42 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
42,307 posts, read 49,185,858 times
Reputation: 33644
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
Curfew works with high school minors, but the lady here is 18 and the young man is 19. They can stay out as late as they want to.

Also, with 'family' outings or vacations; being 18, she really could opt out and stay home.

Since she is just graduating from high school and plans to stay home to attend community college next year, her parents could most certainly set a curfew for her if they wanted to. Just because a child has reached the legal age doesn't mean they have no rules to follow when they stay in their parents home. Surprised you think her "staying out as late as she wants to" is a real option. That would only be true if she lived outside her parents home.

In fact, setting curfews and rules are part of what usually propels a young person to fly the nest sooner rather than later (young adult doesn't want to continue to live with the rules and finds motivation to get on with their lives outside of mom and dad's home)

Last edited by lovesMountains; 05-18-2010 at 09:50 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Unread 05-19-2010, 07:11 AM
 
6,764 posts, read 12,623,032 times
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I'd speak to her about maybe limiting the meals and say he should not be over so much.

However, count yourself lucky your daughter WANTS to hang out at home and not in bars or clubs or just on the streets doing 'whatever' with anyone.

You've done something right making them feel comfortable and happy in your home. Maybe you can just say it should not be so often.
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Unread 05-19-2010, 10:53 AM
 
Location: beautiful NC mountains!
904 posts, read 1,671,253 times
Reputation: 1203
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Anything later than that is an imposition. . They're both being darned inconsiderate of the household.
Exactly. That's my point. I love him being over...for a visit. It's just becoming too often. For the past 4 days I have come home from work to find my daughter, boyfriend, my oldest son, his college roommate and my youngest all playing video games. Boyfriend and college roommate both stay way to late (11pm or so). I get up at 4:30 am. I have to go to bed no later than 9pm. I need some down time too.

We did have a talk last night and I told them that I was glad to have them over but that on work nights they need to call it quits at 9pm. At the same time I don't want her out after that on a school night. On the weekends she may stay out until midnight or he may stay at our house until then. We will see how that works. She has to work tonight and he (BF) worked all day today. Maybe I will come home from work to peace.
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Unread 05-19-2010, 03:13 PM
 
833 posts, read 965,573 times
Reputation: 935
Quote:
Originally Posted by VBmom View Post
Exactly. That's my point. I love him being over...for a visit. It's just becoming too often. For the past 4 days I have come home from work to find my daughter, boyfriend, my oldest son, his college roommate and my youngest all playing video games. Boyfriend and college roommate both stay way to late (11pm or so). I get up at 4:30 am. I have to go to bed no later than 9pm. I need some down time too.

We did have a talk last night and I told them that I was glad to have them over but that on work nights they need to call it quits at 9pm. At the same time I don't want her out after that on a school night. On the weekends she may stay out until midnight or he may stay at our house until then. We will see how that works. She has to work tonight and he (BF) worked all day today. Maybe I will come home from work to peace.
You say you have to get up at 4:30 am. So GO TO BED. What's stopping you? After all, they are your adult daugters and adult son's guests, not yours.

As far as the whole making 'family' time, don't be surprised if your daughter already considers him family if they are that close, and lets you know that.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my girlfriend. I stay at her house every other weekend, she stays at mine every other. I help out around the house, help with major projects(car repairs, home improvements) and many other things. Her dad says he has no problem with me being over as much as I want, yet after a year and a half of doing this her mother still gets all pissy about me being there.

Oh, about the 3 whole meals a week.. I'm sure you're thinking about it as another mouth to feed, because what selfish parent wouldn't. Look at it this way, if he's there for 3 and she's at his place for 3 or 4, you're breaking even.. at least!
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