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I agree - your wife or you should put her foot down and set limits. If your wife doesn't feel like she can, then you can step up and say something. In fact, that often works out better. Your wife doesn't want to risk damaging her relationships with her family, but if you step up it keeps her safe with them and you both still get what you want, too. (less babysitting)
If your wife is a pushover with her relatives, she is probably the same way with you. People like this aren't selective about who they roll over for. So, it probably doesn't bother you when she bends over backwards for you, only when she does it for others. There was another thread with someone like this, stuck between her husband and her kids.
IMHO, your wife needs counseling to develop a backbone. But don't be surprised if the resulting attitude comes back to bite you in the behind. You may end up doing your own laundry, etc. lol!
Okay so I am peeved, that my wife and I are always getting stuck watching her sisters kid b/c her husband is always on call. In my opinion don't have any kids if you can't afford to either have someone stay home and watch them or if you can't pay for day care. Stop leaning on family to just watch your kid all the time. Don't give me the excuse well they will help watch your kid when you have one. Not true, by that time they will have 4 kids and who knows where they will be in life.
My wife won't say anything to them even though it puts a strain on her for grad school. Not even a please or thank you or no money for our troubles.
That's why I say if you can't watch your kid or put them in day care don't have one! Family isn't your personal kinder-care!
Am I being too much of a Richard? anyone else ever have to deal with this before?
I didn't read through all of the responses, so I'm only responding to your first post...but for me...the answer is "no." No, I don't have this happen to me because my relatives asked once and I happily watched their kids so my kids could play with their cousins. When they asked the second time, I understood that I needed to put a stop to it because it was going to become a pattern.
Your relatives put a strain on your family and don't give a crap about your wife in grad school because you let them. Family isn't always perfect and I have never bought the line of "oh we HAVE to do it because they're family." Families all over the world are full of selfish people who take advantage of their family members. You've obviously got some in your family. The saying is true for most people...give them an inch and they'll take a mile.
BTW, when reading this, I'm sure some will assume I have a bad relationship with my family members and this cannot be further from the truth. I have set boundaries with my family members and we all have a very healthy, loving relationship. You don't have to be a jerk...you just have to say no. If your family member starts being hateful and implying that it's YOU who is selfish, well...then you know what you're dealing with.
Say no and mean it. It's not your job to take care of other people's kids when it's not an emergency. If someone isn't dead or close to dead, it's not an emergency. Childcare is up to those with the children. I've got 2 of my own and would never assume someone I'm related to has nothing better to do than watch my kids for free. That's ridiculous.
As for your wife...I too am married to the peacemaker in his family. He just wants everyone to get along and his brothers and sisters expected him to do everything. We fought about this a lot and I was labeled as the bi%ch who was wearing the pants in our family. It was a criticism I was willing to put up with and it took nearly 5 years for my husband to see the light. You are married which means you have at least 50% say in what goes on in your house. You have the right to tell your wife you aren't going to do this anymore and she shouldn't either. This will become a pattern...first it's the kids, then it's the sick uncle, then it's the ailing parent...your wife has let herself be defined as the one that everyone just assumes will take care of people, kids or adults. You need to nip it in the bud even if it means fighting with your wife over it. She'll thank you later...even if, in my case, it takes 5 years. Look at the big picture. You are going to have to be labeled as the "bad guy" but think of it this way...you'll be the bad guy who isn't watching the little brat (as you implied he was) and actually making sure your wife gets through grad school.
As for your wife...I too am married to the peacemaker in his family. He just wants everyone to get along and his brothers and sisters expected him to do everything. We fought about this a lot and I was labeled as the bi%ch who was wearing the pants in our family. It was a criticism I was willing to put up with and it took nearly 5 years for my husband to see the light. You are married which means you have at least 50% say in what goes on in your house. You have the right to tell your wife you aren't going to do this anymore and she shouldn't either. This will become a pattern...first it's the kids, then it's the sick uncle, then it's the ailing parent...your wife has let herself be defined as the one that everyone just assumes will take care of people, kids or adults. You need to nip it in the bud even if it means fighting with your wife over it. She'll thank you later...even if, in my case, it takes 5 years. Look at the big picture. You are going to have to be labeled as the "bad guy" but think of it this way...you'll be the bad guy who isn't watching the little brat (as you implied he was) and actually making sure your wife gets through grad school.
I too deal with a very similar situation though it is my dh who is the one & probably the only clinically sane one to boot...
The issue is currently being resolved by living in a different state. It took me 2 years and though it is VERY tense at times, this is our marriage and no, I will not be raising my nieces/nephews based on the current circumstances w/ their mother & sperm donors.
I'm labeled the b%tch. I do not get Mother Day cards from my MIL. She sent me a nightlight for a CMas gift last year. She refuses to visit us. All b/c "I" have changed my dh & pitted him against his sister. My dh is thus stuck in a tough position but almost 6yrs into it, he is finally getting some gumption and standing up for himself and his wife.
It needs to be nipped in the bud asap.
THere are circumstances where in a moments notice I would watch a child, no questions asked; no time limits imposed.
Short answer, my wife is a very stern person, here it comes: BUT when it comes to family she is a welcome mat and this is an on going battle we have. I have already told them to come get your kid, which explains why they stop asking me to watch their kid but just wait to ask my wife b/c she hasn't said no yet.
I don't think family should watch any kid unless they want to, this expectation of help is stupid.
I don't know if this matters but they are very liberal and we are very conservative. Which explains my hard line stance in a way and their blindness when it comes to manners.
I don't know if this matters but they are very liberal and we are very conservative. Which explains my hard line stance in a way and their blindness when it comes to manners.
No it doesn't. In our family, we are very liberal and my husband's family is very conservative, but it's always been them taking advantage of us. Usually when the phone rings and it's them, it's because they need something.
We live in another state and it still happens - at least no kid watching though.
I am also the "you know what" of the family because I put my foot down years ago when his parents asked for money for the zillionth time. If we had loaned it and they couldn't pay us back, it would have put us in a horrible bind. They didn't speak to us for a long time. If they had needed money to survive that would have been one thing, but it was for some stupid "plan" of some sort.
Bottom line is, unless your wife puts her foot down, it will never change. You need to have a serious talk with her about the resentment this is causing in you. Your marriage will only suffer more if it continues. I would continue to leave every time she volunteers to watch the child. Maybe she'll get the hint finally.
Short answer, my wife is a very stern person, here it comes: BUT when it comes to family she is a welcome mat and this is an on going battle we have. I have already told them to come get your kid, which explains why they stop asking me to watch their kid but just wait to ask my wife b/c she hasn't said no yet.
I don't think family should watch any kid unless they want to, this expectation of help is stupid.
I don't know if this matters but they are very liberal and we are very conservative. Which explains my hard line stance in a way and their blindness when it comes to manners.
Short answer, my wife is a very stern person, here it comes: BUT when it comes to family she is a welcome mat and this is an on going battle we have. I have already told them to come get your kid, which explains why they stop asking me to watch their kid but just wait to ask my wife b/c she hasn't said no yet.
I don't think family should watch any kid unless they want to, this expectation of help is stupid.
I don't know if this matters but they are very liberal and we are very conservative. Which explains my hard line stance in a way and their blindness when it comes to manners.
It's not stupid. Your wife set this expectation herself.
When my youngest son got married and started having kids, he would call me every Thursday saying they had plans for the week end and KNEW I would love to take the kids for the week end so I could spend time with my grandkids.. I said "NO! I have plans.." He tried every week but I always had plans and he knew I did but continued to call and ask.. He eventually gave up and quit calling. I started in the beginning saying "NO!" so the habit was never formed.
I never understood him even asking because he knew I was single and had plans for every week end from Friday night to Sunday afternoon... I was never home on the week ends...
Your spouse will have to decide for herself when she has had enough and when she has, she will speak up and put a stop to it. You, in the meantime can continue to plan time away while she is babysitting. Me? There is NO WAY I could put up with a baby crying for 6 hours, I would be on the phone calling them telling them to come pick him up in the first 30 minutes.
Why not suggest she go to their house to keep the baby?
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, that my wife and I are always getting stuck watching her sisters kid b/c her husband is always on call. In my opinion don't have any kids if you can't afford to either have someone stay home and watch them or if you can't pay for day care. Stop leaning on family to just watch your kid all the time. Don't give me the excuse well they will help watch your kid when you have one. Not true, by that time they will have 4 kids and who knows where they will be in life.
