Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
How do you handle it when your kid is dating someone that very clearly has red flags that they just don’t see?
Is this handled differently if they are a teenager, college-ish age and still dependent, or fully fledged?
I support my children's decisions and do not say anything to them if I dislike a partner. My kiddies are relatively young, "college-ish age" but out of my home, to use your term. I think your comment that they "very clearly has red flags that they just don’t see" is perhaps an issue for you. They may see those flags and just do not care, or the only one seeing the flags is you. But either way, I support my children's right to be independent and to live their life. Unless it was a legal issue, like criminal behavior I witnessed, I would never say anything. If there was an assault, or theft, or drug selling, then I might say something before I called the police. But otherwise, unless there was a physical danger to my child, they will learn from all of their experiences and I will be there for them if they need me.
I support my children's decisions and do not say anything to them if I dislike a partner. My kiddies are relatively young, "college-ish age" but out of my home, to use your term. I think your comment that they "very clearly has red flags that they just don’t see" is perhaps an issue for you. They may see those flags and just do not care, or the only one seeing the flags is you. But either way, I support my children's right to be independent and to live their life. Unless it was a legal issue, like criminal behavior I witnessed, I would never say anything. If there was an assault, or theft, or drug selling, then I might say something before I called the police. But otherwise, unless there was a physical danger to my child, they will learn from all of their experiences and I will be there for them if they need me.
Like I said, criminal behavior would probably result in my calling the police. If you are not sure enough to call the police, I would not choose to say anything. Abuse comes in many forms, and is often employed by both parties in a relationship. You do you. Say something, do not say something, call the cops. For me, its far better for a young person to learn from a bad relationship than to have mom or dad come save them from it. I think life is the best teacher. I also know that I do not see everything and do not know better than my kids. I taught my kids well. They are smarter than me and stronger than me. Its why I was often tough on them and made them go through their own issues. It makes them stronger. I did not want kids depending on me to rescue them. I want them to rescue themselves, or better yet, learn from a bad relationship to never let it happen to them again. But you have to do what you feel you need. No one else's opinion should matter.
How do you handle it when your kid is dating someone that very clearly has red flags that they just don’t see?
Is this handled differently if they are a teenager, college-ish age and still dependent, or fully fledged?
I went through this with my younger daughter at age 16. Her boyfriend was just a mess. He was a drinker, bought and sold guns illegally, and could be mean to her sometimes.
I knew it would be folly to try to break them up, because I didn't want to create a Romeo&Juliet situation. So instead I befriended him, and encouraged him to spend as much time as possible here under my roof (so I could keep an eye on things,) and made an effort to get to know his parents, which turned out to be the best idea of all.
I also knew my daughter would come to her senses eventually, and by the time she was applying to colleges, she was done with him. (I helped her write her breakup script in fact)
He was horrible to her after the breakup, so I just picked up the phone and told his mom all about it! LOL.
Hopefully, you have a trusting enough relationship with your child that you would have not just signs but facts because they came to you with it. That you are seen as the helper in the situation, not the classic protective parent.
Your objective is not to police the relationship but to consciously build the kind of connection with your child where they can come to you for advice/help in any situation without fearing punishment or judgment.
Almost everyone my daughter ever dated had red flags IMO but luckily nothing criminal, more of "this guy is a terrible fit for her" stuff with personality, hobbies, future ambitions, etc. I'd love to tell you I didn't fret about it but I did, all the time, because she'd get her heart broken and nobody wants to see that. I was only involved twice and it wasn't my choice either time, the guys fell apart after she broke up with them and they'd call me to cry about it. Yes it was wierd but I gave them pep talks and eventually they moved on. That was college age stuff, now that she's in her 30's and living elsewhere I don't even meet the guys she dates!
Almost everyone my daughter ever dated had red flags IMO but luckily nothing criminal, more of "this guy is a terrible fit for her" stuff with personality, hobbies, future ambitions, etc. I'd love to tell you I didn't fret about it but I did, all the time, because she'd get her heart broken and nobody wants to see that. I was only involved twice and it wasn't my choice either time, the guys fell apart after she broke up with them and they'd call me to cry about it. Yes it was wierd but I gave them pep talks and eventually they moved on. That was college age stuff, now that she's in her 30's and living elsewhere I don't even meet the guys she dates!
I felt the same about my youngest daughter’s first 2 serious boyfriends. They were ok, but I just didn’t see either of them as a long term fit for her. She ended up breaking up with both of them after a couple years.
Then along came bachelor #3. We met him for the first time after they’d been dating 3 months. I told my husband afterwards “You just met your future Son in Law”. He laughed at me, but 1 wedding, 8 years of marriage and 2 kids later he’s admitted I was right. I think sometimes we know before our daughters do who’s a good fit.
There is no one size fits all in parenting on this subject.
The gentle parent will play the: ' let them know you support their decision.' All the while the red flags are neon glowing.
Verses the stern parent who broaches it and is determined to shield their kid from their own lack of common sense.
Contingent on many factors a parent can and should intercede if the flags are physically or mentally harmful to their young person. This can be to a quick nudge in openly discussing the dynamics that as a parent signals the direct approach.
My guardian put it in an OPEN dialogue which I respected. Sometimes that voice of wisdom and tactfulness aided .
I went through this with my younger daughter at age 16. Her boyfriend was just a mess. He was a drinker, bought and sold guns illegally, and could be mean to her sometimes.
I knew it would be folly to try to break them up, because I didn't want to create a Romeo&Juliet situation. So instead I befriended him, and encouraged him to spend as much time as possible here under my roof (so I could keep an eye on things,) and made an effort to get to know his parents, which turned out to be the best idea of all.
I also knew my daughter would come to her senses eventually, and by the time she was applying to colleges, she was done with him. (I helped her write her breakup script in fact)
He was horrible to her after the breakup, so I just picked up the phone and told his mom all about it! LOL.
I took the same approach and had similar results.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
