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Old 04-26-2011, 09:57 PM
 
Location: converse
469 posts, read 1,026,239 times
Reputation: 531

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Sorry but I have to disagree. I just met my father and all of my family on his side. He never married so I'm the only child as far as I know anyway... my cousin and I who I just met last year are very close...like sisters even and she and the rest of them are most definietly my family. I'm thankful for the opportunity to get to know my father and many aunt's, uncle and cousins. I would also welcome a sibling if one was to come out of the blue.

It's not their fault that ya'll have a bad father.Of course it's your choice in the end to what if any relationship you choose to have with them but if you gave them a chance you might be surprised.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
But these siblings are NOT family. Family is people you know, who you have a common background with. I don't know these people. How are they "family" to me? They are nothing, not any more than siblings of sperm donors.
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Old 04-27-2011, 01:13 AM
 
Location: Colorado
554 posts, read 1,352,560 times
Reputation: 949
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
But these siblings are NOT family. Family is people you know, who you have a common background with. I don't know these people. How are they "family" to me? They are nothing, not any more than siblings of sperm donors.
You do have a common background with them. It's called DNA. And I'm not responding to your post to start an argument or anything. I just have a point of view that I'd like to share. Sometimes, there's a bigger picture to look at...bigger than ourselves. In my case, I was born with only one kidney. Plus, on my Mothers side we all have Thalassemia, an inherited blood disorder. All of my Grandmothers descendants have it. I almost died last year because of it. So when you're facing multiple blood transfusions and you don't have a spare kidney, it's really important to know who shares your DNA in this world.

I can see your point of view on not caring about the individual themselves. I'm just saying there are other reasons to consider. Hopefully, you will never experience anything like I did. Of course, I'm pretty darn sure I could never count on those cousins of mine to give me a spare square of toilet paper let alone a darn kidney! LOL!
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Old 04-27-2011, 06:02 AM
 
18,852 posts, read 31,727,414 times
Reputation: 26118
Well, if I need a kidney, maybe I will give them a call.
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Old 04-27-2011, 11:40 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,713 posts, read 21,365,535 times
Reputation: 8929
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauriedeee View Post
I have a dilemma that I hope you guys will weigh in on. I've known for about 30yrs that my aunt gave up a set of twins, and another child before she married my uncle and had more children.
My aunt and uncle are both deceased now and their kids, the cousins I grew up with are in the late 50s to late 60's.

I've often wondered if the children that were adopted out are looking for information on their birth parents but I"m afraid to actively look for them myself because those adoptions were such a big family secret back then and I don't want to open up any old wounds if there were any. Do you know what i mean?

Her other children from being married to my uncle are still living and I don't know if they know they have half siblings out there. I'm not sure whether to tell them or not.

I guess my question is would you want to know if you had siblings that you didn't know you had?

Opinions please.. and thank you.
Back then; you were shamed to have kids out of wedlock. It was not spoken about; I feel due to the shame as well as bringing pain back to the surface.

Recently; I've learned of a lot of stories like this; or others where parents divorced & the dad remarried keeping the kids while the mother left & started a new life; or the mom kept the kids & were raised by a new dad. The kids were so little that I don't think they remember the parent that left. Then there is adoption; those that said there are people in every family that end up telling are right.

I would start a conversation with the cousins on this very topic to see what they say. It's possible they will say- oh; we have siblings out there.

Pretty scary feeling to wonder if you've ever dated a relative.
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Old 04-28-2011, 06:57 AM
 
6 posts, read 9,899 times
Reputation: 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
But these siblings are NOT family. Family is people you know, who you have a common background with. I don't know these people. How are they "family" to me? They are nothing, not any more than siblings of sperm donors.
Just curious if you would feel differently if it was your mother who had given birth to these children and she couldn't provide for them and gave them up for adoption, rather than your father "donating sperm?" Maybe these children wondered all their lives who their "real" mother was and you are their only connection. There are so many variables to this question. I'm just asking....
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:08 AM
 
157 posts, read 114,794 times
Reputation: 225
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauriedeee View Post
I have a dilemma that I hope you guys will weigh in on. I've known for about 30yrs that my aunt gave up a set of twins, and another child before she married my uncle and had more children.
My aunt and uncle are both deceased now and their kids, the cousins I grew up with are in the late 50s to late 60's.

I've often wondered if the children that were adopted out are looking for information on their birth parents but I"m afraid to actively look for them myself because those adoptions were such a big family secret back then and I don't want to open up any old wounds if there were any. Do you know what i mean?

Her other children from being married to my uncle are still living and I don't know if they know they have half siblings out there. I'm not sure whether to tell them or not.

I guess my question is would you want to know if you had siblings that you didn't know you had?

Opinions please.. and thank you.
What could it hurt? Everyone involved is well into adulthood. Just ask on of the cousins, 'If you had siblings you didn't know about, would you want to find them?'
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Old 04-28-2011, 04:56 PM
 
Location: USA
35 posts, read 73,005 times
Reputation: 52
Just ask the cousins and contact whoever you want, so many people, not meaning you, put so much thought in to this and time just goes by, I do agree though there's a way of doing it.

I was adopted as a baby, several years ago I located my bio mom who did not want to know me..that 1/2 killed me and cut me to the core.....but, I had 4, 1/2 siblings I did not know about, they were happy to begin with but the mom didn't want them to be in contact with me either, I cannot even explain how much that hurt me so you just never know how it's going to turn out.

I was the adopted one and would not have minded if they had searched for me, you live your whole life not knowing anything, where you came from, who do I look like, the list goes on, it does bring up so many emotions though and actually now I am pleased we no longer have any contact, it would have been too much.

So, life is way too short, as I said you don't know how people are going to react until you do it, I say go for it. Good luck.
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Old 04-30-2011, 07:55 AM
 
Location: Porter, Indiana
122 posts, read 40,208 times
Reputation: 102
I definitely would want to know. A few months ago, I went on Ancestry.com and did a search on my mother's maiden name. (She is now deceased; I'm 59.) I got what I consider an odd result. Someone named Allen had my mom's maiden name on his/her (Allen could be first or last name, of course) family tree. My mother had a rather unusual maiden name (it was her first, middle, and last name that I put in, not just first/last), and according to this other person's family tree, she was from Long Island, New York. Guess what? That's where my mom was born and raised. I can't believe that there were two women with that name in the whole country, let alone in the same, rather small, part of a state. The confusing part is that there is no one that I've ever heard of in my mom's family (her parents came through Ellis Island in the early part of the last century) with either the first or last name of Allen. In order to contact the Allen person through Ancestry.com, I'd have to pay to join, and I can't afford that right now. So I remain curious.
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Old 05-01-2011, 11:52 AM
 
1,617 posts, read 2,466,114 times
Reputation: 1352
Times are very different now than they were a long time ago - secrets for sure - difficult decisions for the moms, in general, less options too. Yet, with all of the TV shows, such as The Locator and of course the new one on OWN -- Searching For --; the myriad of adption sites and requests for help find parents, siblings, etc. it is a very different time now. Granted people's lives may change -- however, I think transparency is better than secrets -- we are a much more sophisticated society now with adoptions - there is less of a stigma [finally] on an adoptee - an adoptee is probably wondering, even searching and/or trying to find -- do I think it is a good idea, absolutely.
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Old 05-02-2011, 05:03 PM
 
1 posts, read 3,082 times
Reputation: 15
Honestly? I believe you should keep looking for your brother. This is what I'm trying to do.

Not even two days ago I found out I have a half-brother. I don't think my Father ever wanted me to find out about him but in a moment of drunken weakness, I did. He told me his age and sex but left it at that. I tried to ask more, but he refused to answer anything, telling me to forget about it.

It's been on my mind for the past few days and I not sure where to start. I can't actually take action at this point in my life. I'm only 16 and my brother is 23.

I know that I would like to connact him, but I don't even know where to start without asking my father more questions. As far as I know he could either be in Canada or Europe. I don't know his name or his mothers. I don't know if he's even alive.
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